Q. My husband has ED. He had it before we got married and he never told me. I found out after. Now I have been dealing with it for almost 5 years. This is my second marriage. My first marriage I hardly had enough sex, let alone fun with it. I was married 20 years to him. Is it unfair to want sex and a lot of it? I have not had my fair share and I am frustrated. I am always flirting, initiating and starting it or asking for it. He is almost 58 and I am 46. I am in my prime and I want sex! I want romance and I want attention. I am angry because he lied to me and he also knew my past with my ex. I feel like I want to get it on the side, but I love my husband and don’t want to step outside my marriage. We have talked at length about this. We were separated once. I feel he has had his fill, and the hell with me. I am in my prime and I want and need more. I don’t even know about any support groups that deal with ED. Thanks

A.There are layered problems here.  First, you have angry emotions for not being told the truth by your spouse before getting married.  The more you experience lack of sex and romantic attention, the more your anger gets triggered. It’s okay to feel angry that he lied and makes little effort to be sexual with you.  It’s not okay to be angry at him for your 20 years of little or unsatisfying sex in your first marriage.  He didn’t cause that. Second, YES, it is perfectly healthy to want sex!

It might help him to see a urologist to learn if this is biological or psychological issue. Medicines might help as well as working through issues such as stress, anxiety, depression – these all can contribute to ED. But, if the ED remains unresolved, you can still have great sex even though he struggles with a dysfunction. He can still romance you, share affections, and yes, have great sex with you!  This is one of the benefits of toys! If he continues to remain unmotivated, it warrants serious discussion. Men struggle with a lot of shame and inadequacy when they experience ED but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be amazing lovers. Great sex is created more from his attitude than from his penis. When one partner experiences a sexual dysfunction, it requires mindful, conscious effort to create a great sex life. What I find is that when couples can do this, the creativity and spice of their sex life can exceed that of couples without sexual dysfunctions. It takes work, a shift in attitude toward sex, letting go of ego and consistent commitment.  Be careful about going outside of your marriage.  You do not want to regret your own actions. Always to talk to him first about what you want to do before making any impulsive decisions.

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