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What Sex Ed Didn’t Teach You About Sex

by | Oct 4, 2021 | General, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Therapy

What Sex-Ed Didn’t Teach You 

Wouldn’t it be great if our parents and the systems at large helped us learn, at an early age, about how to be in a sexual relationship with someone else?

In couples and sex therapy, the majority of individuals and couples that I work with tell me that their parents never talked to them about sex when they were kids. Most bawk at the sex-ed programs held in school. 

Those that received sex ed in school, learned about the anatomy of sex, puberty and STDs.

No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another. 

Sexual feelings typically start during puberty. Yet it’s in those years that adults often turn away from the subject of sex – due to their own discomforts and inhibitions. It’s an “I don’t want to know about it, la la la” attitude that fails all of us as adolescents. Then, as adults, we wonder why the heck we feel so awkward just talking about sex, let alone engaging in it. 

Healthy sexuality stretches far beyond physical anatomy and sexual diseases. It involves understanding your own sexual identity and what it means to be in a sexual relationship – whether that’s a long-term relationship or a one-night stand. 

The Comlexity of a Sexual Relationship 

The complexity of sexual relationships includes understanding one’s own sexual body responses, the emotional landscape that accompanies sex, attraction as dynamic, not static, how sexual desire manifests, multiple ways of achieving sexual pleasure, what stimulates or shuts down arousal, the impact of sexual rejection and so much more.

Unless you’re self-pleasuring alone, sex is a relational experience. Yes, we also have a relationship with ourselves but for the sake of this article, I’m referring to the way we relate to our sexual partners.  So many folks lack the tools to navigate the “relational” part of sex. 

This can manifest into such problems as not communicating clearly and directly about sex, misunderstanding partner advances or rejections, lack of sexual satisfaction, goal-oriented sex over pleasure-oriented sex, pressure to have sex when it’s not wanted, sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasm, sexual disappointment and/or sexual preferences never shared.

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships 

In a healthy sexual relationship, sex is a shared, relational experience. It’s where partners can communicate fiercely through physical contact alone. Yet it’s also a space where sexual conversations are welcome. Curiosities, desires and fears are shared.  Compassion and empathy are demonstrated. Vulnerability is risked, contained and honored. 

As a relationship and sex therapist, I’m constantly learning new ways to help my clients deepen their understanding of themselves and each other when it comes to sex.  I also help my clients foster a sex-positive mindset. I found a great, simple resource online that I’d like to share with you.

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Explore Your Sexual Health 

The University of Louisville has online resources in their campus health department for their students. One of the subject areas is sexual health. The site demonstrates a non-shaming approach to sex ed and helps students foster a sex-positive mindset. 

One of their resources is a Sexual Health Bill of Rights. I’ve included it below. 

Before reading all 16 Rights, I invite you to travel down memory lane. Try to remember yourself as a pre-teen, teenager or young adult. Think about the home you grew up in. Try to remember your early awareness about sex and your own sexuality. Who were you then? What sexual messages surrounded you?

Once you’ve conjured the memory up in your mind, take a moment to read all 16 rights below. Pause after each one. Think about how it relates to your adolescent years and adult years. Notice if the response is the same or different.

Sexual Health Bill of Rights 

  1. I have the right to own my own body.
  2. I have a right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions and perceptions.
  3. I have a right to trust my own values about sexual conduct.
  4. I have a right to set my own sexual limits.
  5. I have a right to say no.
  6. I have a right to say yes.
  7. I have the right to experience sexual pleasure.
  8. I have the right to remain celibate.
  9. I have the right to be sexually assertive.
  10. I have the right to be the initiator in a sexual relationship.
  11. I have the right to be in control of my sexual experiences.
  12. I have the right to have a loving partner.
  13. I have a right to my sexual orientation and preferences.
  14. I have the right to have a partner who respects me, understands me and is willing to communicate with me.
  15. I have a right to talk to my partner about incest/child abuse/rape.
  16. I have a right to ask questions and receive sexually accurate information.

What might you add to this list that’s not already there? What’s missing that might relate to you specifically?

Sex and Your Intimate Relationship 

Couples get tripped up on so many of the nuances that come along with sex. Consider how the sexual health bill of rights ties into any problem areas for you. Let’s explore a few together. 

Bill of Rights #3: What does it mean to trust your own values about sexual conduct? If you’re not sure, ask yourself, “what do I value about sexual behavior?”. Do you value when your partner asks permission to touch you a certain way? Or, perhaps, you value the element of surprise? Maybe you value feeling safe. If so, what behaviors support that? 

Bill of Rights #9: If you have the right to be in control of your sexual experiences, and your partner has the same right, who actually has control? Who’s in charge when it comes to sex? What does control look like behaviorally? How does control become a shared experience? 

Bill of Rights #15: If you experienced sexual abuse or a sexual violation in your past, have you told your partner? Does this experience impact how you experience sex now? Do you worry what your partner would think if he/she/they knew? How would that impact your relationship?

Sex is Relational

Sex is relational but it starts with you. 

Consider your own sexual story, history, identity, expression, permissions and limits. Use the Sexual Health Bill of Rights to help you explore your own sexuality. Consider who you were as a young sexually developing person and who you are now as a sexually active or inactive adult. Where are the parallels, connections, intersections? 

But don’t stop there! Ask your partner to do the same. Your sexual stories, both past and present, are powerful. They help you understand who you are as a sexual being and as a sexual couple. 

And…your story keeps evolving.  As a couple, it’s up to you to create each new chapter. Be courageous authors! Make it epic. 

When Sexual Desires Differ

by | Aug 30, 2021 | General, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Therapy

Sexual desire mismatch may be more common than you realize.

As a relationship and sex therapist, I see a common problem amongst couples: one partner often wants more sex than the other. I can safely say that I  discuss this issue with clients on a weekly basis. It’s that common.

Typically, one partner wants us to “fix” the other. Either by making the “lower” desire partner have more sex or by making the “higher” desire partner back off. This issue spans many types of couples across many different faiths, races, sexuality and genders. 

But more sex doesn’t exactly create sex worth wanting. It just creates more unsatisfying sex. And less sex doesn’t exactly ease the tension around sex. It just creates more resentment.

So how do couples solve their differences?

 

Take a WE Approach

As mentioned earlier, when couples come in for couples or sex therapy, each partner often wants us to “fix” the desire of the other. Each partner sees the other as the “problem” causing them so much pain. 

Our early sessions usually involve helping the couple see that any sexual problems they experience, including differences in sexual desire, are a couple’s problem. Not an individual problem. 

I help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. 

To take it one step further, I also provide psychoeducation to help the couple understand that neither partner has the “right” kind of desire.  There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” when it comes to how they experience desire with each other. We pivot away from judgment and instead focus on them being “different”.

Why Couples Need This One Shift

Each partner commits pretty fully to their own perspective as the “right” one. As long as we can get some “buy-in” into shifting the focus from “wrong” to “different”, we can work with it and the sex therapy can progress. 

This shift allows partners to develop greater curiosity about each other’s sexual desires. It creates an opening for a conversation about desire and what makes sex worth wanting for both of them. 

The truth of the matter is, when desire differences show up, even if sex is happening, it often feels empty, rushed and pressured. The seeking partner may “take what they can get” but not necessarily feel satisfied with it. The avoidant partner does it out of obligation. 

“We help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. “

Why Have Sex?

One of my favorite questions to ask couples is these 3 simple words: Why have sex?

Believe it or not, most couples have never stopped to consider why they engage in sex together. In the early courtship phase, it’s often driven by hormones and being in the lust phase or the attraction phase of falling in love.

The couple isn’t exactly asking themselves, “Why am I having sex with you?”.  Yet it’s an important question to ask.

Whenever I ask couples this question, most will tell me “to feel closer, to feel loved, to feel more connected, because it feels good”. Most partners are not saying “to pressure my partner”, or “to feel coerced”. 

Sex therapist, Dr. Marty Klein emphasizes this question in his work as well, noting that both partners often want the same thing.

In his article, Partner’s Disagree on How Much Sex, he states that in his work, he’ll tell them, “The issue here isn’t just more sex, it’s that you want to FEEL different – whether its’ more loved, or more attractive or whatever, right?”

And he’s right. Partners want to feel better with each other – closer, more attractive, loved – even though their desires look like they differ. At its core, they actually want the same thing.

In reality, neither wants to return to the type of sex they may have been having – quick, distant, empty and chore-like. This only furthers the pain they already feel with each other. 

So more sex isn’t the answer. But the answer does involve some sex or erotic exchanges.

Find Common Pain Points 

What couples often don’t realize is that while their desires may differ, and they may feel like polar opposites, they actually share similar pain points. 

As we unpack the pain points in sex therapy, the “higher” desire partner often reports feeling undesired, unattractive and ultimately rejected. The lower desire partner often reports feeling pressured, guilty, stressed and dysfunctional. 

But through these conversations, what partners also discover is that while each has their own experience, they also have other feelings that match: As a couple, they feel misunderstood, disconnected, lost, abnormal and lonely. 

Almost always, couples experience an “aha” moment when they realize that despite their differences, they share these painful feelings. This is an important moment in sex therapy because it helps the couple see that they aren’t as polarized as they might feel.

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Let me repeat: They aren’t as polarized as they might feel. 

Couples start to see that they actually have common emotional ground; both want to feel closer, connected and loved BUT both feel misunderstood, lost, abnormal and lonely.  This becomes the fertile soil where they can meet each other. Progress grows with the support and guidance of their sex therapist.

How Sex Takes a Backseat 

In long-term relationships, it’s not unusual for life circumstances to steamroll a couple’s sex life. Having kids, career or money stress, supporting in-laws, domestic life, health problems and more are all, well, pretty unsexy.

They leave partners feeling tired. Or partners escape their stress with too much time on Facebook or too many glasses of wine at dinner.

Having better sex isn’t just about the sex itself, although that’s something that might need improvement. It’s also about feeling emotionally supported through the tasks of daily living. Feeling like a team. Feeling like your relationship is reliable and dependable. Easing each other’s burdens. 

Talking, being affectionate and showing love each day.

Coming Back to Your Why 

Remember, partners don’t want to go back to sex that doesn’t feel good. High desire partners don’t want to go back to sex that feels like they’re dragging their partner along into it. They want sex that feels engaging, energized and mutual. 

“Low” desire partners aren’t completely turned off to sex, despite often pushing it away. They may prefer a different sexual experience, or sex that feels like it’s actually for them too. 

All of this requires that the couple shift their focus back to the reasons why they want to have sex in the first place: to feel closer, more connected, more loved. 

These conversations help the couple begin to understand how their emotional life connects to their sexual life. 

Your Next Step 

Start by having a conversation with your partner about this article. Discuss which parts of it make sense to you. Share how it helps you understand your partner better, and/or how it reflects your own experience. Share what you think you might have in common.

Then consider your next step. Perhaps you want to seek out some online resources. 

Or maybe, you want to work face to face with a therapist to address your concerns. 

In either choice, it’s time to stop feeling at odds, show up and work through your differences. Hopefully this article serves as a launching point for you.

It IS possible to find resolve, common ground and to create sex worth wanting again.

How to Be a More Interesting Partner

by | Jul 28, 2021 | Connection, General, Love, Personal Growth, Relationships

Is Your Relationship Boring?

During the pandemic I had to confront reality about myself… and my marriage. “I” and “We” were boring. Sure, the pandemic limited the world in many ways.

But I couldn’t use the pandemic as a scapegoat. I personally teetered on the status of “bored, flat and uninteresting” for a bit of time. As my spouse and I often tell our young boys, “If you’re bored, it’s because you’re boring”.

Sure I’ve worn many hats in life and accomplished many goals. But most of my “interests” hovered around work activities and parenting life. I didn’t seem to have anything for or about me, or just for having fun.

Nurturing a career and all-in parenting can consume anyone. It’s easy to lose sense of self under the demands, responsibilities and goals of both.

How To Know If You Are Boring 

For one, I found that I talked about the same subjects all of the time. I didn’t seem to have anything new to offer to a given conversation. I also didn’t have any real hobbies. I wasn’t venturing out into the world in new ways. 

My life consisted of getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, going to bed, and repeating it all the next day. Weekends consisted of chores and Netflix. 

Then the pandemic came along and magnified my boring status. Only this time, it also included stress, despair, uncertainty, and anger. 

And worse, my dull and ho-hum status bled into my marriage. We were both on a path of monotony that required emergency attention!

As a relationship, marriage, and sex therapist, I’m all too aware of how boredom and monotony can zap the energy and spark out of an intimate relationship. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I’ve created private, online programs for couples to get their spark back. 

I’ve managed to get myself out of the “boring” rut. And I started this BEFORE the pandemic ended. Before I share some of the ways I transformed from boring into interesting and hence breathed life back into my life and marriage, let’s better understand what’s required to get there. 

How To Transform From Boring to Interesting 

Shifting from boring to interesting requires you to evolve, expand and grow. My own experience felt like a static state of being. Unmoving, without action and flat.

Before you can take concrete, tangible steps to become more interesting, you have to recognize and admit “I’m pretty darn boring” and actually want to be more interesting. Be willing first. Then commit to a few key steps below.

Benefits to Becoming a More Interesting Partner 

Let’s look at how your efforts to shift into a more interesting person benefit your intimate relationship.

Some of the benefits to amping up your interests include:

  • Becoming more attractive to your partner through your personality and pursuits
  • Bringing renewed energy into your everyday life
  • Creating space between you and your partner to allow for individual interests
  • Having new conversations together that stem from all of your new pursuits
  • Looking forward to seeing each other after having had time apart
  • Engaging in new shared activities together to add spice and adventure to your love
  • Making new friends and contacts that you could meet up with, separate or together
  • Creating new opportunities for you personally and as a couple

Relationships function best when we breathe new life into them. The paradox of love is that committed relationships draw partners into each other so closely that you forget to individuate and engage with the rest of the world. Instead, you become each other’s worlds. And yet…

Healthy love needs each partner to be both separate and together. It requires that each partner strive to stay interesting. That means nurturing your individuality within the context of being a couple. And trust me, there is plenty of room for attention to both.

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10 New Ways to Become More Interesting 

As mentioned earlier, staying interesting means moving from static same ‘ol everything to a dynamic, action state of growth and expansion. There’s so many ways to develop and evolve.  Here’s a sample list to work with:

  1. Learn a New Language – Think of a country you’d love to visit. If it feels like a far off fantasy, begin to manifest that fantasy by learning the country’s language. Not only does this give you a new hobby, it strengthens your cognitive and memory skills and gets you one step closer to fulfilling a dream.
  2. Find a Hobby Outside of Your Career – Work consumes so much of our time. Even when you love what you do, when you only focus on work stuff, you become one-dimensional. Find a hobby that grabs your interest and go for it – be all in.
  3. Practice Optimism – Pessimism keeps you stuck. Optimism is a much more magnetic energy that will attract your partner to you. No one wants to be around negative energy. If you feel stuck in a pessimistic rut, read books on positive psychology.
  4. Volunteer – If you’re not sure how to start expanding your circle, find a cause that you feel passionate about and volunteer some of your time and talents. This gives you an alternative way to spend your time, meet new people and contribute to a greater cause.
  5. Be Interested in Others – Yes, you want to be interesting but part of that starts with taking an interest in the people around you. Listen to them. Ask them questions.. Stay curious about the people you cross paths with. You never know where opportunity sits. 
  6. Learn a Few Good Jokes – Everyone loves to laugh. If you get a few good jokes under your belt, you might become the sunshine in someone’s day, just by making them laugh. Telling jokes communicates your silly side and shows that you like to have fun.
  7. Say What You Think – Nothing speaks boring more than someone who blends into the wallpaper by not expressing themselves. Even if your opinions differ, it’s okay to respectfully share them. It’s more than okay. It makes you a more interesting human.
  8. Do Something Risky – If you’re “not a dancer”, take a dance class. If you’re afraid of public speaking, join a Toastmasters Group. Find a way to conquer your fears. Then bring those exciting, on-the-edge, stories back to share with your partner.
  9. Spend Time with Interesting People – They say that you are the sum of the 5 people that you surround yourself with. Take a look around. If you’re looking for a new crew to add to your life, find a meetup group within a subject matter of interest. Grow socially.
  10. Travel Solo – Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a longer journey, nothing grows our social, emotional and cognitive skills like traveling to unknown places. Pick locations that offer some challenges for you. Learn how to enjoy your own company.

    Take Action Too Become More Interesting 

Before you go any further, grab a piece of paper and pen. Write out 5 ways you can become a more interesting person and partner. What can you work on to help you shine brighter?

It’s never too late to spice up your routine, personally grow, and become more interesting. It’s up to you to make room for this personal growth work. Your relationship will reap the benefits.

In the past 6 months, I’ve taken my own steps to become a more interesting person. The result has been increased personal fulfillment and greater experiences of joy. Of course, this higher vibe energy then filters into my marriage and inspires my partner to do the same.

Some ways I’ve become more interesting include:

  • Language: Improving my Spanish speaking skills through a language program
  • Cooking: Mastering new recipes in the kitchen
  • Music: Researched a music teacher and started singing lessons
  • Travel: Booked a long weekend away for myself
  • Music: Tinkering on the piano
  • Volunteering: Reached out to an organization for future volunteer work
  • Spiritual: Daily meditation and weekly journaling

Notice how none of these have to do with my career. Or my marriage. Or parenting. Or family. They purely reflect a personal growth journey. They fill my cup and feed my marriage.

Being Separate and Together

When we work with couples in therapy, whether it’s relationship therapy or sex therapy, we recognize that the relationship contains at least two individual people. Each person has their own history, identity, thoughts, feelings, interests and dreams.

When each partner has room to pursue their own interests, they depend less on their partner to fill any voids. Partners learn to honor each one’s individuality. But they also need to come back to each other to share their stories and experiences.

Time apart along with new stories to share often invigorates a flat relationship. Honoring separation and togetherness creates a beautiful and necessary balance for trust, growth and love.

 

Choosing to Stay in Your Relationship

by | Jan 11, 2021 | Communication, Conflict, Connection, General, Love, Relationships

Should you stay in your relationship?

For better or for worse. 

These sacred words, uttered by so many couples, symbolizes the shared commitment that they expect each other to hold up no matter what happens in life. 

A blog reader recently wrote to me expressing shame and guilt for choosing to stay with her partner, who she said was a “porn addict”. 

Betrayed partners of infidelity express shame when they choose to stay with their partner who cheated on them. “Why don’t I just leave?”

Like these folks, you might choose to maintain your commitment as opposed to leaving the relationship. Like our recent blog reader, you may also feel riddled with guilt, shame, and embarrassment for your choice to stay. 

Let’s explore why you choose to stay committed and how you can stay without beating yourself up.

Why You Choose to Stay in Your Relationship

It’s difficult to feel conflicted about whether or not to leave your relationship. Love is both simple and complicated. 

As a relationship counselor, marriage counselor, and sex therapist, I help many partners work through the ambivalence of staying or going. When I’m doing this with both partners, it’s called discernment counseling.

When you love someone, whether the problem is a sexless marriage, relationship dissatisfaction, infidelity or anything else, the answer to stay or go may not always feel crystal clear. 

In the most ideal situation, you might choose to stay because your partner actively participates to make your relationship better. Perhaps, you’re working through the hurt and pain their actions have caused you. As you do this, you may also see  their genuine effort to work on it with you. 

This can provide you with hope and a vision for a future together. 

If you choose to stay and your partner doesn’t actively work with you to resolve your relationship struggles, consider working with a professional relationship therapist. Working with a seasoned professional can either help you find ways to make that relationship better or work toward dissolution. 

If you want to stay but develop hard feelings about your choice to stay, like guilt, shame, and/or embarrassment, rather than turning away from those emotions, can you tune into them?

Invite Your Emotions In

Our emotional responses can provide a wealth of information for us if we allow ourselves to tune in, pay attention and feel. 

Rather than beating yourself up through shame, guilt or embarrassment, ask yourself:

  • Who makes me feel shame? Guilty? Embarrassed? (think about family/friends)

If family and friends put pressure on you to leave, you may want to draw stricter boundaries with them. Friends and family often mean well but it’s not their place to influence the direction of any adult’s intimate relationship.

On the flip side, the concern of your family and/or friends may be informative. If you repeatedly turn to friends and family to de-escalate a situation or to cry on their shoulder, this may be a sign to seriously examine your choice to stay. 

  • Am I expressing these feelings to my partner?

If you’ve been hurt by your partner’s actions, we always recommend that you share your feelings with them, including your ambivalence, shame, guilt and/or humiliation. It may be hard for them to hear but partners need to know what you feel. 

Expressing your feelings can often help release them, especially if you have an attentive partner who wants to support your healing.

  • How is my partner supporting me through these feelings?

In marriage counseling and couples therapy, I often help partners that have violated the relationship contract learn how to become healers of their relationship. Sometimes, both partners need to become healers.  

They can do this by being an attentive listener, apologizing and demonstrating trust-worthy, dependable behaviors.

This process usually works best when both partners actively participate in the healing process and when guided by a couples therapist. 

  • Are these feelings familiar? Have I felt them before in previous relationships?

As relationship counselor, I often see repeated patterns in my client’s relationship history. Often these patterns can go all the way back to childhood. 

If you feel riddled with guilt, shame or embarrassment, chances are you’ve felt these feelings deeply before. You may have felt them in previous relationships or in the house that you grew up in. 

Sometimes, these emotional states feel so familiar that we can feel lost without them. We like to call this our “comfortable chaos”. Shame, guilt and/or humiliation can become part of our identities. It’s not conscious but it takes consciousness to break the pattern. 

  • Are these feelings telling me something that I need to face?

It’s easy to compartmentalize, ignore or deny difficult feelings or problems in a relationship. Especially if you’re considering separation but also view separation as a failure.

But if you want clarity around ambivalence or if you want to live without shame, guilt or embarrassment, you must tune in instead of tuning out. 

In therapy, I break these processes down for you even more. Often, these difficult feelings are embedded in a deeper story that requires unpacking.

How to Move Forward

You may be able to use the questions above to help you dig deeper into your experiences and emotional life with your partner. 

Journaling your responses can be a way to explore the topic further. Of course, I always recommend communicating with your partner and working through the issues together. 

If you choose to stay, make that a choice free of shame, guilt or humiliation. If you hold onto those feelings, become curious about the purpose they serve.

  • Do they exist to make sure your partner stays punished? Or to control your partner’s actions by making them feel bad about themselves? 
  • Do they reflect a deeper story about you? Your history? Your relationship patterns?
  • Do they exist because it’s truly time to leave the relationship? Does your gut tell you to leave when your heart tells you to stay? In those situations, gut wisdom is often correct. 

If you have difficulty figuring this out, turning to a relationship counselor, marriage counselor, couples counselor or sex therapist can feel like a lifeline. 

No Sex During the Pandemic? {Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive}

by | Oct 29, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex, Sex Therapy, Stress

 

Why couples aren’t having sex during the pandemic

I recently had a “socially distanced” coffee date with a friend. 

We talked about the impact of COVID on our work, kids and families. As we wrapped up, she added, “And let’s face it, no one is having sex. I mean, come on, he walks into the room and I think, oh…. you again”. On that note, we parted ways, but her words stayed with me.

How many couples think that very same thought? Feel sick of seeing their partner’s face all day and all night? Not because they don’t love them but because they feel trapped in every way due to the pandemic?

Can couples stay sexually fresh when the pandemic routine makes everything feel stale?

Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive

It’s not easy to feel sexy and hot when you’re also feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. And let’s keep it real: This ain’t no ordinary stress.

This is survival stress. Questions like, “How will we manage our bills?”, “How do we see our family without getting them sick?”, “How do we manage work and our kids school?”, “Will my parents die from CoVid?”, “Can our kids socialize with friends and not get sick?”

Add to that the sense of feeling trapped. You, your partner and your kids (if you have them), share the same walls almost 24/7 for months on end now, each on the other’s nerves, squabbling over how to share the space.

Plus the overwhelming, undeniable grief and loss as you watch numbers rise, fall, then rise again, as you see the death toll keep growing, watch holidays come and go without your traditional celebrations and more.

And I didn’t yet mention the shift in your physical activity – all the steps you’re not taking to meet your FitBit goals, the elastic pants and masks you’re living in or the fact that you may go several days in between showers.

All of this sets the stage for the “oh… you again” sexless relationship.

 

Marital and Relationship Conflict is On the Rise

The pandemic hasn’t stopped our phones from ringing. In fact, quite the contrary. As a sex therapist, I’ve gotten many calls from couples seeking online couples counseling and couples therapy to address sexual concerns.

For many, the stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their relationship, including their sex life. Some of the sexual concerns couples report include:

  • Being in a long-distance relationship and not having access to their partner
  • Afraid to get physically close when one partner works in a public setting
  • No private time at home because the kids are always present
  • No boundaries between work and home because work now happens at home
  • Being sucked into the black hole of social media for hours on end
  • Lack of date nights due to lockdowns
  • Increased sense of depression and lack of motivation in general

These issues feel like the weight of the world. Some days it feels heavier than others.

Within the virtual therapy room, couples are talking about their struggles and addressing them, many within the context of the impact of CoVid-19.

 

If You’re the Partner Getting Rejected

Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire. If your sex drive typically says “yes” more than “no”, you might feel abandoned and rejected by your partner more than ever.

If historically, you’ve been more into sex than your partner, the pandemic will only exacerbate that issue. Quarantine life adds a whole new dimension to “not feeling it tonight baby”.

As long as you’re living under lockdown, try not to take your partner’s lack of sexy engagment personally. Chances are, they want to feel sexier and more vibrant with you but the pandemic “survival” stress overwhelms their sexual system.

At the same time, it’s important to keep communicating about it.

Below, I offer ways to keep communication going, while also finding ways to stay connected under extreme stress.

How to Manage Your Sexual Differences During the Pandemic

Sexual desire differences come up a lot in sex therapy, even when we’re not in a global pandemic. It’s natural for each partner to have different styles of desire. Let me share some insights into how you can manage this during CoVid times.

  1. Talk about it. Couples shy away from sexual conversations even though they have sex together, often for years. If you can’t talk about sex, it’s pretty hard to have good sex.
  2. Practice compassion and empathy. Conversations about sex are vulnerable making. It’s not easy for anyone to say, “I feel rejected”, or “I want to have sex with you”, or, “I’ve lost my libido”. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
  3. Discuss your needs for touch. Try to describe what type of touch feels good right now, what feels welcome as well as what you miss most. Listen carefully to your partner.
  4. Be an investigator. Ask them questions about how that touch makes them feel. Secure? Safe? Loved? Playful? Relaxed? Sexy? Connected? Hot?
  5. Take a personal inventory. Now that you know what your partner desires most, ask yourself, am I willing to meet their needs, emotionally, physically or sexually?

Create a Bridge to Your Divide

When someone’s libido becomes less active, there’s certainly exercises they can do to help jumpstart sexy energy BUT, the goal of this article is not to make the “lower desire” partner meet the “higher desire” partner.

As a sex therapist, I have a plethora of exercises that I give to folks who seek to rev up their libido. But I’ve found that during the pandemic, this can add an increased stressor.

Additionally, I’ve found that bonding exercises have helped couples feel closer, more secure and loved during a very unpredictable, shaky time.

For some couples, the increase in bonding has organically led to greater sexual engagement but for others, feeling bonded has felt more fulfilling than trying to squeeze in a quickie.

This shows me that partners have different needs to be met during this global crisis. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

For some partners, it’s not about trying to have more sex. It’s about creating moments of real connection that feel safe, secure and bonding during a time of anxiety, fear and uncertainty.

Now, let’s acknowledge that for other partners, sex IS the way that they feel bonded, safe, connected and emotionally close.

As you hold conversations together and assess your needs and willingness, consider that both experiences are valid and valuable.

What You Have In Common with Other Couples

That sexless syndrome, “Oh…you again” is real, and if you’re feeling that, you are one of many.

In couples and sex therapy, I always emphasize quality over quantity. Rather than focus on how much less sex is happening, focus more on how to create real quality connection together.

Have meaningful conversations along with intentional, meaningful touch such as extended hugs, snuggles, kissing and spooning. Linger in bed longer on weekend mornings, turn in a bit earlier at night. Share some pillow talk.

Make the quality of your connection strong, consistent and reliable.

If sex happens as a result of that, great, but if not, try not to personalize it or feel guilty about it. Keep conversations about sex going, without attaching to an outcome.

Focus more on taking good care of each other during this tumultuous time.

 

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When You Want Marriage Counseling and Your Partner Doesn’t

by | Oct 16, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Every couple’s therapist knows that when a couple walks through the door for therapy, chances are that one partner wants to be there and the other one doesn’t.

It’s ok, we’re not offended! We’re also not surprised.

Take Lori and Jordan for example. After years of struggle with their sex life, Lori got online and looked up “sex therapist near me”.

She tried to encourage Jordan to research online counseling but Jordan spent far less time on it than she did. Lori made the initial call to us and booked their first appointment. Jordan reluctantly attended the first session.

Believe it or not, I see value in both Lori and Jordan’s perspectives.

It makes sense that Lori would have confidence in a qualified professional to support them. It also makes sense that Jordan would initially be skeptical of placing his precious marriage in the hands of a stranger.

It took time before Jordan became comfortable with the process of sharing their relationship and sexual history with me. But with time and support, Jordan began to trust the process. They worked through their sexual misunderstandings and created a meaningful sex life together.

Why Your Partner Won’t Attend Counseling

Your spouse, like Jordan, might also balk at the idea of couples therapy, online counseling, online courses for couples, or any sort of relationship help.

While they may cite time, money, and energy as reasons to not engage, here is a list of the deeper reasons he or she may resist help:

  • Fear of rocking the boat and making things worse
  • Fear that the therapist will side with you
  • Fear of sharing intimate stories with a stranger
  • Fear of depending on anyone else
  • Fear that counseling means you have serious problems
  • Fear that you will use therapy as a vehicle for separation
  • Fear that needing outside help means your relationship is doomed
  • Fear of anyone finding out that your relationship is struggling
  • Fear of failure

Reaching out for help can feel paradoxical. Your partner might think that counseling or focusing on your relationship problems will only magnify the issue. But the reality is that if you play it “safe and silent”, your problems actually grow.

It becomes a quiet undercurrent that creates a deep divide.

How to Get Your Partner on Board

While there’s no guarantee that your partner will join you in therapy or any other self-help resource, there are steps you can take to help the process along.

Here are some suggestions for working with your reluctant partner:

  • Ask them what their concerns are for seeking help. Whether it’s a private option like reading relationship books, taking a self-help course online, or seeking therapy with a professional, ask them to specify what makes them uncomfortable about the idea.
  • Validate your partner’s resistance. As I mentioned above with Lori and Jordan, both partners had valid reasons for why they did or didn’t want therapy. Your partner probably does too. Acknowledge their concerns, even if it’s against what you think is right.
  • Address the fear factor. Read the list above and see if your partner names anything that falls into those categories. Offer your partner a different perspective to help counter the fear they might feel about needing help.
  • Solicit their ideas. Name a variety of ways you can get help as a couple. Ask your partner to add any of their own ideas and to rank them from most favorable to least favorable. As a start, consider choosing the method that feels most tolerable to them.
  • Play with hypotheticals. If you’re leaning toward therapy, ask what criteria need to be met. Male or female? Location? Faith-based or secular? Best time and day of the week? Specific race, age, or orientation? The ideal person to talk to? Expectations for therapy?
  • Explore the introductory model. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to meet once with a therapist for a meet and greet session. If you want your partner to sign up for an Ecourse, take the free webinar, or view the website together to become more familiar.
  • Make a commitment. Find one process to commit to. Whether it’s counseling, self-help books, or online services, ask your partner to pick one with you and make a weekly commitment to doing it together.

When You’re Partner Still Resists Help

It can feel hard to take all of these steps and still feel dismissed by your partner. The process may test your patience and tolerance for their resistance. It can feel unfair.

As you move through the suggestions above, be sure to add what all of this means to you.

You may want to say any of the following:

  • Nothing is more important to me than our marriage. But I feel frustrated and hopeless when you resist all of my suggestions. This hurts me. What parts can you reconsider?
  • I’m trying to meet you halfway but I don’t feel that you’re doing the same. We’re not resolving these issues on our own. I don’t want to live the rest of our marriage this way.
  • I understand your feelings about getting help but I’m asking you to push through the parts that are uncomfortable for you so that we can have a better relationship. Can you?
  • I’ll never offer you an ultimatum but I’m sure you know that if things don’t improve between us, our future is unpredictable. I can’t do this alone. It takes two of us. Join me.

Going Solo for Counseling, Therapy or Self-Help Options

If after all of these conversations, your partner still doesn’t want to get help with you, then commit to getting yourself the support that you seek.

While it’s not easy to reach this point, you want to make sure that you take care of yourself. That could mean reading your own books, taking an online class, attending a support group, or seeing your own therapist.

There are many paths to relationship wellness. Ideally, you want your partner along for that ride. Make every effort to get them on board. If ultimately, they resist, let it go and work on you.

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#relationships

#marriage

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