How Society Shapes Your Sex Life

Society and Your Sex Life

Society and it’s social norms strongly shape your sex life. As a child and adolescent, you absorbed messages from your family, friends, school system, neighbors, community, place of worship, politics, movies, books, magazines, social media and anywhere you were exposed to someone else’s ideas.

You were, and are like a sponge. As a kid, you didn’t yet have the full capacity to decide what messages to keep or which to discard. Unbeknownst to you, you took them all in, like a sponge absorbs liquid. 

This includes any messages that you got about sex. 

Males receive a specific set of stories that become beliefs. These stories create expectations of men when it comes to sex. Females receive a different set of stories that create an entirely different set of sexual beliefs and expectations for women. 

I’d bet that no one ever asked you, as an emerging sexual person, what your ideas, questions or curiosities were about sex. Instead, you had to rely on these stories or scripts as your go-to guidelines about sex. 

This article focuses on some of the most common sexual scripts that females grow up with, along with some sprinkles of scripting for males. Taken from the book For Each Other, Sharing Sexual Intimacy, written by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., the scripts below seem to resonate with many clients in my practice, of all genders. 

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Take a moment to read through the scripts below. Consider which ones might apply to you. While these may seem like they apply to cisgender, heterosexual couples, society’s gender norms and sexual scripts influence everyone’s sexual blueprint, no matter how you identify or who you engage with. If you grew up with even a small measure of exposure to these scripts, they travel with you into the bedroom, regardless of orientation or gender identity. 

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

In this script, sexual purity and innocence is valued over sexual pleasure. Females learn to downplay any interest or desire for sex. Any female seeking sexual pleasure is deemed as selfish. She’s not supposed to like sex, at least not in an obvious way. Instead, she should stay focused on helping others. 

Daughters are taught “not to go down that path” or receive no education from their parents at all, leaving them to rely on other means to obtain a sex education. She learns that if she becomes pregnant out of wedlock, “she deserved it” or is being “used”.

This results in sexual suppression. The female grows into a mature adult, unable to access her own sexual pleasure. She struggles to feel healthy and confident in her sexual exchanges or feels guilty and morally wrong talking about sex or engaging in it. 

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad 

Females grow up confused about sex due to the mixed messages they receive from others.

On the one hand, they’re taught that sex is “dirty”. On the other hand, they’re told, “But save it for someone you love”. Why would anyone want to save something dirty for someone they love?

Encouraging virginity, females learn that their genitals are dirty and disgusting, especially once menstruation begins, but to “keep their genitals pure because it’s the greatest gift that you can give your spouse on your honeymoon”. 

This script values landing a “mate”. In order to land a mate, females walk a fine line between being attractive, flirtatious and seductive enough but not to the point of becoming pregnant. 

This results in a bodily detachment and walking a sexual tightrope. Instead of being in her body during sex, she’s mentally assessing what she should or shouldn’t be doing, or whether or not she is dirty. 

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

During infancy and early childhood, children naturally explore their genitals. In this script, females are taught not to look at their genitals or even touch them. 

Females experience a negative relationship with their bodies from an early age since body exploration is often punished. It leaves many females feeling concerned that they might look bad, smell bad or taste bad. 

As a result, females struggle to relax, let go and enjoy oral pleasure. They also fall behind men in developing a healthy masturbatory practice due to the “sinful” nature of the act. Sex then tends to bring more shame and guilt than pleasure.

In contrast, males are praised during early childhood for learning how to hold their penis properly during urination. While they may or may not be encouraged to masturbate, it is expected that they will do so.

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men 

In this script, unmarried women who have sex are used and married women who have sex only do it out of duty. Again, female sexual pleasure remains absent from the script. 

As a result, women never develop their own sense of sexual agency. They remain uncomfortable with sexual assertiveness around their wants, needs and desires. Women default to sexual participation as an act for their partner, not for themselves. 

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Influenced by the movies, books and pornography, this script sets both men and women up to feel pressured into having unrealistic sex. 

Males grow up believing that females want a perfect lover, who gives her sex hard and fast, with long lasting erections. Females also submit to performance, believing that sex should continuously build in intensity, resulting in mutual orgasms. 

As a result, partners stay focused on the goal of orgasms and fake “hot” sex, and minimize or ignore moments of real intimacy. They override the natural waxing and waning of various sexual feelings that can arise during the exchange. The intimacy is lost. 

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Romance novels can set females up to believe that candlelight dinners will help them achieve orgasms. While candlelight dinners can be nice, it’s not a replacement for assertion, sexual communication and knowing how to experience real bodily pleasure.

This results in females leaving the sexual initiation to their partners. They do not talk about sex or what they long for, and follow, instead of lead, in their sexual exchanges, in an attempt to selflessly please their partner, just like in the novel.

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

In this script, males are expected to be all-knowing sexual partners, able to anticipate his partner’s every need and to completely satisfy all desires. 

Most men receive little to no education on how to be a good lover, yet he is expected to perform well. If he asks for guidance, he could be viewed as less masculine, or inadequate. 

His partner, in turn, may not make corrections or redirects, out of fear of injuring his ego or threatening his masculinity. 

This powerful script keeps many couples stuck in less than satisfying sex lives.

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

It’s extraordinary to me that so many couples have sex, yet so few actually talk about sex. Women in particular aren’t given the permission to freely engage in sexual conversation. Instead, women tend to feel embarrassed and awkward, unable to find the language that can help them get their sexual needs met. 

Fearing labels of being too “demanding” or “bitchy”, women learn to stay quiet. Yet research shows that women who speak up, state their preferences and who assert, have considerably more satisfying sexual experiences.

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Males and females tend to identify “real sex” as penetration or sexual intercourse and all other acts as less than. Females grow up engaging in “everything else”. They can spend hours in various sexual acts but those acts won’t count in the way penetration would. Typically, once intercourse occurs, all other acts become abbreviated.

Yet, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Over the lifespan, men can struggle with sustaining erections. 

This script leads to a less than satisfying sex life for the female partner, and/or, sexual pressure for a male partner to perform.

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way” 

This script requires sex to result in an orgasm yet most women don’t orgasm during penetration

Lonnie Barbach notes that “We let the man’s erection designate the beginning of sex and his ejaculation mark its termination”. 

If the male partner wants his female partner to orgasm first, there is often pressure felt by the female partner to orgasm in a certain amount of time and not “take too long”.

The emphasis on orgasm as the ultimate marker of good sex limits each partner’s ability to be in the pleasure of the journey. It supports sex as a goal-oriented experience and not a pleasure oriented experience, robbing both partners of a free flowing, organic, pleasurable exchange.

Conclusion

You may resonate with just one of these scripts, or parts of all of them. These stories run in the background of your sexual engagement, quietly influencing your ability to feel pleasure. 

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that sit in your story, grab a pen and paper and consider writing a new script. When it comes to sex, what matters to you most? How would you like to feel? What stories would you want to let go of? What would bring you pleasure?

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriage
#relationshipgoals

5 Reasons Women Do Not Want Sex

Society and Your Sex Life

Society and it’s social norms strongly shape your sex life. As a child and adolescent, you absorbed messages from your family, friends, school system, neighbors, community, place of worship, politics, movies, books, magazines, social media and anywhere you were exposed to someone else’s ideas.

You were, and are like a sponge. As a kid, you didn’t yet have the full capacity to decide what messages to keep or which to discard. Unbeknownst to you, you took them all in, like a sponge absorbs liquid. 

This includes any messages that you got about sex. 

Males receive a specific set of stories that become beliefs. These stories create expectations of men when it comes to sex. Females receive a different set of stories that create an entirely different set of sexual beliefs and expectations for women. 

I’d bet that no one ever asked you, as an emerging sexual person, what your ideas, questions or curiosities were about sex. Instead, you had to rely on these stories or scripts as your go-to guidelines about sex. 

This article focuses on some of the most common sexual scripts that females grow up with, along with some sprinkles of scripting for males. Taken from the book For Each Other, Sharing Sexual Intimacy, written by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., the scripts below seem to resonate with many clients in my practice, of all genders. 

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Take a moment to read through the scripts below. Consider which ones might apply to you. While these may seem like they apply to cisgender, heterosexual couples, society’s gender norms and sexual scripts influence everyone’s sexual blueprint, no matter how you identify or who you engage with. If you grew up with even a small measure of exposure to these scripts, they travel with you into the bedroom, regardless of orientation or gender identity. 

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

In this script, sexual purity and innocence is valued over sexual pleasure. Females learn to downplay any interest or desire for sex. Any female seeking sexual pleasure is deemed as selfish. She’s not supposed to like sex, at least not in an obvious way. Instead, she should stay focused on helping others. 

Daughters are taught “not to go down that path” or receive no education from their parents at all, leaving them to rely on other means to obtain a sex education. She learns that if she becomes pregnant out of wedlock, “she deserved it” or is being “used”.

This results in sexual suppression. The female grows into a mature adult, unable to access her own sexual pleasure. She struggles to feel healthy and confident in her sexual exchanges or feels guilty and morally wrong talking about sex or engaging in it. 

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad 

Females grow up confused about sex due to the mixed messages they receive from others.

On the one hand, they’re taught that sex is “dirty”. On the other hand, they’re told, “But save it for someone you love”. Why would anyone want to save something dirty for someone they love?

Encouraging virginity, females learn that their genitals are dirty and disgusting, especially once menstruation begins, but to “keep their genitals pure because it’s the greatest gift that you can give your spouse on your honeymoon”. 

This script values landing a “mate”. In order to land a mate, females walk a fine line between being attractive, flirtatious and seductive enough but not to the point of becoming pregnant. 

This results in a bodily detachment and walking a sexual tightrope. Instead of being in her body during sex, she’s mentally assessing what she should or shouldn’t be doing, or whether or not she is dirty. 

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

During infancy and early childhood, children naturally explore their genitals. In this script, females are taught not to look at their genitals or even touch them. 

Females experience a negative relationship with their bodies from an early age since body exploration is often punished. It leaves many females feeling concerned that they might look bad, smell bad or taste bad. 

As a result, females struggle to relax, let go and enjoy oral pleasure. They also fall behind men in developing a healthy masturbatory practice due to the “sinful” nature of the act. Sex then tends to bring more shame and guilt than pleasure.

In contrast, males are praised during early childhood for learning how to hold their penis properly during urination. While they may or may not be encouraged to masturbate, it is expected that they will do so.

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men 

In this script, unmarried women who have sex are used and married women who have sex only do it out of duty. Again, female sexual pleasure remains absent from the script. 

As a result, women never develop their own sense of sexual agency. They remain uncomfortable with sexual assertiveness around their wants, needs and desires. Women default to sexual participation as an act for their partner, not for themselves. 

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Influenced by the movies, books and pornography, this script sets both men and women up to feel pressured into having unrealistic sex. 

Males grow up believing that females want a perfect lover, who gives her sex hard and fast, with long lasting erections. Females also submit to performance, believing that sex should continuously build in intensity, resulting in mutual orgasms. 

As a result, partners stay focused on the goal of orgasms and fake “hot” sex, and minimize or ignore moments of real intimacy. They override the natural waxing and waning of various sexual feelings that can arise during the exchange. The intimacy is lost. 

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Romance novels can set females up to believe that candlelight dinners will help them achieve orgasms. While candlelight dinners can be nice, it’s not a replacement for assertion, sexual communication and knowing how to experience real bodily pleasure.

This results in females leaving the sexual initiation to their partners. They do not talk about sex or what they long for, and follow, instead of lead, in their sexual exchanges, in an attempt to selflessly please their partner, just like in the novel.

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

In this script, males are expected to be all-knowing sexual partners, able to anticipate his partner’s every need and to completely satisfy all desires. 

Most men receive little to no education on how to be a good lover, yet he is expected to perform well. If he asks for guidance, he could be viewed as less masculine, or inadequate. 

His partner, in turn, may not make corrections or redirects, out of fear of injuring his ego or threatening his masculinity. 

This powerful script keeps many couples stuck in less than satisfying sex lives.

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

It’s extraordinary to me that so many couples have sex, yet so few actually talk about sex. Women in particular aren’t given the permission to freely engage in sexual conversation. Instead, women tend to feel embarrassed and awkward, unable to find the language that can help them get their sexual needs met. 

Fearing labels of being too “demanding” or “bitchy”, women learn to stay quiet. Yet research shows that women who speak up, state their preferences and who assert, have considerably more satisfying sexual experiences.

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Males and females tend to identify “real sex” as penetration or sexual intercourse and all other acts as less than. Females grow up engaging in “everything else”. They can spend hours in various sexual acts but those acts won’t count in the way penetration would. Typically, once intercourse occurs, all other acts become abbreviated.

Yet, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Over the lifespan, men can struggle with sustaining erections. 

This script leads to a less than satisfying sex life for the female partner, and/or, sexual pressure for a male partner to perform.

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way” 

This script requires sex to result in an orgasm yet most women don’t orgasm during penetration

Lonnie Barbach notes that “We let the man’s erection designate the beginning of sex and his ejaculation mark its termination”. 

If the male partner wants his female partner to orgasm first, there is often pressure felt by the female partner to orgasm in a certain amount of time and not “take too long”.

The emphasis on orgasm as the ultimate marker of good sex limits each partner’s ability to be in the pleasure of the journey. It supports sex as a goal-oriented experience and not a pleasure oriented experience, robbing both partners of a free flowing, organic, pleasurable exchange.

Conclusion

You may resonate with just one of these scripts, or parts of all of them. These stories run in the background of your sexual engagement, quietly influencing your ability to feel pleasure. 

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that sit in your story, grab a pen and paper and consider writing a new script. When it comes to sex, what matters to you most? How would you like to feel? What stories would you want to let go of? What would bring you pleasure?

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriage
#relationshipgoals

What Happens in Sex Therapy?

 Feeling ambivalent about sex therapy? 

When a couple comes in for sex therapy, I can feel their combined energy of eagerness and hesitation. On the one hand, you’ve finally decided to get help for a sexual concern. You did your research to find a qualified therapist, scheduled the appointment, and have arrived at your first session.

Time to find solutions, right?

On the other hand, your sex life is often a private topic. You’re meeting with a stranger. You’re about to talk about deeply personal issues. “Putting it all out there” can feel uncomfortable, risky, and difficult. You may not want to hurt your partner’s feelings or perhaps you don’t want to be seen as “the problem” partner. 

In the early stages of sex therapy, I like to focus on building a relationship with the couple and with each partner individually. Sure, I ask questions about your sex life, but I also step beyond that to learn about you as a whole person. Our conversations touch on a wide variety of life experiences, not just sex.

Why? Sex doesn’t sit in a vacuum by itself. Many of your life experiences influence your sexual expression or lack of expression. All of your life domains intersect and influence each other.

What Do We Talk About First?

Within the first four or five sessions, we typically cover an overview of your current relationship story, including a full relationship history to help clarify how you’ve arrived at where you are today. 

We also talk about your career, parenting (if applicable), your medical history, mental health struggles, stress management and how you handle your emotions, the family you grew up with, physical health, traumas, losses, adjustments, and of course, your sex life. 

The Early Sessions

When we focus on your sex life, we’ll explore the quality and frequency of sex, any dysfunctions, anxieties, worries or pain associated with sex, along with your history of sexual desire, arousal, and pleasure. We’ll explore when in life you feel most relaxed and how you feel when you take time to focus on your body. 

Some of this conversation happens within a couples therapy format. I also schedule a few individual sessions with each person to help me connect with each partner separately and apart from the context of the relationship. 

Ultimately, while one partner may become the designated “patient”, the relationship as a whole is my client. Any suggestions or feedback that I offer, even when it’s directed toward one partner or the other, is in support of creating a healthy, vibrant relationship. 

Laying the Groundwork for Deeper Conversations

While you may want to jump right in to find quick solutions to your problems, sex therapy doesn’t typically unfold that way. 

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., couples will sit with their problem for an average of five years before they decide to reach out for help through couples therapy. While I don’t have the research on how long it takes couples to reach out specifically for sex therapy, I imagine it would be even longer due to the sensitivity of the topic. 

Since the problems don’t typically just arrive overnight but build over time, the process of healing or finding resolve takes at least 10 sessions to feel a shift. Even if a breakthrough happens quickly, sustaining sexual health and wellness takes time and repeated practice.

Creating the Right Pace

Since most couples experience both an eagerness and a hesitation to resolve their sexual issues, the pace of the work matters. Move too fast, and it will overwhelm you. Move too slowly, and you’ll feel like you’re not making progress. A good, productive sex therapy experience requires us to find the sweet spot that generates progress but also feels manageable. 

Important Questions in Sex Therapy

Early on, I love to explore what may seem like “basic” questions/answers about sex with couples. These questions often give couples pause because they’re the types of questions most folks don’t really think about when it comes to sex.

The first question is: What is sex?

Seems obvious, I know. But seriously, when you say, “We had sex” or “We’re not having sex,” what exactly are you referring to? Think about how you might answer that question before reading further.

Most heterosexual, cisgender couples say that sex is intercourse. 

Then I ask, does that include orgasm?

Most people say yes.

Then I ask, for both partners? One partner? If the other partner didn’t orgasm during intercourse, did sex happen?

Now the conversation gets more interesting. The pause and the uncertainty set in. 

These questions open up an interesting conversation about sex, how you define it, what qualifies as sex, and how that definition shapes your sexual desire and experience.

My Favorite Follow-Up Question in Sex Therapy

After we explore what sex is, how each partner defines it, and consider how their definitions influence each partner’s desire for sex, we then deepen the conversation. 

My follow-up question is: Why do you have sex? 

Again, this may seem obvious, but I guarantee that most people have never actually thought about it. Most partners default into the action of having sex (according to their definition) without considering why they do it. 

Some answers might include: 

  • Because it feels good
  • For closeness
  • For a release
  • Because I’m supposed to

Why do people, in general, have sex?

Then we look beyond the couple’s reason, and I’ll ask: Why do people, in general, have sex? What are the many reasons someone might have sex?

Some couples will list the very same reasons as their own and not move beyond that. In that case, I help them out by offering some ideas. Other couples may add reasons for having sex that go beyond their own motives.

Some of these can include:

  • Stress relief
  • For fun
  • To feel powerful
  • To feel desired

I might add some additional ideas, such as:

  • For revenge
  • To feel loved
  • To feel attractive
  • For spiritual enlightenment
  • For money
  • To feel valuable
  • To manipulate
  • For comfort
  • Out of boredom

This exercise helps couples learn and understand that sex with another person is a complex experience. It has many sides, outcomes, and functions. One partner’s definition of sex may not match the other’s. One partner’s “why” may be different from their beloved’s. 

When Your Sexual Motives Differ

If one partner uses sex as a stress release, but the other partner uses sex to feel connected, the mismatched energy and motive is felt. The partner who uses sex as a stress release may not be very focused on making the kind of connection their partner wants. This difference can shut sex down completely in a relationship.

In sex therapy, the solution is not a matter of finding a way to “just do it”. Sex is an existential experience. Meaning-making is an important part of the work to help create healthy, consensual sexual expression and engagement. 

Setting the Stage for Deeper Work

These preliminary conversations create a backdrop for you to explore your own motives, values, and reasons for wanting or not wanting sex. 

It creates the foundation to address longstanding concerns such as sexual desire differences, sex after having a baby, sex after a diagnosis, performance issues, or sexual pain.

As sex therapy unfolds over several weeks, I’ll often refer back to your “what” and “why”. These ideas may evolve as therapy progresses, with their “what” and “why” changing.

Your sex life is not a static experience.  It’s dynamic and changes over the relationship lifespan. That means that your “what,” and your “why” needs to have some flexibility to support change, as well as room to grow. 

In Summary

These seemingly “basic” conversations create a gentle entry into the private lives of a couple’s sex life. It helps establish a safe environment to explore the complex and nuanced topic of sex. 

The work focuses on a combination of therapeutic conversations, sexual re-education, sexual communication practices, healing of erotic wounds, and exercises for home practice. This combination focuses specifically on the couple’s unique goals. 

Over time, the hesitation that once accompanied the eagerness lessens as the couple begins to develop a richer understanding of their sexual selves and their sexual relationship. 

They typically gain confidence in themselves as sexual beings and clarity in their sexual and relational needs. They strengthen sexual communication and find a way to honor each other and the relationship as a whole. 

 

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriagegoals

Why Couples Can’t Communicate

We Can’t Communicate

No matter what issue couples present in therapy, 97% of them will cite communication as a core problem in their relationship.

In a recent post, I shared that the #1 predictor of divorce is a lack of love.

When the “in love” phase of your new relationship energy slows down and brain chemicals like norepinephrine, dopamine, and endorphins decrease, you can find yourselves suddenly bickering or not seeing eye to eye on issues that never bothered you before.

Your communication styles break down.

You react instead of respond, lose sight of the good in your mate and create emotional wounds.

When you stop caring, stop expressing your feelings, and no longer hold each other in high regard, you live in a love-less state.

You literally love less.

Your Intimacy Dance

This often shows up in what you say or don’t say, in your eye contact or lack of, facial expressions, breath patterns and tone of voice.

In couples therapy, we help couples see their unique intimacy dance and how it affects their ability to love.

This includes learning about who tends to lead, follow, control, be aggressive or passive, pursue or distance, shut down, withdraw and so much more.

In fact, this chart highlights skills we help couples avoid along with teaching them what they can do instead to help make their intimacy dance more fluid, connected, and loving.

10 Communication Skills for Couples

Conduct an honest assessment on yourself.

Mark the behaviors on the left-hand side that you know you might do and practice the suggested behavioral changes on the right.

10 Communication Skills for Couples 

Healthy intimacy requires strong communication skills.

As you can see from the chart above, the skills are not mysterious or complicated.

They’re not vague or abstract.

They are concrete, tangible, do-able behaviors that you can start to practice right away.

Remember, a series of small right actions can heal emotional wounds and course-correct most relationships.

Far too many couples fail to learn basic skills that can transform their relationship.

With simple behavioral changes, you can stop hurting each other and start to feel alive and happy again.

Good communication skills help you create high levels of relationship clarity, connection and satisfaction.

What resources do you use to help you be a strong, clear communicator? What skills do you use to tune in and listen well?

How do you remember to practice “loving”, consistently?

Hashtags:

#communication

#connection

#marriagecounseling

#couplestherapy

#intimacy

#carolynnaristone

#myintimaterelationship

#intimacyinsiders

#relationshipcounseling

#relationships

#marriage

#relationshipgoals

#understanding partner differences

What to do if You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives

Different Sex Drives

Have you ever said any of the following? 🗣

  • I have no desire
  • My partner has a low sex drive
  • My partner’s drive is much higher than mine
  • I never want to have sex

Unfortunately, today’s media pigeonholes the partner with the “lower” sex drive as dysfunctional. Couples seek out therapy wanting to “fix” the person with the “lower” drive.

But the idea of “fixing” can actually further that person’s sense of feeling like a non-sexual person.

Mismatched Desire

What if I told you that when it comes to mismatched desire, no one needs to be “fixed”?

Let me break down the latest research on understanding libido to help you better understand your personal sex drive and that of your partner.

What We Used to Believe 📖

For many decades, we thought that you needed desire to have sex.

The model looked something like this:

Desire → Arousal → Climax → Rest

Desire leads to arousal, which leads to climax. Then the body returns to a state of rest.

So, according to this model, if you don’t have desire, you can’t become aroused, yadayadayada…

And thanks to the pioneering work and research of Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. who wrote the book Come As You Are, we now have research that helps us better understand how desires differ and why.

As I break this down for you, think about how desire shows up for you.

Think about your partner.

Think about the areas that you feel stuck, hurt, confused and frustrated with desire and sex.

What We Believe Now 🧠

Nagoski’s work shows us that there isn’t just one kind of desire. It’s not a situation where you either have it or you don’t. Desire varies from men to women and it varies within gender as well.

In her research, she identified 3 types of desire: Spontaneous, Responsive and Contextual.

Let’s look at each one and see which applies to you.

Three Types of Sexual Desire ⭐️

Spontaneous desire means that desire shows up instantaneously.

Seventy-five percent of men experience spontaneous desire, 25% of men don’t.

Only 15% of women experience instant desire, whereas 85% of women don’t.

Look at those statistics again. They’re important.

In this description, spontaneous = instant. Sex is merely mentioned or initiated, and desire instantly shows up, ready to go.

Responsive Desire means exactly how it sounds.

This refers to desire that grows in response to some form of stimulation.

When something sexy happens, desire grows. Five percent of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire.

So, if you don’t necessarily initiate sex or think much about it, but tend to respond to your partner’s advances, you may have responsive desire.

Contextual Desire means that sexual desire is dependent on the circumstances and the environment.

Even if you feel stimulated, if the circumstances and the environment don’t work for you, your desire cannot fully show up.

This might help explain why you lack desire when the kids are sleeping in the next room, you had a hard day at work or you feel tired.

For you, context is everything.

Nagoski found that most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous, even though it may not be.

They may not realize that the other factors all fell into place in order for their desire to show up “instantaneously”.

Sexual Desire and You 💫

We typically love sharing this information in our couples therapy sessions because it generates so many A-HA! reactions.

Finally, couples can begin to make sense of their experience and better understand each other.

Information like this helps the “lower desire” partner remember that they are capable of desire, lust and erotic expression.

It also helps the “spontaneous” desire partner depersonalize the perceived lack of desire in that partner.

It makes room for us to consider that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience desire.

It’s just different for everybody.

So often, as we’ve evolved from being pre-adolescents to teens to adults, we didn’t get the right information about sex.

No one really taught us. We grew into our adult bodies and entered adult romantic relationships lacking critical information!

One of the joys of being a relationship and sex therapist is that we get to set the record straight.

You’re never too old and it’s never too late to get solid, clear, accurate sex education.

So which types of desire do you and your partner experience?

Love starts with you. ❤️

Are You at Risk of a Spiritual Divorce?

 The Spiritual Divorce

Unfortunately, many couples experience divorce before they actually formally divorce.  

Divorce is often the result of a silent separation that happens over many years. It creeps in slowly and quietly. No specific trauma required. 

In fact, it can happen when couples don’t practice the most fundamental aspects of loving:

  • Intimacy – genuine care for the welfare of the other, mutually sharing thoughts and feelings, being supportive, practicing empathy
  • Passion – demonstrating attraction, desire and physical connection through affection and sexual exchanges
  • Commitment – attending to the relationship in a conscious, mindful way on a consistent basis

It all comes back to this article where we learned about Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg Theory of Love

Are You in a Spiritual Divorce?

In her book, Learning to Love Yourself, author Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse offers the following symptoms as signs that you may be in a spiritual divorce:

  • Habitual sadness in the couple – low energy
  • Mutual sentiments of boredom and emptiness
  • Indifference to each other’s problems or dreams
  • Frequent coldness or avoidance in sexual encounters
  • Lack of small courtesies and politeness
  • Climate of mutual distrust
  • More confidence in someone outside the relationship than with each other
  • Communication routine and superficial
  • Frequent feelings of being alone or misunderstood
  • Insults and sarcasm and a discomfort with healthy anger
  • Much avoidance and little confrontation
  • Overbusy and chaotic social or professional life
  • Loss of capacity for play and joy
  • An atmosphere of the “violence of silence” in the home

Notice how many behaviors from this list tie right back to the Triangular Theory of Love.

Passivity, Disengagement and Loss of Interest

What stands out to me in the spiritual divorce is not so much what’s done but what’s not done. This list reflects a couple that has lost interest in each other, who engage passively, lack meaningful dialogue or experiences, live parallel lives, avoid each other and feel lonely even though they share a life together.

In modern love, it’s easy for this to happen, even to couples that were once incredibly close.

Modern-day couples live with unprecedented demands, especially in today’s climate of managing life during a global pandemic along with our charged political climate.

Even in moments where you might feel like you can relax, these issues sit beneath the surface. They’re with you on every shopping trip, school drop-off, family event, work engagement and social media feed.

It’s hard for our bodies and minds to drop into real relaxation. It’s hard to have the energy to be interested in your partner’s day. Life feels hard right now.

If You Find Yourself in a Spiritual Divorce

If you’ve read the list above and can check many of the statements, please don’t panic. You can find your way back to a more connected, loving relationship. It’s not too late. 

Here’s a great exercise to try with your partner.

Time Machine

  • Set aside an hour on a Friday or Saturday night
  • Make tea or cocktails with a snack
  • Start to go back in time and remember when you first met
  • Talk about that day/night
    • Who approached who?
    • What attracted you to each other?
    • What was your first date like? First kiss?
    • What felt fun and light back then?
    • What individual hobbies were you into? 
    • How did you like to spend your time as a couple?
  • As you go back in time, notice how it feels to remember. What do you miss?
  • What are the qualities that you want to bring back to your life now?
  • What matters to you most?
  • How can you make some changes?
  • What are you both willing to commit to?
  • Hug often as the night unfolds

You Can Reset and Restart

Finding your groove again as a couple doesn’t always have to require grand gestures. You don’t have to take a vacation somewhere to find each other, although vacations are certainly nice.

Sometimes, a few meaningful conversations can get the ball rolling. But talk isn’t enough. 

You have to follow through with action. 

What actions can you put into place (remember, small and meaningful go a long way) to start to bridge a divide that might have been growing between you?

What behaviors are you willing to shift to prevent a spiritual divorce?