by Carolynn Aristone | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond? Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you. We all wear multiple hats.
Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention. Trust me; I get it. Life demands a lot from you. But, are you too busy?
The Power of Choice
When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?” I know, you’re puzzled by this question.
Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.
I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.
Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices. We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.
You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness. Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.
So, the question is – Are you too busy? If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop. Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end. You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.
Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out. Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.
Asked yourself these three questions:
- Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?
Mindfulness is about paying attention. When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle. If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”
- Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?
If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value. You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth. There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing. (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)
I want you to think about where that comes from for you. How is busyness tied up in your self-worth? And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?
- Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?
Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules. I call this the “shoulds.” I should do this, or I should do that. I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event. It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.
We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”. In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.
Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live. Ask yourself, Am I too busy? If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need. Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.
A wise person knows their limits. Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty. Busyness robs you of fulfillment. The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life. You have a say in how you live. Now, go live your best life!
Love. Live. Better
At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better! We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better? Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better. Life is more manageable. You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.
Let’s make love the primary focus. When we do that, we all know that we are living better.
by Carolynn Aristone | Feb 12, 2018 | General, Holidays, Love, Mindfulness, Relationships, Valentine's Day
What keeps long-term relationships alive? Novelty. New experiences. Stepping outside of your typical box. This does not require expensive gifts! Let love and affection lead your celebration of romance this Valentine’s Day.
Some of the ideas below are not rocket science. But I guarantee you probably don’t do them. Why? Because they are stupid-simple. We tend to over-do, over buy, over think Valentine’s Day.
Remember, this day is not about expensive gifts. It’s about thoughtfulness, consideration, love, affection, and attention towards the one you love.
Below you will find 21 ideas on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day without spending lots of money. Remember, meaning and thoughtfulness go much farther than lavish gifts. Here’s what you can do for the one that you love:
21 Ideas On How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
- Make breakfast in bed
- Retell the story of when you first met, highlighting what made them “the one” for you
- Make a list of all the ways their presence in your life makes your life better and share it with them
- Begin and end your day with a one minute, heartfelt hug
- Send a love letter through snail mail
- Turn on music, grab your partner and dance in your kitchen
- Frame your favorite picture of them (just your partner, not a couple’s picture) and tell them why you love that one
- Frame a favorite picture of the two of you
- Hide little candy hearts in different places so that your partner finds them throughout the day
- Reminisce about your wedding day and tell your partner the one memory you have of them that you love from that day
- Give your partner a head to toe massage
- Make a homemade Valentine’s Day card
- Try to cook a fancy dinner together
- Feed your partner a favorite dessert (it’s okay to laugh throughout, in fact, I encourage it)
- Leave a card on their car windshield so that it greets them in the morning
- Surprise them with a bubble bath, just for them, with candles and champagne
- Bake a cake together
- Make a music playlist (their favorites, romantic songs, pick your theme)
- Turn off technology for the night or for a weekend, play games instead or turn in early and spend time having pillow talk
- Send an affectionate text several times that day with kissy face emoji’s and hearts
- Rent or stream their favorite movie, one you know they can watch over and over again (key: watch it with them!)
As you can see, it doesn’t take much to bring a little fun into your Valentine’s Day. If you can’t swing these things on a weekday, table your celebration for the weekend and tell them how much you look forward to that time together.
Sweet little somethings. Creative. Fun. Easy. Thoughtful. Loving.
by Carolynn Aristone | Apr 23, 2015 | Intimacy, Loneliness, Loss, Love, Marriage Survival
Do you have a fear Intimacy?
As a scholar of intimacy, I continuously attempt to refine my own understanding of this abstract concept and how it shows up through the multiple layers of our relationships.
I witness couples avoid it, dance around it, dip their toe into it, beg for it, misunderstand it, desire it, need it, want it, demand for it, fear it and block it, sometimes all within one therapy session.
Some partners seek it out but ensure they never receive it.
They partner with someone who maintains a safe emotional distance. Others desperately crave intimacy and develop enmeshed relationships.
Here, they lose their own identity. They cannot distinguish where they end and their partner begins.
But what is true intimacy anyway?
In a research article assessing marital satisfaction, written in The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families by Sobral, Teixeira and Costa, the authors define intimacy as the capacity to exchange thoughts and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued and to depend on them while also experiencing healthy autonomy.
The words “exchange” and “depend” stand out to me.
According to these authors, these are the action words, the behaviors, required for partners to experience intimacy.
The authors highlight that traditional definitions of intimacy exclude the concept of dependence.
So what might get in the way of achieving intimacy?
These researchers have defined two key areas:
FLS – Fear of losing the self (dependence)
FLO – Fear of losing the other (exchange)
Both of these require a withholding behavior.
It looks like this:
(FLS) If I share all of me, I might lose my autonomy, my independence.
(FLO) If I share all of me, you might disapprove of me and then reject me.
Therefore, I keep parts of myself hidden away from you but as a result, I feel lonely.
I think FLO is easier to identify than FLS because the feelings associated with FLO are more tangible.
These include feelings such as exposure and rejection.
Behaviors like direct eye contact can feel intolerable and create a kneejerk response to hide.
Conflict avoidance is another form of FLO. If I just keep the peace, you won’t leave me. But what does FLS look like?
Thoughts that might accompany FLS include not wanting to justify one’s actions to a partner, “I don’t have to explain myself to you”, “I don’t’ have to tell you where I spend my money” and/or operating from an “I” instead of “we” mentality.
With FLS, dependence not only feels uncomfortable but can also be threatening.
I am currently working with a couple that prides themselves on not “needing” each other, almost as if their autonomy is a badge of honor.
However, their fear of dependency has contributed to a sexless marriage of several years and a recent affair.
Therapists Brian and Marcia Gleason offer one of my favorite descriptions of dependency within a relationship.
In their book Going All The Way, they conceptualize healthy need as one’s ability to recognize one’s own autonomy while simultaneously being aware that with their partner, they are capable of so much more.
In Attachment and Human Development, psychologist Jude Cassidy wrote in her article Truth, Lies and Intimacy: An Attachment Perspective, “Autonomy is important for intimacy because to permit oneself to become truly close to another person, one must have confidence in the autonomy of both the self and the partner so that one is free from fear of engulfment”.
True intimacy requires both the prioritization of connection over distance as well as transparency over suppression.
When you permit yourself to need your partner, to reveal yourself and to fully connect, you live from a courageous heart. You allow love to conquer fear.
As I continue to help couples experience greater levels of intimacy, consider how FLO and FLS might keep you from experiencing a fuller, richer, more satisfying relationship with the one you love.
