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How to Address Problems in Your Marriage

by | Aug 3, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships

Steps to Address Problems in Your Marriage

Does your stomach drop when your partner says, “We need to talk”? Ugh, the worst, right? It isn’t easy to sit in “the talk”, whether you’re the partner expressing dissatisfaction or the partner receiving the feedback. A feeling of dread can sit on both sides of the experience. If you’re the partner carrying the gripe(s), it’s natural for you to want to rehash everything that’s wrong with your partner or your relationship. That makes sense since you’re seeking a solution to all of the problems.  Naming problematic behavior, whether through couples counseling or a series of private “talks” at home, is necessary to find resolve. However, if you find yourself only focusing on what’s wrong, instead of also on “what’s right”, you’re excluding important parts of your relationship story.   If the issues in your relationship feel chronic, it makes sense that the problems are all you might see. I liken this to a haze in your view that keeps you from clearly seeing that good things are happening too. 

Frustration is natural.

It’s also natural to have frustration and resentment build up over time. Unfortunately, resentment can block your ability to see anything good that your partner might do right now. It can also make positive relationship memories from your past, feel as if they’ve never happened. Repeatedly staying focused on what your partner has done wrong, or where they fall short, only strengthens that negative relationship story. If that’s the only thing you notice or point out, it can instill a sense of inadequacy in your partner.  When that’s the only message that they hear from you, it becomes destructive, often translating to “I’ll never get it right. They’ll never be satisfied with what I do ”.  How can you address problematic behaviors without deepening the divide? Let’s look at constructive ways to address problematic behaviors while also “seeing the good” in your partner so that you can get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.

What to Avoid When Naming a Problem in Your Relationship

To keep this simple, I’ve listed five areas to avoid the next time you want to address your partner’s problematic behaviors. Try these the next time you ask for “the talk”. 

Complain instead of criticize.

Relationship researchers, John and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. have written extensively on the pitfalls couples fall into when in conflict. In their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they note that complaints differ from criticisms.  Complaints focus specifically on the issue, criticism focuses on the person’s character.  Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes every time I come home? You’re just lazy and completely unreliable, expecting me to do everything all the time!” Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again (fact). You said on Tuesday night that you’d handle that before I get home (fact). What happened (Question)? Notice how the latter stuck to the issue, referenced a previous conversation, and then invited the partner to share why he/she didn’t follow through. Complaints keep defenses low and make it easier to find resolve. No character attacks.

Avoid all or nothing language.

When feelings start to escalate, it’s easy to use two very dangerous words, always and never. These words represent absolutes. Relationship behaviors don’t fall into absolute categories.  Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes everytime I come home? You always do this. I can never count on you for anything!” Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. Can we talk about how to resolve it? 

Prioritize understanding over winning.

You might think that conflict resolution means complete agreement. That can happen at times but some conflicts aren’t that neatly solved. Instead of trying to be “right” or win the argument, look for parts of each other’s perspective that make sense to you, even if you don’t fully agree. Let’s look at an example. Partner A: “I didn’t get to the dishes tonight because I had a really stressful day at work and I was exhausted. I needed time to decompress.” Partner B: “I understand your need to decompress. I know that your work is stressful. But we need to talk about this because it’s impacting me and our home life. This is an issue that keeps happening and it’s upsetting to me”.  Partner A: “I get why you’re upset, you come home tired too. I don’t want to upset you.” Notice how Partner B demonstrated understanding first but also didn’t abandon their own point of view. There was no complete agreement. Partner B’s attempt to understand keeps the conversation open and flowing instead of shutting it down. 

Include appreciation.

When you’re troubled by the problems in your relationship, it can be difficult to feel appreciation, even if your partner contributes positively to your shared life. You can share appreciation along with a complaint at the same time. Let’s look at an example of the sandwich approach: No sandwich approach: “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty bothered by this. Can we talk about how to resolve this?  Sandwich approach: “I appreciate that you took the time to talk the other night when I shared about the dishes in the sink. I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. It’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. I always appreciate that you’re open to talking about some of our struggles and I really want to work this one out.” The second example shows you the sandwich approach: the problem is sandwiched between two statements of appreciation. Again, this helps reinforce that you’re a team, not adversaries.

Keep it short and simple.

When you’re bothered by your partner’s behaviors, you may talk at length about it with them. Keep in mind that it’s hard for a partner to hear what they’ve done “wrong”. It’s even harder for them to hear it on repeat.  Instead of going on and on, stay focused, make your point in two or three sentences and invite your partner into the conversation. Focus on solutions more than the problem.

Need Help Seeing the Good in Your Partner?

If expressing appreciation or seeing the good in your partner feels difficult right now, you can try an exercise taken from research in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Known as the Pleasant Events Calendar, MBSR uses this activity to help decrease stress by helping you focus on what feels good in your life, or in this case, your relationship. For one week, keep a log for each day of the week, and answer the following questions:
  • What pleasant interactions did you experience with your partner today?
  • Were you aware of the pleasant feelings while they were happening?
  • How did your body feel during the experience?
  • What thoughts are in your mind now as you recall and write about this event?
After one week, notice how you feel and what you see in your partner. This exercise may help you reconnect to more pleasurable feelings about your relationship. If it only highlights a pleasure deficit, you may consider speaking to a licensed professional therapist that focuses on relationship therapy and/or marriage counseling.  In Conclusion You now have concrete tools to keep emotions regulated, see the good in each other, express appreciation and look for pleasure, all while addressing the hard stuff. Yes, it’s possible! When you follow the steps outlined in this article, “the talk” may not feel as scary anymore. Whether you’re attempting to resolve problems in the privacy of your own home or even in a therapy session, these steps can help you stay connected even while in conflict.

Behaviors That Might Drain Your Relationship

by | Mar 30, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships

Behaviors that Drain Your Relationship

When problems start in relationships, it’s easy to point fingers, blame our partners, and focus solely on their shortcomings. 

“If you would just ___________ (fill in the blank), we’d be great!”

As I’ve written many times before, one partner typically wants to “fix” the other.

Wouldn’t love feel easy if it were that simple? Fix the problem partner and all will be well.

Reality? Partner problems are interdependent. Finding root causes to chronic struggles can feel murky at times. Shifting relationship patterns requires patience, tolerance and acceptance skills.

After all, it takes two to tango. Relationship research shows us that both partners uniquely contribute to relationship struggles. 

I’ve got the perfect exercise to help you and your partner self-evaluate how you may contribute to your relationship issues. I often use practices like this in couples and marriage therapy to help partners decrease blame and increase accountability.

Holding Yourself Accountable

Personal accountability doesn’t mean that you stop expressing your relationship concerns. It simply means that you take a balanced approach to problem-solving. It’s a practice of humility. 

While practicing accountability, be careful to not take responsibility for what doesn’t belong to you. Some of your behaviors may contribute to the issue, as well as some of your partner’s actions. Each one of you contributes to the whole.

The purpose of self-assessment is to help you better understand how you show up. Do you show up being the type of partner that you’d like to have? Do your behaviors ultimately push your partner away? How do you create connection when in conflict?

The Drain Assessment Graphic

The DRAIN Assessment

I recently came across a great exercise that’s rooted in mindfulness practices.

Created by author Russ Harris, an expert in Acceptance and Commitment therapy, this assessment helps you take an honest look at your own behaviors.

He calls it the DRAIN exercise and it’s based on an acronym that he created that breaks down unhealthy behavioral habits. 

Rather than focus on your partner, I invite you to focus on yourself. Take a look at each category and write down the ways you might “drain” your relationship.

How Do You DRAIN Your Relationship?

D – Disconnection – In order to feel fully connected to your partner’s words, ideas, actions and feelings, it requires you to pay attention. Full attention means that you feel open, curious and receptive to their thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams. 

That’s not easy when you feel hostile or defensive. Or when you go into conversations blaming them, or with preconceived ideas about their intentions. 

Notice the many ways you might disconnect from your partner. It can look like many things such as irritability, stonewalling, being distracted, shutting down.

R – Reactivity – This refers to living on “automatic pilot”, meaning you don’t think about how you behave, it just happens. It’s a knee-jerk reaction or an impulsive response. 

Rather than being mind-full, it’s more mind-less, meaning that you didn’t really consider the impact of your actions. This can look like short-tempered responses, cursing, yelling, blaming and generally being hurtful. 

What behaviors might you do that reflect mindless reactivity instead of mindful responses?

A – Avoidance – Staying “conflict free” through avoidance is just as painful as being overtly confrontational. It’s a powerful and silent position of power. 

Retreat might feel like a relief from your problems but it only magnifies the issues. It leaves your partner in a powerless state and keeps your relationship stuck and in a state of suffering.

How might you act out in avoidance? Behaviors can include numbing actions like taking in excessive drinking, food, drugs, screen time, denial or complete physical withdrawal.

I – Inside Your Mind – Our minds love to hold infinite conversations about all things. It’s the source of our ability for deep concentration as well as for relentless distraction.

Living inside your mind means that you spend lots of time rehashing old stories and hurts or rehearsing all the conversations that you want to say. Chatter, chatter, chatter. It’s a space that lets you ruminate and remain stuck in pain, suffering and unproductive stories. 

How much time do you spend inside your mind? How trapped do you feel by the never-ending thoughts?

N – Neglecting Values – It’s easy to claim values but it’s not always easy to live up to them. Do you talk a good talk but then forget the walk?

If you claim a certain set of values as important to you, such as love or kindness, your actions – even when you feel angry – need to reflect those values. You can be angry and still love your partner. You can speak firmly without being unkind. Feeling angry doesn’t mean you abandon the value of love.

What values do you claim as important to you but then seem to abandon in moments where they might matter most? 

Take It To The Next Level

Now that you know the DRAIN Assessment and have answered the questions, Harris suggests that you make a list of two columns.

In the first column, make a list of values according to the type of partner that you’d like to be. You might use words like loving, kind, generous, affectionate, supportive, trustworthy, etc. 

Then, in the second column, come up with a list of values that you don’t subscribe to. Samples include materialistic, hostile, disorganized, aggressive, mean, etc.drain assessment columns

After you complete your self-assessment through the DRAIN process, look at your two lists. In moments when your relationship feels challenging, which list best describes your behaviors?

Be the Change, Enact the Change

Even if your partner doesn’t see their role in things, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work on your part. You can’t make your partner “do” anything, but you can exercise control over how you think and what you do.

Sometimes, when you become the change you want to see, you shift the entire system of your relationship. You no longer play the same role. It’s like you change the dance step, going from the tango to the waltz. 

Your partner can’t possibly keep dancing the tango without you as the tango partner. 

Take the lead.

Relationship Maintenance: Is It Time for a Tune Up?

by | Feb 17, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Sex Positive, Soulful and Mindful

Relationship Maintenance

I recently received a call from a former couple that I worked with. They said, “Can we come back in for a few sessions? We need a tune-up!”

Relationships require a certain level of maintenance. Just like a car requires standard maintenance a few times a year, well, your relationship does too.

Unfortunately, so many couples misconstrue this reality. 

Have you ever had thoughts like this?

Here is a list of mistaken beliefs that many couples think when it comes to relationship maintenance and nurturing:

  • If we have to work at it, then something is wrong.
  • I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need, he should just know!
  • Sex should just happen, we shouldn’t have to talk about it.
  • She should know I love her, why should I have to say it all the time?
  • Isn’t it obvious that I appreciate what he does?
  • Why do I have to thank him for picking up the kids? He’s supposed to do that.
  • We’ve been together 30 years, isn’t it clear that I’m not going anywhere?
  • We have sex at least once a week, clearly she’s satisfied.
  • Yes, I work late a lot but he understands.  If he was unhappy, he’d tell me.

Do you see the pattern here? 

These simple statements show us a series of common thoughts that can become relationship poison.

Let me show you what lurks beneath them.

Sternberg Theory of Love

There are 3 Components of Love that help couples connect and build a healthy foundation. In this blog, “What to do if You’re Falling Out Of Love”, we talk in-depth about Sternberg’s theory.

Current research tells us that a predictor for divorce is not infidelity, lack of romance, financial stress, or co-parenting differences.

It’s a lack of love.

 

Relationship Maintenance At Every Stage

Whether you’ve been together five years or 50, whether you’re a new family or empty nesters, your relationship is the vehicle that you ride together through life.

If you’re not regularly maintaining it, well, you become a hazard to your family and to yourselves.

It’s so easy to let life get in the way of your relationship focus but as the authors have written in the book, A General Theory of Love, “If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be last on the list…”

Dropping your time with your partner should be last on your list.

 

Try This “Tuning In” Exercise

One of the exercises I like to give couples in therapy is called the Relationship Check-In.

In this exercise, you’ll take turns sharing:

  • Set aside 20 minutes each week to check in with your partner.
  • Put away all electronics and find a private space in your home.
  • Try to check-in before either partner gets too tired (not too late).
  • Start by naming something that you appreciate about your partner.
  • Name something you might be struggling with in the relationship and name what you might need more or less of from your partner.
  • Tell your partner that you love them if that feels right for you. Hug.

In this exercise, no topic is off-limits.

It’s a great exercise in staying connected, holding space for both positive and negative experiences and clearly communicating what you each desire. 

It’s also important to stick to the 20 minutes.

If check-ins become 2-hour marathons, no one will want to participate.

If a difficult topic is raised, it’s helpful to know that:

  • The partner with the complaint has the time and space to share it
  • The time to focus on a difficult topic is boundaried and softened by positive feelings. 

When couples commit to this exercise, they almost always report feeling closer, more connected, in communication and generally happy with each other. Is it time for a relationship tune-up? 

Fun Ways to Nurture Your Love

In addition to regular check-ins, it’s also helpful to be kind and offer loving gestures when the opportunity arises. 

Small things like cooking your partner’s favorite meal, bringing her a cup of coffee in bed, washing his car for him or going out on regular date nights go a long way to demonstrate caring. 

There are so many ways to attend to and maintain your love. Maintaining what you have together isn’t a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign that you care so much. 

What are all the ways you attend to your relationship? 

 

 

How to Heal Your Relationship After a Betrayal

by | Feb 12, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Sex Positive, Soulful and Mindful

Healing After Infidelity and Betrayal

I see many couples in the practice because of infidelity, affairs, cheating and/or betrayal.

In these deeply painful experiences, couples not only struggle with the most fundamental concept of commitment but also with attempting to maintain their love during their crisis.

When Ashley Madison was hacked in 2016, an interview on NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.

Most couples have no map, no fallback plan, no direction on where to go once the affair is discovered or revealed.

“NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.”

If you’ve experienced infidelity or betrayal, the pain endured by both of you can feel insurmountable.

Restoring commitment in its most fundamental sense can feel nearly impossible for you.

Yet, with attention, intention, effort, and patience, I’ve seen couples move from near divorce to complete healing.

Couples may seek therapy at different stages of this journey.

 

Here are some examples of when partners contact us:

  • One partner suspects the other is cheating. Rather than sit alone with his concerns, he’ll use therapy as a means to explore what to do and how to handle it.
  • One partner is on the brink of having an affair or actively having one. She’ll use therapy to try to gain clarity about her conflicted feelings.
  • A betrayed partner discovers an affair and experiences a crisis of emotions. Feeling total devastation and loss, she’ll immediately seek out couple’s therapy for guidance.
  • A betrayed partner cannot get past a previous affair discovery. It may be years later and the couple struggles to move on. They may schedule for themselves to see how they can “get past” what happened.

Transparency, Accountability and Time

Initially, it will be important for couples to practice transparency and accountability.

If you are the betrayed partner, you hold a whirlwind of emotions that must be expressed.

Critical to healing, you’ll need to express your anxiety, anger, fear, disappointment, shock and overall devastation.

It’s natural for you to ask questions about the affair, remain suspicious for a period of time, and to question everything.

If you are the involved partner, you must hold yourself accountable for the decision to step outside the relationship, even if you feel justified in doing so.

You may have your own separate emotional experience that can also include fear, sadness, desperation, relief and concern.

It’s natural for you to avoid answering questions but you cannot avoid all questions.

Most importantly, you’ll both need to value time.

Time will help you move out of a crisis state, develop insight into your relationship and possibly envision a future together.

“Time helps couples move out of a crisis state, develop insight into their relationship and envision a future together”

Is it Possible to Experience Intimacy During a Crisis?

In therapy, as couples move through these phases, they learn how to practice the behaviors associated with “loving” while healing from an affair.

Amongst the many skills learned, couples practice communication, empathy, vulnerability, transparency, care for the welfare of the other, honesty, trust-building, and forgiveness.

Learning these skills isn’t a guarantee that you will stay together.

For some couples, the best decision, while difficult, is separation.

Before you move into those big decisions alone, please consider seeking therapy.

Therapy provides a space for couples to explore the healthiest way for them to heal.

Therapy shows couples how to practice “loving”, whether they choose to stay together or to separate.

 

 

Research tells us that couples will wait five years before they seek out relationship help.

 

The Silent Divide

For many affair couples, they unknowingly experienced a silent divide, a slow and steady series of actions and inactions that laid the groundwork for the affair(s) to occur. 

Remember, commitment isn’t a one-time act. It’s a series of behaviors that nurture your relationship over its lifespan.

This happens on the days when life feels ordinary, mundane and fine, as well as when you struggle to be in each other’s company.

With so many tools/resources at your disposal, from articles and books, podcasts and courses, and/or therapy, it’s easier than ever to stay attuned, connect and practice loving every day.

What resources do you use to practice “loving”, consistently, even when your relationship feels hard?

No Sex During the Pandemic? {Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive}

by | Oct 29, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex, Sex Therapy, Stress

 

Why couples aren’t having sex during the pandemic

I recently had a “socially distanced” coffee date with a friend. 

We talked about the impact of COVID on our work, kids and families. As we wrapped up, she added, “And let’s face it, no one is having sex. I mean, come on, he walks into the room and I think, oh…. you again”. On that note, we parted ways, but her words stayed with me.

How many couples think that very same thought? Feel sick of seeing their partner’s face all day and all night? Not because they don’t love them but because they feel trapped in every way due to the pandemic?

Can couples stay sexually fresh when the pandemic routine makes everything feel stale?

Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive

It’s not easy to feel sexy and hot when you’re also feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. And let’s keep it real: This ain’t no ordinary stress.

This is survival stress. Questions like, “How will we manage our bills?”, “How do we see our family without getting them sick?”, “How do we manage work and our kids school?”, “Will my parents die from CoVid?”, “Can our kids socialize with friends and not get sick?”

Add to that the sense of feeling trapped. You, your partner and your kids (if you have them), share the same walls almost 24/7 for months on end now, each on the other’s nerves, squabbling over how to share the space.

Plus the overwhelming, undeniable grief and loss as you watch numbers rise, fall, then rise again, as you see the death toll keep growing, watch holidays come and go without your traditional celebrations and more.

And I didn’t yet mention the shift in your physical activity – all the steps you’re not taking to meet your FitBit goals, the elastic pants and masks you’re living in or the fact that you may go several days in between showers.

All of this sets the stage for the “oh… you again” sexless relationship.

 

Marital and Relationship Conflict is On the Rise

The pandemic hasn’t stopped our phones from ringing. In fact, quite the contrary. As a sex therapist, I’ve gotten many calls from couples seeking online couples counseling and couples therapy to address sexual concerns.

For many, the stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their relationship, including their sex life. Some of the sexual concerns couples report include:

  • Being in a long-distance relationship and not having access to their partner
  • Afraid to get physically close when one partner works in a public setting
  • No private time at home because the kids are always present
  • No boundaries between work and home because work now happens at home
  • Being sucked into the black hole of social media for hours on end
  • Lack of date nights due to lockdowns
  • Increased sense of depression and lack of motivation in general

These issues feel like the weight of the world. Some days it feels heavier than others.

Within the virtual therapy room, couples are talking about their struggles and addressing them, many within the context of the impact of CoVid-19.

 

If You’re the Partner Getting Rejected

Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire. If your sex drive typically says “yes” more than “no”, you might feel abandoned and rejected by your partner more than ever.

If historically, you’ve been more into sex than your partner, the pandemic will only exacerbate that issue. Quarantine life adds a whole new dimension to “not feeling it tonight baby”.

As long as you’re living under lockdown, try not to take your partner’s lack of sexy engagment personally. Chances are, they want to feel sexier and more vibrant with you but the pandemic “survival” stress overwhelms their sexual system.

At the same time, it’s important to keep communicating about it.

Below, I offer ways to keep communication going, while also finding ways to stay connected under extreme stress.

How to Manage Your Sexual Differences During the Pandemic

Sexual desire differences come up a lot in sex therapy, even when we’re not in a global pandemic. It’s natural for each partner to have different styles of desire. Let me share some insights into how you can manage this during CoVid times.

  1. Talk about it. Couples shy away from sexual conversations even though they have sex together, often for years. If you can’t talk about sex, it’s pretty hard to have good sex.
  2. Practice compassion and empathy. Conversations about sex are vulnerable making. It’s not easy for anyone to say, “I feel rejected”, or “I want to have sex with you”, or, “I’ve lost my libido”. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
  3. Discuss your needs for touch. Try to describe what type of touch feels good right now, what feels welcome as well as what you miss most. Listen carefully to your partner.
  4. Be an investigator. Ask them questions about how that touch makes them feel. Secure? Safe? Loved? Playful? Relaxed? Sexy? Connected? Hot?
  5. Take a personal inventory. Now that you know what your partner desires most, ask yourself, am I willing to meet their needs, emotionally, physically or sexually?

Create a Bridge to Your Divide

When someone’s libido becomes less active, there’s certainly exercises they can do to help jumpstart sexy energy BUT, the goal of this article is not to make the “lower desire” partner meet the “higher desire” partner.

As a sex therapist, I have a plethora of exercises that I give to folks who seek to rev up their libido. But I’ve found that during the pandemic, this can add an increased stressor.

Additionally, I’ve found that bonding exercises have helped couples feel closer, more secure and loved during a very unpredictable, shaky time.

For some couples, the increase in bonding has organically led to greater sexual engagement but for others, feeling bonded has felt more fulfilling than trying to squeeze in a quickie.

This shows me that partners have different needs to be met during this global crisis. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

For some partners, it’s not about trying to have more sex. It’s about creating moments of real connection that feel safe, secure and bonding during a time of anxiety, fear and uncertainty.

Now, let’s acknowledge that for other partners, sex IS the way that they feel bonded, safe, connected and emotionally close.

As you hold conversations together and assess your needs and willingness, consider that both experiences are valid and valuable.

What You Have In Common with Other Couples

That sexless syndrome, “Oh…you again” is real, and if you’re feeling that, you are one of many.

In couples and sex therapy, I always emphasize quality over quantity. Rather than focus on how much less sex is happening, focus more on how to create real quality connection together.

Have meaningful conversations along with intentional, meaningful touch such as extended hugs, snuggles, kissing and spooning. Linger in bed longer on weekend mornings, turn in a bit earlier at night. Share some pillow talk.

Make the quality of your connection strong, consistent and reliable.

If sex happens as a result of that, great, but if not, try not to personalize it or feel guilty about it. Keep conversations about sex going, without attaching to an outcome.

Focus more on taking good care of each other during this tumultuous time.

 

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When You Want Marriage Counseling and Your Partner Doesn’t

by | Oct 16, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Every couple’s therapist knows that when a couple walks through the door for therapy, chances are that one partner wants to be there and the other one doesn’t.

It’s ok, we’re not offended! We’re also not surprised.

Take Lori and Jordan for example. After years of struggle with their sex life, Lori got online and looked up “sex therapist near me”.

She tried to encourage Jordan to research online counseling but Jordan spent far less time on it than she did. Lori made the initial call to us and booked their first appointment. Jordan reluctantly attended the first session.

Believe it or not, I see value in both Lori and Jordan’s perspectives.

It makes sense that Lori would have confidence in a qualified professional to support them. It also makes sense that Jordan would initially be skeptical of placing his precious marriage in the hands of a stranger.

It took time before Jordan became comfortable with the process of sharing their relationship and sexual history with me. But with time and support, Jordan began to trust the process. They worked through their sexual misunderstandings and created a meaningful sex life together.

Why Your Partner Won’t Attend Counseling

Your spouse, like Jordan, might also balk at the idea of couples therapy, online counseling, online courses for couples, or any sort of relationship help.

While they may cite time, money, and energy as reasons to not engage, here is a list of the deeper reasons he or she may resist help:

  • Fear of rocking the boat and making things worse
  • Fear that the therapist will side with you
  • Fear of sharing intimate stories with a stranger
  • Fear of depending on anyone else
  • Fear that counseling means you have serious problems
  • Fear that you will use therapy as a vehicle for separation
  • Fear that needing outside help means your relationship is doomed
  • Fear of anyone finding out that your relationship is struggling
  • Fear of failure

Reaching out for help can feel paradoxical. Your partner might think that counseling or focusing on your relationship problems will only magnify the issue. But the reality is that if you play it “safe and silent”, your problems actually grow.

It becomes a quiet undercurrent that creates a deep divide.

How to Get Your Partner on Board

While there’s no guarantee that your partner will join you in therapy or any other self-help resource, there are steps you can take to help the process along.

Here are some suggestions for working with your reluctant partner:

  • Ask them what their concerns are for seeking help. Whether it’s a private option like reading relationship books, taking a self-help course online, or seeking therapy with a professional, ask them to specify what makes them uncomfortable about the idea.
  • Validate your partner’s resistance. As I mentioned above with Lori and Jordan, both partners had valid reasons for why they did or didn’t want therapy. Your partner probably does too. Acknowledge their concerns, even if it’s against what you think is right.
  • Address the fear factor. Read the list above and see if your partner names anything that falls into those categories. Offer your partner a different perspective to help counter the fear they might feel about needing help.
  • Solicit their ideas. Name a variety of ways you can get help as a couple. Ask your partner to add any of their own ideas and to rank them from most favorable to least favorable. As a start, consider choosing the method that feels most tolerable to them.
  • Play with hypotheticals. If you’re leaning toward therapy, ask what criteria need to be met. Male or female? Location? Faith-based or secular? Best time and day of the week? Specific race, age, or orientation? The ideal person to talk to? Expectations for therapy?
  • Explore the introductory model. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to meet once with a therapist for a meet and greet session. If you want your partner to sign up for an Ecourse, take the free webinar, or view the website together to become more familiar.
  • Make a commitment. Find one process to commit to. Whether it’s counseling, self-help books, or online services, ask your partner to pick one with you and make a weekly commitment to doing it together.

When You’re Partner Still Resists Help

It can feel hard to take all of these steps and still feel dismissed by your partner. The process may test your patience and tolerance for their resistance. It can feel unfair.

As you move through the suggestions above, be sure to add what all of this means to you.

You may want to say any of the following:

  • Nothing is more important to me than our marriage. But I feel frustrated and hopeless when you resist all of my suggestions. This hurts me. What parts can you reconsider?
  • I’m trying to meet you halfway but I don’t feel that you’re doing the same. We’re not resolving these issues on our own. I don’t want to live the rest of our marriage this way.
  • I understand your feelings about getting help but I’m asking you to push through the parts that are uncomfortable for you so that we can have a better relationship. Can you?
  • I’ll never offer you an ultimatum but I’m sure you know that if things don’t improve between us, our future is unpredictable. I can’t do this alone. It takes two of us. Join me.

Going Solo for Counseling, Therapy or Self-Help Options

If after all of these conversations, your partner still doesn’t want to get help with you, then commit to getting yourself the support that you seek.

While it’s not easy to reach this point, you want to make sure that you take care of yourself. That could mean reading your own books, taking an online class, attending a support group, or seeing your own therapist.

There are many paths to relationship wellness. Ideally, you want your partner along for that ride. Make every effort to get them on board. If ultimately, they resist, let it go and work on you.

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