10 Communication Mistakes to Avoid {Tips from a Marriage Counselor}

Are You Making These Communication Misktakes in Your Relationship?

Do you think to yourself, “We don’t know how to communicate“? Feel like you argue in circles, never resolving your differences? Sick of feeling unseen and unheard?

Good, healthy communication is a skill. It’s like a muscle that has to be toned through exercise. It requires intentional effort and practice and guess what? It’s something couples can learn how to do.

How often do you cut each other off, talk over each other, name call, or smirk at your partner’s comments? How many times do you create circular conversations that go nowhere?

In your intimate relationship, you will have differences of opinion. In fact, I hope that you do. That means that two unique personalities are visible. That’s a good thing.

But, how you navigate your differences matters.

Skills You Can Learn Through Marriage Counseling

In couples therapy, marriage counseling, or relationship counseling, we help couples see their own intimate communication dance. This includes learning about who tends to lead, follow, control, be aggressive or passive, pursue or distance, shut down, withdraw and so much more.

In fact, below is a chart that highlights skills we help couples avoid along with teaching them what they can do instead to help make their intimacy dance more fluid, connected, and loving.

 10 Communication Skills for Couples – Mistakes and Solutions

Avoid This… Instead Do This…
Talking over your partner Be quiet while they speak
Blocking your partner’s ideas and feelings Ask them what they think and feel, then listen
Name calling Manage your anger, take a deep breath
Blame and Shame Practice personal accountability
Bringing up old wounds and random issues Stay focused and stick with one topic
Belligerency (“You’re the problem, not me”) Remember it takes two to tango
Sarcasm or hostile humor Say, “I feel really angry right now
Eye rolling, sighing Take a break, then come back to talk more
Personal criticisms Focus on the problem, not on character
Using words like “always” and “never Say “sometimes” or “this happens a lot

Center for Intimate Relationships ©2020 All rights reserved.

You can see that these communication skills are not complicated. Anyone can learn to strengthen and improve them. Over the years, we’ve seen thousands of couples in therapy. Every couple comes in with their own unique story that needs some form of guidance and healing.

As couple’s therapists, we use charts just like the one above to provide concrete tools for you to draw from, homework to practice and new skills to learn.  Your therapy sessions help you practice these skills so that you can bridge the divide between you.

Let’s consider the story of Harriet and Kirby.

Relationship Counseling with Harriet and Kirby

Harriet and Kirby came into therapy because they were at odds in most subject matters – sex, money, parenting and work. They felt deep marital dissatisfaction but weren’t ready to call it quits. They knew that they loved each other but didn’t know how to manage their differences.

We met weekly. Harriet expressed feeling overwhelmed by their work and parenting schedule, changes in her body after having kids, overall exhaustion on most days and missing the “little things” Kirby used to do for her to make her feel special.

Kirby talked about his stress around being a father due to how he was raised, numbing out each night with social media, feeling like he was always “in trouble” with Harriet and that he didn’t do anything right by her standards. He also said their sexless marriage had him feeling like less than a man.

Both partners came from high conflict families. As kids, they were the “parent pleasers”, in an attempt to keep their parents from fighting even more.

They carried this into adulthood. They tried to please too many people – bosses, external family, the kids, friends, neighbors, the school community, church members – leaving nothing left for their own relationship. They worked to please everyone but each other.

Each felt weary, bitter and resentful towards the other.

Those hard feelings showed up in their poor communication style.

They exercised behaviors from the “avoid” column above. With the guidance of therapy, they learned how those behaviors kept them stuck in a negative cycle.

After about 12 sessions, they started to connect the dots. They saw how their upbringing influenced their interactions with each other.

In fact, they got so good at seeing their own negative pattern that when caught up in it, they would name it themselves! “We’re in it again”, they’d say.

Except this time, they had communication tools to get out of that awful cycle.

With enough practice, that cycle showed up less and less as behaviors from the “Do this Instead” column showed up more and more.

Rather than get heated quickly, like their parents did, they practiced slowing down, conscious breathing, responding (Do Instead) not reacting (Avoid).

They focused on connecting instead of winning.

They lived for 10 years in a dissatisfying marriage. Through marriage counseling and commitment to the homework, they improved their marriage in just six months.

 

Healthy Communication With Your Spouse or Partner

Healthy communication skills are available to you too. As you can see, the skills are not mysterious or complicated. They are not vague or abstract.

They are concrete, tangible, do-able behaviors that you can start to practice right away.

Far too many couples fail to get the right help that can transform their relationship. With simple behavior changes, you can stop suffering year after year in an unhappy marriage and start to feel alive and happy again.

If you find yourself stuck in a negative cycle and can’t get yourselves out of it, consider working with a marriage counselor or couples counselor who has experience and can offer you research-based tools to support your relationship health.

 

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Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

 

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum.  In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things.  If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple.  Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes.  Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work.  My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers.  You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents.  And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality.  It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within.  Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.  

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected.  You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being.  But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you.  It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect.  Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

  1. The couple feels stressed out by life
  2. One partner wants more sex than the other
  3. One or both partners have had affairs
  4. The couple struggles with parenting challenges
  5. The couple holds different marital expectations
  6. One partner is depressed or anxious
  7. One partner is a functional alcoholic
  8. One or both partners have body image issues
  9. One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
  10. One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is.  As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them.  Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work.  As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better.  At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun! 

The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

Are you living in a sexless marriage?  Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about.  You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services.  This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships.  In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.  

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

  1. First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
  2. Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life.  You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
  3. Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down.  This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple.  Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second.  I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body.  You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low?  You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

  • Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
  • Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
  • Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
  • Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
  • Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
  • Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage.  You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it!  Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being.  I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

Overcome Boredom in Your Relationship

Are you bored in your relationship?

Does your relationship make you want to yawn?  Does it feel like Relationship Groundhog Day?  Same routine, same activities, same restaurants, etc. It’s what happens to most couples when their days become Life Management 101.  All about routines, schedules, structures. 

Don’t get me wrong. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? At least, you know what to expect.  

Like most long term couples, you settle in for the long haul.  Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where spontaneity might bring uncertainty, reliability brings a sense of safety.  Unfortunately, it can also bring boredom and complacency.

It can even lower the bar for what’s possible in your love and in your life. 

Over time, it can be hard to understand how you got to where you are or where your spark went.  You may even start to think– What the hell happened to us? We used to be so fun together.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has felt “the slump”.  I’m not saying routines are bad.  (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.)  But I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship.  Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent. 

Consider this Question:

How does your predictability impact intimacy?

We’ve established that traits like stability and reliability create safety, right?

But these traits are also opposite to spontaneity, excitement, curiosity, adventure and risk. 

And at it’s core, healthy intimacy involves risk-taking.

So, while stability and reliability are great for safety, and are certainly important for intimacy, they can also sabotage intimacy when they become the sole focus of your love. 

When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. No spark. 

I’m sure you can feel the difference between when you’re in your love groove and when you feel stuck in a relationship rut. 

If you want to feel intimate, connected and fun with each other again, you must step outside of your relationship box.

You have to proactively, intentionally and purposely bring excitement back into your relationship so that you can feel fun again.  

And when you introduce healthy risks, you not only increase your intimacy potential but you also bring new energy to your love.

 

It Starts with You

Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks?  

Do you fear being vulnerable?

Does intimacy challenge you?  

To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself to do “different”.

Sometimes, fear of change can lead to complacency.

So can laziness, passivity, depression, relationship conflict, perfectionism, taking your relationship for granted. 

So rather than confront those things (which requires courage), we go on cruise control. (Yawn)

We don’t step outside the box or get outside of our comfort zone.

We don’t find our edges or take risks on our own – let alone as a couple.  

As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.

Boring Relationship, Lost Spark, No Intimacy

So what does “it starts with you” actually mean?

Well, having an exciting relationship starts with you being an exciting partner.

YOU are the start to getting back on course, away from boredom and complacency toward growth, spark and connection. 

Be Willing to Take Risks

How do I know any of this?  Well, in addition to being a sex therapist and couples counselor, I know from personal experience.

My spouse and I have been married for over 20 years. We consider our marriage to be a great one.  

After all this time, we still feel intimately connected. But that intimacy is earned.

We take healthy risks – emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.

Whether that means having tough conversations with each other, an adventure we’ve never had before, a new sexual experience, sharing a spiritual awakening or something else.

I encourage you to take risks too. 

And not just relationship risks but personal risks. 

Do something that is as far from boring as possible.

Whether it’s confronting a work situation that you’ve avoided, taking that class you’ve had your eye on, booking a solo trip over a long-weekend, anything that gives you a new experience. Anything that offers you a new story to share. Anything that deepens the dimensions of who you are.

When I do this, or my partner does this, it gives us the opportunity to share something new at the end of the day.  We can talk about our edges. We inject new material into the fabric of our lives.

At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves.  We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge.

As a result, we become more interesting to each other. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship.

Overcoming boredom in your relationship starts with you and can have a beautiful ripple effect into your love.

 

Change your Mindset

If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back and look at your approach.  

Remember this: how you do anything is how you do everything.

It’s time to self-examine.

Ever hear of the “fixed mindset” versus the “growth mindset”?

In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or static qualities.  

In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work.

You want to adapt a growth mindset.

That means that you believe that you have the potential to evolve, to deepen your connection to each other, to bring life back into your love, to grow individually and as a couple.

But, it starts with you.

You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.

 

Overcome Boredom in your Relationship

If you’re feeling complacent, stuck, disconnected, boring, loveless, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back.  Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

  1. Where is my edge?
  2. Where am I challenging myself?
  3. How am I going to step into who I want to be?
  4. How can I be the kind of partner that I want to have?

Answer these questions separately, then come together to discuss. The answers will guide you to co-create a life and love that feels invigorating, inspiring and one that you look forward to engaging with. All of that is a far cry from a boring relationship or life.  

Remember, passion rises where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.

Become passionate about your life and your love — That’s a good place to start. ♥️

 

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

Do you fear that your past shows up in your current relationship?

Maybe statements like: “I don’t know how to trust, it’s not safe”, “I don’t know when to reach out, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone”, or perhaps “I don’t dwell on how I feel, it’s easier to just move on” are all too familiar for you or your partner.

Oftentimes, we latch on to thoughts of being flawed or not good enough or unworthy of love when trauma was a part of our childhood. If relationships are a source of fear, then absent, insecure or disorganized attachments leave a person feeling helpless or alone. The mind finds a way to cope. But sometimes, coping does not lead to healing and your trauma can creep into adult relationships.

Even if the person can’t name the aftereffects, they feel them. Whether it’s feeling like a lifelong victim, acting passive-aggressively when upset, retreating into passivity during conflict, or creating an inauthentic version of yourself – there are many ways childhood trauma affects adults in a relationship. It can also feel difficult to support someone with trauma, especially in a partnership.

Survivors of childhood trauma deserve love and security in a relationship. Forming a healthy relationship can be full of missteps and confusion, but fostering intimacy can be full of healing and growth. Let’s discuss how we can better understand the impact of trauma and help partners love and live better.

Seeing Childhood Trauma

Whether you or your partner has experienced trauma, the most important thing to remember is that (just like anyone) they want to be seen, heard, and understood. It starts with seeing the effects of trauma on your relationship. Do you and your partner experience:

  1. Disagreements fueled by emotions?
  2. Reactions heightened by common relationship issues?
  3. Aversions to conflict making talking through issues difficult?
  4. Assumptions that one person is against the other?
  5. Doubts about a partner’s love or faithfulness that linger?
  6. Issues accepting love, despite repeated reassurance?

Unhealed trauma is a deep wound and dynamic force in any partnership, which can amplify emotions and escalate issues. Whether it is you or your partner who has experienced childhood trauma, the language you use in conversation is critical to healing and growth in your relationship.

Talking Childhood Trauma

Building a stronger connection, healthier bond, and more intimate relationship requires a lot of communication. Talking about childhood trauma can be difficult and there are times when your current relationship will trigger those same fears. Learning how to navigate the conversation helps couples stay calm and collected as their understanding of trauma heals and grows their partnership. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Self-observation can slow down escalating emotions
  2. Mindfulness can raise awareness and identify triggers for each of you
  3. Phrasing can help you both stay grounded in the present

If during a conversation, something that is said or heard triggers an unwanted response or reaction then try redirecting the dialogue. You can use phrases like:

  1. “I wonder if we can slow this down or if we are heading into old territory”
  2. “It seems like we’re getting triggered. Can we figure out what’s going on with us?”
  3. “I’m thinking this could be something we should talk about in therapy.”

Healing childhood trauma is like healing a deep wound. It takes careful, hard work especially in an adult relationship. However, it is possible to replace old ways of being over time. And, finding a therapist who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, can be the next step to repairing old traumas.

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

Oprah recently did a report on 60 Minutes that discusses how trauma plays a role in childhood development and what new methods are being used to help people who have experienced it. The piece has been life-changing for many. You can watch it here.

So, the question is, how does childhood trauma affect adult relationships? It affects how we see, hear, and understand each other. In an intimate relationship, the triggers are bigger and the stakes are higher. Couples must do the work to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood in their partnership (especially when trauma is at work).

If you walk away learning one thing, walk away seeing, hearing, and understanding the difference between “What is wrong with you?” and “What happened to you?” The difference here in how you perceive and receive your partner is subtle but profound. The first question looks to fix the trauma with blaming language while the second question looks to comprehend their trauma with safe language.

Everyone deserves to love and live better. Whether you or your partner has survived childhood trauma, you can decide to work together to heal and grow in your relationship. The more we understand about childhood trauma, the more we foster intimacy in adult relationships.

How to Receive a Compliment

Does your partner struggle to receive a compliment?  

Do you struggle with accepting them?  

Do you dismiss compliments?  

When you allow yourself to take a compliment in and integrate it into your being, you participate in intimacy.

A personal share… A couple of years ago, I was part of a mentoring group that gave me tremendous, unwavering support. But when a new opportunity arose for me, I made the decision to leave the group.  

During our last meeting together, our lead mentor asked everyone to share what they appreciated about me and my contribution to the group.  I didn’t know this was going to happen. I received one compliment after another. Even though I made the decision to leave the group, I felt a huge wave of emotions during this exercise.

I took many deep breaths as I kept my feet grounded to the floor. With each inhalation, I allowed myself to take their compliments into my whole being. Feeling my breath in my body and feet on the floor helped me to stay grounded in what felt like an exercise of intimacy.  

My question to you is…

Do you allow yourself to stay present and take those moments in?  

Or, do you dismiss compliments and miss opportunities for deeper intimacy?  

Let’s discuss how to receive a compliment so you can stay grounded, present, and intimate with the one you love.

Dismissing Compliments

If you and your partner dismiss each other’s compliments, then you are dismissing intimate moments.  What does dismissal look like? It looks different for everyone and every relationship. Here are just a few examples of how your discomfort might show up:

  1. Laughing your way out of the compliment (using humor to deflect away from the compliment)
  2. Countering with another compliment (deflecting away from the self and onto your partner)
  3. Stopping the compliment from happening (totally blocking intimacy)  

When you do not know how to receive a compliment with ease and comfort, then your partner’s powerful acknowledgements have nowhere to land. If this describes you or your partner, then let’s talk about why. What are some of the reasons for dismissing compliments?

The Reasons Why

Intimacy starts with you and compliments are intimate. Consider how your personal history affects how you receive compliments. Do these apply?

  1. Self-esteem – When don’t feel good about yourself on the inside and someone offers you a compliment, the words don’t match how you see yourself. It’s difficult to take the beautiful words in if you don’t believe them yourself.
  2. Family of Origin – How did your family acknowledge each other? Were compliments encouraged or discouraged? Did your parents praise each other? As products of our environments, we often carry on the culture and traditions of our families of origin.
  3. Expectations – If someone “sees” you and expresses this through a compliment, then they may expect more from you. This may exceed how you see yourself. It may feel easier to dismiss their compliment than to fulfill what you imagine their expectation to be.

What’s true in almost any of these moments is this: Compliments are a practice in exposure, intimacy, and vulnerability. We all want to be recognized, to feel significant to someone else. That experience can feel welcome and simultaneously, overwhelming.

How to Receive a Compliment

You need to own your awesomeness! Remember, it all starts with you. It’s hard to give unto others if you yourself struggle to receive. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

  1. What do you feel good about?  

Implement a ritual of self-acknowledgment. Review your day daily. Ask yourself what you feel good about that day. Maybe you made it to the gym or made a good food choice or went the extra mile at work. Think about your accomplishments and feel good about yourself.  

2. What can you compliment in others?

Be generous in your recognition of others. Make your compliments authentic. If you are able to give genuine compliments to someone else, then it reinforces for you that compliments can be authentic acknowledgments of appreciation. This helps when you are on the receiving end.

3. How do you receive a compliment?

Work on being generous with yourself and generous with offering compliments to others. This practice will strengthen your ability to receive acknowledgment from others. Compliments will finally have a place to “land” within you because compliments, both giving and receiving, will feel familiar.

It starts with acknowledging yourself, so others can acknowledge you, too. If you see the good in yourself, then the ones you love can recognize the good in you, too. Learning how to receive a compliment is a powerful experience. You deserve to give and receive the good in your life.