by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 21, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability
Does your partner struggle to receive a compliment?
Do you struggle with accepting them?
Do you dismiss compliments?
When you allow yourself to take a compliment in and integrate it into your being, you participate in intimacy.
A personal share… A couple of years ago, I was part of a mentoring group that gave me tremendous, unwavering support. But when a new opportunity arose for me, I made the decision to leave the group.
During our last meeting together, our lead mentor asked everyone to share what they appreciated about me and my contribution to the group. I didn’t know this was going to happen. I received one compliment after another. Even though I made the decision to leave the group, I felt a huge wave of emotions during this exercise.
I took many deep breaths as I kept my feet grounded to the floor. With each inhalation, I allowed myself to take their compliments into my whole being. Feeling my breath in my body and feet on the floor helped me to stay grounded in what felt like an exercise of intimacy.
My question to you is…
Do you allow yourself to stay present and take those moments in?
Or, do you dismiss compliments and miss opportunities for deeper intimacy?
Let’s discuss how to receive a compliment so you can stay grounded, present, and intimate with the one you love.
Dismissing Compliments
If you and your partner dismiss each other’s compliments, then you are dismissing intimate moments. What does dismissal look like? It looks different for everyone and every relationship. Here are just a few examples of how your discomfort might show up:
- Laughing your way out of the compliment (using humor to deflect away from the compliment)
- Countering with another compliment (deflecting away from the self and onto your partner)
- Stopping the compliment from happening (totally blocking intimacy)
When you do not know how to receive a compliment with ease and comfort, then your partner’s powerful acknowledgements have nowhere to land. If this describes you or your partner, then let’s talk about why. What are some of the reasons for dismissing compliments?
The Reasons Why
Intimacy starts with you and compliments are intimate. Consider how your personal history affects how you receive compliments. Do these apply?
- Self-esteem – When don’t feel good about yourself on the inside and someone offers you a compliment, the words don’t match how you see yourself. It’s difficult to take the beautiful words in if you don’t believe them yourself.
- Family of Origin – How did your family acknowledge each other? Were compliments encouraged or discouraged? Did your parents praise each other? As products of our environments, we often carry on the culture and traditions of our families of origin.
- Expectations – If someone “sees” you and expresses this through a compliment, then they may expect more from you. This may exceed how you see yourself. It may feel easier to dismiss their compliment than to fulfill what you imagine their expectation to be.
What’s true in almost any of these moments is this: Compliments are a practice in exposure, intimacy, and vulnerability. We all want to be recognized, to feel significant to someone else. That experience can feel welcome and simultaneously, overwhelming.
How to Receive a Compliment
You need to own your awesomeness! Remember, it all starts with you. It’s hard to give unto others if you yourself struggle to receive. Here are three questions to ask yourself:
- What do you feel good about?
Implement a ritual of self-acknowledgment. Review your day daily. Ask yourself what you feel good about that day. Maybe you made it to the gym or made a good food choice or went the extra mile at work. Think about your accomplishments and feel good about yourself.
2. What can you compliment in others?
Be generous in your recognition of others. Make your compliments authentic. If you are able to give genuine compliments to someone else, then it reinforces for you that compliments can be authentic acknowledgments of appreciation. This helps when you are on the receiving end.
3. How do you receive a compliment?
Work on being generous with yourself and generous with offering compliments to others. This practice will strengthen your ability to receive acknowledgment from others. Compliments will finally have a place to “land” within you because compliments, both giving and receiving, will feel familiar.
It starts with acknowledging yourself, so others can acknowledge you, too. If you see the good in yourself, then the ones you love can recognize the good in you, too. Learning how to receive a compliment is a powerful experience. You deserve to give and receive the good in your life.
by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 7, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…
We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.
Why?
Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.
- It isn’t romantic.
- It seems ‘forced’.
- It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
- What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
- What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
- What happens if the kids interrupt?
- What if….
If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.
I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.
Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.
You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?
A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)
Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.
Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?
If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!
Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.
Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?
Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.
BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.
If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!
In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!
by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 5, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….
In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE. In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!
Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.
Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.
If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.
Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.
- This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
- If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.
So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.
- You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
- If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
- Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
- If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
- Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.
So, should you schedule sex?
We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.
Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.
Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex? If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.
by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 8, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
Is there Humor in your relationship?
Do you laugh at yourself? Or, do you take yourself too seriously? Laughter can be THE best medicine. A good sense of humor can strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know some sessions are hard.
Other sessions not so much; perhaps less heavy, less intense. Let me share a story with you of how one couple turned a difficult session into a breakthrough with humor.
I had been seeing this couple for a few months.
They had lots of conflict and worked hard on their relationship.
During our session, I shared a thought of mine. Suddenly, I noticed a smirk on the one partner’s face. I looked at him and said, “I see you smirking! What are you thinking right now?”
Then, he just started laughing. He repeated the thought I had just shared with them, verbatim, and sarcastically called it “therapy gold, a real master’s level summary.”
When he reflected my statement back to me, I realized how funny it was, as did his spouse.
I kid you not, when I share that all three of us – him, his spouse, and me – broke out into hysterical laughter.
It was the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.
The kind of laughter where you have a hard time regaining your composure.
It took all of us a while to get back to business, and we laughed about it for multiple sessions.
But, it reminded us of the power of humor and how it can transform a difficult moment, conversation or conflict into a different kind of experience.
Therapy Isn’t Always Hard
There are two reasons why I’m telling you this story.
- Humor strengthens your relationship with anyone, including during therapy. What an amazing gift, when you have that kind of rapport and trust with your therapist – so much so that you can lightly poke fun at them; everyone can laugh about it and all parties have a good time. For me, humor is symbolic of the quality of our relationship.
- Therapy isn’t always intense or hard. Depending on the session, what we’re talking about, and the level of humor you practice in your life, there can be funny moments. I have experienced intense humor and hard laughter in my office. Sometimes clients are poking fun at their own idiosyncrasies; sometimes they are poking fun at me.
Stories like this also remind me of the role of humor in my own marriage.
My husband and I have the ability to laugh at ourselves. And, that’s really how humor starts.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re most likely too hard on yourself. Lack of humor robs you of the playfulness that life has to offer.
You’ll miss out on how humor transforms and strengthens your relationship. Because laughter is like a relief of pressure in an already pressured world.
How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship
When’s the last time you laughed? (I’m talking about doubled-over, cheeks-hurting, tears-popping-out-your-eyes laughter.) Humor not only strengthens your relationship, it’s just plain good for you! Here are six (somewhat unexpected) health benefits of laughter:
- It burns calories! Laughter is actually like exercise.
- It strengthens your core. Laughter literally works your midsection.
- It increases your heart rate, which increases circulation in your body.
- It decreases stress. When you decrease stress, you increase your immune system.
- It can lower blood sugar. Lower blood sugar boosts your mood.
- It improves your quality of life. Laughter truly helps you see the world differently.
Love. Live. Laughter.
So, I ask again – Do you laugh at yourself?
I promise that humor strengthens your relationship with your partner. If you laugh jokingly and mutually (that’s key), then you won’t take yourself so seriously and you will be more tolerant. Humor and laughter are part of what brings harmony and aliveness to our relationships.
by Carolynn Aristone | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond? Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you. We all wear multiple hats.
Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention. Trust me; I get it. Life demands a lot from you. But, are you too busy?
The Power of Choice
When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?” I know, you’re puzzled by this question.
Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.
I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.
Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices. We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.
You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness. Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.
So, the question is – Are you too busy? If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop. Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end. You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.
Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out. Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.
Asked yourself these three questions:
- Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?
Mindfulness is about paying attention. When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle. If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”
- Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?
If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value. You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth. There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing. (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)
I want you to think about where that comes from for you. How is busyness tied up in your self-worth? And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?
- Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?
Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules. I call this the “shoulds.” I should do this, or I should do that. I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event. It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.
We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”. In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.
Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live. Ask yourself, Am I too busy? If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need. Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.
A wise person knows their limits. Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty. Busyness robs you of fulfillment. The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life. You have a say in how you live. Now, go live your best life!
Love. Live. Better
At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better! We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better? Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better. Life is more manageable. You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.
Let’s make love the primary focus. When we do that, we all know that we are living better.
by Carolynn Aristone | Feb 12, 2018 | General, Holidays, Love, Mindfulness, Relationships, Valentine's Day
What keeps long-term relationships alive? Novelty. New experiences. Stepping outside of your typical box. This does not require expensive gifts! Let love and affection lead your celebration of romance this Valentine’s Day.
Some of the ideas below are not rocket science. But I guarantee you probably don’t do them. Why? Because they are stupid-simple. We tend to over-do, over buy, over think Valentine’s Day.
Remember, this day is not about expensive gifts. It’s about thoughtfulness, consideration, love, affection, and attention towards the one you love.
Below you will find 21 ideas on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day without spending lots of money. Remember, meaning and thoughtfulness go much farther than lavish gifts. Here’s what you can do for the one that you love:
21 Ideas On How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
- Make breakfast in bed
- Retell the story of when you first met, highlighting what made them “the one” for you
- Make a list of all the ways their presence in your life makes your life better and share it with them
- Begin and end your day with a one minute, heartfelt hug
- Send a love letter through snail mail
- Turn on music, grab your partner and dance in your kitchen
- Frame your favorite picture of them (just your partner, not a couple’s picture) and tell them why you love that one
- Frame a favorite picture of the two of you
- Hide little candy hearts in different places so that your partner finds them throughout the day
- Reminisce about your wedding day and tell your partner the one memory you have of them that you love from that day
- Give your partner a head to toe massage
- Make a homemade Valentine’s Day card
- Try to cook a fancy dinner together
- Feed your partner a favorite dessert (it’s okay to laugh throughout, in fact, I encourage it)
- Leave a card on their car windshield so that it greets them in the morning
- Surprise them with a bubble bath, just for them, with candles and champagne
- Bake a cake together
- Make a music playlist (their favorites, romantic songs, pick your theme)
- Turn off technology for the night or for a weekend, play games instead or turn in early and spend time having pillow talk
- Send an affectionate text several times that day with kissy face emoji’s and hearts
- Rent or stream their favorite movie, one you know they can watch over and over again (key: watch it with them!)
As you can see, it doesn’t take much to bring a little fun into your Valentine’s Day. If you can’t swing these things on a weekday, table your celebration for the weekend and tell them how much you look forward to that time together.
Sweet little somethings. Creative. Fun. Easy. Thoughtful. Loving.
