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Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

by | Jul 5, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

 

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum.  In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things.  If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple.  Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes.  Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work.  My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers.  You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents.  And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality.  It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within.  Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.  

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected.  You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being.  But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you.  It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect.  Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

  1. The couple feels stressed out by life
  2. One partner wants more sex than the other
  3. One or both partners have had affairs
  4. The couple struggles with parenting challenges
  5. The couple holds different marital expectations
  6. One partner is depressed or anxious
  7. One partner is a functional alcoholic
  8. One or both partners have body image issues
  9. One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
  10. One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is.  As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them.  Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work.  As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better.  At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun! 

The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

by | Jun 20, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

Are you living in a sexless marriage?  Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about.  You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services.  This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships.  In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.  

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

  1. First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
  2. Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life.  You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
  3. Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down.  This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple.  Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second.  I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body.  You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low?  You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

  • Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
  • Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
  • Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
  • Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
  • Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
  • Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage.  You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it!  Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being.  I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

by | Nov 1, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability

How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

Do you fear that your past shows up in your current relationship?

Maybe statements like: “I don’t know how to trust, it’s not safe”, “I don’t know when to reach out, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone”, or perhaps “I don’t dwell on how I feel, it’s easier to just move on” are all too familiar for you or your partner.

Oftentimes, we latch on to thoughts of being flawed or not good enough or unworthy of love when trauma was a part of our childhood. If relationships are a source of fear, then absent, insecure or disorganized attachments leave a person feeling helpless or alone. The mind finds a way to cope. But sometimes, coping does not lead to healing and your trauma can creep into adult relationships.

Even if the person can’t name the aftereffects, they feel them. Whether it’s feeling like a lifelong victim, acting passive-aggressively when upset, retreating into passivity during conflict, or creating an inauthentic version of yourself – there are many ways childhood trauma affects adults in a relationship. It can also feel difficult to support someone with trauma, especially in a partnership.

Survivors of childhood trauma deserve love and security in a relationship. Forming a healthy relationship can be full of missteps and confusion, but fostering intimacy can be full of healing and growth. Let’s discuss how we can better understand the impact of trauma and help partners love and live better.

Seeing Childhood Trauma

Whether you or your partner has experienced trauma, the most important thing to remember is that (just like anyone) they want to be seen, heard, and understood. It starts with seeing the effects of trauma on your relationship. Do you and your partner experience:

  1. Disagreements fueled by emotions?
  2. Reactions heightened by common relationship issues?
  3. Aversions to conflict making talking through issues difficult?
  4. Assumptions that one person is against the other?
  5. Doubts about a partner’s love or faithfulness that linger?
  6. Issues accepting love, despite repeated reassurance?

Unhealed trauma is a deep wound and dynamic force in any partnership, which can amplify emotions and escalate issues. Whether it is you or your partner who has experienced childhood trauma, the language you use in conversation is critical to healing and growth in your relationship.

Talking Childhood Trauma

Building a stronger connection, healthier bond, and more intimate relationship requires a lot of communication. Talking about childhood trauma can be difficult and there are times when your current relationship will trigger those same fears. Learning how to navigate the conversation helps couples stay calm and collected as their understanding of trauma heals and grows their partnership. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Self-observation can slow down escalating emotions
  2. Mindfulness can raise awareness and identify triggers for each of you
  3. Phrasing can help you both stay grounded in the present

If during a conversation, something that is said or heard triggers an unwanted response or reaction then try redirecting the dialogue. You can use phrases like:

  1. “I wonder if we can slow this down or if we are heading into old territory”
  2. “It seems like we’re getting triggered. Can we figure out what’s going on with us?”
  3. “I’m thinking this could be something we should talk about in therapy.”

Healing childhood trauma is like healing a deep wound. It takes careful, hard work especially in an adult relationship. However, it is possible to replace old ways of being over time. And, finding a therapist who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, can be the next step to repairing old traumas.

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

Oprah recently did a report on 60 Minutes that discusses how trauma plays a role in childhood development and what new methods are being used to help people who have experienced it. The piece has been life-changing for many. You can watch it here.

So, the question is, how does childhood trauma affect adult relationships? It affects how we see, hear, and understand each other. In an intimate relationship, the triggers are bigger and the stakes are higher. Couples must do the work to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood in their partnership (especially when trauma is at work).

If you walk away learning one thing, walk away seeing, hearing, and understanding the difference between “What is wrong with you?” and “What happened to you?” The difference here in how you perceive and receive your partner is subtle but profound. The first question looks to fix the trauma with blaming language while the second question looks to comprehend their trauma with safe language.

Everyone deserves to love and live better. Whether you or your partner has survived childhood trauma, you can decide to work together to heal and grow in your relationship. The more we understand about childhood trauma, the more we foster intimacy in adult relationships.

How to Receive a Compliment

by | Oct 21, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability

Does your partner struggle to receive a compliment?  

Do you struggle with accepting them?  

Do you dismiss compliments?  

When you allow yourself to take a compliment in and integrate it into your being, you participate in intimacy.

A personal share… A couple of years ago, I was part of a mentoring group that gave me tremendous, unwavering support. But when a new opportunity arose for me, I made the decision to leave the group.  

During our last meeting together, our lead mentor asked everyone to share what they appreciated about me and my contribution to the group.  I didn’t know this was going to happen. I received one compliment after another. Even though I made the decision to leave the group, I felt a huge wave of emotions during this exercise.

I took many deep breaths as I kept my feet grounded to the floor. With each inhalation, I allowed myself to take their compliments into my whole being. Feeling my breath in my body and feet on the floor helped me to stay grounded in what felt like an exercise of intimacy.  

My question to you is…

Do you allow yourself to stay present and take those moments in?  

Or, do you dismiss compliments and miss opportunities for deeper intimacy?  

Let’s discuss how to receive a compliment so you can stay grounded, present, and intimate with the one you love.

Dismissing Compliments

If you and your partner dismiss each other’s compliments, then you are dismissing intimate moments.  What does dismissal look like? It looks different for everyone and every relationship. Here are just a few examples of how your discomfort might show up:

  1. Laughing your way out of the compliment (using humor to deflect away from the compliment)
  2. Countering with another compliment (deflecting away from the self and onto your partner)
  3. Stopping the compliment from happening (totally blocking intimacy)  

When you do not know how to receive a compliment with ease and comfort, then your partner’s powerful acknowledgements have nowhere to land. If this describes you or your partner, then let’s talk about why. What are some of the reasons for dismissing compliments?

The Reasons Why

Intimacy starts with you and compliments are intimate. Consider how your personal history affects how you receive compliments. Do these apply?

  1. Self-esteem – When don’t feel good about yourself on the inside and someone offers you a compliment, the words don’t match how you see yourself. It’s difficult to take the beautiful words in if you don’t believe them yourself.
  2. Family of Origin – How did your family acknowledge each other? Were compliments encouraged or discouraged? Did your parents praise each other? As products of our environments, we often carry on the culture and traditions of our families of origin.
  3. Expectations – If someone “sees” you and expresses this through a compliment, then they may expect more from you. This may exceed how you see yourself. It may feel easier to dismiss their compliment than to fulfill what you imagine their expectation to be.

What’s true in almost any of these moments is this: Compliments are a practice in exposure, intimacy, and vulnerability. We all want to be recognized, to feel significant to someone else. That experience can feel welcome and simultaneously, overwhelming.

How to Receive a Compliment

You need to own your awesomeness! Remember, it all starts with you. It’s hard to give unto others if you yourself struggle to receive. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

  1. What do you feel good about?  

Implement a ritual of self-acknowledgment. Review your day daily. Ask yourself what you feel good about that day. Maybe you made it to the gym or made a good food choice or went the extra mile at work. Think about your accomplishments and feel good about yourself.  

2. What can you compliment in others?

Be generous in your recognition of others. Make your compliments authentic. If you are able to give genuine compliments to someone else, then it reinforces for you that compliments can be authentic acknowledgments of appreciation. This helps when you are on the receiving end.

3. How do you receive a compliment?

Work on being generous with yourself and generous with offering compliments to others. This practice will strengthen your ability to receive acknowledgment from others. Compliments will finally have a place to “land” within you because compliments, both giving and receiving, will feel familiar.

It starts with acknowledging yourself, so others can acknowledge you, too. If you see the good in yourself, then the ones you love can recognize the good in you, too. Learning how to receive a compliment is a powerful experience. You deserve to give and receive the good in your life.

10 Day Intimacy Challenge for couples to build intimacy in their relationship

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