How Society Shapes Your Sex Life

by Carolynn Aristone | Jul 28, 2023 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Society and Your Sex Life

Society and it’s social norms strongly shape your sex life. As a child and adolescent, you absorbed messages from your family, friends, school system, neighbors, community, place of worship, politics, movies, books, magazines, social media and anywhere you were exposed to someone else’s ideas.

You were, and are like a sponge. As a kid, you didn’t yet have the full capacity to decide what messages to keep or which to discard. Unbeknownst to you, you took them all in, like a sponge absorbs liquid.

This includes any messages that you got about sex.

Males receive a specific set of stories that become beliefs. These stories create expectations of men when it comes to sex. Females receive a different set of stories that create an entirely different set of sexual beliefs and expectations for women.

I’d bet that no one ever asked you, as an emerging sexual person, what your ideas, questions or curiosities were about sex. Instead, you had to rely on these stories or scripts as your go-to guidelines about sex.

This article focuses on some of the most common sexual scripts that females grow up with, along with some sprinkles of scripting for males. Taken from the book For Each Other, Sharing Sexual Intimacy, written by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., the scripts below seem to resonate with many clients in my practice, of all genders.

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Take a moment to read through the scripts below. Consider which ones might apply to you. While these may seem like they apply to cisgender, heterosexual couples, society’s gender norms and sexual scripts influence everyone’s sexual blueprint, no matter how you identify or who you engage with. If you grew up with even a small measure of exposure to these scripts, they travel with you into the bedroom, regardless of orientation or gender identity.

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

In this script, sexual purity and innocence is valued over sexual pleasure. Females learn to downplay any interest or desire for sex. Any female seeking sexual pleasure is deemed as selfish. She’s not supposed to like sex, at least not in an obvious way. Instead, she should stay focused on helping others.

Daughters are taught “not to go down that path” or receive no education from their parents at all, leaving them to rely on other means to obtain a sex education. She learns that if she becomes pregnant out of wedlock, “she deserved it” or is being “used”.

This results in sexual suppression. The female grows into a mature adult, unable to access her own sexual pleasure. She struggles to feel healthy and confident in her sexual exchanges or feels guilty and morally wrong talking about sex or engaging in it.

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad

Females grow up confused about sex due to the mixed messages they receive from others.

On the one hand, they’re taught that sex is “dirty”. On the other hand, they’re told, “But save it for someone you love”. Why would anyone want to save something dirty for someone they love?

Encouraging virginity, females learn that their genitals are dirty and disgusting, especially once menstruation begins, but to “keep their genitals pure because it’s the greatest gift that you can give your spouse on your honeymoon”.

This script values landing a “mate”. In order to land a mate, females walk a fine line between being attractive, flirtatious and seductive enough but not to the point of becoming pregnant.

This results in a bodily detachment and walking a sexual tightrope. Instead of being in her body during sex, she’s mentally assessing what she should or shouldn’t be doing, or whether or not she is dirty.

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

During infancy and early childhood, children naturally explore their genitals. In this script, females are taught not to look at their genitals or even touch them.

Females experience a negative relationship with their bodies from an early age since body exploration is often punished. It leaves many females feeling concerned that they might look bad, smell bad or taste bad.

As a result, females struggle to relax, let go and enjoy oral pleasure. They also fall behind men in developing a healthy masturbatory practice due to the “sinful” nature of the act. Sex then tends to bring more shame and guilt than pleasure.

In contrast, males are praised during early childhood for learning how to hold their penis properly during urination. While they may or may not be encouraged to masturbate, it is expected that they will do so.

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men

In this script, unmarried women who have sex are used and married women who have sex only do it out of duty. Again, female sexual pleasure remains absent from the script.

As a result, women never develop their own sense of sexual agency. They remain uncomfortable with sexual assertiveness around their wants, needs and desires. Women default to sexual participation as an act for their partner, not for themselves.

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Influenced by the movies, books and pornography, this script sets both men and women up to feel pressured into having unrealistic sex.

Males grow up believing that females want a perfect lover, who gives her sex hard and fast, with long lasting erections. Females also submit to performance, believing that sex should continuously build in intensity, resulting in mutual orgasms.

As a result, partners stay focused on the goal of orgasms and fake “hot” sex, and minimize or ignore moments of real intimacy. They override the natural waxing and waning of various sexual feelings that can arise during the exchange. The intimacy is lost.

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Romance novels can set females up to believe that candlelight dinners will help them achieve orgasms. While candlelight dinners can be nice, it’s not a replacement for assertion, sexual communication and knowing how to experience real bodily pleasure.

This results in females leaving the sexual initiation to their partners. They do not talk about sex or what they long for, and follow, instead of lead, in their sexual exchanges, in an attempt to selflessly please their partner, just like in the novel.

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

In this script, males are expected to be all-knowing sexual partners, able to anticipate his partner’s every need and to completely satisfy all desires.

Most men receive little to no education on how to be a good lover, yet he is expected to perform well. If he asks for guidance, he could be viewed as less masculine, or inadequate.

His partner, in turn, may not make corrections or redirects, out of fear of injuring his ego or threatening his masculinity.

This powerful script keeps many couples stuck in less than satisfying sex lives.

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

It’s extraordinary to me that so many couples have sex, yet so few actually talk about sex. Women in particular aren’t given the permission to freely engage in sexual conversation. Instead, women tend to feel embarrassed and awkward, unable to find the language that can help them get their sexual needs met.

Fearing labels of being too “demanding” or “bitchy”, women learn to stay quiet. Yet research shows that women who speak up, state their preferences and who assert, have considerably more satisfying sexual experiences.

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Males and females tend to identify “real sex” as penetration or sexual intercourse and all other acts as less than. Females grow up engaging in “everything else”. They can spend hours in various sexual acts but those acts won’t count in the way penetration would. Typically, once intercourse occurs, all other acts become abbreviated.

Yet, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Over the lifespan, men can struggle with sustaining erections.

This script leads to a less than satisfying sex life for the female partner, and/or, sexual pressure for a male partner to perform.

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way”

This script requires sex to result in an orgasm yet most women don’t orgasm during penetration

Lonnie Barbach notes that “We let the man’s erection designate the beginning of sex and his ejaculation mark its termination”.

If the male partner wants his female partner to orgasm first, there is often pressure felt by the female partner to orgasm in a certain amount of time and not “take too long”.

The emphasis on orgasm as the ultimate marker of good sex limits each partner’s ability to be in the pleasure of the journey. It supports sex as a goal-oriented experience and not a pleasure oriented experience, robbing both partners of a free flowing, organic, pleasurable exchange.

Conclusion

You may resonate with just one of these scripts, or parts of all of them. These stories run in the background of your sexual engagement, quietly influencing your ability to feel pleasure.

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that sit in your story, grab a pen and paper and consider writing a new script. When it comes to sex, what matters to you most? How would you like to feel? What stories would you want to let go of? What would bring you pleasure?

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriage
#relationshipgoals

5 Reasons Women Do Not Want Sex

by Carolynn Aristone | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Society and Your Sex Life

Society and it’s social norms strongly shape your sex life. As a child and adolescent, you absorbed messages from your family, friends, school system, neighbors, community, place of worship, politics, movies, books, magazines, social media and anywhere you were exposed to someone else’s ideas.

You were, and are like a sponge. As a kid, you didn’t yet have the full capacity to decide what messages to keep or which to discard. Unbeknownst to you, you took them all in, like a sponge absorbs liquid.

This includes any messages that you got about sex.

Males receive a specific set of stories that become beliefs. These stories create expectations of men when it comes to sex. Females receive a different set of stories that create an entirely different set of sexual beliefs and expectations for women.

I’d bet that no one ever asked you, as an emerging sexual person, what your ideas, questions or curiosities were about sex. Instead, you had to rely on these stories or scripts as your go-to guidelines about sex.

This article focuses on some of the most common sexual scripts that females grow up with, along with some sprinkles of scripting for males. Taken from the book For Each Other, Sharing Sexual Intimacy, written by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., the scripts below seem to resonate with many clients in my practice, of all genders.

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Take a moment to read through the scripts below. Consider which ones might apply to you. While these may seem like they apply to cisgender, heterosexual couples, society’s gender norms and sexual scripts influence everyone’s sexual blueprint, no matter how you identify or who you engage with. If you grew up with even a small measure of exposure to these scripts, they travel with you into the bedroom, regardless of orientation or gender identity.

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

In this script, sexual purity and innocence is valued over sexual pleasure. Females learn to downplay any interest or desire for sex. Any female seeking sexual pleasure is deemed as selfish. She’s not supposed to like sex, at least not in an obvious way. Instead, she should stay focused on helping others.

Daughters are taught “not to go down that path” or receive no education from their parents at all, leaving them to rely on other means to obtain a sex education. She learns that if she becomes pregnant out of wedlock, “she deserved it” or is being “used”.

This results in sexual suppression. The female grows into a mature adult, unable to access her own sexual pleasure. She struggles to feel healthy and confident in her sexual exchanges or feels guilty and morally wrong talking about sex or engaging in it.

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad

Females grow up confused about sex due to the mixed messages they receive from others.

On the one hand, they’re taught that sex is “dirty”. On the other hand, they’re told, “But save it for someone you love”. Why would anyone want to save something dirty for someone they love?

Encouraging virginity, females learn that their genitals are dirty and disgusting, especially once menstruation begins, but to “keep their genitals pure because it’s the greatest gift that you can give your spouse on your honeymoon”.

This script values landing a “mate”. In order to land a mate, females walk a fine line between being attractive, flirtatious and seductive enough but not to the point of becoming pregnant.

This results in a bodily detachment and walking a sexual tightrope. Instead of being in her body during sex, she’s mentally assessing what she should or shouldn’t be doing, or whether or not she is dirty.

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

During infancy and early childhood, children naturally explore their genitals. In this script, females are taught not to look at their genitals or even touch them.

Females experience a negative relationship with their bodies from an early age since body exploration is often punished. It leaves many females feeling concerned that they might look bad, smell bad or taste bad.

As a result, females struggle to relax, let go and enjoy oral pleasure. They also fall behind men in developing a healthy masturbatory practice due to the “sinful” nature of the act. Sex then tends to bring more shame and guilt than pleasure.

In contrast, males are praised during early childhood for learning how to hold their penis properly during urination. While they may or may not be encouraged to masturbate, it is expected that they will do so.

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men

In this script, unmarried women who have sex are used and married women who have sex only do it out of duty. Again, female sexual pleasure remains absent from the script.

As a result, women never develop their own sense of sexual agency. They remain uncomfortable with sexual assertiveness around their wants, needs and desires. Women default to sexual participation as an act for their partner, not for themselves.

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Influenced by the movies, books and pornography, this script sets both men and women up to feel pressured into having unrealistic sex.

Males grow up believing that females want a perfect lover, who gives her sex hard and fast, with long lasting erections. Females also submit to performance, believing that sex should continuously build in intensity, resulting in mutual orgasms.

As a result, partners stay focused on the goal of orgasms and fake “hot” sex, and minimize or ignore moments of real intimacy. They override the natural waxing and waning of various sexual feelings that can arise during the exchange. The intimacy is lost.

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Romance novels can set females up to believe that candlelight dinners will help them achieve orgasms. While candlelight dinners can be nice, it’s not a replacement for assertion, sexual communication and knowing how to experience real bodily pleasure.

This results in females leaving the sexual initiation to their partners. They do not talk about sex or what they long for, and follow, instead of lead, in their sexual exchanges, in an attempt to selflessly please their partner, just like in the novel.

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

In this script, males are expected to be all-knowing sexual partners, able to anticipate his partner’s every need and to completely satisfy all desires.

Most men receive little to no education on how to be a good lover, yet he is expected to perform well. If he asks for guidance, he could be viewed as less masculine, or inadequate.

His partner, in turn, may not make corrections or redirects, out of fear of injuring his ego or threatening his masculinity.

This powerful script keeps many couples stuck in less than satisfying sex lives.

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

It’s extraordinary to me that so many couples have sex, yet so few actually talk about sex. Women in particular aren’t given the permission to freely engage in sexual conversation. Instead, women tend to feel embarrassed and awkward, unable to find the language that can help them get their sexual needs met.

Fearing labels of being too “demanding” or “bitchy”, women learn to stay quiet. Yet research shows that women who speak up, state their preferences and who assert, have considerably more satisfying sexual experiences.

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Males and females tend to identify “real sex” as penetration or sexual intercourse and all other acts as less than. Females grow up engaging in “everything else”. They can spend hours in various sexual acts but those acts won’t count in the way penetration would. Typically, once intercourse occurs, all other acts become abbreviated.

Yet, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Over the lifespan, men can struggle with sustaining erections.

This script leads to a less than satisfying sex life for the female partner, and/or, sexual pressure for a male partner to perform.

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way”

This script requires sex to result in an orgasm yet most women don’t orgasm during penetration

Lonnie Barbach notes that “We let the man’s erection designate the beginning of sex and his ejaculation mark its termination”.

If the male partner wants his female partner to orgasm first, there is often pressure felt by the female partner to orgasm in a certain amount of time and not “take too long”.

The emphasis on orgasm as the ultimate marker of good sex limits each partner’s ability to be in the pleasure of the journey. It supports sex as a goal-oriented experience and not a pleasure oriented experience, robbing both partners of a free flowing, organic, pleasurable exchange.

Conclusion

You may resonate with just one of these scripts, or parts of all of them. These stories run in the background of your sexual engagement, quietly influencing your ability to feel pleasure.

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that sit in your story, grab a pen and paper and consider writing a new script. When it comes to sex, what matters to you most? How would you like to feel? What stories would you want to let go of? What would bring you pleasure?

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriage
#relationshipgoals

What Happens in Sex Therapy?

by Carolynn Aristone | Apr 17, 2023 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Feeling ambivalent about sex therapy?

When a couple comes in for sex therapy, I can feel their combined energy of eagerness and hesitation. On the one hand, you’ve finally decided to get help for a sexual concern. You did your research to find a qualified therapist, scheduled the appointment, and have arrived at your first session.

Time to find solutions, right?

On the other hand, your sex life is often a private topic. You’re meeting with a stranger. You’re about to talk about deeply personal issues. “Putting it all out there” can feel uncomfortable, risky, and difficult. You may not want to hurt your partner’s feelings or perhaps you don’t want to be seen as “the problem” partner.

In the early stages of sex therapy, I like to focus on building a relationship with the couple and with each partner individually. Sure, I ask questions about your sex life, but I also step beyond that to learn about you as a whole person. Our conversations touch on a wide variety of life experiences, not just sex.

Why? Sex doesn’t sit in a vacuum by itself. Many of your life experiences influence your sexual expression or lack of expression. All of your life domains intersect and influence each other.

What Do We Talk About First?

Within the first four or five sessions, we typically cover an overview of your current relationship story, including a full relationship history to help clarify how you’ve arrived at where you are today.

We also talk about your career, parenting (if applicable), your medical history, mental health struggles, stress management and how you handle your emotions, the family you grew up with, physical health, traumas, losses, adjustments, and of course, your sex life.

The Early Sessions

When we focus on your sex life, we’ll explore the quality and frequency of sex, any dysfunctions, anxieties, worries or pain associated with sex, along with your history of sexual desire, arousal, and pleasure. We’ll explore when in life you feel most relaxed and how you feel when you take time to focus on your body.

Some of this conversation happens within a couples therapy format. I also schedule a few individual sessions with each person to help me connect with each partner separately and apart from the context of the relationship.

Ultimately, while one partner may become the designated “patient”, the relationship as a whole is my client. Any suggestions or feedback that I offer, even when it’s directed toward one partner or the other, is in support of creating a healthy, vibrant relationship.

Laying the Groundwork for Deeper Conversations

While you may want to jump right in to find quick solutions to your problems, sex therapy doesn’t typically unfold that way.

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., couples will sit with their problem for an average of five years before they decide to reach out for help through couples therapy. While I don’t have the research on how long it takes couples to reach out specifically for sex therapy, I imagine it would be even longer due to the sensitivity of the topic.

Since the problems don’t typically just arrive overnight but build over time, the process of healing or finding resolve takes at least 10 sessions to feel a shift. Even if a breakthrough happens quickly, sustaining sexual health and wellness takes time and repeated practice.

Creating the Right Pace

Since most couples experience both an eagerness and a hesitation to resolve their sexual issues, the pace of the work matters. Move too fast, and it will overwhelm you. Move too slowly, and you’ll feel like you’re not making progress. A good, productive sex therapy experience requires us to find the sweet spot that generates progress but also feels manageable.

Important Questions in Sex Therapy

Early on, I love to explore what may seem like “basic” questions/answers about sex with couples. These questions often give couples pause because they’re the types of questions most folks don’t really think about when it comes to sex.

The first question is: What is sex?

Seems obvious, I know. But seriously, when you say, “We had sex” or “We’re not having sex,” what exactly are you referring to? Think about how you might answer that question before reading further.

Most heterosexual, cisgender couples say that sex is intercourse.

Then I ask, does that include orgasm?

Most people say yes.

Then I ask, for both partners? One partner? If the other partner didn’t orgasm during intercourse, did sex happen?

Now the conversation gets more interesting. The pause and the uncertainty set in.

These questions open up an interesting conversation about sex, how you define it, what qualifies as sex, and how that definition shapes your sexual desire and experience.

My Favorite Follow-Up Question in Sex Therapy

After we explore what sex is, how each partner defines it, and consider how their definitions influence each partner’s desire for sex, we then deepen the conversation.

My follow-up question is: Why do you have sex?

Again, this may seem obvious, but I guarantee that most people have never actually thought about it. Most partners default into the action of having sex (according to their definition) without considering why they do it.

Some answers might include:

Because it feels good
For closeness
For a release
Because I’m supposed to

Why do people, in general, have sex?

Then we look beyond the couple’s reason, and I’ll ask: Why do people, in general, have sex? What are the many reasons someone might have sex?

Some couples will list the very same reasons as their own and not move beyond that. In that case, I help them out by offering some ideas. Other couples may add reasons for having sex that go beyond their own motives.

Some of these can include:

Stress relief
For fun
To feel powerful
To feel desired

I might add some additional ideas, such as:

For revenge
To feel loved
To feel attractive
For spiritual enlightenment
For money
To feel valuable
To manipulate
For comfort
Out of boredom

This exercise helps couples learn and understand that sex with another person is a complex experience. It has many sides, outcomes, and functions. One partner’s definition of sex may not match the other’s. One partner’s “why” may be different from their beloved’s.

When Your Sexual Motives Differ

If one partner uses sex as a stress release, but the other partner uses sex to feel connected, the mismatched energy and motive is felt. The partner who uses sex as a stress release may not be very focused on making the kind of connection their partner wants. This difference can shut sex down completely in a relationship.

In sex therapy, the solution is not a matter of finding a way to “just do it”. Sex is an existential experience. Meaning-making is an important part of the work to help create healthy, consensual sexual expression and engagement.

Setting the Stage for Deeper Work

These preliminary conversations create a backdrop for you to explore your own motives, values, and reasons for wanting or not wanting sex.

It creates the foundation to address longstanding concerns such as sexual desire differences, sex after having a baby, sex after a diagnosis, performance issues, or sexual pain.

As sex therapy unfolds over several weeks, I’ll often refer back to your “what” and “why”. These ideas may evolve as therapy progresses, with their “what” and “why” changing.

Your sex life is not a static experience. It’s dynamic and changes over the relationship lifespan. That means that your “what,” and your “why” needs to have some flexibility to support change, as well as room to grow.

In Summary

These seemingly “basic” conversations create a gentle entry into the private lives of a couple’s sex life. It helps establish a safe environment to explore the complex and nuanced topic of sex.

The work focuses on a combination of therapeutic conversations, sexual re-education, sexual communication practices, healing of erotic wounds, and exercises for home practice. This combination focuses specifically on the couple’s unique goals.

Over time, the hesitation that once accompanied the eagerness lessens as the couple begins to develop a richer understanding of their sexual selves and their sexual relationship.

They typically gain confidence in themselves as sexual beings and clarity in their sexual and relational needs. They strengthen sexual communication and find a way to honor each other and the relationship as a whole.

Hashtags:

#communication
#connection
#marriagecounseling
#couplestherapy
#sextherapy
#sextherapist
#lowlibido
#intimacy
#carolynnaristone
#myintimaterelationship
#intimacyinsiders
#relationshipcounseling
#relationships
#marriagegoals

Understanding Partner Differences

by Carolynn Aristone | Nov 29, 2021 | Blog, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy

Understanding Partner Differences

Something happens to us in early courtship.

Flooded with hormones, we see our partner through a blind set of eyes. They can do no wrong. They light us up from within. They’re everything we’ve ever wanted. “Soulmates”.

We tend to see ourselves in our partner. Sometimes, they bear the characteristics that we aspire towards. Other times, they seem like a mirror image of us. What better experience than to partner with ourselves for life?

In some relationships, partners never seem to have conflict. They’ll say “we don’t fight” and seem to agree all the time.

That type of union makes it difficult for partners to evolve. It can also lead to something called enmeshment, where each partner seems to blend into the other with no distinct “I”.

Other couples confront a different reality. They “suddenly” discover that one partner seems polar opposite to the other. This can wreak havoc on a couple’s self-concept. Partners wonder how they EVER got together to begin with. What were they each thinking?

Welcome to the world of differentiation.

Some couples fail to achieve it. Other couples struggle to accept it.

What is healthy differentiation and why do we need it for healthy love?

What is Healthy Differentiation?

In 1997, Dr. David Schnarch wrote a groundbreaking book called Passionate Marriage in which he claims that differentiation is essential for healthy relationships.

By his definition, “differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love ”.

He adds that differentiation is essential to reducing blame, repairing conflict, tolerating intimacy and creating a hot, loving sex life.

For relationships to be healthy, it requires you to attend to your individuality as you move through the world in a state of togetherness. It means being two distinct people attempting to create an interdependent relationship.

Why is Differentiation Important?

When partners can clearly and distinctly define themselves while in partnership, they create a more honest, transparent, authentic relationship. No masks. No facades. This in turn helps eliminate relationship habits that can become toxic, such as the expectation for mindreading, wrong assumptions and chronic resentment.

When couples can achieve this, it gives them an extraordinary gift; for each partner to love and to be loved, exactly for who they are.

Differentiation and Intimacy

Dr. Schnarch identifies different types of intimacy. Consider which type of intimacy you might practice in your own relationship. We’ll use Dr. Scharch’s language.

According to Scharch, you engage in other-validated intimacy if you expect that your partner will accept you, empathize, validate you and reciprocate disclosure after you’ve shared something personal about yourself. Your self-worth depends on the reaction of your partner.

Self-validated intimacy is when you can disclose your thoughts and feelings while maintaining your own self-worth, regardless of how your partner responds. You hold no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity for what you’ve shared.

Would acceptance and reciprocity be “nice”? Maybe. Unfortunately, “nice” can keep a relationship flat, dull and static.

He argues that intimacy can occur in the latter form, even if the disclosure isn’t accepted, validated or empathized with; even if only one partner discloses. Self-validated intimacy requires you to support yourself while letting yourself be known to your partner. It reduces unhealthy dependency and enmeshment.

Let’s just sit with that for a moment. What you just read may feel counter to everything you thought you knew about relationships.

Intimacy and Vulnerability

Differentiation requires vulnerability tolerance. As a couple’s and sex therapy practice, my team and I frequently use that term when referring to the work we do with our clients.

No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. Most would describe the experience as feeling naked, exposed and unprotected from harm. Yet vulnerability is an experience partners need to step into from time to time to establish real intimacy.

One of my favorite quotes on intimacy and vulnerability is from Dr. Schnarch. He says:

“I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want to know you love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever going to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.”

Self-disclosure and tolerance for vulnerability become easier when our sense of worth becomes less dependent on our partner’s moods and reactions.

The more we can reveal of ourselves, the more interesting our relationships become. We increase the possibility of making real contact, real authentic connection with our partners.

This achievement allows couples to retain a sense of intimacy even when in conflict. It permits partners to have differences of opinion, to have a voice, to express themselves.

Integrating Healthy Differentiation into Your Relationship

If you’re not sure what all of this means for you, let me simplify it: establishing an intimate connection with your partner starts with having a strong, healthy connection with yourself.

If you allow your self-worth to hinge on the words and actions of others, you have not yet learned how to support yourself or possibly love yourself. It’s difficult to give and receive love with another person if you haven’t yet learned how to fully accept and love who you are.

Even folks who appear to be fiercely independent may struggle to genuinely connect with anyone else because underneath their outward presentation, sits fragility.

Consider a radical act of self-confrontation. Focus on yourself and not on your partner. Ask yourself if you can metaphorically stand up on your own two feet. Can you hold yourself up? Can you hold yourself up in more vulnerable situations with your partner? Can your partner do the same? How well do you tolerate your partner’s differences? How much room is there for difference within the partnership?

How might differentiation help you become a healthier, more enlivened couple?

Sensate Focus for Better Sex

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 27, 2021 | Blog, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus

In couples and sex therapy, one of the best suggestions I give some couples who struggle with sex is to not have sex. Seems counterintuitive, right?

After all, how are couples supposed to work on their sex life or create better sex if they stop having it?

I suggest abstaining as a temporary measure. It helps alleviate the pressure of sex. Think about it. When sex isn’t happening or if it’s happening awkwardly, it can occupy a lot of your mental space and emotional energy.

If you’re the seeker, you might constantly look for sexual signs or windows of opportunity, the right way to approach your partner without annoying them, or to get a “yes”.

If you’re the avoidant partner, you might wonder “what’s wrong with me?”, seek ways to discourage physical contact or feel anxious about whether your partner will ask again tonight.

Loss of libido, a sense of rejection, different levels of sexual desire, sexual dysfunction or different sexual needs can make you feel mentally and emotionally consumed, put stress on your relationship and an unconscious pressure on both of you.

When I suggest abstention, it alleviates that pressure. There’s no more figuring out what to do. As you adjust to this new arrangement, I slowly introduce new, evidence-based ways for you to physically re-engage that likely carry far better results.

The Impact of Your Troubled Sex Life

Your sex life holds its own peaks and valleys. This is normal and natural in long-term relationships. But when you have prolonged periods of time where you either can’t meet each other’s sexual needs or you stop having sex altogether, physical engagement can feel awkward and stressful.

When I ask you to take sex off the table, we make room for you to heal your erotic and emotional wounds first. Problematic sex impacts how you relate to each other. Whether you’re feeling constantly pressured or rejected, the intimacy dance between you can cause emotional injury for everyone.

Sometimes these emotional injuries shut down the avoidant partner’s sexual system. Their body learns that sex feels emotionally unsafe so, over time, their libido takes a nosedive.

Ironically, the seeking partner’s sexual system can often shut down just as the avoidant partner’s system starts to wake up! Chronic rejection inevitably leads to resentment which is a sexual turnoff.

After healing your erotic and emotional injuries in couples’ and sex therapy, you understand each other better. Mutual understanding helps you see the good in each other again. You’ll communicate more effectively and connect more.

Sometimes, this is enough to get the sexy wheels turning. But not always.

So what’s a couple to do when they reignite emotional connection but not sexual connection? I help couples reconnect physically through a step-by-step proven exercise.

A Powerful and Proven Exercise

When couples tune into and attend to their sensuality, they lay the ground for their sexuality to emerge in a powerful and connective way.

Known as a Sensate Focus exercise, it requires different levels of physical touch. It combines mindfulness and present-centered awareness with some specific steps, rules, limits.

This slow progression of touch builds a sense of safety and trust in each partner again. It also helps you break unhealthy touch habits and creates pleasurable touch experiences.

The power of sensate focus is in its ability to keep you focused on touch in a deliberate, purposeful and conscious way. This skill often gets lost in long-term love. Over the years, sex can become routine and often mindless. Sensate focus helps you break old patterns and establish new, more pleasurable ones.

Unlike traditional, goal-oriented sex, sensate focus helps you enjoy the pleasure of the sexual journey by staying tuned into your senses. After all, good, fully-embodied sex is a sensual experience.

Rules for a Successful Sensate Focus Experience

Before you embark on your sensate focus journey, there are a few rules to understand.

Rule #1: Suspend judgment

Let go of any expectations for this exercise. Treat this entirely as an experiment and stay curious as to what it produces for you without judging your experience. Learn from it.

Rule #2: Mark your calendars

Mark your calendars together. Initially allow for 30 minutes of sensate time for each recipient. Try to choose times when you can relax and rest and where you can have privacy without distractions. However, make sure to also choose a time where you will stay awake.

Rule #3: Clothing Decision

While the goal is to maximize skin-to-skin contact, clothing is optional. If you choose to wear clothes, choose your least restrictive clothing. As you move through the exercises, your clothing preferences may change. Keep your room at a comfortable temperature.

Rule #4: Focus on sensuality, not sexuality

The purpose of sensate focus is to strengthen present-centered awareness, mindfulness and sensate awareness through touch. This means that even if you get turned on, you will not act on your sexual impulses.

The Sensate Focus Exercise

Below are the steps to follow for your sensate focus exercise.

Step 1: Non-Genital Touching

Decide who will be the Toucher and who will be the Receiver.

The receiver will focus on the sensation of being touched, without judgment. They will allow the toucher to explore their body freely. The receiver should not direct the touch but will allow the toucher to have his/her own exploratory experience.

The receiver can and should communicate if the toucher creates physical discomfort for the receiver. At that point, the toucher should change the type of touch they are practicing.

The toucher will explore the receiver’s body by focusing on texture, shape and temperature. They will also explore different forms of pressure on the body.

Notice the difference between the texture of your partner’s cheeks versus their hands. Notice what it’s like to offer a quick, steccato type of touch versus touch that is elongated. Notice how touch with your full palm differs from fingertip touch.

Only touch non-genital areas. That means that breasts, penis’s, vaginas, buttocks’ and kissing are off limits!

It’s recommended that, if sexual arousal occurs, neither partner attempts to satisfy the arousal. This would shift the focus away from sensuality toward sexuality and probably keep you in your same dysfunctional touch patterns.

Be sure to change roles and reciprocate. Do not compare experiences as they will be different.

Step 2: Genital Touching

Kissing and penetration are not included here.

Even though we’re introducing genital touch, the goal is to explore each other’s bodies through touch. Allow your focus to stay on the sensation of touching and being touched.

All of the same rules apply. The toucher should stay focused on the sensory experience beneath her/his hands. Move slowly and/or quickly; move deliberately. Trace and run your fingers and hands along your partner’s body, including their genitals.

In this scenario, the receiver now has permission to put their hand over the toucher’s hand and move with them if they so choose. Do not lead the toucher. Instead, follow their movement. The receiver can practice communicating what they might want through their hand, perhaps with a gentle squeeze. The toucher can decide whether or not to abide.

It’s important that the toucher not make the genitals their sole focus. The touch should still maintain a whole-body curiosity.

Again, switch roles without comparison.

Step 3: Mutual Touching

Kissing and penetration are not included here.

With greater sensory awareness, partners can now play with mutual touch, including genitals. If you’re becoming sexual instead of sensual, simply spend less time touching the genital areas and stay focused on other parts of the body. Attune to texture, shape and temperature.

An add-on to mutual touching is exploration with your mouths. That doesn’t mean jumping into oral sex. It means exploring your partner’s whole body with your lips and tongue. It means tasting them and feeling their body from an oral sensory perspective. Remember to stay focused on your sensory experience, not your sexual experience.

Step 4: Kissing and Sensual Penetration

Following the same principles from your previous steps, you can now include touch through kissing and penetration from a sensory perspective.

Approach the experience from a sensual lens. Imagine what kissing and penetration look and feel like from a sensory experience. Notice the warmth and the wetness. Allow your fingers, hands, lips and mouth to guide you.

Begin with a non-genital focus and gradually bring the genitals into contact. Allow for genital touching and rubbing without penetration.

If both partners seek penetration, move slowly and intentionally into this form of touch. Allow yourselves to fluctuate in movement, including stillness, as penetration occurs.

Step 4 invites both partners to touch and receive, simultaneously. It’s important to stay relaxed and pleasure-focused as the body increases in it’s arousal, intensity and possible orgasm.

Some couples like to linger in each step for several dates before moving onto the next step. Take each step at your own pace, practicing mutual respect, curiosity and openness.

The Benefits of Sensate Focus

Sensate focus has so many profound benefits. In addition to helping couples slow down and tune in, it strengthens your ability to be both sensual and sexual, allowing them to overlap but without confusing the two.

Let’s face it. We live in the age of instant gratification. Got a headache? Take a pill. Feeling lonely? Hop on Facebook. Need the book now? Instantly download it to your e-reader.

Good partnered sex doesn’t work “in an instant”. It doesn’t have to be slow. But it does need to be mindful. It requires your fullest attention. It needs you to shift your focus to pleasure.

In our fast-paced world, if you’ve forgotten how to be mindful with your lover, sensate focus provides you with the path for deeper, more meaningful and satisfying sex.

What Sex Ed Didn’t Teach You About Sex

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 4, 2021 | General, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Therapy

What Sex-Ed Didn’t Teach You

Wouldn’t it be great if our parents and the systems at large helped us learn, at an early age, about how to be in a sexual relationship with someone else?

In couples and sex therapy, the majority of individuals and couples that I work with tell me that their parents never talked to them about sex when they were kids. Most bawk at the sex-ed programs held in school.

Those that received sex ed in school, learned about the anatomy of sex, puberty and STDs.

**No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another.**

Sexual feelings typically start during puberty. Yet it’s in those years that adults often turn away from the subject of sex – due to their own discomforts and inhibitions. It’s an “I don’t want to know about it, la la la” attitude that fails all of us as adolescents. Then, as adults, we wonder why the heck we feel so awkward just talking about sex, let alone engaging in it.

Healthy sexuality stretches far beyond physical anatomy and sexual diseases. It involves understanding your own sexual identity and what it means to be in a sexual relationship – whether that’s a long-term relationship or a one-night stand.

The Comlexity of a Sexual Relationship

The complexity of sexual relationships includes understanding one’s own sexual body responses, the emotional landscape that accompanies sex, attraction as dynamic, not static, how sexual desire manifests, multiple ways of achieving sexual pleasure, what stimulates or shuts down arousal, the impact of sexual rejection and so much more.

Unless you’re self-pleasuring alone, sex is a relational experience. Yes, we also have a relationship with ourselves but for the sake of this article, I’m referring to the way we relate to our sexual partners. So many folks lack the tools to navigate the “relational” part of sex.

This can manifest into such problems as not communicating clearly and directly about sex, misunderstanding partner advances or rejections, lack of sexual satisfaction, goal-oriented sex over pleasure-oriented sex, pressure to have sex when it’s not wanted, sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasm, sexual disappointment and/or sexual preferences never shared.

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships

In a healthy sexual relationship, sex is a shared, relational experience. It’s where partners can communicate fiercely through physical contact alone. Yet it’s also a space where sexual conversations are welcome. Curiosities, desires and fears are shared. Compassion and empathy are demonstrated. Vulnerability is risked, contained and honored.

As a relationship and sex therapist, I’m constantly learning new ways to help my clients deepen their understanding of themselves and each other when it comes to sex. I also help my clients foster a sex-positive mindset. I found a great, simple resource online that I’d like to share with you.

Explore Your Sexual Health

The University of Louisville has online resources in their campus health department for their students. One of the subject areas is sexual health. The site demonstrates a non-shaming approach to sex ed and helps students foster a sex-positive mindset.

One of their resources is a Sexual Health Bill of Rights. I’ve included it below.

Before reading all 16 Rights, I invite you to travel down memory lane. Try to remember yourself as a pre-teen, teenager or young adult. Think about the home you grew up in. Try to remember your early awareness about sex and your own sexuality. Who were you then? What sexual messages surrounded you?

Once you’ve conjured the memory up in your mind, take a moment to read all 16 rights below. Pause after each one. Think about how it relates to your adolescent years and adult years. Notice if the response is the same or different.

Sexual Health Bill of Rights

I have the right to own my own body.
I have a right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions and perceptions.
I have a right to trust my own values about sexual conduct.
I have a right to set my own sexual limits.
I have a right to say no.
I have a right to say yes.
I have the right to experience sexual pleasure.
I have the right to remain celibate.
I have the right to be sexually assertive.
I have the right to be the initiator in a sexual relationship.
I have the right to be in control of my sexual experiences.
I have the right to have a loving partner.
I have a right to my sexual orientation and preferences.
I have the right to have a partner who respects me, understands me and is willing to communicate with me.
I have a right to talk to my partner about incest/child abuse/rape.
I have a right to ask questions and receive sexually accurate information.

What might you add to this list that’s not already there? What’s missing that might relate to you specifically?

Sex and Your Intimate Relationship

Couples get tripped up on so many of the nuances that come along with sex. Consider how the sexual health bill of rights ties into any problem areas for you. Let’s explore a few together.

Bill of Rights #3: What does it mean to trust your own values about sexual conduct? If you’re not sure, ask yourself, “what do I value about sexual behavior?”. Do you value when your partner asks permission to touch you a certain way? Or, perhaps, you value the element of surprise? Maybe you value feeling safe. If so, what behaviors support that?

Bill of Rights #9: If you have the right to be in control of your sexual experiences, and your partner has the same right, who actually has control? Who’s in charge when it comes to sex? What does control look like behaviorally? How does control become a shared experience?

Bill of Rights #15: If you experienced sexual abuse or a sexual violation in your past, have you told your partner? Does this experience impact how you experience sex now? Do you worry what your partner would think if he/she/they knew? How would that impact your relationship?

Sex is Relational

Sex is relational but it starts with you.

Consider your own sexual story, history, identity, expression, permissions and limits. Use the Sexual Health Bill of Rights to help you explore your own sexuality. Consider who you were as a young sexually developing person and who you are now as a sexually active or inactive adult. Where are the parallels, connections, intersections?

But don’t stop there! Ask your partner to do the same. Your sexual stories, both past and present, are powerful. They help you understand who you are as a sexual being and as a sexual couple.

And…your story keeps evolving. As a couple, it’s up to you to create each new chapter. Be courageous authors! Make it epic.

Society and Your Sex Life

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way”

Conclusion

Hashtags:

Society and Your Sex Life

What’s Your Sexual Script?

Sexual Script #1: Puritanical/Victorian

Sexual Script #2: Sex is Good/Sex is Bad

Sexual Script #3: Don’t Touch Me Down There

Sexual Script #4: Sex is For Men

Sexual Script #5: Fantasy Model of Sex

Sexual Script #6: The Romance and Candlelight Script

Sexual Script #7: The Men Should Know Script

Sexual Script #8: The Woman Can’t Talk Script

Sexual Script #9: Sex Equals Intercourse

Sexual Script #10: The “One Right Way”

Conclusion

Hashtags:

Feeling ambivalent about sex therapy?

What Do We Talk About First?

The Early Sessions

Laying the Groundwork for Deeper Conversations

Creating the Right Pace

Important Questions in Sex Therapy

My Favorite Follow-Up Question in Sex Therapy

Why do people, in general, have sex?

When Your Sexual Motives Differ

Setting the Stage for Deeper Work

In Summary

Hashtags:

Understanding Partner Differences

What is Healthy Differentiation?

Why is Differentiation Important?

Differentiation and Intimacy

Intimacy and Vulnerability

One of my favorite quotes on intimacy and vulnerability is from Dr. Schnarch. He says:

Integrating Healthy Differentiation into Your Relationship

How might differentiation help you become a healthier, more enlivened couple?

Sensate Focus

The Impact of Your Troubled Sex Life

A Powerful and Proven Exercise

Rules for a Successful Sensate Focus Experience

Rule #1: Suspend judgment

Rule #2: Mark your calendars

Rule #3: Clothing Decision

Rule #4: Focus on sensuality, not sexuality

The Sensate Focus Exercise

Step 1: Non-Genital Touching

Step 2: Genital Touching

Step 3: Mutual Touching

Step 4: Kissing and Sensual Penetration

The Benefits of Sensate Focus

What Sex-Ed Didn’t Teach You

No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another.

The Comlexity of a Sexual Relationship

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships

Explore Your Sexual Health

Sexual Health Bill of Rights

Sex and Your Intimate Relationship

Sex is Relational

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**No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another.**