When Sexual Desires Differ

by Carolynn Aristone | Aug 30, 2021 | General, Relationships, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Therapy

Sexual desire mismatch may be more common than you realize.

As a relationship and sex therapist, I see a common problem amongst couples: one partner often wants more sex than the other. I can safely say that I discuss this issue with clients on a weekly basis. It’s that common.

Typically, one partner wants us to “fix” the other. Either by making the “lower” desire partner have more sex or by making the “higher” desire partner back off. This issue spans many types of couples across many different faiths, races, sexuality and genders.

But more sex doesn’t exactly create sex worth wanting. It just creates more unsatisfying sex. And less sex doesn’t exactly ease the tension around sex. It just creates more resentment.

So how do couples solve their differences?

Take a WE Approach

As mentioned earlier, when couples come in for couples or sex therapy, each partner often wants us to “fix” the desire of the other. Each partner sees the other as the “problem” causing them so much pain.

Our early sessions usually involve helping the couple see that any sexual problems they experience, including differences in sexual desire, are a couple’s problem. Not an individual problem.

I help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility.

To take it one step further, I also provide psychoeducation to help the couple understand that neither partner has the “right” kind of desire. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” when it comes to how they experience desire with each other. We pivot away from judgment and instead focus on them being “different”.

Why Couples Need This One Shift

Each partner commits pretty fully to their own perspective as the “right” one. As long as we can get some “buy-in” into shifting the focus from “wrong” to “different”, we can work with it and the sex therapy can progress.

This shift allows partners to develop greater curiosity about each other’s sexual desires. It creates an opening for a conversation about desire and what makes sex worth wanting for both of them.

The truth of the matter is, when desire differences show up, even if sex is happening, it often feels empty, rushed and pressured. The seeking partner may “take what they can get” but not necessarily feel satisfied with it. The avoidant partner does it out of obligation.

“We help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. “

Why Have Sex?

One of my favorite questions to ask couples is these 3 simple words: Why have sex?

Believe it or not, most couples have never stopped to consider why they engage in sex together. In the early courtship phase, it’s often driven by hormones and being in the lust phase or the attraction phase of falling in love.

The couple isn’t exactly asking themselves, “Why am I having sex with you?”. Yet it’s an important question to ask.

Whenever I ask couples this question, most will tell me “to feel closer, to feel loved, to feel more connected, because it feels good”. Most partners are not saying “to pressure my partner”, or “to feel coerced”.

Sex therapist, Dr. Marty Klein emphasizes this question in his work as well, noting that both partners often want the same thing.

In his article, Partner’s Disagree on How Much Sex, he states that in his work, he’ll tell them, “The issue here isn’t just more sex, it’s that you want to FEEL different – whether its’ more loved, or more attractive or whatever, right?”

And he’s right. Partners want to feel better with each other – closer, more attractive, loved – even though their desires look like they differ. At its core, they actually want the same thing.

In reality, neither wants to return to the type of sex they may have been having – quick, distant, empty and chore-like. This only furthers the pain they already feel with each other.

So more sex isn’t the answer. But the answer does involve some sex or erotic exchanges.

Find Common Pain Points

What couples often don’t realize is that while their desires may differ, and they may feel like polar opposites, they actually share similar pain points.

As we unpack the pain points in sex therapy, the “higher” desire partner often reports feeling undesired, unattractive and ultimately rejected. The lower desire partner often reports feeling pressured, guilty, stressed and dysfunctional.

But through these conversations, what partners also discover is that while each has their own experience, they also have other feelings that match: As a couple, they feel misunderstood, disconnected, lost, abnormal and lonely.

Almost always, couples experience an “aha” moment when they realize that despite their differences, they share these painful feelings. This is an important moment in sex therapy because it helps the couple see that they aren’t as polarized as they might feel.

Let me repeat: They aren’t as polarized as they might feel.

Couples start to see that they actually have common emotional ground; both want to feel closer, connected and loved BUT both feel misunderstood, lost, abnormal and lonely. This becomes the fertile soil where they can meet each other. Progress grows with the support and guidance of their sex therapist.

How Sex Takes a Backseat

In long-term relationships, it’s not unusual for life circumstances to steamroll a couple’s sex life. Having kids, career or money stress, supporting in-laws, domestic life, health problems and more are all, well, pretty unsexy.

They leave partners feeling tired. Or partners escape their stress with too much time on Facebook or too many glasses of wine at dinner.

Having better sex isn’t just about the sex itself, although that’s something that might need improvement. It’s also about feeling emotionally supported through the tasks of daily living. Feeling like a team. Feeling like your relationship is reliable and dependable. Easing each other’s burdens.

Talking, being affectionate and showing love each day.

Coming Back to Your Why

Remember, partners don’t want to go back to sex that doesn’t feel good. High desire partners don’t want to go back to sex that feels like they’re dragging their partner along into it. They want sex that feels engaging, energized and mutual.

“Low” desire partners aren’t completely turned off to sex, despite often pushing it away. They may prefer a different sexual experience, or sex that feels like it’s actually for them too.

All of this requires that the couple shift their focus back to the reasons why they want to have sex in the first place: to feel closer, more connected, more loved.

These conversations help the couple begin to understand how their emotional life connects to their sexual life.

Your Next Step

Start by having a conversation with your partner about this article. Discuss which parts of it make sense to you. Share how it helps you understand your partner better, and/or how it reflects your own experience. Share what you think you might have in common.

Then consider your next step. Perhaps you want to seek out some online resources.

Or maybe, you want to work face to face with a therapist to address your concerns.

In either choice, it’s time to stop feeling at odds, show up and work through your differences. Hopefully this article serves as a launching point for you.

It IS possible to find resolve, common ground and to create sex worth wanting again.

No Sex During the Pandemic? {Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive}

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 29, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex, Sex Therapy, Stress

Why couples aren’t having sex during the pandemic

I recently had a “socially distanced” coffee date with a friend.

We talked about the impact of COVID on our work, kids and families. As we wrapped up, she added, “And let’s face it, no one is having sex. I mean, come on, he walks into the room and I think, oh…. you again”. On that note, we parted ways, but her words stayed with me.

How many couples think that very same thought? Feel sick of seeing their partner’s face all day and all night? Not because they don’t love them but because they feel trapped in every way due to the pandemic?

Can couples stay sexually fresh when the pandemic routine makes everything feel stale?

Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive

It’s not easy to feel sexy and hot when you’re also feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. And let’s keep it real: This ain’t no ordinary stress.

This is survival stress. Questions like, “How will we manage our bills?”, “How do we see our family without getting them sick?”, “How do we manage work and our kids school?”, “Will my parents die from CoVid?”, “Can our kids socialize with friends and not get sick?”

Add to that the sense of feeling trapped. You, your partner and your kids (if you have them), share the same walls almost 24/7 for months on end now, each on the other’s nerves, squabbling over how to share the space.

Plus the overwhelming, undeniable grief and loss as you watch numbers rise, fall, then rise again, as you see the death toll keep growing, watch holidays come and go without your traditional celebrations and more.

And I didn’t yet mention the shift in your physical activity – all the steps you’re not taking to meet your FitBit goals, the elastic pants and masks you’re living in or the fact that you may go several days in between showers.

All of this sets the stage for the “oh… you again” sexless relationship.

Marital and Relationship Conflict is On the Rise

The pandemic hasn’t stopped our phones from ringing. In fact, quite the contrary. As a sex therapist, I’ve gotten many calls from couples seeking online couples counseling and couples therapy to address sexual concerns.

For many, the stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their relationship, including their sex life. Some of the sexual concerns couples report include:

Being in a long-distance relationship and not having access to their partner
Afraid to get physically close when one partner works in a public setting
No private time at home because the kids are always present
No boundaries between work and home because work now happens at home
Being sucked into the black hole of social media for hours on end
Lack of date nights due to lockdowns
Increased sense of depression and lack of motivation in general

These issues feel like the weight of the world. Some days it feels heavier than others.

Within the virtual therapy room, couples are talking about their struggles and addressing them, many within the context of the impact of CoVid-19.

If You’re the Partner Getting Rejected

Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire. If your sex drive typically says “yes” more than “no”, you might feel abandoned and rejected by your partner more than ever.

If historically, you’ve been more into sex than your partner, the pandemic will only exacerbate that issue. Quarantine life adds a whole new dimension to “not feeling it tonight baby”.

As long as you’re living under lockdown, try not to take your partner’s lack of sexy engagment personally. Chances are, they want to feel sexier and more vibrant with you but the pandemic “survival” stress overwhelms their sexual system.

At the same time, it’s important to keep communicating about it.

Below, I offer ways to keep communication going, while also finding ways to stay connected under extreme stress.

How to Manage Your Sexual Differences During the Pandemic

Sexual desire differences come up a lot in sex therapy, even when we’re not in a global pandemic. It’s natural for each partner to have different styles of desire. Let me share some insights into how you can manage this during CoVid times.

Talk about it. Couples shy away from sexual conversations even though they have sex together, often for years. If you can’t talk about sex, it’s pretty hard to have good sex.
Practice compassion and empathy. Conversations about sex are vulnerable making. It’s not easy for anyone to say, “I feel rejected”, or “I want to have sex with you”, or, “I’ve lost my libido”. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Discuss your needs for touch. Try to describe what type of touch feels good right now, what feels welcome as well as what you miss most. Listen carefully to your partner.
Be an investigator. Ask them questions about how that touch makes them feel. Secure? Safe? Loved? Playful? Relaxed? Sexy? Connected? Hot?
Take a personal inventory. Now that you know what your partner desires most, ask yourself, am I willing to meet their needs, emotionally, physically or sexually?

Create a Bridge to Your Divide

When someone’s libido becomes less active, there’s certainly exercises they can do to help jumpstart sexy energy BUT, the goal of this article is not to make the “lower desire” partner meet the “higher desire” partner.

As a sex therapist, I have a plethora of exercises that I give to folks who seek to rev up their libido. But I’ve found that during the pandemic, this can add an increased stressor.

Additionally, I’ve found that bonding exercises have helped couples feel closer, more secure and loved during a very unpredictable, shaky time.

For some couples, the increase in bonding has organically led to greater sexual engagement but for others, feeling bonded has felt more fulfilling than trying to squeeze in a quickie.

This shows me that partners have different needs to be met during this global crisis. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

For some partners, it’s not about trying to have more sex. It’s about creating moments of real connection that feel safe, secure and bonding during a time of anxiety, fear and uncertainty.

Now, let’s acknowledge that for other partners, sex IS the way that they feel bonded, safe, connected and emotionally close.

As you hold conversations together and assess your needs and willingness, consider that both experiences are valid and valuable.

What You Have In Common with Other Couples

That sexless syndrome, “Oh…you again” is real, and if you’re feeling that, you are one of many.

In couples and sex therapy, I always emphasize quality over quantity. Rather than focus on how much less sex is happening, focus more on how to create real quality connection together.

Have meaningful conversations along with intentional, meaningful touch such as extended hugs, snuggles, kissing and spooning. Linger in bed longer on weekend mornings, turn in a bit earlier at night. Share some pillow talk.

Make the quality of your connection strong, consistent and reliable.

If sex happens as a result of that, great, but if not, try not to personalize it or feel guilty about it. Keep conversations about sex going, without attaching to an outcome.

Focus more on taking good care of each other during this tumultuous time.

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When You Want Marriage Counseling and Your Partner Doesn’t

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 16, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Every couple’s therapist knows that when a couple walks through the door for therapy, chances are that one partner wants to be there and the other one doesn’t.

It’s ok, we’re not offended! We’re also not surprised.

Take Lori and Jordan for example. After years of struggle with their sex life, Lori got online and looked up “sex therapist near me”.

She tried to encourage Jordan to research online counseling but Jordan spent far less time on it than she did. Lori made the initial call to us and booked their first appointment. Jordan reluctantly attended the first session.

Believe it or not, I see value in both Lori and Jordan’s perspectives.

It makes sense that Lori would have confidence in a qualified professional to support them. It also makes sense that Jordan would initially be skeptical of placing his precious marriage in the hands of a stranger.

It took time before Jordan became comfortable with the process of sharing their relationship and sexual history with me. But with time and support, Jordan began to trust the process. They worked through their sexual misunderstandings and created a meaningful sex life together.

Why Your Partner Won’t Attend Counseling

Your spouse, like Jordan, might also balk at the idea of couples therapy, online counseling, online courses for couples, or any sort of relationship help.

While they may cite time, money, and energy as reasons to not engage, here is a list of the deeper reasons he or she may resist help:

Fear of rocking the boat and making things worse
Fear that the therapist will side with you
Fear of sharing intimate stories with a stranger
Fear of depending on anyone else
Fear that counseling means you have serious problems
Fear that you will use therapy as a vehicle for separation
Fear that needing outside help means your relationship is doomed
Fear of anyone finding out that your relationship is struggling
Fear of failure

Reaching out for help can feel paradoxical. Your partner might think that counseling or focusing on your relationship problems will only magnify the issue. But the reality is that if you play it “safe and silent”, your problems actually grow.

It becomes a quiet undercurrent that creates a deep divide.

How to Get Your Partner on Board

While there’s no guarantee that your partner will join you in therapy or any other self-help resource, there are steps you can take to help the process along.

Here are some suggestions for working with your reluctant partner:

Ask them what their concerns are for seeking help. Whether it’s a private option like reading relationship books, taking a self-help course online, or seeking therapy with a professional, ask them to specify what makes them uncomfortable about the idea.
Validate your partner’s resistance. As I mentioned above with Lori and Jordan, both partners had valid reasons for why they did or didn’t want therapy. Your partner probably does too. Acknowledge their concerns, even if it’s against what you think is right.
Address the fear factor. Read the list above and see if your partner names anything that falls into those categories. Offer your partner a different perspective to help counter the fear they might feel about needing help.
Solicit their ideas. Name a variety of ways you can get help as a couple. Ask your partner to add any of their own ideas and to rank them from most favorable to least favorable. As a start, consider choosing the method that feels most tolerable to them.
Play with hypotheticals. If you’re leaning toward therapy, ask what criteria need to be met. Male or female? Location? Faith-based or secular? Best time and day of the week? Specific race, age, or orientation? The ideal person to talk to? Expectations for therapy?
Explore the introductory model. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to meet once with a therapist for a meet and greet session. If you want your partner to sign up for an Ecourse, take the free webinar, or view the website together to become more familiar.
Make a commitment. Find one process to commit to. Whether it’s counseling, self-help books, or online services, ask your partner to pick one with you and make a weekly commitment to doing it together.

When You’re Partner Still Resists Help

It can feel hard to take all of these steps and still feel dismissed by your partner. The process may test your patience and tolerance for their resistance. It can feel unfair.

As you move through the suggestions above, be sure to add what all of this means to you.

You may want to say any of the following:

Nothing is more important to me than our marriage. But I feel frustrated and hopeless when you resist all of my suggestions. This hurts me. What parts can you reconsider?
I’m trying to meet you halfway but I don’t feel that you’re doing the same. We’re not resolving these issues on our own. I don’t want to live the rest of our marriage this way.
I understand your feelings about getting help but I’m asking you to push through the parts that are uncomfortable for you so that we can have a better relationship. Can you?
I’ll never offer you an ultimatum but I’m sure you know that if things don’t improve between us, our future is unpredictable. I can’t do this alone. It takes two of us. Join me.

Going Solo for Counseling, Therapy or Self-Help Options

If after all of these conversations, your partner still doesn’t want to get help with you, then commit to getting yourself the support that you seek.

While it’s not easy to reach this point, you want to make sure that you take care of yourself. That could mean reading your own books, taking an online class, attending a support group, or seeing your own therapist.

There are many paths to relationship wellness. Ideally, you want your partner along for that ride. Make every effort to get them on board. If ultimately, they resist, let it go and work on you.

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10 Communication Mistakes to Avoid {Tips from a Marriage Counselor}

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 6, 2020 | Communication, Conflict, Connection, General, Marriage Survival, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Are You Making These Communication Misktakes in Your Relationship?

Do you think to yourself, “We don’t know how to communicate“? Feel like you argue in circles, never resolving your differences? Sick of feeling unseen and unheard?

Good, healthy communication is a skill. It’s like a muscle that has to be toned through exercise. It requires intentional effort and practice and guess what? It’s something couples can learn how to do.

How often do you cut each other off, talk over each other, name call, or smirk at your partner’s comments? How many times do you create circular conversations that go nowhere?

In your intimate relationship, you will have differences of opinion. In fact, I hope that you do. That means that two unique personalities are visible. That’s a good thing.

But, how you navigate your differences matters.

Skills You Can Learn Through Marriage Counseling

In couples therapy, marriage counseling, or relationship counseling, we help couples see their own intimate communication dance. This includes learning about who tends to lead, follow, control, be aggressive or passive, pursue or distance, shut down, withdraw and so much more.

In fact, below is a chart that highlights skills we help couples avoid along with teaching them what they can do instead to help make their intimacy dance more fluid, connected, and loving.

10 Communication Skills for Couples – Mistakes and Solutions

Avoid This…	Instead Do This…
Talking over your partner	Be quiet while they speak
Blocking your partner’s ideas and feelings	Ask them what they think and feel, then listen
Name calling	Manage your anger, take a deep breath
Blame and Shame	Practice personal accountability
Bringing up old wounds and random issues	Stay focused and stick with one topic
Belligerency (“You’re the problem, not me”)	Remember it takes two to tango
Sarcasm or hostile humor	Say, “I feel really angry right now”
Eye rolling, sighing	Take a break, then come back to talk more
Personal criticisms	Focus on the problem, not on character
Using words like “always” and “never”	Say “sometimes” or “this happens a lot”

You can see that these communication skills are not complicated. Anyone can learn to strengthen and improve them. Over the years, we’ve seen thousands of couples in therapy. Every couple comes in with their own unique story that needs some form of guidance and healing.

As couple’s therapists, we use charts just like the one above to provide concrete tools for you to draw from, homework to practice and new skills to learn. Your therapy sessions help you practice these skills so that you can bridge the divide between you.

Let’s consider the story of Harriet and Kirby.

Relationship Counseling with Harriet and Kirby

Harriet and Kirby came into therapy because they were at odds in most subject matters – sex, money, parenting and work. They felt deep marital dissatisfaction but weren’t ready to call it quits. They knew that they loved each other but didn’t know how to manage their differences.

We met weekly. Harriet expressed feeling overwhelmed by their work and parenting schedule, changes in her body after having kids, overall exhaustion on most days and missing the “little things” Kirby used to do for her to make her feel special.

Kirby talked about his stress around being a father due to how he was raised, numbing out each night with social media, feeling like he was always “in trouble” with Harriet and that he didn’t do anything right by her standards. He also said their sexless marriage had him feeling like less than a man.

Both partners came from high conflict families. As kids, they were the “parent pleasers”, in an attempt to keep their parents from fighting even more.

They carried this into adulthood. They tried to please too many people – bosses, external family, the kids, friends, neighbors, the school community, church members – leaving nothing left for their own relationship. They worked to please everyone but each other.

Each felt weary, bitter and resentful towards the other.

Those hard feelings showed up in their poor communication style.

They exercised behaviors from the “avoid” column above. With the guidance of therapy, they learned how those behaviors kept them stuck in a negative cycle.

After about 12 sessions, they started to connect the dots. They saw how their upbringing influenced their interactions with each other.

In fact, they got so good at seeing their own negative pattern that when caught up in it, they would name it themselves! “We’re in it again”, they’d say.

Except this time, they had communication tools to get out of that awful cycle.

With enough practice, that cycle showed up less and less as behaviors from the “Do this Instead” column showed up more and more.

Rather than get heated quickly, like their parents did, they practiced slowing down, conscious breathing, responding (Do Instead) not reacting (Avoid).

They focused on connecting instead of winning.

They lived for 10 years in a dissatisfying marriage. Through marriage counseling and commitment to the homework, they improved their marriage in just six months.

Healthy Communication With Your Spouse or Partner

Healthy communication skills are available to you too. As you can see, the skills are not mysterious or complicated. They are not vague or abstract.

They are concrete, tangible, do-able behaviors that you can start to practice right away.

Far too many couples fail to get the right help that can transform their relationship. With simple behavior changes, you can stop suffering year after year in an unhappy marriage and start to feel alive and happy again.

If you find yourself stuck in a negative cycle and can’t get yourselves out of it, consider working with a marriage counselor or couples counselor who has experience and can offer you research-based tools to support your relationship health.

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Power Struggles in Your Relationship?

by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 22, 2020 | Conflict, Forgiveness, General, Relationships, Sex Therapy

Do You Have Power Struggles in Your Relationship?

Couples are often told to learn the art of compromise. Find the middle ground. Make your decision a win-win for everyone involved. Satisfy both needs.

Those are wise words and yes, you have to find ways to factor in what you and your partner want when making decisions. In many situations, that advice works.

But, what if you can’t do that?

What if your situation is a bit more black and white? What if, whatever decision is made, somebody loses out?

There are some conflicts with no easy compromise.

Examples Include:

You want another child and your partner doesn’t
You’ve dreamed of moving to another state but your partner doesn’t want to leave family
Your partner wants to adopt a pet and you don’t want to
You both want your child to have a stay-at-home parent – each wants the other to put their career on hold
You want an open marriage and your partner wants monogamy

You can see that, in the situations above, neither partner is “right” or “wrong” for wanting their desired outcome. There’s no malice here. Just two good people with two very different desires.

For many of these examples, it’s not easy to find middle ground. Most couples go around in circles, debating their points, trying to sway their partner in their direction, ending nowhere but frustrated and back at square one.

Or someone feels repeatedly, “unheard”.

Here’s how it plays out once a decision is made:

One partner gets what they want, the other partner feels angry, bitter, powerless, shocked and dismissed
Their relationship divide grows
No one acknowledges an important word in the experience: GRIEF

It would be nice if each partner could always get what they want, equally. But some decisions can’t be divided up that way.

It’s not even the final outcome that tears couples apart. Instead, what trips most couples up is the process of how they got there.

In marriage therapy or couples counseling, couples usually call me after one partner went ahead with a decision; either out of assuming their partner was on board, confusion and misunderstanding or lack of clarity around their partner’s wishes.

When you find yourselves in that situation, know that the person who didn’t get their way gave something up (even if they weren’t involved in the decision).

So, even if you weren’t trying to “win”, your partner will inevitably feel like they lost.

Maybe they’ve given up their dream to have a second child, or build their dream home, or make partner at the firm.

Maybe they’ve lost their freedom and independence and now have to take care of another life (child, in-law, furbaby).

It’s not your job to try to convince your partner that the outcome is “for the best”, or that they somehow “gained too” from the experience.

It’s not your job to help them see “the bright side” of things or in any way convince them to feel anything other than their grief.

In fact, when you acknowledge their pain and loss around these black and white decisions, you see and hear them. You validate their experience. This helps them feel like they matter, even when things don’t go their way.

Knowing what to say and how to say it is key to repairing this type of relationship rupture. Below, I offer you language to help you hold healing conversations together.

In the examples below, we’re assuming that one partner went ahead with a decision that the other partner did not fully agree to.

Here’s how to speak to your partner when they didn’t get their way on an issue:

I know I didn’t go about this quite the right way. My decision has clearly caused you pain. I’m sorry that I didn’t factor in what you wanted.
I know there were no easy answers here. I can see that you feel like you lost out on this. I’m sorry for that.
I know you weren’t really on board with my decision. And now that this is done, I can see how hurt you feel. What can I do to help you manage your grief around this?
I understand how this outcome bothers/hurts you. What can I do to make it right?
I know that you didn’t get what you wanted out of this. I want to talk about what this loss means for you and for us.

While it’s nice to idealize power as a shared experience in relationships, there will be times when one partner exercises more power than the other; when one partner feels more powerless than the other. These moments are inevitable.

In relationship counseling, I help couples work through those power struggles, whether it’s around intimacy, parenting, domestic life, finances, sex, career; and even in all of the small decisions partners make throughout the day that influence power in the relationship.

What You Want to Strive For

In healthy relationships, you want to strive for as much balance as possible when it comes to shared decision making. Maximize that to its fullest.

But also know that, at times, shared or not, it may not always feel equal.

If one partner doesn’t get their ideal outcome, make sure that you acknowledge and validate the grief that accompanies the loss. Hold space for them and find ways to move forward together.

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Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

by Carolynn Aristone | Jul 5, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum. In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things. If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple. Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes. Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work. My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers. You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents. And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality. It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within. Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected. You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being. But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you. It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect. Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

The couple feels stressed out by life
One partner wants more sex than the other
One or both partners have had affairs
The couple struggles with parenting challenges
The couple holds different marital expectations
One partner is depressed or anxious
One partner is a functional alcoholic
One or both partners have body image issues
One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is. As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them. Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work. As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better. At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun!

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