Understanding Partner Differences

 Understanding Partner Differences

Something happens to us in early courtship. 

Flooded with hormones, we see our partner through a blind set of eyes. They can do no wrong. They light us up from within. They’re everything we’ve ever wanted. “Soulmates”.

We tend to see ourselves in our partner. Sometimes, they bear the characteristics that we aspire towards. Other times, they seem like a mirror image of us. What better experience than to partner with ourselves for life? 

In some relationships, partners never seem to have conflict. They’ll say “we don’t fight” and seem to agree all the time.

That type of union makes it difficult for partners to evolve. It can also lead to something called enmeshment, where each partner seems to blend into the other with no distinct “I”. 

Other couples confront a different reality. They “suddenly” discover that one partner seems polar opposite to the other. This can wreak havoc on a couple’s self-concept. Partners wonder how they EVER got together to begin with. What were they each thinking?

Welcome to the world of differentiation.

Some couples fail to achieve it. Other couples struggle to accept it. 

What is healthy differentiation and why do we need it for healthy love?

What is Healthy Differentiation?

In 1997, Dr. David Schnarch wrote a groundbreaking book called Passionate Marriage in which he claims that differentiation is essential for healthy relationships. 

By his definition, “differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love ”.

He adds that differentiation is essential to reducing blame, repairing conflict, tolerating intimacy and creating a hot, loving sex life. 

For relationships to be healthy, it requires you to attend to your individuality as you move through the world in a state of togetherness. It means being two distinct people attempting to create an interdependent relationship.

Why is Differentiation Important?

When partners can clearly and distinctly define themselves while in partnership, they create a more honest, transparent, authentic relationship. No masks. No facades. This in turn helps eliminate relationship habits that can become toxic, such as the expectation for mindreading, wrong assumptions and chronic resentment.

When couples can achieve this, it gives them an extraordinary gift; for each partner to love and to be loved, exactly for who they are.

 

Differentiation and Intimacy

Dr. Schnarch identifies different types of intimacy. Consider which type of intimacy you might practice in your own relationship. We’ll use Dr. Scharch’s language. 

According to Scharch, you engage in other-validated intimacy if you expect that your partner will accept you, empathize, validate you and reciprocate disclosure after you’ve shared something personal about yourself. Your self-worth depends on the reaction of your partner. 

Self-validated intimacy is when you can disclose your thoughts and feelings while maintaining your own self-worth, regardless of how your partner responds. You hold no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity for what you’ve shared. 

Would acceptance and reciprocity be “nice”? Maybe. Unfortunately, “nice” can keep a relationship flat, dull and static.

He argues that intimacy can occur in the latter form, even if the disclosure isn’t accepted, validated or empathized with; even if only one partner discloses. Self-validated intimacy requires you to support yourself while letting yourself be known to your partner. It reduces unhealthy dependency and enmeshment.

Let’s just sit with that for a moment. What you just read may feel counter to everything you thought you knew about relationships. 

Intimacy and Vulnerability

Differentiation requires vulnerability tolerance. As a couple’s and sex therapy practice, my team and I frequently use that term when referring to the work we do with our clients. 

No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. Most would describe the experience as feeling naked, exposed and unprotected from harm. Yet vulnerability is an experience partners need to step into from time to time to establish real intimacy. 

One of my favorite quotes on intimacy and vulnerability is from Dr. Schnarch. He says:

I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want to know you love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever going to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.”

Self-disclosure and tolerance for vulnerability become easier when our sense of worth becomes less dependent on our partner’s moods and reactions. 

The more we can reveal of ourselves, the more interesting our relationships become. We increase the possibility of making real contact, real authentic connection with our partners. 

This achievement allows couples to retain a sense of intimacy even when in conflict. It permits partners to have differences of opinion, to have a voice, to express themselves. 

Integrating Healthy Differentiation into Your Relationship

If you’re not sure what all of this means for you, let me simplify it: establishing an intimate connection with your partner starts with having a strong, healthy connection with yourself.

If you allow your self-worth to hinge on the words and actions of others, you have not yet learned how to support yourself or possibly love yourself. It’s difficult to give and receive love with another person if you haven’t yet learned how to fully accept and love who you are. 

Even folks who appear to be fiercely independent may struggle to genuinely connect with anyone else because underneath their outward presentation, sits fragility.

african couple smiling on bed

Consider a radical act of self-confrontation. Focus on yourself and not on your partner. Ask yourself if you can metaphorically stand up on your own two feet. Can you hold yourself up? Can you hold yourself up in more vulnerable situations with your partner? Can your partner do the same? How well do you tolerate your partner’s differences? How much room is there for difference within the partnership?

How might differentiation help you become a healthier, more enlivened couple?

Sensate Focus for Better Sex

Sensate Focus

In couples and sex therapy, one of the best suggestions I give some couples who struggle with sex is to not have sex. Seems counterintuitive, right?

After all, how are couples supposed to work on their sex life or create better sex if they stop having it?

I suggest abstaining as a temporary measure. It helps alleviate the pressure of sex. Think about it. When sex isn’t happening or if it’s happening awkwardly, it can occupy a lot of your mental space and emotional energy.

If you’re the seeker, you might constantly look for sexual signs or windows of opportunity, the right way to approach your partner without annoying them, or to get a “yes”. 

If you’re the avoidant partner, you might wonder “what’s wrong with me?”, seek ways to discourage physical contact or feel anxious about whether your partner will ask again tonight.

Loss of libido, a sense of rejection, different levels of sexual desire, sexual dysfunction or different sexual needs can make you feel mentally and emotionally consumed, put stress on your relationship and an unconscious pressure on both of you.

When I suggest abstention, it alleviates that pressure. There’s no more figuring out what to do. As you adjust to this new arrangement, I slowly introduce new, evidence-based ways for you to physically re-engage that likely carry far better results. 

The Impact of Your Troubled Sex Life

Your sex life holds its own peaks and valleys. This is normal and natural in long-term relationships. But when you have prolonged periods of time where you either can’t meet each other’s sexual needs or you stop having sex altogether, physical engagement can feel awkward and stressful.

When I ask you to take sex off the table, we make room for you to heal your erotic and emotional wounds first. Problematic sex impacts how you relate to each other. Whether you’re feeling constantly pressured or rejected, the intimacy dance between you can cause emotional injury for everyone.

Sometimes these emotional injuries shut down the avoidant partner’s sexual system. Their body learns that sex feels emotionally unsafe so, over time, their libido takes a nosedive. 

Ironically, the seeking partner’s sexual system can often shut down just as the avoidant partner’s system starts to wake up! Chronic rejection inevitably leads to resentment which is a sexual turnoff.

After healing your erotic and emotional injuries in couples’ and sex therapy, you understand each other better. Mutual understanding helps you see the good in each other again. You’ll communicate more effectively and connect more. 

Sometimes, this is enough to get the sexy wheels turning. But not always. 

So what’s a couple to do when they reignite emotional connection but not sexual connection? I help couples reconnect physically through a step-by-step proven exercise.

A Powerful and Proven Exercise

When couples tune into and attend to their sensuality, they lay the ground for their sexuality to emerge in a powerful and connective way. 

Known as a Sensate Focus exercise, it requires different levels of physical touch. It combines mindfulness and present-centered awareness with some specific steps, rules, limits.

This slow progression of touch builds a sense of safety and trust in each partner again. It also helps you break unhealthy touch habits and creates pleasurable touch experiences. 

The power of sensate focus is in its ability to keep you focused on touch in a deliberate, purposeful and conscious way. This skill often gets lost in long-term love. Over the years, sex can become routine and often mindless. Sensate focus helps you break old patterns and establish new, more pleasurable ones.

Unlike traditional, goal-oriented sex, sensate focus helps you enjoy the pleasure of the sexual journey by staying tuned into your senses. After all, good, fully-embodied sex is a sensual experience.

Rules for a Successful Sensate Focus Experience

Before you embark on your sensate focus journey, there are a few rules to understand.  

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Rule #1: Suspend judgment

Let go of any expectations for this exercise. Treat this entirely as an experiment and stay curious as to what it produces for you without judging your experience. Learn from it.

Rule #2: Mark your calendars

Mark your calendars together. Initially allow for 30 minutes of sensate time for each recipient. Try to choose times when you can relax and rest and where you can have privacy without distractions. However, make sure to also choose a time where you will stay awake.

Rule #3: Clothing Decision

While the goal is to maximize skin-to-skin contact, clothing is optional. If you choose to wear clothes, choose your least restrictive clothing. As you move through the exercises, your clothing preferences may change. Keep your room at a comfortable temperature.

Rule #4: Focus on sensuality, not sexuality

The purpose of sensate focus is to strengthen present-centered awareness, mindfulness and sensate awareness through touch. This means that even if you get turned on, you will not act on your sexual impulses. 

The Sensate Focus Exercise

Below are the steps to follow for your sensate focus exercise. 

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Step 1: Non-Genital Touching

Decide who will be the Toucher and who will be the Receiver. 

The receiver will focus on the sensation of being touched, without judgment. They will allow the toucher to explore their body freely. The receiver should not direct the touch but will allow the toucher to have his/her own exploratory experience. 

The receiver can and should communicate if the toucher creates physical discomfort for the receiver. At that point, the toucher should change the type of touch they are practicing.

The toucher will explore the receiver’s body by focusing on texture, shape and temperature. They will also explore different forms of pressure on the body. 

Notice the difference between the texture of your partner’s cheeks versus their hands. Notice what it’s like to offer a quick, steccato type of touch versus touch that is elongated. Notice how touch with your full palm differs from fingertip touch. 

Only touch non-genital areas. That means that breasts, penis’s, vaginas, buttocks’ and kissing are off limits! 

It’s recommended that, if sexual arousal occurs, neither partner attempts to satisfy the arousal. This would shift the focus away from sensuality toward sexuality and probably keep you in your same dysfunctional touch patterns. 

Be sure to change roles and reciprocate. Do not compare experiences as they will be different.

Step 2: Genital Touching

Kissing and penetration are not included here.

Even though we’re introducing genital touch, the goal is to explore each other’s bodies through touch. Allow your focus to stay on the sensation of touching and being touched.

All of the same rules apply. The toucher should stay focused on the sensory experience beneath her/his hands. Move slowly and/or quickly; move deliberately. Trace and run your fingers and hands along your partner’s body, including their genitals. 

In this scenario, the receiver now has permission to put their hand over the toucher’s hand and move with them if they so choose. Do not lead the toucher. Instead, follow their movement. The receiver can practice communicating what they might want through their hand, perhaps with a gentle squeeze. The toucher can decide whether or not to abide.

It’s important that the toucher not make the genitals their sole focus. The touch should still maintain a whole-body curiosity.

Again, switch roles without comparison.

Sad Wwman looking down with shadows covering her face through a cloth sheet

Step 3: Mutual Touching

Kissing and penetration are not included here.

With greater sensory awareness, partners can now play with mutual touch, including genitals. If you’re becoming sexual instead of sensual, simply spend less time touching the genital areas and stay focused on other parts of the body. Attune to texture, shape and temperature.

An add-on to mutual touching is exploration with your mouths. That doesn’t mean jumping into oral sex. It means exploring your partner’s whole body with your lips and tongue. It means tasting them and feeling their body from an oral sensory perspective. Remember to stay focused on your sensory experience, not your sexual experience.

Step 4: Kissing and Sensual Penetration

Following the same principles from your previous steps, you can now include touch through kissing and penetration from a sensory perspective

Approach the experience from a sensual lens. Imagine what kissing and penetration look and feel like from a sensory experience. Notice the warmth and the wetness. Allow your fingers, hands, lips and mouth to guide you.

Begin with a non-genital focus and gradually bring the genitals into contact. Allow for genital touching and rubbing without penetration. 

If both partners seek penetration, move slowly and intentionally into this form of touch. Allow yourselves to fluctuate in movement, including stillness, as penetration occurs.

Step 4 invites both partners to touch and receive, simultaneously. It’s important to stay relaxed and pleasure-focused as the body increases in it’s arousal, intensity and possible orgasm. 

Some couples like to linger in each step for several dates before moving onto the next step. Take each step at your own pace, practicing mutual respect, curiosity and openness.

The Benefits of Sensate Focus

Sensate focus has so many profound benefits. In addition to helping couples slow down and tune in, it strengthens your ability to be both sensual and sexual, allowing them to overlap but without confusing the two. 

Let’s face it. We live in the age of instant gratification. Got a headache? Take a pill. Feeling lonely? Hop on Facebook. Need the book now? Instantly download it to your e-reader. 

Good partnered sex doesn’t work “in an instant”. It doesn’t have to be slow. But it does need to be mindful. It requires your fullest attention. It needs you to shift your focus to pleasure.

In our fast-paced world, if you’ve forgotten how to be mindful with your lover, sensate focus provides you with the path for deeper, more meaningful and satisfying sex. 

What Sex Ed Didn’t Teach You About Sex

What Sex-Ed Didn’t Teach You 

Wouldn’t it be great if our parents and the systems at large helped us learn, at an early age, about how to be in a sexual relationship with someone else?

In couples and sex therapy, the majority of individuals and couples that I work with tell me that their parents never talked to them about sex when they were kids. Most bawk at the sex-ed programs held in school. 

Those that received sex ed in school, learned about the anatomy of sex, puberty and STDs.

No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another. 

Sexual feelings typically start during puberty. Yet it’s in those years that adults often turn away from the subject of sex – due to their own discomforts and inhibitions. It’s an “I don’t want to know about it, la la la” attitude that fails all of us as adolescents. Then, as adults, we wonder why the heck we feel so awkward just talking about sex, let alone engaging in it. 

Healthy sexuality stretches far beyond physical anatomy and sexual diseases. It involves understanding your own sexual identity and what it means to be in a sexual relationship – whether that’s a long-term relationship or a one-night stand. 

The Comlexity of a Sexual Relationship 

The complexity of sexual relationships includes understanding one’s own sexual body responses, the emotional landscape that accompanies sex, attraction as dynamic, not static, how sexual desire manifests, multiple ways of achieving sexual pleasure, what stimulates or shuts down arousal, the impact of sexual rejection and so much more.

Unless you’re self-pleasuring alone, sex is a relational experience. Yes, we also have a relationship with ourselves but for the sake of this article, I’m referring to the way we relate to our sexual partners.  So many folks lack the tools to navigate the “relational” part of sex. 

This can manifest into such problems as not communicating clearly and directly about sex, misunderstanding partner advances or rejections, lack of sexual satisfaction, goal-oriented sex over pleasure-oriented sex, pressure to have sex when it’s not wanted, sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasm, sexual disappointment and/or sexual preferences never shared.

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships 

In a healthy sexual relationship, sex is a shared, relational experience. It’s where partners can communicate fiercely through physical contact alone. Yet it’s also a space where sexual conversations are welcome. Curiosities, desires and fears are shared.  Compassion and empathy are demonstrated. Vulnerability is risked, contained and honored. 

As a relationship and sex therapist, I’m constantly learning new ways to help my clients deepen their understanding of themselves and each other when it comes to sex.  I also help my clients foster a sex-positive mindset. I found a great, simple resource online that I’d like to share with you.

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Explore Your Sexual Health 

The University of Louisville has online resources in their campus health department for their students. One of the subject areas is sexual health. The site demonstrates a non-shaming approach to sex ed and helps students foster a sex-positive mindset. 

One of their resources is a Sexual Health Bill of Rights. I’ve included it below. 

Before reading all 16 Rights, I invite you to travel down memory lane. Try to remember yourself as a pre-teen, teenager or young adult. Think about the home you grew up in. Try to remember your early awareness about sex and your own sexuality. Who were you then? What sexual messages surrounded you?

Once you’ve conjured the memory up in your mind, take a moment to read all 16 rights below. Pause after each one. Think about how it relates to your adolescent years and adult years. Notice if the response is the same or different.

Sexual Health Bill of Rights 

  1. I have the right to own my own body.
  2. I have a right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions and perceptions.
  3. I have a right to trust my own values about sexual conduct.
  4. I have a right to set my own sexual limits.
  5. I have a right to say no.
  6. I have a right to say yes.
  7. I have the right to experience sexual pleasure.
  8. I have the right to remain celibate.
  9. I have the right to be sexually assertive.
  10. I have the right to be the initiator in a sexual relationship.
  11. I have the right to be in control of my sexual experiences.
  12. I have the right to have a loving partner.
  13. I have a right to my sexual orientation and preferences.
  14. I have the right to have a partner who respects me, understands me and is willing to communicate with me.
  15. I have a right to talk to my partner about incest/child abuse/rape.
  16. I have a right to ask questions and receive sexually accurate information.

What might you add to this list that’s not already there? What’s missing that might relate to you specifically?

Sex and Your Intimate Relationship 

Couples get tripped up on so many of the nuances that come along with sex. Consider how the sexual health bill of rights ties into any problem areas for you. Let’s explore a few together. 

Bill of Rights #3: What does it mean to trust your own values about sexual conduct? If you’re not sure, ask yourself, “what do I value about sexual behavior?”. Do you value when your partner asks permission to touch you a certain way? Or, perhaps, you value the element of surprise? Maybe you value feeling safe. If so, what behaviors support that? 

Bill of Rights #9: If you have the right to be in control of your sexual experiences, and your partner has the same right, who actually has control? Who’s in charge when it comes to sex? What does control look like behaviorally? How does control become a shared experience? 

Bill of Rights #15: If you experienced sexual abuse or a sexual violation in your past, have you told your partner? Does this experience impact how you experience sex now? Do you worry what your partner would think if he/she/they knew? How would that impact your relationship?

Sex is Relational

Sex is relational but it starts with you. 

Consider your own sexual story, history, identity, expression, permissions and limits. Use the Sexual Health Bill of Rights to help you explore your own sexuality. Consider who you were as a young sexually developing person and who you are now as a sexually active or inactive adult. Where are the parallels, connections, intersections? 

But don’t stop there! Ask your partner to do the same. Your sexual stories, both past and present, are powerful. They help you understand who you are as a sexual being and as a sexual couple. 

And…your story keeps evolving.  As a couple, it’s up to you to create each new chapter. Be courageous authors! Make it epic. 

When Sexual Desires Differ

Sexual desire mismatch may be more common than you realize.

As a relationship and sex therapist, I see a common problem amongst couples: one partner often wants more sex than the other. I can safely say that I  discuss this issue with clients on a weekly basis. It’s that common.

Typically, one partner wants us to “fix” the other. Either by making the “lower” desire partner have more sex or by making the “higher” desire partner back off. This issue spans many types of couples across many different faiths, races, sexuality and genders. 

But more sex doesn’t exactly create sex worth wanting. It just creates more unsatisfying sex. And less sex doesn’t exactly ease the tension around sex. It just creates more resentment.

So how do couples solve their differences?

 

Take a WE Approach

As mentioned earlier, when couples come in for couples or sex therapy, each partner often wants us to “fix” the desire of the other. Each partner sees the other as the “problem” causing them so much pain. 

Our early sessions usually involve helping the couple see that any sexual problems they experience, including differences in sexual desire, are a couple’s problem. Not an individual problem. 

I help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. 

To take it one step further, I also provide psychoeducation to help the couple understand that neither partner has the “right” kind of desire.  There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” when it comes to how they experience desire with each other. We pivot away from judgment and instead focus on them being “different”.

Why Couples Need This One Shift

Each partner commits pretty fully to their own perspective as the “right” one. As long as we can get some “buy-in” into shifting the focus from “wrong” to “different”, we can work with it and the sex therapy can progress. 

This shift allows partners to develop greater curiosity about each other’s sexual desires. It creates an opening for a conversation about desire and what makes sex worth wanting for both of them. 

The truth of the matter is, when desire differences show up, even if sex is happening, it often feels empty, rushed and pressured. The seeking partner may “take what they can get” but not necessarily feel satisfied with it. The avoidant partner does it out of obligation. 

“We help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. “

Why Have Sex?

One of my favorite questions to ask couples is these 3 simple words: Why have sex?

Believe it or not, most couples have never stopped to consider why they engage in sex together. In the early courtship phase, it’s often driven by hormones and being in the lust phase or the attraction phase of falling in love.

The couple isn’t exactly asking themselves, “Why am I having sex with you?”.  Yet it’s an important question to ask.

Whenever I ask couples this question, most will tell me “to feel closer, to feel loved, to feel more connected, because it feels good”. Most partners are not saying “to pressure my partner”, or “to feel coerced”. 

Sex therapist, Dr. Marty Klein emphasizes this question in his work as well, noting that both partners often want the same thing.

In his article, Partner’s Disagree on How Much Sex, he states that in his work, he’ll tell them, “The issue here isn’t just more sex, it’s that you want to FEEL different – whether its’ more loved, or more attractive or whatever, right?

And he’s right. Partners want to feel better with each other – closer, more attractive, loved – even though their desires look like they differ. At its core, they actually want the same thing.

In reality, neither wants to return to the type of sex they may have been having – quick, distant, empty and chore-like. This only furthers the pain they already feel with each other. 

So more sex isn’t the answer. But the answer does involve some sex or erotic exchanges.

Find Common Pain Points 

What couples often don’t realize is that while their desires may differ, and they may feel like polar opposites, they actually share similar pain points. 

As we unpack the pain points in sex therapy, the “higher” desire partner often reports feeling undesired, unattractive and ultimately rejected. The lower desire partner often reports feeling pressured, guilty, stressed and dysfunctional

But through these conversations, what partners also discover is that while each has their own experience, they also have other feelings that match: As a couple, they feel misunderstood, disconnected, lost, abnormal and lonely. 

Almost always, couples experience an “aha” moment when they realize that despite their differences, they share these painful feelings. This is an important moment in sex therapy because it helps the couple see that they aren’t as polarized as they might feel.

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Let me repeat: They aren’t as polarized as they might feel. 

Couples start to see that they actually have common emotional ground; both want to feel closer, connected and loved BUT both feel misunderstood, lost, abnormal and lonely.  This becomes the fertile soil where they can meet each other. Progress grows with the support and guidance of their sex therapist.

How Sex Takes a Backseat 

In long-term relationships, it’s not unusual for life circumstances to steamroll a couple’s sex life. Having kids, career or money stress, supporting in-laws, domestic life, health problems and more are all, well, pretty unsexy.

They leave partners feeling tired. Or partners escape their stress with too much time on Facebook or too many glasses of wine at dinner.

Having better sex isn’t just about the sex itself, although that’s something that might need improvement. It’s also about feeling emotionally supported through the tasks of daily living. Feeling like a team. Feeling like your relationship is reliable and dependable. Easing each other’s burdens. 

Talking, being affectionate and showing love each day.

Coming Back to Your Why 

Remember, partners don’t want to go back to sex that doesn’t feel good. High desire partners don’t want to go back to sex that feels like they’re dragging their partner along into it. They want sex that feels engaging, energized and mutual. 

“Low” desire partners aren’t completely turned off to sex, despite often pushing it away. They may prefer a different sexual experience, or sex that feels like it’s actually for them too. 

All of this requires that the couple shift their focus back to the reasons why they want to have sex in the first place: to feel closer, more connected, more loved

These conversations help the couple begin to understand how their emotional life connects to their sexual life. 

Your Next Step 

Start by having a conversation with your partner about this article. Discuss which parts of it make sense to you. Share how it helps you understand your partner better, and/or how it reflects your own experience. Share what you think you might have in common.

Then consider your next step. Perhaps you want to seek out some online resources. 

Or maybe, you want to work face to face with a therapist to address your concerns. 

In either choice, it’s time to stop feeling at odds, show up and work through your differences. Hopefully this article serves as a launching point for you.

It IS possible to find resolve, common ground and to create sex worth wanting again.

No Sex During the Pandemic? {Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive}

 

Why couples aren’t having sex during the pandemic

I recently had a “socially distanced” coffee date with a friend. 

We talked about the impact of COVID on our work, kids and families. As we wrapped up, she added, “And let’s face it, no one is having sex. I mean, come on, he walks into the room and I think, oh…. you again”. On that note, we parted ways, but her words stayed with me.

How many couples think that very same thought? Feel sick of seeing their partner’s face all day and all night? Not because they don’t love them but because they feel trapped in every way due to the pandemic?

Can couples stay sexually fresh when the pandemic routine makes everything feel stale?

Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive

It’s not easy to feel sexy and hot when you’re also feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. And let’s keep it real: This ain’t no ordinary stress.

This is survival stress. Questions like, “How will we manage our bills?”, “How do we see our family without getting them sick?”, “How do we manage work and our kids school?”, “Will my parents die from CoVid?”, “Can our kids socialize with friends and not get sick?”

Add to that the sense of feeling trapped. You, your partner and your kids (if you have them), share the same walls almost 24/7 for months on end now, each on the other’s nerves, squabbling over how to share the space.

Plus the overwhelming, undeniable grief and loss as you watch numbers rise, fall, then rise again, as you see the death toll keep growing, watch holidays come and go without your traditional celebrations and more.

And I didn’t yet mention the shift in your physical activity – all the steps you’re not taking to meet your FitBit goals, the elastic pants and masks you’re living in or the fact that you may go several days in between showers.

All of this sets the stage for the “oh… you again” sexless relationship.

 

Marital and Relationship Conflict is On the Rise

The pandemic hasn’t stopped our phones from ringing. In fact, quite the contrary. As a sex therapist, I’ve gotten many calls from couples seeking online couples counseling and couples therapy to address sexual concerns.

For many, the stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their relationship, including their sex life. Some of the sexual concerns couples report include:

  • Being in a long-distance relationship and not having access to their partner
  • Afraid to get physically close when one partner works in a public setting
  • No private time at home because the kids are always present
  • No boundaries between work and home because work now happens at home
  • Being sucked into the black hole of social media for hours on end
  • Lack of date nights due to lockdowns
  • Increased sense of depression and lack of motivation in general

These issues feel like the weight of the world. Some days it feels heavier than others.

Within the virtual therapy room, couples are talking about their struggles and addressing them, many within the context of the impact of CoVid-19.

 

If You’re the Partner Getting Rejected

Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire. If your sex drive typically says “yes” more than “no”, you might feel abandoned and rejected by your partner more than ever.

If historically, you’ve been more into sex than your partner, the pandemic will only exacerbate that issue. Quarantine life adds a whole new dimension to “not feeling it tonight baby”.

As long as you’re living under lockdown, try not to take your partner’s lack of sexy engagment personally. Chances are, they want to feel sexier and more vibrant with you but the pandemic “survival” stress overwhelms their sexual system.

At the same time, it’s important to keep communicating about it.

Below, I offer ways to keep communication going, while also finding ways to stay connected under extreme stress.

How to Manage Your Sexual Differences During the Pandemic

Sexual desire differences come up a lot in sex therapy, even when we’re not in a global pandemic. It’s natural for each partner to have different styles of desire. Let me share some insights into how you can manage this during CoVid times.

  1. Talk about it. Couples shy away from sexual conversations even though they have sex together, often for years. If you can’t talk about sex, it’s pretty hard to have good sex.
  2. Practice compassion and empathy. Conversations about sex are vulnerable making. It’s not easy for anyone to say, “I feel rejected”, or “I want to have sex with you”, or, “I’ve lost my libido”. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
  3. Discuss your needs for touch. Try to describe what type of touch feels good right now, what feels welcome as well as what you miss most. Listen carefully to your partner.
  4. Be an investigator. Ask them questions about how that touch makes them feel. Secure? Safe? Loved? Playful? Relaxed? Sexy? Connected? Hot?
  5. Take a personal inventory. Now that you know what your partner desires most, ask yourself, am I willing to meet their needs, emotionally, physically or sexually?

Create a Bridge to Your Divide

When someone’s libido becomes less active, there’s certainly exercises they can do to help jumpstart sexy energy BUT, the goal of this article is not to make the “lower desire” partner meet the “higher desire” partner.

As a sex therapist, I have a plethora of exercises that I give to folks who seek to rev up their libido. But I’ve found that during the pandemic, this can add an increased stressor.

Additionally, I’ve found that bonding exercises have helped couples feel closer, more secure and loved during a very unpredictable, shaky time.

For some couples, the increase in bonding has organically led to greater sexual engagement but for others, feeling bonded has felt more fulfilling than trying to squeeze in a quickie.

This shows me that partners have different needs to be met during this global crisis. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

For some partners, it’s not about trying to have more sex. It’s about creating moments of real connection that feel safe, secure and bonding during a time of anxiety, fear and uncertainty.

Now, let’s acknowledge that for other partners, sex IS the way that they feel bonded, safe, connected and emotionally close.

As you hold conversations together and assess your needs and willingness, consider that both experiences are valid and valuable.

What You Have In Common with Other Couples

That sexless syndrome, “Oh…you again” is real, and if you’re feeling that, you are one of many.

In couples and sex therapy, I always emphasize quality over quantity. Rather than focus on how much less sex is happening, focus more on how to create real quality connection together.

Have meaningful conversations along with intentional, meaningful touch such as extended hugs, snuggles, kissing and spooning. Linger in bed longer on weekend mornings, turn in a bit earlier at night. Share some pillow talk.

Make the quality of your connection strong, consistent and reliable.

If sex happens as a result of that, great, but if not, try not to personalize it or feel guilty about it. Keep conversations about sex going, without attaching to an outcome.

Focus more on taking good care of each other during this tumultuous time.

 

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Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

 

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum.  In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things.  If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple.  Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes.  Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work.  My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers.  You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents.  And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality.  It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within.  Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.  

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected.  You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being.  But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you.  It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect.  Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

  1. The couple feels stressed out by life
  2. One partner wants more sex than the other
  3. One or both partners have had affairs
  4. The couple struggles with parenting challenges
  5. The couple holds different marital expectations
  6. One partner is depressed or anxious
  7. One partner is a functional alcoholic
  8. One or both partners have body image issues
  9. One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
  10. One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is.  As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them.  Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work.  As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better.  At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun!