The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

Are you living in a sexless marriage?  Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about.  You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services.  This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships.  In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.  

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

  1. First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
  2. Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life.  You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
  3. Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down.  This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple.  Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second.  I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body.  You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low?  You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

  • Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
  • Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
  • Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
  • Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
  • Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
  • Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage.  You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it!  Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being.  I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

Overcome Boredom in Your Relationship

Are you bored in your relationship?

Does your relationship make you want to yawn?  Does it feel like Relationship Groundhog Day?  Same routine, same activities, same restaurants, etc. It’s what happens to most couples when their days become Life Management 101.  All about routines, schedules, structures. 

Don’t get me wrong. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? At least, you know what to expect.  

Like most long term couples, you settle in for the long haul.  Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where spontaneity might bring uncertainty, reliability brings a sense of safety.  Unfortunately, it can also bring boredom and complacency.

It can even lower the bar for what’s possible in your love and in your life. 

Over time, it can be hard to understand how you got to where you are or where your spark went.  You may even start to think– What the hell happened to us? We used to be so fun together.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has felt “the slump”.  I’m not saying routines are bad.  (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.)  But I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship.  Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent. 

Consider this Question:

How does your predictability impact intimacy?

We’ve established that traits like stability and reliability create safety, right?

But these traits are also opposite to spontaneity, excitement, curiosity, adventure and risk. 

And at it’s core, healthy intimacy involves risk-taking.

So, while stability and reliability are great for safety, and are certainly important for intimacy, they can also sabotage intimacy when they become the sole focus of your love. 

When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. No spark. 

I’m sure you can feel the difference between when you’re in your love groove and when you feel stuck in a relationship rut. 

If you want to feel intimate, connected and fun with each other again, you must step outside of your relationship box.

You have to proactively, intentionally and purposely bring excitement back into your relationship so that you can feel fun again.  

And when you introduce healthy risks, you not only increase your intimacy potential but you also bring new energy to your love.

 

It Starts with You

Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks?  

Do you fear being vulnerable?

Does intimacy challenge you?  

To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself to do “different”.

Sometimes, fear of change can lead to complacency.

So can laziness, passivity, depression, relationship conflict, perfectionism, taking your relationship for granted. 

So rather than confront those things (which requires courage), we go on cruise control. (Yawn)

We don’t step outside the box or get outside of our comfort zone.

We don’t find our edges or take risks on our own – let alone as a couple.  

As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.

Boring Relationship, Lost Spark, No Intimacy

So what does “it starts with you” actually mean?

Well, having an exciting relationship starts with you being an exciting partner.

YOU are the start to getting back on course, away from boredom and complacency toward growth, spark and connection. 

Be Willing to Take Risks

How do I know any of this?  Well, in addition to being a sex therapist and couples counselor, I know from personal experience.

My spouse and I have been married for over 20 years. We consider our marriage to be a great one.  

After all this time, we still feel intimately connected. But that intimacy is earned.

We take healthy risks – emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.

Whether that means having tough conversations with each other, an adventure we’ve never had before, a new sexual experience, sharing a spiritual awakening or something else.

I encourage you to take risks too. 

And not just relationship risks but personal risks. 

Do something that is as far from boring as possible.

Whether it’s confronting a work situation that you’ve avoided, taking that class you’ve had your eye on, booking a solo trip over a long-weekend, anything that gives you a new experience. Anything that offers you a new story to share. Anything that deepens the dimensions of who you are.

When I do this, or my partner does this, it gives us the opportunity to share something new at the end of the day.  We can talk about our edges. We inject new material into the fabric of our lives.

At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves.  We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge.

As a result, we become more interesting to each other. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship.

Overcoming boredom in your relationship starts with you and can have a beautiful ripple effect into your love.

 

Change your Mindset

If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back and look at your approach.  

Remember this: how you do anything is how you do everything.

It’s time to self-examine.

Ever hear of the “fixed mindset” versus the “growth mindset”?

In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or static qualities.  

In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work.

You want to adapt a growth mindset.

That means that you believe that you have the potential to evolve, to deepen your connection to each other, to bring life back into your love, to grow individually and as a couple.

But, it starts with you.

You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.

 

Overcome Boredom in your Relationship

If you’re feeling complacent, stuck, disconnected, boring, loveless, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back.  Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

  1. Where is my edge?
  2. Where am I challenging myself?
  3. How am I going to step into who I want to be?
  4. How can I be the kind of partner that I want to have?

Answer these questions separately, then come together to discuss. The answers will guide you to co-create a life and love that feels invigorating, inspiring and one that you look forward to engaging with. All of that is a far cry from a boring relationship or life.  

Remember, passion rises where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.

Become passionate about your life and your love — That’s a good place to start. ♥️

 

 

Should You Schedule Sex? Part One

Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…

We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.

Why?

Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.

  • It isn’t romantic.
  • It seems ‘forced’.
  • It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
  • What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
  • What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
  • What happens if the kids interrupt?
  • What if….

If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.

I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.

  • It isn’t romantic. 

Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.

You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?

A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)

Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.

  • It seems ‘forced’.

Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?

If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!

Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.

Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?

Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.

BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.

If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!

 

In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!

The “P” Word: Is It Okay to Watch?

Is Porn Accepted in Your Relationship?

Many couples have conflicts about the role of pornography in their relationship. You may flat out refuse to allow it. You might sneak your viewing and keep it a secret. You may view porn as cheating. You might use it to learn about sex or secret fetishes. Or, as a couple, you may use porn to get even sexier together.

 

Are any of those right or wrong? Is it addictive?

Sex therapists are divided about whether or not viewing porn is an addiction. Some researchers say an absolute yes, others say it’s not. Some say it hurts relationships, others argue it actually helps relationships.

At our Center, we’ve seen both sides of the argument. Benefits have included how porn has helped couples overcome issues of sexual inhibition, connect with content that sits outside of conventional sexual norms, helped couples become more sexually engaged with each other as well as bring couples closer together.

On the flip side, we’ve also seen how pornography has contributed to obsessive viewing for some partners, increased erectile dysfunction for some males, negatively impacted sexual expectations within partnerships as well as the affected identity, performance, and gender roles in sex.

There are no one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to the role of pornography in your sex life. Each partner and partnership is unique.

At CIR, we believe couples should have open and honest discussions about the role of pornography in their lives. This should include where and how you think it could help enhance your sex life, as well as how it taps into your vulnerabilities, fears, and concerns. These discussions should be on-going, not a one-time conversation.

 

In addition, for couples who choose to view porn, we highly encourage that couples only view “Ethical Pornography” (typically created by women) where:

  • Actor safety and full consent is the highest priority of the company
  • Natural body types, all skin colors, and orientations are featured
  • Workers are paid fair, adequate wages under safe and clean working conditions
  • Workers can refuse any scenes outside of their comfort zone
  • Sex positivity, advocacy, and empowerment are emphasized
  • Films NEVER include the use of drugs, alcohol, force, abuse, endangerment, minors and/or non-consensual sex

So yes, healthy porn viewing requires that you do your research. Unfortunately, pornography can be exploitive, unethical and abusive. This poses considerable cause for concern, especially when it comes to children and adolescents. Kids can easily stumble upon inappropriate websites. We encourage the highest levels of safety and caution to prevent children and teens from viewing content that could traumatize them.

 

Here are some additional tips on healthy use of pornography:

  • Porn is designed for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. Erotic scenes are comprised of scripts, actors, lights and cameras. Porn is not a means of sex education.
  • Your greatest source of sex education is your partner, research books and/or films designed for educational purposes only.
  • Porn is not a replacement for your partner. While it can be enjoyed solo, if you find yourself turning more to films than to your partner, it’s time to take a break from viewing. Spend time reconnecting with your partner instead.
  • If you enjoy sexual fantasy but never really want to experience it in real time, porn can help you explore fantasies safely without having to enact them (of course, as long as it follows the guidelines above).
  • Sharing porn viewing with your partner can help build sexual trust and intimacy together, while also fueling sex positivity and sexual empowerment.

Overall, we encourage you to introduce the topic to your partner. Start by having an honest conversation. Treat your relationship as unique, sacred and intimate. Hold each other’s views with care. Beware of absolutism. See where the conversation takes you.

Note: If you and/or your partner struggle with out of control sexual behavior, sometimes called sex addiction, which may or may not include porn viewing, we suggest you speak with a professional that specializes in that area.

Should You Schedule Sex with Your Partner? Part Two

Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….

In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE.  In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!

Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.

Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.

If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.

Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.

  • This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
  • If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.

 

So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.

  • You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
  • If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
  • Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
  • If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
  • Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.

So, should you schedule sex?

We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.

Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.

Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex?  If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.

Mmmmm…Kissing

Why you need to makeout with your partner…

I’m obsessed with this video, First Kiss. Not surprisingly, it went viral when published on YouTube. I admit that I’ve watched it several times and have been swept into it’s magic each and every time. I notice that when I watch it, I’m relaxed yet a bit nervous. I’m smiling. My heart melts a bit and overall, I feel dreamy.

I realize that we may all attach different meanings to the act of kissing and to this video. For me, this video represents connection, courage, risk and ultimately, the release of fear. This clip captures the process of moving toward intimacy.

In my work, I see a repetitive pattern amongst those who struggle in their sex lives. Lack of foreplay. Many couples report that they jump into bed, fondle each other’s genitals and within 5 minutes, start some form of penetration. Is it any wonder that they feel disconnected, dissatisfied and that one or both partners has lost sexual desire?

This video allows us to watch intimacy unfold. These strangers begin with an awkward stance, uncertain of when to start kissing, even verbalizing the “awkward moment” before a first kiss. Through their giggling, bowed down heads and shuffling of feet, they reveal anxiety and anticipation. They don’t just dive into it.

Once they cross over that invisible boundary and touch lips, they become magical. They cradle each other’s bodies and heads, some grab and pull each other. We see a tender lip bite, loving caresses, whole-body engagement – all from a kiss.

As the video comes to an end, these strangers pull away softly, seal their experience with a double smooch, a head or hand hold or sustained eye contact. Some look away, giggle and wonder what to do next. It’s almost as if they regressed to the innocence of their early sexual experiences.

Do you remember your very first romantic kiss in life?

I can remember three distinct experiences. My very first was a peck on the cheek in 1st grade. The giggling on the playground seemed infinite. The second was in 7th grade. I remember it as sloppy, awkward and not enjoyable, although for some reason, I went back for more. The third was with my spouse – a magical, sweep-me-off-my-feet, don’t-ever-let-it-end, fall in love kiss.

When two people allow themselves to fully engage in their kiss, the power of this meeting cannot be matched. For some, kissing is better than sex. Even Julia Robert’s had a rule of no lip-kissing with her sex customers in the movie Pretty Woman. Kissing made the sex experience intimate, not intercourse.

Suggested Read

In The Guide To Getting It On, author Paul Joannides wrote, “Another reason for the added power of kissing is so  many of the major senses have their outlets on the human face. There are vision, smell, hearing and taste, and the lips and skin are exquisitely sensitive to touch”.

For those of you who have pushed kissing to the back seat of your sexual experience, it’s time to bring it front and center. In fact, I highly encourage you to only kiss. Have full on make out sessions. Kiss passionately in all rooms of your house, outside, in the car, on the street, in an elevator, wherever your lips travel in a given day.

Juicy, luscious kisses will bring your sex life renewed energy. So, so sexy.

ADDENDUM! After posting this blog, I learned that this video was actually an advertisement for a clothing company. Clearly, I was fooled! However, I think the actors and models really captured the essence of a magical kiss. They beautifully transform awkward into magical. I still hold onto my view on kissing. It doesn’t happen enough. It’s a powerful form of sexual expression, communication and foreplay. And yes, it’s incredibly sexy!