We Can’t Communicate

No matter what issue couples present in therapy, 97% of them will cite communication as a core problem in their relationship.

In a recent post, I shared that the #1 predictor of divorce is a lack of love.

When the “in love” phase of your new relationship energy slows down and brain chemicals like norepinephrine, dopamine, and endorphins decrease, you can find yourselves suddenly bickering or not seeing eye to eye on issues that never bothered you before.

Your communication styles break down.

You react instead of respond, lose sight of the good in your mate and create emotional wounds.

When you stop caring, stop expressing your feelings, and no longer hold each other in high regard, you live in a love-less state.

You literally love less.

Your Intimacy Dance

This often shows up in what you say or don’t say, in your eye contact or lack of, facial expressions, breath patterns and tone of voice.

In couples therapy, we help couples see their unique intimacy dance and how it affects their ability to love.

This includes learning about who tends to lead, follow, control, be aggressive or passive, pursue or distance, shut down, withdraw and so much more.

In fact, this chart highlights skills we help couples avoid along with teaching them what they can do instead to help make their intimacy dance more fluid, connected, and loving.

10 Communication Skills for Couples

Conduct an honest assessment on yourself.

Mark the behaviors on the left-hand side that you know you might do and practice the suggested behavioral changes on the right.

 

Healthy intimacy requires strong communication skills.

As you can see from the chart above, the skills are not mysterious or complicated.

They’re not vague or abstract.

They are concrete, tangible, do-able behaviors that you can start to practice right away.

Remember, a series of small right actions can heal emotional wounds and course-correct most relationships.

Far too many couples fail to learn basic skills that can transform their relationship.

With simple behavioral changes, you can stop hurting each other and start to feel alive and happy again.

Good communication skills help you create high levels of relationship clarity, connection and satisfaction.

What resources do you use to help you be a strong, clear communicator? What skills do you use to tune in and listen well?

How do you remember to practice “loving”, consistently?

Hashtags:

#communication

#connection

#marriagecounseling

#couplestherapy

#intimacy

#carolynnaristone

#myintimaterelationship

#intimacyinsiders

#relationshipcounseling

#relationships

#marriage

#relationshipgoals

#understanding partner differences

Different Sex Drives

Have you ever said any of the following? 🗣

• I have no desire
• My partner has a low sex drive
• My partner’s drive is much higher than mine
• I never want to have sex

Unfortunately, today’s media pigeonholes the partner with the “lower” sex drive as dysfunctional. Couples seek out therapy wanting to “fix” the person with the “lower” drive. But the idea of “fixing” can actually further that person’s sense of feeling like a non-sexual person.

Mismatched Desire

What if I told you that when it comes to mismatched desire, no one needs to be “fixed”? Let me break down the latest research on understanding libido to help you better understand your personal sex drive and that of your partner.

What We Used to Believe 📖

For many decades, we thought that you needed desire to have sex.

The model looked something like this:

Desire → Arousal → Climax → Rest

Desire leads to arousal, which leads to climax. Then the body returns to a state of rest. So, according to this model, if you don’t have desire, you can’t become aroused, yadayadayada… And thanks to the pioneering work and research of Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. who wrote the book Come As You Are, we now have research that helps us better understand how desires differ and why. As I break this down for you, think about how desire shows up for you. Think about your partner. Think about the areas that you feel stuck, hurt, confused and frustrated with desire and sex.

What We Believe Now 🧠

Nagoski’s work shows us that there isn’t just one kind of desire. It’s not a situation where you either have it or you don’t. Desire varies from men to women and it varies within gender as well. In her research, she identified 3 types of desire: Spontaneous, Responsive and Contextual. Let’s look at each one and see which applies to you.

Three Types of Sexual Desire ⭐️

Spontaneous desire means that desire shows up instantaneously. Seventy-five percent of men experience spontaneous desire, 25% of men don’t. Only 15% of women experience instant desire, whereas 85% of women don’t. Look at those statistics again. They’re important. In this description, spontaneous = instant. Sex is merely mentioned or initiated, and desire instantly shows up, ready to go. Responsive Desire means exactly how it sounds. This refers to desire that grows in response to some form of stimulation. When something sexy happens, desire grows. Five percent of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire. So, if you don’t necessarily initiate sex or think much about it, but tend to respond to your partner’s advances, you may have responsive desire. Contextual Desire means that sexual desire is dependent on the circumstances and the environment. Even if you feel stimulated, if the circumstances and the environment don’t work for you, your desire cannot fully show up. This might help explain why you lack desire when the kids are sleeping in the next room, you had a hard day at work or you feel tired. For you, context is everything. Nagoski found that most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous, even though it may not be. They may not realize that the other factors all fell into place in order for their desire to show up “instantaneously”.

Sexual Desire and You 💫

We typically love sharing this information in our couples therapy sessions because it generates so many A-HA! reactions. Finally, couples can begin to make sense of their experience and better understand each other. Information like this helps the “lower desire” partner remember that they are capable of desire, lust and erotic expression. It also helps the “spontaneous” desire partner depersonalize the perceived lack of desire in that partner. It makes room for us to consider that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience desire.

It’s just different for everybody.

So often, as we’ve evolved from being pre-adolescents to teens to adults, we didn’t get the right information about sex. No one really taught us. We grew into our adult bodies and entered adult romantic relationships lacking critical information! One of the joys of being a relationship and sex therapist is that we get to set the record straight. You’re never too old and it’s never too late to get solid, clear, accurate sex education. So which types of desire do you and your partner experience? Love starts with you. ❤️

 The Spiritual Divorce

Unfortunately, many couples experience divorce before they actually formally divorce.  

Divorce is often the result of a silent separation that happens over many years. It creeps in slowly and quietly. No specific trauma required. 

In fact, it can happen when couples don’t practice the most fundamental aspects of loving:

• Intimacy – genuine care for the welfare of the other, mutually sharing thoughts and feelings, being supportive, practicing empathy
• Passion – demonstrating attraction, desire and physical connection through affection and sexual exchanges
• Commitment – attending to the relationship in a conscious, mindful way on a consistent basis

It all comes back to this article where we learned about Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. 

Are You in a Spiritual Divorce?

In her book, Learning to Love Yourself, author Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse offers the following symptoms as signs that you may be in a spiritual divorce:

• Habitual sadness in the couple – low energy
• Mutual sentiments of boredom and emptiness
• Indifference to each other’s problems or dreams
• Frequent coldness or avoidance in sexual encounters
• Lack of small courtesies and politeness
• Climate of mutual distrust
• More confidence in someone outside the relationship than with each other
• Communication routine and superficial
• Frequent feelings of being alone or misunderstood
• Insults and sarcasm and a discomfort with healthy anger
• Much avoidance and little confrontation
• Overbusy and chaotic social or professional life
• Loss of capacity for play and joy
• An atmosphere of the “violence of silence” in the home

Notice how many behaviors from this list tie right back to the Triangular Theory of Love.

Passivity, Disengagement and Loss of Interest

What stands out to me in the spiritual divorce is not so much what’s done but what’s not done. This list reflects a couple that has lost interest in each other, who engage passively, lack meaningful dialogue or experiences, live parallel lives, avoid each other and feel lonely even though they share a life together.

In modern love, it’s easy for this to happen, even to couples that were once incredibly close.

Modern-day couples live with unprecedented demands, especially in today’s climate of managing life during a global pandemic along with our charged political climate.

Even in moments where you might feel like you can relax, these issues sit beneath the surface. They’re with you on every shopping trip, school drop-off, family event, work engagement and social media feed.

It’s hard for our bodies and minds to drop into real relaxation. It’s hard to have the energy to be interested in your partner’s day. Life feels hard right now.

If You Find Yourself in a Spiritual Divorce

If you’ve read the list above and can check many of the statements, please don’t panic. You can find your way back to a more connected, loving relationship. It’s not too late. 

Here’s a great exercise to try with your partner.

Time Machine

• Set aside an hour on a Friday or Saturday night
• Make tea or cocktails with a snack
• Start to go back in time and remember when you first met
• Talk about that day/night
  • Who approached who?
  • What attracted you to each other?
  • What was your first date like? First kiss?
  • What felt fun and light back then?
  • What individual hobbies were you into? 
  • How did you like to spend your time as a couple?
• As you go back in time, notice how it feels to remember. What do you miss?
• What are the qualities that you want to bring back to your life now?
• What matters to you most?
• How can you make some changes?
• What are you both willing to commit to?
• Hug often as the night unfolds

You Can Reset and Restart

Finding your groove again as a couple doesn’t always have to require grand gestures. You don’t have to take a vacation somewhere to find each other, although vacations are certainly nice.

Sometimes, a few meaningful conversations can get the ball rolling. But talk isn’t enough. 

You have to follow through with action. 

What actions can you put into place (remember, small and meaningful go a long way) to start to bridge a divide that might have been growing between you?

What behaviors are you willing to shift to prevent a spiritual divorce?