Overcome Boredom in Your Relationship

Are you bored in your relationship?

Does your relationship make you want to yawn?  Does it feel like Relationship Groundhog Day?  Same routine, same activities, same restaurants, etc. It’s what happens to most couples when their days become Life Management 101.  All about routines, schedules, structures. 

Don’t get me wrong. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? At least, you know what to expect.  

Like most long term couples, you settle in for the long haul.  Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where spontaneity might bring uncertainty, reliability brings a sense of safety.  Unfortunately, it can also bring boredom and complacency.

It can even lower the bar for what’s possible in your love and in your life. 

Over time, it can be hard to understand how you got to where you are or where your spark went.  You may even start to think– What the hell happened to us? We used to be so fun together.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has felt “the slump”.  I’m not saying routines are bad.  (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.)  But I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship.  Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent. 

Consider this Question:

How does your predictability impact intimacy?

We’ve established that traits like stability and reliability create safety, right?

But these traits are also opposite to spontaneity, excitement, curiosity, adventure and risk. 

And at it’s core, healthy intimacy involves risk-taking.

So, while stability and reliability are great for safety, and are certainly important for intimacy, they can also sabotage intimacy when they become the sole focus of your love. 

When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. No spark. 

I’m sure you can feel the difference between when you’re in your love groove and when you feel stuck in a relationship rut. 

If you want to feel intimate, connected and fun with each other again, you must step outside of your relationship box.

You have to proactively, intentionally and purposely bring excitement back into your relationship so that you can feel fun again.  

And when you introduce healthy risks, you not only increase your intimacy potential but you also bring new energy to your love.

 

It Starts with You

Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks?  

Do you fear being vulnerable?

Does intimacy challenge you?  

To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself to do “different”.

Sometimes, fear of change can lead to complacency.

So can laziness, passivity, depression, relationship conflict, perfectionism, taking your relationship for granted. 

So rather than confront those things (which requires courage), we go on cruise control. (Yawn)

We don’t step outside the box or get outside of our comfort zone.

We don’t find our edges or take risks on our own – let alone as a couple.  

As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.

Boring Relationship, Lost Spark, No Intimacy

So what does “it starts with you” actually mean?

Well, having an exciting relationship starts with you being an exciting partner.

YOU are the start to getting back on course, away from boredom and complacency toward growth, spark and connection. 

Be Willing to Take Risks

How do I know any of this?  Well, in addition to being a sex therapist and couples counselor, I know from personal experience.

My spouse and I have been married for over 20 years. We consider our marriage to be a great one.  

After all this time, we still feel intimately connected. But that intimacy is earned.

We take healthy risks – emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.

Whether that means having tough conversations with each other, an adventure we’ve never had before, a new sexual experience, sharing a spiritual awakening or something else.

I encourage you to take risks too. 

And not just relationship risks but personal risks. 

Do something that is as far from boring as possible.

Whether it’s confronting a work situation that you’ve avoided, taking that class you’ve had your eye on, booking a solo trip over a long-weekend, anything that gives you a new experience. Anything that offers you a new story to share. Anything that deepens the dimensions of who you are.

When I do this, or my partner does this, it gives us the opportunity to share something new at the end of the day.  We can talk about our edges. We inject new material into the fabric of our lives.

At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves.  We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge.

As a result, we become more interesting to each other. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship.

Overcoming boredom in your relationship starts with you and can have a beautiful ripple effect into your love.

 

Change your Mindset

If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back and look at your approach.  

Remember this: how you do anything is how you do everything.

It’s time to self-examine.

Ever hear of the “fixed mindset” versus the “growth mindset”?

In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or static qualities.  

In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work.

You want to adapt a growth mindset.

That means that you believe that you have the potential to evolve, to deepen your connection to each other, to bring life back into your love, to grow individually and as a couple.

But, it starts with you.

You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.

 

Overcome Boredom in your Relationship

If you’re feeling complacent, stuck, disconnected, boring, loveless, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back.  Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

  1. Where is my edge?
  2. Where am I challenging myself?
  3. How am I going to step into who I want to be?
  4. How can I be the kind of partner that I want to have?

Answer these questions separately, then come together to discuss. The answers will guide you to co-create a life and love that feels invigorating, inspiring and one that you look forward to engaging with. All of that is a far cry from a boring relationship or life.  

Remember, passion rises where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.

Become passionate about your life and your love — That’s a good place to start. ♥️

 

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

Do you fear that your past shows up in your current relationship?

Maybe statements like: “I don’t know how to trust, it’s not safe”, “I don’t know when to reach out, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone”, or perhaps “I don’t dwell on how I feel, it’s easier to just move on” are all too familiar for you or your partner.

Oftentimes, we latch on to thoughts of being flawed or not good enough or unworthy of love when trauma was a part of our childhood. If relationships are a source of fear, then absent, insecure or disorganized attachments leave a person feeling helpless or alone. The mind finds a way to cope. But sometimes, coping does not lead to healing and your trauma can creep into adult relationships.

Even if the person can’t name the aftereffects, they feel them. Whether it’s feeling like a lifelong victim, acting passive-aggressively when upset, retreating into passivity during conflict, or creating an inauthentic version of yourself – there are many ways childhood trauma affects adults in a relationship. It can also feel difficult to support someone with trauma, especially in a partnership.

Survivors of childhood trauma deserve love and security in a relationship. Forming a healthy relationship can be full of missteps and confusion, but fostering intimacy can be full of healing and growth. Let’s discuss how we can better understand the impact of trauma and help partners love and live better.

Seeing Childhood Trauma

Whether you or your partner has experienced trauma, the most important thing to remember is that (just like anyone) they want to be seen, heard, and understood. It starts with seeing the effects of trauma on your relationship. Do you and your partner experience:

  1. Disagreements fueled by emotions?
  2. Reactions heightened by common relationship issues?
  3. Aversions to conflict making talking through issues difficult?
  4. Assumptions that one person is against the other?
  5. Doubts about a partner’s love or faithfulness that linger?
  6. Issues accepting love, despite repeated reassurance?

Unhealed trauma is a deep wound and dynamic force in any partnership, which can amplify emotions and escalate issues. Whether it is you or your partner who has experienced childhood trauma, the language you use in conversation is critical to healing and growth in your relationship.

Talking Childhood Trauma

Building a stronger connection, healthier bond, and more intimate relationship requires a lot of communication. Talking about childhood trauma can be difficult and there are times when your current relationship will trigger those same fears. Learning how to navigate the conversation helps couples stay calm and collected as their understanding of trauma heals and grows their partnership. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Self-observation can slow down escalating emotions
  2. Mindfulness can raise awareness and identify triggers for each of you
  3. Phrasing can help you both stay grounded in the present

If during a conversation, something that is said or heard triggers an unwanted response or reaction then try redirecting the dialogue. You can use phrases like:

  1. “I wonder if we can slow this down or if we are heading into old territory”
  2. “It seems like we’re getting triggered. Can we figure out what’s going on with us?”
  3. “I’m thinking this could be something we should talk about in therapy.”

Healing childhood trauma is like healing a deep wound. It takes careful, hard work especially in an adult relationship. However, it is possible to replace old ways of being over time. And, finding a therapist who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, can be the next step to repairing old traumas.

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

Oprah recently did a report on 60 Minutes that discusses how trauma plays a role in childhood development and what new methods are being used to help people who have experienced it. The piece has been life-changing for many. You can watch it here.

So, the question is, how does childhood trauma affect adult relationships? It affects how we see, hear, and understand each other. In an intimate relationship, the triggers are bigger and the stakes are higher. Couples must do the work to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood in their partnership (especially when trauma is at work).

If you walk away learning one thing, walk away seeing, hearing, and understanding the difference between “What is wrong with you?” and “What happened to you?” The difference here in how you perceive and receive your partner is subtle but profound. The first question looks to fix the trauma with blaming language while the second question looks to comprehend their trauma with safe language.

Everyone deserves to love and live better. Whether you or your partner has survived childhood trauma, you can decide to work together to heal and grow in your relationship. The more we understand about childhood trauma, the more we foster intimacy in adult relationships.

How to Receive a Compliment

Does your partner struggle to receive a compliment?  

Do you struggle with accepting them?  

Do you dismiss compliments?  

When you allow yourself to take a compliment in and integrate it into your being, you participate in intimacy.

A personal share… A couple of years ago, I was part of a mentoring group that gave me tremendous, unwavering support. But when a new opportunity arose for me, I made the decision to leave the group.  

During our last meeting together, our lead mentor asked everyone to share what they appreciated about me and my contribution to the group.  I didn’t know this was going to happen. I received one compliment after another. Even though I made the decision to leave the group, I felt a huge wave of emotions during this exercise.

I took many deep breaths as I kept my feet grounded to the floor. With each inhalation, I allowed myself to take their compliments into my whole being. Feeling my breath in my body and feet on the floor helped me to stay grounded in what felt like an exercise of intimacy.  

My question to you is…

Do you allow yourself to stay present and take those moments in?  

Or, do you dismiss compliments and miss opportunities for deeper intimacy?  

Let’s discuss how to receive a compliment so you can stay grounded, present, and intimate with the one you love.

Dismissing Compliments

If you and your partner dismiss each other’s compliments, then you are dismissing intimate moments.  What does dismissal look like? It looks different for everyone and every relationship. Here are just a few examples of how your discomfort might show up:

  1. Laughing your way out of the compliment (using humor to deflect away from the compliment)
  2. Countering with another compliment (deflecting away from the self and onto your partner)
  3. Stopping the compliment from happening (totally blocking intimacy)  

When you do not know how to receive a compliment with ease and comfort, then your partner’s powerful acknowledgements have nowhere to land. If this describes you or your partner, then let’s talk about why. What are some of the reasons for dismissing compliments?

The Reasons Why

Intimacy starts with you and compliments are intimate. Consider how your personal history affects how you receive compliments. Do these apply?

  1. Self-esteem – When don’t feel good about yourself on the inside and someone offers you a compliment, the words don’t match how you see yourself. It’s difficult to take the beautiful words in if you don’t believe them yourself.
  2. Family of Origin – How did your family acknowledge each other? Were compliments encouraged or discouraged? Did your parents praise each other? As products of our environments, we often carry on the culture and traditions of our families of origin.
  3. Expectations – If someone “sees” you and expresses this through a compliment, then they may expect more from you. This may exceed how you see yourself. It may feel easier to dismiss their compliment than to fulfill what you imagine their expectation to be.

What’s true in almost any of these moments is this: Compliments are a practice in exposure, intimacy, and vulnerability. We all want to be recognized, to feel significant to someone else. That experience can feel welcome and simultaneously, overwhelming.

How to Receive a Compliment

You need to own your awesomeness! Remember, it all starts with you. It’s hard to give unto others if you yourself struggle to receive. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

  1. What do you feel good about?  

Implement a ritual of self-acknowledgment. Review your day daily. Ask yourself what you feel good about that day. Maybe you made it to the gym or made a good food choice or went the extra mile at work. Think about your accomplishments and feel good about yourself.  

2. What can you compliment in others?

Be generous in your recognition of others. Make your compliments authentic. If you are able to give genuine compliments to someone else, then it reinforces for you that compliments can be authentic acknowledgments of appreciation. This helps when you are on the receiving end.

3. How do you receive a compliment?

Work on being generous with yourself and generous with offering compliments to others. This practice will strengthen your ability to receive acknowledgment from others. Compliments will finally have a place to “land” within you because compliments, both giving and receiving, will feel familiar.

It starts with acknowledging yourself, so others can acknowledge you, too. If you see the good in yourself, then the ones you love can recognize the good in you, too. Learning how to receive a compliment is a powerful experience. You deserve to give and receive the good in your life.