Q. How can I overcome my premature ejaculating? I love sex but find I may avoid it or I don’t look forward to it the way I should because I’m afraid of not performing “up to par”
A. I’m not a fan of the term “premature ejaculation”. I list it on my website because this is how most people refer to it. Use of the word premature implies judgment, that ejaculation should be “mature”. The term immediately creates a sense of anxiety and fear about, as you put it, “not performing up to par”. So, let’s change the language to rapid ejaculation, which simply means, quick ejaculation, nothing more.
Did you know that 30% of men in the United States share your experience? There are many reasons that can contribute to rapid ejaculation, far too many for me to cite in this response. Luckily, rapid ejaculators have many tools at their disposal to help them along the way.
Medical: While I usually do not refer to medications as a first line of defense, I would be remiss if I did not share that some off label pharmacological treatments have been fairly successful in treatment, particularly SSRI’s. If you choose this route, I would advise seeking out medical treatment with a urologist who has a background with sexual dysfunctions.
Mechanical Devices: Penile rings (with or without vibration) may also be helpful since they can stop the urge to ejaculate too soon.
Desensitizing Creams/Sprays: There are creams or sprays on the market that you can use that help to desensitize sensation. If you use this with a partner, remember to also use a condom so that the product does not enter your partner’s body.
Self-Control: The technique that has proven most effective involves the stop-start technique. Cory Silverberg, sexuality educator and blogger for about.sexuality.com, breaks each step down in detail on his blog post. You can find it here. Of all your options, this technique helps you really understand your body’s sexual response so that you can gain greater control over when you want to ejaculate.
Videos: If you want to reference an educational video on rapid ejaculation, I would recommend You Can Last Longer by the Sinclair Institute. The video teaches both the stop/start technique and the squeeze technique. Note: the squeeze technique is not as effective as the stop-start technique.
Rapid ejaculation is something you can gain greater control over. Remember that you have to take the time to learn about your body’s sexual response. Practice repeatedly (initially on your own) and have patience with yourself.
I hope this list of options helps you create the relationship and sex life you deserve!