I recently found out that my partner had an affair with someone that I thought was only a one night stand.  This affair lasted for a year and I found out more details than I wish I knew.  Knowing what I do has caused me to question everything about myself.  I am caught in this cycle of comparison and it’s painful. One of the areas that I can’t seem to get through is how sexually active my partner was in the affair. Our sex life was sporadic at best in spite of my frequent attempts to create more opportunities for sex. At one point I walked up to my partner and said “want to F$%!” because I was so frustrated.  I failed at every attempt. We went 6 months without being intimate and this was before the affair even happened. Anyway, I want to try to work on our marriage. I need to be connected physically and when my partner doesn’t approach me or even pick up on my less than subtle attempts it feels like a rejection again.  I want to be sexual. I want to have a physical relationship. In the affair, there were no issues with being sexual for my partner. But with me, there is still this barrier even though my partner says they want to be with me and that they do feel aroused by me.  I’m lost….

In this video, I am sharing my thoughts on how to reconnect with your partner after they have had an affair.


My partner had an affair and I’m trying to figure out a way to reconnect sexually. How do we reconnect after the affair?


The fact that you are reaching out is a sign that you are still interested in intimacy and that is a good sign. Things are not as far gone as you might feel. There’s still hope.

Reconnecting after such a painful experience can be difficult but not impossible. In the question this person submitted, it is slanted toward them taking more responsibility than the betraying partner and what is most important is that you have to remember that you are both responsible.

It does not lie on one person’s shoulders. It is an interaction that occurs between at least two people.

So both people or if there’s more people involved are responsible for the sexual engagement, for the quality of that engagement, for the frequency of that engagement, for how intimate it feels, or for however you want to create your sex life.

It’s never dependent on the one person, so if you are the betrayed partner and you are feeling like you have to do all or most of the work, I want you to sort of do a self check about how much blame you’re putting on yourself for the state of your relationship. Look at your relationship before the affair and after the affair.

If you’re taking your too much responsibility and you need to figure out a way to shift the responsibility back onto your partner, there are some questions, key questions that your partner needs to be asking themselves and if they don’t know what those questions are, maybe you can have them watch this video.

One question for the involved partner to be asking himself or herself is what was different about me when I engaged with the affair partner?

Watch the video and learn more about how to refocus your sex life and reconnect after an affair.


This video isn’t a substitute for professional therapy and is for educational purposes only.

If you are seeking relationship help and are in the Haddonfield, NJ area please call our office to schedule a free consultation with our client care coordinator. www.myintimaterelationship.com or call us 1.856.208.6443


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