My partner had an affair.
I’m devastated. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know if I can move past the betrayal. I don’t think I can forgive the infidelity. But I’m still in love with my partner. What do I do?
Recovering from an affair is some of the hardest work for couples. When you’re going through the trauma of an affair, it is the lowest of the low in your partnership. There is a level of darkness that you didn’t know could descend on your love. The relationship doesn’t feel recoverable.
If this is you, there is hope. If you’re someone who has experienced betrayal or infidelity in your relationship, know that this doesn’t always have to mean the end. In fact, for so many couples, it marks a beginning.
Holding the Hope
If your partner has cheated and you’ve already made the decision to leave them – that this is a relationship rule that can’t be broken – then this email isn’t for you. That’s completely okay. You have a right to make that decision.
But, if you still love your partner and you don’t know what to do, that’s where I come in. Especially, when worry and doubt raise their ugly head. I am in your corner. My job is to hold the hope (and the roadmap) for couples who want to stay together.
Turning the Corner
I have worked with many couples caught in the grips of what I call Affair Despair. I’ve seen couples go from their own rock bottom to complete relationship transformation. And I can safely say that none of them thought it was possible.
Turning the corner doesn’t just happen. Couple’s don’t wake up one day reunited in bliss and joy. It’s a bumpy road for awhile but eventually, the journey becomes smoother.
Recovering from an Affair
Recovering from an affair can leave you feeling conflicted, even lost at times. It’s hard to imagine that couples can emerge stronger, solid and more in love than ever before.
Couples never cease to amaze me. Love never ceases to amaze me! What they are capable of doing is incredible. The level of resilience is extraordinary. With hard work, love can overcome relationship trauma. That is what our Affair Recovery Program is all about.
What is the Affair Recovery Program? Our program focuses on seven core areas to help you heal and rebuild after infidelity. We help you stabilize your crisis and make meaning out of your experience. This helps you know where you’ve been so that you can decide where you want to go.
We infuse Dr. Tammy Nelson’s framework for affair recovery which includes the following three phases:
The process of recovering from an affair looks and feels different for everyone. The process of moving from Crisis to Insight to Vision can take months or even years, depending on the couple. There is no right or wrong way to recover as long as you have a guide. The important thing is to put in the work so that you can eventually envision a future together.
When the Affair Consumes You
When an affair is discovered, it can feel crazy-making for all parties involved. The struggle is real. Here’s three tips for how to manage the consumption:
- Ride the Emotional Roller Coaster: Know that it’s completely normal to feel a wide range of emotions, sometimes all at the same time. You can love and hate your partner all in the same breath. Expect the roller coaster ride and know that it’s completely normal.
- Choose Your Disclosures Wisely: All of these emotions need an outlet. Say them to your partner, write them in a journal, or share with a trusted friend. A trusted friend is one who will not cast judgment on any decision you make about leaving or staying.
- Take Roller Coaster Breaks: As much as you may want to scream, shout, question and express your despair, at some point, you will need to create boundaries for yourself. It’s not fair to you or anyone else to hold affair talks 24/7. Get lost in marathon movies, go for walks or find your own way to take mental breaks from the trauma.
Don’t Go Through it Alone
If you’re going through something like this, if you’re looking for resources, don’t go through it alone. Recovering from an affair is very hard. It’s even hard when you’re working with a professional like myself. I hold the hope, the guidance, and the resources to help you to move from crisis to recovery.
Let me hold the space for hope, for love, for recovery, for healing in your relationship. Let me hold worry and doubt at arm’s length. Let me keep the negative from holding back your recovery process.