The 3 Keys to Create a Healthy Separation

I would love to say that therapy saves all relationships from separation. It does not. Some couples soar through the process reaching high levels of satisfaction, others settle for the status quo and still others decide to call it quits. If you have both decided that it’s time to end your long-term relationship or marriage, how do you create a healthy separation?

First, recognize that you are separating on three levels. Dr. Tammy Nelson has written that your relationship exists on various planes: emotional, physical and spiritual. Read below to learn about these three planes and why it will benefit you to discuss them with your partner.

1) Your emotional plane involves all the feelings that you’ve had for each other over time. These range from the attraction that drew you to each other, to the developed love, joy and laughter that you shared, you know, “the good times”. But the emotional plane also includes the tough emotions such as anger, resentment, frustration, fear and/or jealousy. Ultimately, it includes the sadness that you both might feel with the lack of resolve for your problems.

2) Your physical plane involves your living arrangement. You may own a house together. All that has gone into creating your home, your physical belongings, the separation of “stuff”, of money, need to be discussed. While these are temporary material possessions, couples become attached to them for reasons of security, memories and/or entitlement. If you struggle to separate the belongings on your own, hire a mediator to help you.

3) Your spiritual plane includes the hope you once had for the future together. This aspect is most important to discuss. It includes the life you both envisioned that didn’t pan out, the family that you created or planned to create, the caring of in-laws as they passed through the door of death. The spiritual plane holds deep memories and potentially feels the most wounded.

Why talk about all of these things with your partner? To create a healthy separation, you must allow yourselves to grieve what you don’t have anymore. Separations get nasty when partners try to plow through them without attempting to stay connected to each other during the process. Even if you think the separation is your partner’s “fault”, you both still experience grief. The grief will not end once discussed but you begin to release the grief when you share it with your partner.

It’s important to remember that neither one of you entered your committed partnership with the goal of ending it. You both dreamed, exchanged visions of a shared life together and indeed began to create a life together. Holding this truth in your mind and heart will help you maintain compassion for your partner – yes, even if he/she cheated on you.

If you stay in the blame game, consider that you might choose this to avoid harder feelings like grief and sadness.  It certainly feels more powerful to blame someone than it does to feel sadness and disappointment. Blaming is a way to avoid difficult feelings as well as the ownership of how you too contributed to relationship’s decline.

Keep in mind that this exercise is particularly helpful if you have children. When children are involved, the pain of separation/divorce is amplified. Now you are not only grieving your vision of family but you also grieve for your children’s experience of family.

Have these difficult discussions with your partner for the sake of your children but more importantly have them for you. The more you can stay connected to each other during the separation process, the healthier the dynamics will be for all of you after you separate.

Ultimately the goal behind a healthy separation is to help you forgive your partner and yourself. When you reach the phase of forgiveness, the difficult feelings fade into the background. When you forgive, you make room for new opportunities to love again.

Can You Prevent Your Relationship from Ending?

Can you prevent your relationship from ending?

A client, whose partner has distanced themselves significantly from him, said, “I live like she’s gone”. He said, “I make all the beds, clean the whole house, get the kids to school, you know, everything that I’d have to do if she wasn’t there because she may not be there anymore anyway”. He admitted that if he had done more of these things before, he might not be in this situation. His partner refuses couples therapy at this time. How often do we wait until our partners are almost gone to step up in our relationship, whether domestically, emotionally or physically?

Loss prompts us to finally look, to see the person before us, to appreciate them more fully, to participate more.

It reminds me of that phrase, “It’s on my bucket list”. We need the inevitability of death to prompt us to live a full life. It’s the same with relationships. If we consciously know our relationship is in jeopardy, we step up more. We love greater, show more affection, try to schedule dates, dress better, clean up, buy flowers, do more chores, work harder. If your partner said, “[Your name], I’m just not happy in this relationship/marriage/partnership. I love you but I want more. I think we may need to separate.”. What feelings does that evoke in you? What would you do to save the relationship?

While some couples weather these storms, others do not make it.

Chronic dissatisfaction can cause one partner to stop loving the other. The feelings die. Then there is loss. What causes this dynamic and how do we prevent it?

First, and most importantly, you must communicate what you feel, long before you stop loving your mate.

Do not hold it in. Holding it in creates resentment and anger. Your partner is not a mind reader. Do not assume that he/she “should just know” what you want or that your hints are clear expressions. Say what you want to your partner, directly, in a way that supports both you and your partner. Build collaborative dialogue into your communication.

Second, check-in with each other frequently to ask how you are both doing.

Are your wants/needs met? What does your partner need? Too often, we assume that the person we initially committed to is the same, even after months or years. We assume that what he/she liked or wanted then is what he/she likes and wants now. We all change, grow and evolve. As a loving partner, your role is to continually ask questions, take an interest, be curious about who you’re partner is today, tomorrow and all days that follow.

Third, remember that each and every day, you choose to be together.

You both have the choice to leave on any given day. Stating your commitment formally or informally does not guarantee that your partner will always be there. Know this: A greater guarantee of relationship success involves conscious communication, attention, teamwork and loving expression. My client sits in the discomfort of marital discord, potential loss of his nuclear family and deep regret and sadness. While he knows he cannot change the past, he makes every attempt now to do what he can to save his marriage. He keeps trying despite the awareness that it may be too late. He practices self-examination and humbly holds himself accountable for his actions. However, he cannot save his relationship by himself and he has a partner who will not come into therapy.

So, can you prevent your relationship from ending?

Value your partner and your relationship now. Today. Communicate effectively, directly and lovingly today. Start now before your partner says that it’s just too late.