4 Steps That Create Compassion in the Face of Conflict

Do you remember George and Karen*?

Always fighting to win the battle between them? Their quest for victory left no room for compassionate dialogue. I am not anti-conflict. In fact, I see conflict as an important and healthy component in relationship when used constructively.

Conflict serves as a catalyst for change.

Conflict demonstrates healthy differentiation, meaning that it helps to clearly identify the differences between partners.  Conflict can mobilize partners into action.

Whether or not that happens depends on how you manage the conflict and what you do with the information presented. Resolution does not always occur in one nicely packaged conversation.  It may take several discussions before partners can settle their differences.

Settling for some might mean “agreeing to disagree”. For others, it might mean one person puts their desires aside to meet the desires of the other. Or, the ideal solution might arise. This occurs when both partners identify their most important desires and find a solution that meets both of their needs.

However, none of that can happen without some level of compassion. So when I worked with George and Karen, I guided them toward a more compassionate presence with the following 4 step approach:

Step #1:

Tell me your story (your interpretation of events)

Step #2:

Let me tell you what I just heard you say

Step #3:

Let me tell you what parts of your story make sense to me (if the whole story does not make any sense to you, look for parts of the story that do – can you make sense of any of this?)

Step #4:

Based on this understanding, share how I might contribute to this problem as you see it

This construct required George to search for aspects of Karen’s story that made sense to him. For George, it made sense that Karen felt he acted differently around her family. By making sense of her story, he developed compassion for her. Compassion lowered his defenses. With a more open heart, he was able to admit that, yes, when they spent time with her family, he became distant, not just from them, but from her too.

Karen developed compassion as well. She was able to make sense of how George often felt smothered by her family.  When she stopped defending her story, she was able to admit that her family can be overbearing. She understood why he retreated, even though she did not like it. In fact, she admitted that sometimes, she wished she could retreat too.

What a different conversation! Instead of attacking, denying and defending, George and Karen made room for each other’s experience and actively sought to make sense of what felt extraordinarily offensive.

This approach works well when both partners share their interpretations, when both partners search for aspects of their partner’s perspective that makes sense and when both partner’s demonstrate some level of accountability.

Share these four steps with your partner. Keep them in mind when you have your next difficult conversation. Know that it may take several tries before you finally shift into lowering your defenses.

If you find that you remain stuck in unhealthy conflict, I’m just a phone call or email away.

*George and Karen are fictitious names to protect client confidentiality

Can You Prevent Your Relationship from Ending?

Can you prevent your relationship from ending?

A client, whose partner has distanced themselves significantly from him, said, “I live like she’s gone”. He said, “I make all the beds, clean the whole house, get the kids to school, you know, everything that I’d have to do if she wasn’t there because she may not be there anymore anyway”. He admitted that if he had done more of these things before, he might not be in this situation. His partner refuses couples therapy at this time. How often do we wait until our partners are almost gone to step up in our relationship, whether domestically, emotionally or physically?

Loss prompts us to finally look, to see the person before us, to appreciate them more fully, to participate more.

It reminds me of that phrase, “It’s on my bucket list”. We need the inevitability of death to prompt us to live a full life. It’s the same with relationships. If we consciously know our relationship is in jeopardy, we step up more. We love greater, show more affection, try to schedule dates, dress better, clean up, buy flowers, do more chores, work harder. If your partner said, “[Your name], I’m just not happy in this relationship/marriage/partnership. I love you but I want more. I think we may need to separate.”. What feelings does that evoke in you? What would you do to save the relationship?

While some couples weather these storms, others do not make it.

Chronic dissatisfaction can cause one partner to stop loving the other. The feelings die. Then there is loss. What causes this dynamic and how do we prevent it?

First, and most importantly, you must communicate what you feel, long before you stop loving your mate.

Do not hold it in. Holding it in creates resentment and anger. Your partner is not a mind reader. Do not assume that he/she “should just know” what you want or that your hints are clear expressions. Say what you want to your partner, directly, in a way that supports both you and your partner. Build collaborative dialogue into your communication.

Second, check-in with each other frequently to ask how you are both doing.

Are your wants/needs met? What does your partner need? Too often, we assume that the person we initially committed to is the same, even after months or years. We assume that what he/she liked or wanted then is what he/she likes and wants now. We all change, grow and evolve. As a loving partner, your role is to continually ask questions, take an interest, be curious about who you’re partner is today, tomorrow and all days that follow.

Third, remember that each and every day, you choose to be together.

You both have the choice to leave on any given day. Stating your commitment formally or informally does not guarantee that your partner will always be there. Know this: A greater guarantee of relationship success involves conscious communication, attention, teamwork and loving expression. My client sits in the discomfort of marital discord, potential loss of his nuclear family and deep regret and sadness. While he knows he cannot change the past, he makes every attempt now to do what he can to save his marriage. He keeps trying despite the awareness that it may be too late. He practices self-examination and humbly holds himself accountable for his actions. However, he cannot save his relationship by himself and he has a partner who will not come into therapy.

So, can you prevent your relationship from ending?

Value your partner and your relationship now. Today. Communicate effectively, directly and lovingly today. Start now before your partner says that it’s just too late.