10 Tips for Your Everyday Love

Everyday Love

Just like you might feel that you “should” celebrate Valentine’s Day today, I feel like I “should” blog about Valentine’s Day because I work with so many couples.

So let me say from the beginning that this blog is not about Valentine’s Day.

It’s about everyday love.

  • Every day, take some time to express your love through non-sexual touch.  Hug, hold hands, a back rub…
  • Every day, explicitly appreciate your beloved.  Say “thank you” to things he/she might do whether it is for you personally or it’s to take care of your shared home or something else.
  • Every day, actively listen to your partner’s stories of the day. If you lack the energy, say so, do not just tune out. Table that conversation for another time.
  • Every day, share your feelings, even if you feel things that your partner may not want know.
  • Every day, make some form of sexual contact with each other. This can be small or large, an extended kiss, a stroke of their genitals, sexy spooning in bed before getting up. This can lead to more, or not.
  • Every day, offer your partner a minimum of 1 compliment. Keep it real, do not make it up. He/She will know.
  • Every day, be honest.
  • Every day, make a mental note of gratitude for your partner on that day. Recognize that you had the gift of another day together, no matter how that day went.
  • Every day, practice compassion toward your partner.
  • Every day, ask yourself, “How can I be the kind of partner I’d like to have?”

Is it nice to celebrate Valentine’s Day, get flowers and go out to dinner? 

Sure it is. But for some, its effects are temporary, if that, because they don’t cultivate a shared, rich love on a daily basis.

Instead of having such intense focus on Valentine’s Day, strive to cultivate this practice daily.

As someone who is in a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship for 20+ years, I can tell you firsthand that these statements matter.

You may not do them all on each day but your efforts matter.

Mindfulness matters. Consciousness matters. Gratitude matters.

Cherish your beloved each and every day.

Why Your Relationship Disappoints You

John and Kim came into therapy due to financial differences. Partnered for many years, they kept separate bank accounts. John always thought they would join their bank accounts but Kim assumed they would always keep finances separate.

Sara and Joe were married for three years and had an active sex life during courtship. Sara particularly enjoyed receiving oral sex from Joe but shortly after getting married, Joe stopped performing it. He claimed he didn’t enjoy it, despite having performed it numerous times prior to marriage.

Betty and Bob had a planned pregnancy after partnering for 5 years. Bob always thought that Betty would be a stay at home mom. A successful sales woman, Betty assumed that the baby would to go daycare and she could return to work.

Kate and Meredith finally had the baby they always wanted. Kate looked forward to nurturing their trio but Meredith wanted her mom, Phyllis, over every week so Phyllis could bond with her grandchild. Kate had a different postpartum vision.

Vinnie and Maria both grew up in Italian families. Vinnie assumed that once they were married, they would cook Sunday dinner for the extended family weekly. Maria worked 60 hours per week and had no intention of hosting elaborate weekly dinners.

What do these five couples have in common? Each couple experiences a disruption in their contract. When a couple commits to a long term relationship, each individual holds certain expectations. When stated out loud, couples may find agreement or work out their differences. However, all couples also carry unspoken contracts or expectations. When these are not met, the unspoken contract becomes a wedge in the partnership.

In couples therapy, we help to unpack the various levels of your unspoken contracts. Whether we discuss money, sex, religion, extended family, family planning, employment or parenting, our work focuses on helping you find a way to bridge your contract differences.

Communication prior to moving in together certainly helps uncover these unspoken expectations but will not catch them all. Some of your expectations are not fully known to you.  They often relate to the dynamics in your family of origin – the contract being to replicate those dynamics or to create the opposite dynamic.

If you currently experience a wedge between you and your partner, consider what’s in your unspoken contract that has suddenly emerged.

  • How does this expectation tie back to your family of origin?
  • By holding this expectation, what are you trying to avoid?
  • By holding this expectation, what do you want to replicate?
  • Were you aware of this prior to committing to your partner?
  • Did you ever discuss this with your partner?

Once you answer these questions, discuss your responses. Ask your partner to answer the same questions. Once you’ve discussed your differences, you must ask:

  • Can I be flexible?
  • What would happen if I flexed my expectations?
  • What scares me about being more flexible?

For some partners, their expectations leave no room for negotiation. Your partner needs to know this so he/she can decide whether they have flexibility. If not, hard decisions must be made. For this phase of the conversation, I encourage you to search deeply. What are you holding onto?

A friend of mine once told me that his relationship success is due to not having expectations. I do not believe that to be true. We all hold certain expectations and expect our partners to fulfill our contracts. We just may not realize we have them.