The “P” Word: Is It Okay to Watch?

Is Porn Accepted in Your Relationship?

Many couples have conflicts about the role of pornography in their relationship. You may flat out refuse to allow it. You might sneak your viewing and keep it a secret. You may view porn as cheating. You might use it to learn about sex or secret fetishes. Or, as a couple, you may use porn to get even sexier together.

 

Are any of those right or wrong? Is it addictive?

Sex therapists are divided about whether or not viewing porn is an addiction. Some researchers say an absolute yes, others say it’s not. Some say it hurts relationships, others argue it actually helps relationships.

At our Center, we’ve seen both sides of the argument. Benefits have included how porn has helped couples overcome issues of sexual inhibition, connect with content that sits outside of conventional sexual norms, helped couples become more sexually engaged with each other as well as bring couples closer together.

On the flip side, we’ve also seen how pornography has contributed to obsessive viewing for some partners, increased erectile dysfunction for some males, negatively impacted sexual expectations within partnerships as well as the affected identity, performance, and gender roles in sex.

There are no one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to the role of pornography in your sex life. Each partner and partnership is unique.

At CIR, we believe couples should have open and honest discussions about the role of pornography in their lives. This should include where and how you think it could help enhance your sex life, as well as how it taps into your vulnerabilities, fears, and concerns. These discussions should be on-going, not a one-time conversation.

 

In addition, for couples who choose to view porn, we highly encourage that couples only view “Ethical Pornography” (typically created by women) where:

  • Actor safety and full consent is the highest priority of the company
  • Natural body types, all skin colors, and orientations are featured
  • Workers are paid fair, adequate wages under safe and clean working conditions
  • Workers can refuse any scenes outside of their comfort zone
  • Sex positivity, advocacy, and empowerment are emphasized
  • Films NEVER include the use of drugs, alcohol, force, abuse, endangerment, minors and/or non-consensual sex

So yes, healthy porn viewing requires that you do your research. Unfortunately, pornography can be exploitive, unethical and abusive. This poses considerable cause for concern, especially when it comes to children and adolescents. Kids can easily stumble upon inappropriate websites. We encourage the highest levels of safety and caution to prevent children and teens from viewing content that could traumatize them.

 

Here are some additional tips on healthy use of pornography:

  • Porn is designed for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. Erotic scenes are comprised of scripts, actors, lights and cameras. Porn is not a means of sex education.
  • Your greatest source of sex education is your partner, research books and/or films designed for educational purposes only.
  • Porn is not a replacement for your partner. While it can be enjoyed solo, if you find yourself turning more to films than to your partner, it’s time to take a break from viewing. Spend time reconnecting with your partner instead.
  • If you enjoy sexual fantasy but never really want to experience it in real time, porn can help you explore fantasies safely without having to enact them (of course, as long as it follows the guidelines above).
  • Sharing porn viewing with your partner can help build sexual trust and intimacy together, while also fueling sex positivity and sexual empowerment.

Overall, we encourage you to introduce the topic to your partner. Start by having an honest conversation. Treat your relationship as unique, sacred and intimate. Hold each other’s views with care. Beware of absolutism. See where the conversation takes you.

Note: If you and/or your partner struggle with out of control sexual behavior, sometimes called sex addiction, which may or may not include porn viewing, we suggest you speak with a professional that specializes in that area.

Why Your Relationship Disappoints You

John and Kim came into therapy due to financial differences. Partnered for many years, they kept separate bank accounts. John always thought they would join their bank accounts but Kim assumed they would always keep finances separate.

Sara and Joe were married for three years and had an active sex life during courtship. Sara particularly enjoyed receiving oral sex from Joe but shortly after getting married, Joe stopped performing it. He claimed he didn’t enjoy it, despite having performed it numerous times prior to marriage.

Betty and Bob had a planned pregnancy after partnering for 5 years. Bob always thought that Betty would be a stay at home mom. A successful sales woman, Betty assumed that the baby would to go daycare and she could return to work.

Kate and Meredith finally had the baby they always wanted. Kate looked forward to nurturing their trio but Meredith wanted her mom, Phyllis, over every week so Phyllis could bond with her grandchild. Kate had a different postpartum vision.

Vinnie and Maria both grew up in Italian families. Vinnie assumed that once they were married, they would cook Sunday dinner for the extended family weekly. Maria worked 60 hours per week and had no intention of hosting elaborate weekly dinners.

What do these five couples have in common? Each couple experiences a disruption in their contract. When a couple commits to a long term relationship, each individual holds certain expectations. When stated out loud, couples may find agreement or work out their differences. However, all couples also carry unspoken contracts or expectations. When these are not met, the unspoken contract becomes a wedge in the partnership.

In couples therapy, we help to unpack the various levels of your unspoken contracts. Whether we discuss money, sex, religion, extended family, family planning, employment or parenting, our work focuses on helping you find a way to bridge your contract differences.

Communication prior to moving in together certainly helps uncover these unspoken expectations but will not catch them all. Some of your expectations are not fully known to you.  They often relate to the dynamics in your family of origin – the contract being to replicate those dynamics or to create the opposite dynamic.

If you currently experience a wedge between you and your partner, consider what’s in your unspoken contract that has suddenly emerged.

  • How does this expectation tie back to your family of origin?
  • By holding this expectation, what are you trying to avoid?
  • By holding this expectation, what do you want to replicate?
  • Were you aware of this prior to committing to your partner?
  • Did you ever discuss this with your partner?

Once you answer these questions, discuss your responses. Ask your partner to answer the same questions. Once you’ve discussed your differences, you must ask:

  • Can I be flexible?
  • What would happen if I flexed my expectations?
  • What scares me about being more flexible?

For some partners, their expectations leave no room for negotiation. Your partner needs to know this so he/she can decide whether they have flexibility. If not, hard decisions must be made. For this phase of the conversation, I encourage you to search deeply. What are you holding onto?

A friend of mine once told me that his relationship success is due to not having expectations. I do not believe that to be true. We all hold certain expectations and expect our partners to fulfill our contracts. We just may not realize we have them.