Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

 

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum.  In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things.  If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple.  Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes.  Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work.  My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers.  You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents.  And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality.  It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within.  Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.  

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected.  You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being.  But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you.  It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect.  Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

  1. The couple feels stressed out by life
  2. One partner wants more sex than the other
  3. One or both partners have had affairs
  4. The couple struggles with parenting challenges
  5. The couple holds different marital expectations
  6. One partner is depressed or anxious
  7. One partner is a functional alcoholic
  8. One or both partners have body image issues
  9. One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
  10. One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is.  As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them.  Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work.  As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better.  At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun! 

The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

Are you living in a sexless marriage?  Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about.  You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services.  This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships.  In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.  

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

  1. First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
  2. Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life.  You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
  3. Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down.  This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple.  Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second.  I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body.  You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low?  You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

  • Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
  • Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
  • Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
  • Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
  • Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
  • Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage.  You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it!  Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being.  I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship

Is there Humor in your relationship?

Do you laugh at yourself?  Or, do you take yourself too seriously?  Laughter can be THE best medicine.  A good sense of humor can strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know some sessions are hard.  

Other sessions not so much; perhaps less heavy, less intense. Let me share a story with you of how one couple turned a difficult session into a breakthrough with humor.  

I had been seeing this couple for a few months.  

They had lots of conflict and worked hard on their relationship.  

During our session, I shared a thought of mine. Suddenly, I noticed a smirk on the one partner’s face.  I looked at him and said, “I see you smirking! What are you thinking right now?”

Then, he just started laughing. He repeated the thought I had just shared with them, verbatim, and sarcastically called it “therapy gold, a real master’s level summary.”  

When he reflected my statement back to me, I realized how funny it was, as did his spouse.

I kid you not, when I share that all three of us – him, his spouse, and me – broke out into hysterical laughter.  

It was the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.  

The kind of laughter where you have a hard time regaining your composure.  

It took all of us a while to get back to business, and we laughed about it for multiple sessions.  

But, it reminded us of the power of humor and how it can transform a difficult moment, conversation or conflict into a different kind of experience.

Therapy Isn’t Always Hard

There are two reasons why I’m telling you this story.

  1. Humor strengthens your relationship with anyone, including during therapy. What an amazing gift, when you have that kind of rapport and trust with your therapist – so much so that you can lightly poke fun at them; everyone can laugh about it and all parties have a good time.  For me, humor is symbolic of the quality of our relationship.    
  2. Therapy isn’t always intense or hard.  Depending on the session, what we’re talking about, and the level of humor you practice in your life, there can be funny moments.  I have experienced intense humor and hard laughter in my office.  Sometimes clients are poking fun at their own idiosyncrasies; sometimes they are poking fun at me.  

Stories like this also remind me of the role of humor in my own marriage.  

My husband and I have the ability to laugh at ourselves. And, that’s really how humor starts.  

If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re most likely too hard on yourself. Lack of humor robs you of the playfulness that life has to offer.

You’ll miss out on how humor transforms and strengthens your relationship. Because laughter is like a relief of pressure in an already pressured world.  

How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship

When’s the last time you laughed?  (I’m talking about doubled-over, cheeks-hurting, tears-popping-out-your-eyes laughter.)  Humor not only strengthens your relationship, it’s just plain good for you! Here are six (somewhat unexpected) health benefits of laughter:

  1. It burns calories!  Laughter is actually like exercise.
  2. It strengthens your core.  Laughter literally works your midsection.
  3. It increases your heart rate, which increases circulation in your body.
  4. It decreases stress.  When you decrease stress, you increase your immune system.
  5. It can lower blood sugar.  Lower blood sugar boosts your mood.
  6. It improves your quality of life.  Laughter truly helps you see the world differently.

Love. Live. Laughter.

So, I ask again – Do you laugh at yourself?  

I promise that humor strengthens your relationship with your partner.  If you laugh jokingly and mutually (that’s key), then you won’t take yourself so seriously and you will be more tolerant.  Humor and laughter are part of what brings harmony and aliveness to our relationships.