In Part 3 of our series that focuses on how to talk about sex, I address the sexual myth “sex should be spontaneous”. Many couples question their relationship when sex stops happening. When I suggest scheduling sex, they might even balk at me and tell me this turns them off. I don’t know about you but scheduled sex seems sexier to me than no sex at all.
In this 5-part series, I have referenced A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex written by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. where she writes about 5 types of sex talk. So far, we covered Kitchen Table Sex Talk and Provocative Sex Talk. Let’s explore the third recommendation:
“Let’s Have Sex” Talk – intention
In long-term relationships, spontaneous sex becomes a rare occurrence, especially if you have children. Yet resistance to scheduled sex lives strong. You recall when your relationship was new, “sex happened spontaneously all the time”. Did it really?
I challenge many couples to think back to those early courtship days. More than likely, each partner primped and prepped before each date. While the desire for sex may not have been verbally stated, the date was always premeditated. You planned, groomed and flirted in an effort to create sexual tension.
Dr. Laurie Mintz writes that “you did this so well that this choreographed dance of seduction looked effortless”. Built-up passion became confused with spontaneity”.
The Let’s Have Sex Talk is about intention. Have a conversation with your partner. Let them know that you want to be with them sexually. You can say, “I miss being with you and want to have sex with you. Would you like to?”
If this feels too formal, you can co-create a playful code phrase like “ice cream” and say, “I really want some ice cream tonight, how about you?”, “What do you desire, single or double scoop?” (wink wink)
Keep in mind that if your partner attempts to schedule sex with you and you can not get your sexual energy up, decline gently, lovingly and with a Plan B, such as “I really want to be with you but I’m so preoccupied tonight. Why don’t we try for Sunday morning?”
Your sexual relationship sets you apart from being “just friends”. If you both live in a committed monogamous relationship, remember that your partner can only get this sexual connection with you. If sex isn’t happening spontaneously, scheduling sex might just be what you both need right now. You can make this fun and try some Provocative Sex Talks to turn scheduled sexy into juicy sex!
PS: This and other material will be explored further during June’s class, Sexy Mama! Ignite Your Passion, (a class specifically for mom’s with low libidos post-kids). If you are a mama with lost libido – we can help you find it! Join us on June 12th! Early Bird Special ends June 6th! Pre-registration required.