Now that you’ve learned how to talk about sex before it starts happening, how do you do it while sex is happening? Based on a book by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., titled A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. she breaks this down into five key areas.
In-The-Midst Sex Talk
Making Requests: When you say words that demonstrate pleasure, your partner will recognize this and keep going. Use direct words such as Yes, More, Harder, Softer, Now. Give yourself permission to also express when something is not working such as Not so hard, Stop, Try this, Here’s how I like it, That feels good but I really like this…, Can you do it this way?
Making Decisions Together: Make joint decisions about what happens as sex happens. If you want something specific from your partner, ask for it verbally, such as “I really want you to suck my/lick my/bite my…, do you want to?”, or “I want to be on top, would you like that?” It’s important that all questions are answered so that the sexual experience is co-created, not dominated by one person (and if domination is your thing, remember communication lives at the core of any healthy d/s relationship). Remember, when you say these statements while in your breathy passionate moment, they can be incredibly sexy.
Improving Sex As It Happens: No two sexual encounters are alike, even if they follow the same general routine. One day, that routine might send you to the moon. On another day, you might struggle to stay present. Not all sexual encounters will be fireworks! If your partner seems distant or disconnected, check in with them about it. A simple, softly whispered, “Are you ok?” or “You seem far away” might be just what your partner needs to hear. It is imperative that partners speak honestly here. “I want to be with you but I can’t stop thinking” or “I’m worried about that meeting tomorrow” might be enough to disempower the run-on thoughts and help you return more fully to your partner.
Checking Out Assumptions: If you find yourself holding back in sex, you might assume that your partner does not want to do certain things sexually. Ask! Your partner might pleasantly surprise you!
Expressing It’s Hot and Making It Hotter: Grunts, moans, groans, sighs and heavy breathing can spice up sex! Dr. Mintz notes that some scientists hypothesize that sex sounds directly link to physiology and arousal of the central nervous system. This also demonstrates decreased inhibition and for some, more mindful sex, since verbal sounds redirect you to the moment and decreases distraction.
Stay tuned for How To Talk About Sex, Part 5 of 5: After-Glow Sex Talk!