What Sex-Ed Didn’t Teach You 

Wouldn’t it be great if our parents and the systems at large helped us learn, at an early age, about how to be in a sexual relationship with someone else?

In couples and sex therapy, the majority of individuals and couples that I work with tell me that their parents never talked to them about sex when they were kids. Most bawk at the sex-ed programs held in school. 

Those that received sex ed in school, learned about the anatomy of sex, puberty and STDs.

No one ever taught them about how to be in a sexual relationship with another. 

Sexual feelings typically start during puberty. Yet it’s in those years that adults often turn away from the subject of sex – due to their own discomforts and inhibitions. It’s an “I don’t want to know about it, la la la” attitude that fails all of us as adolescents. Then, as adults, we wonder why the heck we feel so awkward just talking about sex, let alone engaging in it. 

Healthy sexuality stretches far beyond physical anatomy and sexual diseases. It involves understanding your own sexual identity and what it means to be in a sexual relationship – whether that’s a long-term relationship or a one-night stand. 

The Comlexity of a Sexual Relationship 

The complexity of sexual relationships includes understanding one’s own sexual body responses, the emotional landscape that accompanies sex, attraction as dynamic, not static, how sexual desire manifests, multiple ways of achieving sexual pleasure, what stimulates or shuts down arousal, the impact of sexual rejection and so much more.

Unless you’re self-pleasuring alone, sex is a relational experience. Yes, we also have a relationship with ourselves but for the sake of this article, I’m referring to the way we relate to our sexual partners.  So many folks lack the tools to navigate the “relational” part of sex. 

This can manifest into such problems as not communicating clearly and directly about sex, misunderstanding partner advances or rejections, lack of sexual satisfaction, goal-oriented sex over pleasure-oriented sex, pressure to have sex when it’s not wanted, sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasm, sexual disappointment and/or sexual preferences never shared.

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships 

In a healthy sexual relationship, sex is a shared, relational experience. It’s where partners can communicate fiercely through physical contact alone. Yet it’s also a space where sexual conversations are welcome. Curiosities, desires and fears are shared.  Compassion and empathy are demonstrated. Vulnerability is risked, contained and honored. 

As a relationship and sex therapist, I’m constantly learning new ways to help my clients deepen their understanding of themselves and each other when it comes to sex.  I also help my clients foster a sex-positive mindset. I found a great, simple resource online that I’d like to share with you.

Explore Your Sexual Health 

The University of Louisville has online resources in their campus health department for their students. One of the subject areas is sexual health. The site demonstrates a non-shaming approach to sex ed and helps students foster a sex-positive mindset. 

One of their resources is a Sexual Health Bill of Rights. I’ve included it below. 

Before reading all 16 Rights, I invite you to travel down memory lane. Try to remember yourself as a pre-teen, teenager or young adult. Think about the home you grew up in. Try to remember your early awareness about sex and your own sexuality. Who were you then? What sexual messages surrounded you?

Once you’ve conjured the memory up in your mind, take a moment to read all 16 rights below. Pause after each one. Think about how it relates to your adolescent years and adult years. Notice if the response is the same or different.

Sexual Health Bill of Rights 

1. I have the right to own my own body.
2. I have a right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions and perceptions.
3. I have a right to trust my own values about sexual conduct.
4. I have a right to set my own sexual limits.
5. I have a right to say no.
6. I have a right to say yes.
7. I have the right to experience sexual pleasure.
8. I have the right to remain celibate.
9. I have the right to be sexually assertive.
10. I have the right to be the initiator in a sexual relationship.
11. I have the right to be in control of my sexual experiences.
12. I have the right to have a loving partner.
13. I have a right to my sexual orientation and preferences.
14. I have the right to have a partner who respects me, understands me and is willing to communicate with me.
15. I have a right to talk to my partner about incest/child abuse/rape.
16. I have a right to ask questions and receive sexually accurate information.

What might you add to this list that’s not already there? What’s missing that might relate to you specifically?

Sex and Your Intimate Relationship 

Couples get tripped up on so many of the nuances that come along with sex. Consider how the sexual health bill of rights ties into any problem areas for you. Let’s explore a few together. 

Bill of Rights #3: What does it mean to trust your own values about sexual conduct? If you’re not sure, ask yourself, “what do I value about sexual behavior?”. Do you value when your partner asks permission to touch you a certain way? Or, perhaps, you value the element of surprise? Maybe you value feeling safe. If so, what behaviors support that? 

Bill of Rights #9: If you have the right to be in control of your sexual experiences, and your partner has the same right, who actually has control? Who’s in charge when it comes to sex? What does control look like behaviorally? How does control become a shared experience? 

Bill of Rights #15: If you experienced sexual abuse or a sexual violation in your past, have you told your partner? Does this experience impact how you experience sex now? Do you worry what your partner would think if he/she/they knew? How would that impact your relationship?

Sex is Relational

Sex is relational but it starts with you. 

Consider your own sexual story, history, identity, expression, permissions and limits. Use the Sexual Health Bill of Rights to help you explore your own sexuality. Consider who you were as a young sexually developing person and who you are now as a sexually active or inactive adult. Where are the parallels, connections, intersections? 

But don’t stop there! Ask your partner to do the same. Your sexual stories, both past and present, are powerful. They help you understand who you are as a sexual being and as a sexual couple. 

And…your story keeps evolving.  As a couple, it’s up to you to create each new chapter. Be courageous authors! Make it epic.