Is Your Relationship Boring?
During the pandemic I had to confront reality about myself… and my marriage. “I” and “We” were boring. Sure, the pandemic limited the world in many ways.
But I couldn’t use the pandemic as a scapegoat. I personally teetered on the status of “bored, flat and uninteresting” for a bit of time. As my spouse and I often tell our young boys, “If you’re bored, it’s because you’re boring”.
Sure I’ve worn many hats in life and accomplished many goals. But most of my “interests” hovered around work activities and parenting life. I didn’t seem to have anything for or about me, or just for having fun.
Nurturing a career and all-in parenting can consume anyone. It’s easy to lose sense of self under the demands, responsibilities and goals of both.
How To Know If You Are Boring
For one, I found that I talked about the same subjects all of the time. I didn’t seem to have anything new to offer to a given conversation. I also didn’t have any real hobbies. I wasn’t venturing out into the world in new ways.
My life consisted of getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, going to bed, and repeating it all the next day. Weekends consisted of chores and Netflix.
Then the pandemic came along and magnified my boring status. Only this time, it also included stress, despair, uncertainty, and anger.
And worse, my dull and ho-hum status bled into my marriage. We were both on a path of monotony that required emergency attention!
As a relationship, marriage, and sex therapist, I’m all too aware of how boredom and monotony can zap the energy and spark out of an intimate relationship. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I’ve created private, online programs for couples to get their spark back.
I’ve managed to get myself out of the “boring” rut. And I started this BEFORE the pandemic ended. Before I share some of the ways I transformed from boring into interesting and hence breathed life back into my life and marriage, let’s better understand what’s required to get there.
How To Transform From Boring to Interesting
Shifting from boring to interesting requires you to evolve, expand and grow. My own experience felt like a static state of being. Unmoving, without action and flat.
Before you can take concrete, tangible steps to become more interesting, you have to recognize and admit “I’m pretty darn boring” and actually want to be more interesting. Be willing first. Then commit to a few key steps below.
Benefits to Becoming a More Interesting Partner
Let’s look at how your efforts to shift into a more interesting person benefit your intimate relationship.
Some of the benefits to amping up your interests include:
- Becoming more attractive to your partner through your personality and pursuits
- Bringing renewed energy into your everyday life
- Creating space between you and your partner to allow for individual interests
- Having new conversations together that stem from all of your new pursuits
- Looking forward to seeing each other after having had time apart
- Engaging in new shared activities together to add spice and adventure to your love
- Making new friends and contacts that you could meet up with, separate or together
- Creating new opportunities for you personally and as a couple
Relationships function best when we breathe new life into them. The paradox of love is that committed relationships draw partners into each other so closely that you forget to individuate and engage with the rest of the world. Instead, you become each other’s worlds. And yet…
Healthy love needs each partner to be both separate and together. It requires that each partner strive to stay interesting. That means nurturing your individuality within the context of being a couple. And trust me, there is plenty of room for attention to both.
10 New Ways to Become More Interesting
As mentioned earlier, staying interesting means moving from static same ‘ol everything to a dynamic, action state of growth and expansion. There’s so many ways to develop and evolve. Here’s a sample list to work with:
- Learn a New Language – Think of a country you’d love to visit. If it feels like a far off fantasy, begin to manifest that fantasy by learning the country’s language. Not only does this give you a new hobby, it strengthens your cognitive and memory skills and gets you one step closer to fulfilling a dream.
- Find a Hobby Outside of Your Career – Work consumes so much of our time. Even when you love what you do, when you only focus on work stuff, you become one-dimensional. Find a hobby that grabs your interest and go for it – be all in.
- Practice Optimism – Pessimism keeps you stuck. Optimism is a much more magnetic energy that will attract your partner to you. No one wants to be around negative energy. If you feel stuck in a pessimistic rut, read books on positive psychology.
- Volunteer – If you’re not sure how to start expanding your circle, find a cause that you feel passionate about and volunteer some of your time and talents. This gives you an alternative way to spend your time, meet new people and contribute to a greater cause.
- Be Interested in Others – Yes, you want to be interesting but part of that starts with taking an interest in the people around you. Listen to them. Ask them questions.. Stay curious about the people you cross paths with. You never know where opportunity sits.
- Learn a Few Good Jokes – Everyone loves to laugh. If you get a few good jokes under your belt, you might become the sunshine in someone’s day, just by making them laugh. Telling jokes communicates your silly side and shows that you like to have fun.
- Say What You Think – Nothing speaks boring more than someone who blends into the wallpaper by not expressing themselves. Even if your opinions differ, it’s okay to respectfully share them. It’s more than okay. It makes you a more interesting human.
- Do Something Risky – If you’re “not a dancer”, take a dance class. If you’re afraid of public speaking, join a Toastmasters Group. Find a way to conquer your fears. Then bring those exciting, on-the-edge, stories back to share with your partner.
- Spend Time with Interesting People – They say that you are the sum of the 5 people that you surround yourself with. Take a look around. If you’re looking for a new crew to add to your life, find a meetup group within a subject matter of interest. Grow socially.
- Travel Solo – Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a longer journey, nothing grows our social, emotional and cognitive skills like traveling to unknown places. Pick locations that offer some challenges for you. Learn how to enjoy your own company.
Take Action Too Become More Interesting
Before you go any further, grab a piece of paper and pen. Write out 5 ways you can become a more interesting person and partner. What can you work on to help you shine brighter?
It’s never too late to spice up your routine, personally grow, and become more interesting. It’s up to you to make room for this personal growth work. Your relationship will reap the benefits.
In the past 6 months, I’ve taken my own steps to become a more interesting person. The result has been increased personal fulfillment and greater experiences of joy. Of course, this higher vibe energy then filters into my marriage and inspires my partner to do the same.
Some ways I’ve become more interesting include:
- Language: Improving my Spanish speaking skills through a language program
- Cooking: Mastering new recipes in the kitchen
- Music: Researched a music teacher and started singing lessons
- Travel: Booked a long weekend away for myself
- Music: Tinkering on the piano
- Volunteering: Reached out to an organization for future volunteer work
- Spiritual: Daily meditation and weekly journaling
Notice how none of these have to do with my career. Or my marriage. Or parenting. Or family. They purely reflect a personal growth journey. They fill my cup and feed my marriage.
Being Separate and Together
When we work with couples in therapy, whether it’s relationship therapy or sex therapy, we recognize that the relationship contains at least two individual people. Each person has their own history, identity, thoughts, feelings, interests and dreams.
When each partner has room to pursue their own interests, they depend less on their partner to fill any voids. Partners learn to honor each one’s individuality. But they also need to come back to each other to share their stories and experiences.
Time apart along with new stories to share often invigorates a flat relationship. Honoring separation and togetherness creates a beautiful and necessary balance for trust, growth and love.
