Why couples aren’t having sex during the pandemic
I recently had a “socially distanced” coffee date with a friend.
We talked about the impact of COVID on our work, kids and families. As we wrapped up, she added, “And let’s face it, no one is having sex. I mean, come on, he walks into the room and I think, oh…. you again”. On that note, we parted ways, but her words stayed with me.
How many couples think that very same thought? Feel sick of seeing their partner’s face all day and all night? Not because they don’t love them but because they feel trapped in every way due to the pandemic?
Can couples stay sexually fresh when the pandemic routine makes everything feel stale?
Why Your Libido Took a Nosedive
It’s not easy to feel sexy and hot when you’re also feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. And let’s keep it real: This ain’t no ordinary stress.
This is survival stress. Questions like, “How will we manage our bills?”, “How do we see our family without getting them sick?”, “How do we manage work and our kids school?”, “Will my parents die from CoVid?”, “Can our kids socialize with friends and not get sick?”
Add to that the sense of feeling trapped. You, your partner and your kids (if you have them), share the same walls almost 24/7 for months on end now, each on the other’s nerves, squabbling over how to share the space.
Plus the overwhelming, undeniable grief and loss as you watch numbers rise, fall, then rise again, as you see the death toll keep growing, watch holidays come and go without your traditional celebrations and more.
And I didn’t yet mention the shift in your physical activity – all the steps you’re not taking to meet your FitBit goals, the elastic pants and masks you’re living in or the fact that you may go several days in between showers.
All of this sets the stage for the “oh… you again” sexless relationship.
Marital and Relationship Conflict is On the Rise
The pandemic hasn’t stopped our phones from ringing. In fact, quite the contrary. As a sex therapist, I’ve gotten many calls from couples seeking online couples counseling and couples therapy to address sexual concerns.
For many, the stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their relationship, including their sex life. Some of the sexual concerns couples report include:
- Being in a long-distance relationship and not having access to their partner
- Afraid to get physically close when one partner works in a public setting
- No private time at home because the kids are always present
- No boundaries between work and home because work now happens at home
- Being sucked into the black hole of social media for hours on end
- Lack of date nights due to lockdowns
- Increased sense of depression and lack of motivation in general
These issues feel like the weight of the world. Some days it feels heavier than others.
Within the virtual therapy room, couples are talking about their struggles and addressing them, many within the context of the impact of CoVid-19.
If You’re the Partner Getting Rejected
Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire. If your sex drive typically says “yes” more than “no”, you might feel abandoned and rejected by your partner more than ever.
If historically, you’ve been more into sex than your partner, the pandemic will only exacerbate that issue. Quarantine life adds a whole new dimension to “not feeling it tonight baby”.
As long as you’re living under lockdown, try not to take your partner’s lack of sexy engagment personally. Chances are, they want to feel sexier and more vibrant with you but the pandemic “survival” stress overwhelms their sexual system.
At the same time, it’s important to keep communicating about it.
Below, I offer ways to keep communication going, while also finding ways to stay connected under extreme stress.
How to Manage Your Sexual Differences During the Pandemic
Sexual desire differences come up a lot in sex therapy, even when we’re not in a global pandemic. It’s natural for each partner to have different styles of desire. Let me share some insights into how you can manage this during CoVid times.
- Talk about it. Couples shy away from sexual conversations even though they have sex together, often for years. If you can’t talk about sex, it’s pretty hard to have good sex.
- Practice compassion and empathy. Conversations about sex are vulnerable making. It’s not easy for anyone to say, “I feel rejected”, or “I want to have sex with you”, or, “I’ve lost my libido”. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
- Discuss your needs for touch. Try to describe what type of touch feels good right now, what feels welcome as well as what you miss most. Listen carefully to your partner.
- Be an investigator. Ask them questions about how that touch makes them feel. Secure? Safe? Loved? Playful? Relaxed? Sexy? Connected? Hot?
- Take a personal inventory. Now that you know what your partner desires most, ask yourself, am I willing to meet their needs, emotionally, physically or sexually?
Create a Bridge to Your Divide
When someone’s libido becomes less active, there’s certainly exercises they can do to help jumpstart sexy energy BUT, the goal of this article is not to make the “lower desire” partner meet the “higher desire” partner.
As a sex therapist, I have a plethora of exercises that I give to folks who seek to rev up their libido. But I’ve found that during the pandemic, this can add an increased stressor.
Additionally, I’ve found that bonding exercises have helped couples feel closer, more secure and loved during a very unpredictable, shaky time.
For some couples, the increase in bonding has organically led to greater sexual engagement but for others, feeling bonded has felt more fulfilling than trying to squeeze in a quickie.
This shows me that partners have different needs to be met during this global crisis. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
For some partners, it’s not about trying to have more sex. It’s about creating moments of real connection that feel safe, secure and bonding during a time of anxiety, fear and uncertainty.
Now, let’s acknowledge that for other partners, sex IS the way that they feel bonded, safe, connected and emotionally close.
As you hold conversations together and assess your needs and willingness, consider that both experiences are valid and valuable.
What You Have In Common with Other Couples
That sexless syndrome, “Oh…you again” is real, and if you’re feeling that, you are one of many.
In couples and sex therapy, I always emphasize quality over quantity. Rather than focus on how much less sex is happening, focus more on how to create real quality connection together.
Have meaningful conversations along with intentional, meaningful touch such as extended hugs, snuggles, kissing and spooning. Linger in bed longer on weekend mornings, turn in a bit earlier at night. Share some pillow talk.
Make the quality of your connection strong, consistent and reliable.
If sex happens as a result of that, great, but if not, try not to personalize it or feel guilty about it. Keep conversations about sex going, without attaching to an outcome.
Focus more on taking good care of each other during this tumultuous time.
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