Understanding Partner Differences
Something happens to us in early courtship.
Flooded with hormones, we see our partner through a blind set of eyes. They can do no wrong. They light us up from within. They’re everything we’ve ever wanted. “Soulmates”.
We tend to see ourselves in our partner. Sometimes, they bear the characteristics that we aspire towards. Other times, they seem like a mirror image of us. What better experience than to partner with ourselves for life?
In some relationships, partners never seem to have conflict. They’ll say “we don’t fight” and seem to agree all the time.
That type of union makes it difficult for partners to evolve. It can also lead to something called enmeshment, where each partner seems to blend into the other with no distinct “I”.
Other couples confront a different reality. They “suddenly” discover that one partner seems polar opposite to the other. This can wreak havoc on a couple’s self-concept. Partners wonder how they EVER got together to begin with. What were they each thinking?
Welcome to the world of differentiation.
Some couples fail to achieve it. Other couples struggle to accept it.
What is healthy differentiation and why do we need it for healthy love?
What is Healthy Differentiation?
In 1997, Dr. David Schnarch wrote a groundbreaking book called Passionate Marriage in which he claims that differentiation is essential for healthy relationships.
By his definition, “differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love ”.
He adds that differentiation is essential to reducing blame, repairing conflict, tolerating intimacy and creating a hot, loving sex life.
For relationships to be healthy, it requires you to attend to your individuality as you move through the world in a state of togetherness. It means being two distinct people attempting to create an interdependent relationship.
Why is Differentiation Important?
When partners can clearly and distinctly define themselves while in partnership, they create a more honest, transparent, authentic relationship. No masks. No facades. This in turn helps eliminate relationship habits that can become toxic, such as the expectation for mindreading, wrong assumptions and chronic resentment.
When couples can achieve this, it gives them an extraordinary gift; for each partner to love and to be loved, exactly for who they are.
Differentiation and Intimacy
Dr. Schnarch identifies different types of intimacy. Consider which type of intimacy you might practice in your own relationship. We’ll use Dr. Scharch’s language.
According to Scharch, you engage in other-validated intimacy if you expect that your partner will accept you, empathize, validate you and reciprocate disclosure after you’ve shared something personal about yourself. Your self-worth depends on the reaction of your partner.
Self-validated intimacy is when you can disclose your thoughts and feelings while maintaining your own self-worth, regardless of how your partner responds. You hold no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity for what you’ve shared.
Would acceptance and reciprocity be “nice”? Maybe. Unfortunately, “nice” can keep a relationship flat, dull and static.
He argues that intimacy can occur in the latter form, even if the disclosure isn’t accepted, validated or empathized with; even if only one partner discloses. Self-validated intimacy requires you to support yourself while letting yourself be known to your partner. It reduces unhealthy dependency and enmeshment.
Let’s just sit with that for a moment. What you just read may feel counter to everything you thought you knew about relationships.
Intimacy and Vulnerability
Differentiation requires vulnerability tolerance. As a couple’s and sex therapy practice, my team and I frequently use that term when referring to the work we do with our clients.
No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. Most would describe the experience as feeling naked, exposed and unprotected from harm. Yet vulnerability is an experience partners need to step into from time to time to establish real intimacy.
One of my favorite quotes on intimacy and vulnerability is from Dr. Schnarch. He says:
“I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want to know you love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever going to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.”
Self-disclosure and tolerance for vulnerability become easier when our sense of worth becomes less dependent on our partner’s moods and reactions.
The more we can reveal of ourselves, the more interesting our relationships become. We increase the possibility of making real contact, real authentic connection with our partners.
This achievement allows couples to retain a sense of intimacy even when in conflict. It permits partners to have differences of opinion, to have a voice, to express themselves.
Integrating Healthy Differentiation into Your Relationship
If you’re not sure what all of this means for you, let me simplify it: establishing an intimate connection with your partner starts with having a strong, healthy connection with yourself.
If you allow your self-worth to hinge on the words and actions of others, you have not yet learned how to support yourself or possibly love yourself. It’s difficult to give and receive love with another person if you haven’t yet learned how to fully accept and love who you are.
Even folks who appear to be fiercely independent may struggle to genuinely connect with anyone else because underneath their outward presentation, sits fragility.
Consider a radical act of self-confrontation. Focus on yourself and not on your partner. Ask yourself if you can metaphorically stand up on your own two feet. Can you hold yourself up? Can you hold yourself up in more vulnerable situations with your partner? Can your partner do the same? How well do you tolerate your partner’s differences? How much room is there for difference within the partnership?
