Steps to Address Problems in Your Marriage
Does your stomach drop when your partner says, “We need to talk”? Ugh, the worst, right? It isn’t easy to sit in “the talk”, whether you’re the partner expressing dissatisfaction or the partner receiving the feedback. A feeling of dread can sit on both sides of the experience. If you’re the partner carrying the gripe(s), it’s natural for you to want to rehash everything that’s wrong with your partner or your relationship. That makes sense since you’re seeking a solution to all of the problems. Naming problematic behavior, whether through couples counseling or a series of private “talks” at home, is necessary to find resolve. However, if you find yourself only focusing on what’s wrong, instead of also on “what’s right”, you’re excluding important parts of your relationship story. If the issues in your relationship feel chronic, it makes sense that the problems are all you might see. I liken this to a haze in your view that keeps you from clearly seeing that good things are happening too.Frustration is natural.
It’s also natural to have frustration and resentment build up over time. Unfortunately, resentment can block your ability to see anything good that your partner might do right now. It can also make positive relationship memories from your past, feel as if they’ve never happened. Repeatedly staying focused on what your partner has done wrong, or where they fall short, only strengthens that negative relationship story. If that’s the only thing you notice or point out, it can instill a sense of inadequacy in your partner. When that’s the only message that they hear from you, it becomes destructive, often translating to “I’ll never get it right. They’ll never be satisfied with what I do ”. How can you address problematic behaviors without deepening the divide? Let’s look at constructive ways to address problematic behaviors while also “seeing the good” in your partner so that you can get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.What to Avoid When Naming a Problem in Your Relationship
To keep this simple, I’ve listed five areas to avoid the next time you want to address your partner’s problematic behaviors. Try these the next time you ask for “the talk”.Complain instead of criticize.
Relationship researchers, John and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. have written extensively on the pitfalls couples fall into when in conflict. In their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they note that complaints differ from criticisms. Complaints focus specifically on the issue, criticism focuses on the person’s character. Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes every time I come home? You’re just lazy and completely unreliable, expecting me to do everything all the time!” Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again (fact). You said on Tuesday night that you’d handle that before I get home (fact). What happened (Question)? Notice how the latter stuck to the issue, referenced a previous conversation, and then invited the partner to share why he/she didn’t follow through. Complaints keep defenses low and make it easier to find resolve. No character attacks.Avoid all or nothing language.
When feelings start to escalate, it’s easy to use two very dangerous words, always and never. These words represent absolutes. Relationship behaviors don’t fall into absolute categories. Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes everytime I come home? You always do this. I can never count on you for anything!” Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. Can we talk about how to resolve it?Prioritize understanding over winning.
You might think that conflict resolution means complete agreement. That can happen at times but some conflicts aren’t that neatly solved. Instead of trying to be “right” or win the argument, look for parts of each other’s perspective that make sense to you, even if you don’t fully agree. Let’s look at an example. Partner A: “I didn’t get to the dishes tonight because I had a really stressful day at work and I was exhausted. I needed time to decompress.” Partner B: “I understand your need to decompress. I know that your work is stressful. But we need to talk about this because it’s impacting me and our home life. This is an issue that keeps happening and it’s upsetting to me”. Partner A: “I get why you’re upset, you come home tired too. I don’t want to upset you.” Notice how Partner B demonstrated understanding first but also didn’t abandon their own point of view. There was no complete agreement. Partner B’s attempt to understand keeps the conversation open and flowing instead of shutting it down.Include appreciation.
When you’re troubled by the problems in your relationship, it can be difficult to feel appreciation, even if your partner contributes positively to your shared life. You can share appreciation along with a complaint at the same time. Let’s look at an example of the sandwich approach: No sandwich approach: “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty bothered by this. Can we talk about how to resolve this? Sandwich approach: “I appreciate that you took the time to talk the other night when I shared about the dishes in the sink. I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. It’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. I always appreciate that you’re open to talking about some of our struggles and I really want to work this one out.” The second example shows you the sandwich approach: the problem is sandwiched between two statements of appreciation. Again, this helps reinforce that you’re a team, not adversaries.Keep it short and simple.
When you’re bothered by your partner’s behaviors, you may talk at length about it with them. Keep in mind that it’s hard for a partner to hear what they’ve done “wrong”. It’s even harder for them to hear it on repeat. Instead of going on and on, stay focused, make your point in two or three sentences and invite your partner into the conversation. Focus on solutions more than the problem.Need Help Seeing the Good in Your Partner?
If expressing appreciation or seeing the good in your partner feels difficult right now, you can try an exercise taken from research in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Known as the Pleasant Events Calendar, MBSR uses this activity to help decrease stress by helping you focus on what feels good in your life, or in this case, your relationship. For one week, keep a log for each day of the week, and answer the following questions:- What pleasant interactions did you experience with your partner today?
- Were you aware of the pleasant feelings while they were happening?
- How did your body feel during the experience?
- What thoughts are in your mind now as you recall and write about this event?
