Does your relationship make you want to yawn? Do your days blend together? I call it Life Management 101. You and your partner repeat the same things day-in and day-out. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? You know what to expect, even if that means the bar isn’t set that high.
You settle in for the long haul. Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where excitement might bring uncertainty, reliability and familiarity bring a sense of safety. Unfortunately, with this familiarity comes boredom and complacency.
And, then it’s hard to remember how you got there or where your spark went. You start to question yourself – and ask: How do we get out of this rut?
We’ve all been there! I promise that I’m not saying routines are bad. (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.) However, I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship. Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent, together and apart.
Here’s the challenge: reliability and safety breed boredom and boredom zaps intimacy. When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. It’s a vicious cycle. You need stability and reliability to maintain safety and these same traits can suck healthy intimacy right out of you and your partner.
Trust me – there’s a difference between being in the groove and being stuck in a rut when it comes to your relationship. Overcoming complacency is the biggest obstacle for couples in long-term relationships. You have to inject excitement and risk back into your relationship so that you can overcome boredom.
So what do you do about it?
It Starts with You
Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks? Do you fear being vulnerable? Does intimacy challenge you?
To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself and change your routine.
As most of you know, I have a weekly show on Facebook Live. In the spirit of full transparency, I want to admit that it used to be hard to get in front of the camera. It felt very risky for me. Pre-recording videos and writing blogs felt easier. But, to evolve and grow, I had to step through and past my fears. That is the only way to reach the goals you want to reach.
It’s no different in a relationship. So often the reason that we are complacent is that we choose to play everything so safely. We aren’t willing to step outside the box or get outside our comfort zone. We aren’t willing to find our edges, to take risks on our own – let alone as a couple. As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.
Couples tell me that the spark isn’t there anymore or that the relationship feels stale. And, I know I keep saying this, but it starts with you. Having an exciting partnership starts with you being an exciting partner to be with! That’s how you overcome boredom in your relationship.
Be Willing to Take Risks
How do I know? From my work as an Intimacy Breakthrough Specialist but, more importantly, from my personal experience. If you don’t already know this about me, I have been in a relationship with my husband for over 20 years, and we’ve been married for 17 of those years.
We consider our marriage to be a good one. We are very much in love. And, we feel a lot of gratitude on a daily basis. After all this time, we still feel incredibly and intimately connected. One of the key ingredients to our successful relationship and the intimacy we feel is our willingness to take risks.
I want to encourage you to take risks. I’m not just talking about taking risks in your relationship. I’m talking about on a personal level. My spouse isn’t here with me while I am taking this risk to be vulnerable with you; but, if we take risks individually, we get to tell our stories to each other at the end of a day. We can talk about our edges. We inject new material the fabric of our lives.
At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves. We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge. As a result, we become more interesting. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship. This is how we overcome boredom.
Change your Mindset
It’s the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. (You may have heard these terms used before in professional development, but they apply here, too.) If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back to look at your approach. How you approach your life, independent of your partner or outside of your relationship, affects how you approach your relationship and your partner approaches you.
In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or basic qualities. Routine becomes a means of documenting and proving what you already know about yourself, rather than stretching your limits. In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work. When change inevitably comes, a love of learning and increased resilience carries you through hard times and tough conversations.
It starts with you! You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.
Overcome Boredom in your Relationship
If you’re feeling complacent, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back. Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Where is my edge?
- Where am I challenging myself?
- How am I going to step into who I want to be?
The answers will guide you to co-create an exciting life and overcome boredom in your relationship. What can you do differently? Passion lives where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.
If you feel lost on where to start…
Having a hard time navigating intimate conversations on your own?
Craving a more intimate relationship with your partner?
If you feel lost on where to start, download my FREE Guide “10 Keys to Connection – Conversations that Strengthen Intimacy” and get started today! Download HERE.