Are you bored in your relationship?
Does your relationship make you want to yawn? Does it feel like Relationship Groundhog Day? Same routine, same activities, same restaurants, etc. It’s what happens to most couples when their days become Life Management 101. All about routines, schedules, structures.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? At least, you know what to expect.
Like most long term couples, you settle in for the long haul. Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where spontaneity might bring uncertainty, reliability brings a sense of safety. Unfortunately, it can also bring boredom and complacency.
It can even lower the bar for what’s possible in your love and in your life.
Over time, it can be hard to understand how you got to where you are or where your spark went. You may even start to think– What the hell happened to us? We used to be so fun together.
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has felt “the slump”. I’m not saying routines are bad. (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.) But I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship. Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent.
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Consider this Question:
How does your predictability impact intimacy?
We’ve established that traits like stability and reliability create safety, right?
But these traits are also opposite to spontaneity, excitement, curiosity, adventure and risk.
And at it’s core, healthy intimacy involves risk-taking.
So, while stability and reliability are great for safety, and are certainly important for intimacy, they can also sabotage intimacy when they become the sole focus of your love.
When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. No spark.
I’m sure you can feel the difference between when you’re in your love groove and when you feel stuck in a relationship rut.
If you want to feel intimate, connected and fun with each other again, you must step outside of your relationship box.
You have to proactively, intentionally and purposely bring excitement back into your relationship so that you can feel fun again.
And when you introduce healthy risks, you not only increase your intimacy potential but you also bring new energy to your love.
So what do you do about it?
It Starts with You
Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks?
Do you fear being vulnerable?
Does intimacy challenge you?
To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself to do “different”.
Sometimes, fear of change can lead to complacency.
So can laziness, passivity, depression, relationship conflict, perfectionism, taking your relationship for granted.
So rather than confront those things (which requires courage), we go on cruise control. (Yawn)
We don’t step outside the box or get outside of our comfort zone.
We don’t find our edges or take risks on our own – let alone as a couple.
As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.
Boring Relationship, Lost Spark, No Intimacy
So what does “it starts with you” actually mean?
Well, having an exciting relationship starts with you being an exciting partner.
YOU are the start to getting back on course, away from boredom and complacency toward growth, spark and connection.
Be Willing to Take Risks
How do I know any of this? Well, in addition to being a sex therapist and couples counselor, I know from personal experience.
My spouse and I have been married for over 20 years. We consider our marriage to be a great one.
After all this time, we still feel intimately connected. But that intimacy is earned.
We take healthy risks – emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.
Whether that means having tough conversations with each other, an adventure we’ve never had before, a new sexual experience, sharing a spiritual awakening or something else.
I encourage you to take risks too.
And not just relationship risks but personal risks.
Do something that is as far from boring as possible.
Whether it’s confronting a work situation that you’ve avoided, taking that class you’ve had your eye on, booking a solo trip over a long-weekend, anything that gives you a new experience. Anything that offers you a new story to share. Anything that deepens the dimensions of who you are.
When I do this, or my partner does this, it gives us the opportunity to share something new at the end of the day. We can talk about our edges. We inject new material into the fabric of our lives.
At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves. We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge.
As a result, we become more interesting to each other. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship.
Overcoming boredom in your relationship starts with you and can have a beautiful ripple effect into your love.
Change your Mindset
If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back and look at your approach.
Remember this: how you do anything is how you do everything.
It’s time to self-examine.
Ever hear of the “fixed mindset” versus the “growth mindset”?
In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or static qualities.
In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work.
You want to adapt a growth mindset.
That means that you believe that you have the potential to evolve, to deepen your connection to each other, to bring life back into your love, to grow individually and as a couple.
But, it starts with you.
You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.
Overcome Boredom in your Relationship
If you’re feeling complacent, stuck, disconnected, boring, loveless, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back. Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Where is my edge?
- Where am I challenging myself?
- How am I going to step into who I want to be?
- How can I be the kind of partner that I want to have?
Answer these questions separately, then come together to discuss. The answers will guide you to co-create a life and love that feels invigorating, inspiring and one that you look forward to engaging with. All of that is a far cry from a boring relationship or life.
Remember, passion rises where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.