Why Do Couples Stop Kissing?

A friend recently told me that she had a bad dream… she said that in her dream, her spouse was a bad kisser! She said, “I felt so relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream. Can you imagine?!”

It got me thinking about the importance of kissing compatibility and the need to kiss often.

Most couples who report unsatisfying sex or being in a sexless marriage tell us that they don’t include kissing as a part of their foreplay.

If that’s you too, you’re missing an important act of bonding. After all, kissing is a bit like your signature, right? If you were to be in a lineup with 5 different people, and your mate was to kiss each one of you, don’t you think your partner would know your kiss from the rest? Of course, they would. 

Why Do Couples Stop Kissing?

When working with couples in relationship counseling or sex therapy, they say, “we just don’t do it anymore” and don’t seem to question why it has stopped. 

For some couples, kissing stops because they’re more focused on having an orgasm through their genitals than on mouth-to-mouth kissing.

Other couples feel short on time. Rather than use that time to kiss, they rush to have a quick orgasm.

Quickies can be fun and spontaneous but when it becomes your sex life norm, it’s usually not satisfying for both partners. 

Unfortunately, if you’re one of those couples, you may have more “sex” but not necessarily feel close. That’s because kissing is actually more intimate than genital touching or orgasms. It creates closeness, bonding and can lead to better sex overall. 

Kissing is Sexy and Triggers Your Neurosystem

Kissing has neurological effects that increase your bond and sense of attachment to your partner.  That’s because when your lips touch, your brain releases feel-good, bonding chemicals like oxytocin, seratonin and the pleasure hormone, dopamine.

Dopamine is the same hormone released with the use of drugs or sugar. Yes, kissing produces that same hormone release.

Wet kisses actually help you exchange important hormones like testosterone. Famous anthropologist, Helen Fisher, reported that 90% of the world’s population engaged in kissing and most use the tongue.

Yet, it makes neurological sense that kissing can fade away in long-term relationships. You have three sexual systems designed to land a mate: your lust system, romance system and attachment system. 

Kissing is primarily used during the lust and romance phase of relationship development. It’s used to attract and keep a potential mate. Kissing helps you know if you’re compatible. So once you’ve established a commitment and moved into the next phase of your relationship, attachment, it makes sense that you might kiss less.

But just because it makes sense doesn’t mean that it should stay that way.

What If My Partner is a Lousy Kisser?

Unless of course, you’re not feeling kissing compatible. Proceed with caution if you have to give your partner feedback on how they kiss. Sexual feedback is highly sensitive territory. But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t speak up. Sexual communication is key to a healthy sexual connection. 

Here are some ways you might be able to address it:

The Sexy Approach

“Babe, let me show you how I love to be kissed” (this communicates more about you and less about them so it doesn’t raise their defenses). You can add words like, “if you kiss me like this, it really turns me on…”. 

The Dominant Approach

“I wanna be in charge of our kiss for a minute. Just let me kiss you and you follow my lead” – and if they start to try to control the kiss, say, “ah-ah, I’m in charge! Follow my lead”

Notice that in either case, the redirect is non-shaming, non-judgmental and lets you express how you’d like to be kissed. 

Kissing Practices to Try

Adapted from the book, The Heart of Desire by Dr. Stella Resnick, here are three different kissing practices to try. 

The Around-the-World Face Kiss*

Start by kissing your partner’s face. On their forehead, their cheeks, their jawline, their chin, their nose, even their eyebrows, their lower lip, their upper lip. Then begin to kiss their mouth, fully, gently and softly. Once your partner fully invites you into their mouth, allow your momentum to build.

Follow the Leader

On different days, each partner takes turns leading the mouth kiss. The leader is the giver. The follower is the receiver. The receiver tunes into the shape of their lover’s lips, the tension held in their lips and tongue and the energy of the kiss. The receiver matches the giver’s shape, tension and energy.

Good ol’ fashioned make out

Clothes on. Start with a little wet kiss and allow it to grow. Hum/moan softly. Suck on each other’s tongue and lips. Bite each other’s lips gently if it feels right.  If your partner seems ready, allow your tongue to go deeper into their mouth. Pull them into you. Kiss for as long as it feels good.

Why Kissing is Erotic

Your mouth is an erotic symbol. It’s what you use to eat, to taste, to take things in. It’s part of your olfactory system in the body which is so tuned into a sensory experience.

When kissing – you may not actually be eating your partner but you’re exercising the muscles that you use when you are hungry.

When kissing, you are tasting your partner and in that gorgeous, purposeful exchange of fluids, you are literally swallowing them into you and you continue to want more of them.

In Conclusion

While genital orgasms are fun, they’re not always intimate, and often do not occur for both partners in their sexual exchange. If it’s been a while since you’ve had some good make-out sessions, start to focus more on the pleasure of kissing, without it leading to penetration. 

The results are usually positive, with couples feeling increased connection, increased arousal and overall, more sexy.