Sexual desire mismatch may be more common than you realize.

As a relationship and sex therapist, I see a common problem amongst couples: one partner often wants more sex than the other. I can safely say that I  discuss this issue with clients on a weekly basis. It’s that common.

Typically, one partner wants us to “fix” the other. Either by making the “lower” desire partner have more sex or by making the “higher” desire partner back off. This issue spans many types of couples across many different faiths, races, sexuality and genders. 

But more sex doesn’t exactly create sex worth wanting. It just creates more unsatisfying sex. And less sex doesn’t exactly ease the tension around sex. It just creates more resentment.

So how do couples solve their differences?

 

Take a WE Approach

As mentioned earlier, when couples come in for couples or sex therapy, each partner often wants us to “fix” the desire of the other. Each partner sees the other as the “problem” causing them so much pain. 

Our early sessions usually involve helping the couple see that any sexual problems they experience, including differences in sexual desire, are a couple’s problem. Not an individual problem. 

I help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. 

To take it one step further, I also provide psychoeducation to help the couple understand that neither partner has the “right” kind of desire.  There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” when it comes to how they experience desire with each other. We pivot away from judgment and instead focus on them being “different”.

Why Couples Need This One Shift

Each partner commits pretty fully to their own perspective as the “right” one. As long as we can get some “buy-in” into shifting the focus from “wrong” to “different”, we can work with it and the sex therapy can progress. 

This shift allows partners to develop greater curiosity about each other’s sexual desires. It creates an opening for a conversation about desire and what makes sex worth wanting for both of them. 

The truth of the matter is, when desire differences show up, even if sex is happening, it often feels empty, rushed and pressured. The seeking partner may “take what they can get” but not necessarily feel satisfied with it. The avoidant partner does it out of obligation. 

“We help couples shift away from blame and criticism of each individual, to recognizing that sexual desire differences are a shared problem and a shared responsibility. “

Why Have Sex?

One of my favorite questions to ask couples is these 3 simple words: Why have sex?

Believe it or not, most couples have never stopped to consider why they engage in sex together. In the early courtship phase, it’s often driven by hormones and being in the lust phase or the attraction phase of falling in love.

The couple isn’t exactly asking themselves, “Why am I having sex with you?”.  Yet it’s an important question to ask.

Whenever I ask couples this question, most will tell me “to feel closer, to feel loved, to feel more connected, because it feels good”. Most partners are not saying “to pressure my partner”, or “to feel coerced”. 

Sex therapist, Dr. Marty Klein emphasizes this question in his work as well, noting that both partners often want the same thing.

In his article, Partner’s Disagree on How Much Sex, he states that in his work, he’ll tell them, “The issue here isn’t just more sex, it’s that you want to FEEL different – whether its’ more loved, or more attractive or whatever, right?”

And he’s right. Partners want to feel better with each other – closer, more attractive, loved – even though their desires look like they differ. At its core, they actually want the same thing.

In reality, neither wants to return to the type of sex they may have been having – quick, distant, empty and chore-like. This only furthers the pain they already feel with each other. 

So more sex isn’t the answer. But the answer does involve some sex or erotic exchanges.

Find Common Pain Points 

What couples often don’t realize is that while their desires may differ, and they may feel like polar opposites, they actually share similar pain points. 

As we unpack the pain points in sex therapy, the “higher” desire partner often reports feeling undesired, unattractive and ultimately rejected. The lower desire partner often reports feeling pressured, guilty, stressed and dysfunctional. 

But through these conversations, what partners also discover is that while each has their own experience, they also have other feelings that match: As a couple, they feel misunderstood, disconnected, lost, abnormal and lonely. 

Almost always, couples experience an “aha” moment when they realize that despite their differences, they share these painful feelings. This is an important moment in sex therapy because it helps the couple see that they aren’t as polarized as they might feel.

Let me repeat: They aren’t as polarized as they might feel. 

Couples start to see that they actually have common emotional ground; both want to feel closer, connected and loved BUT both feel misunderstood, lost, abnormal and lonely.  This becomes the fertile soil where they can meet each other. Progress grows with the support and guidance of their sex therapist.

How Sex Takes a Backseat 

In long-term relationships, it’s not unusual for life circumstances to steamroll a couple’s sex life. Having kids, career or money stress, supporting in-laws, domestic life, health problems and more are all, well, pretty unsexy.

They leave partners feeling tired. Or partners escape their stress with too much time on Facebook or too many glasses of wine at dinner.

Having better sex isn’t just about the sex itself, although that’s something that might need improvement. It’s also about feeling emotionally supported through the tasks of daily living. Feeling like a team. Feeling like your relationship is reliable and dependable. Easing each other’s burdens. 

Talking, being affectionate and showing love each day.

Coming Back to Your Why 

Remember, partners don’t want to go back to sex that doesn’t feel good. High desire partners don’t want to go back to sex that feels like they’re dragging their partner along into it. They want sex that feels engaging, energized and mutual. 

“Low” desire partners aren’t completely turned off to sex, despite often pushing it away. They may prefer a different sexual experience, or sex that feels like it’s actually for them too. 

All of this requires that the couple shift their focus back to the reasons why they want to have sex in the first place: to feel closer, more connected, more loved. 

These conversations help the couple begin to understand how their emotional life connects to their sexual life. 

Your Next Step 

Start by having a conversation with your partner about this article. Discuss which parts of it make sense to you. Share how it helps you understand your partner better, and/or how it reflects your own experience. Share what you think you might have in common.

Then consider your next step. Perhaps you want to seek out some online resources. 

Or maybe, you want to work face to face with a therapist to address your concerns. 

In either choice, it’s time to stop feeling at odds, show up and work through your differences. Hopefully this article serves as a launching point for you.

It IS possible to find resolve, common ground and to create sex worth wanting again.