Different Sex Drives

Have you ever said any of the following? 🗣

• I have no desire
• My partner has a low sex drive
• My partner’s drive is much higher than mine
• I never want to have sex

Unfortunately, today’s media pigeonholes the partner with the “lower” sex drive as dysfunctional. Couples seek out therapy wanting to “fix” the person with the “lower” drive. But the idea of “fixing” can actually further that person’s sense of feeling like a non-sexual person.

Mismatched Desire

What if I told you that when it comes to mismatched desire, no one needs to be “fixed”? Let me break down the latest research on understanding libido to help you better understand your personal sex drive and that of your partner.

What We Used to Believe 📖

For many decades, we thought that you needed desire to have sex.

The model looked something like this:

Desire → Arousal → Climax → Rest

Desire leads to arousal, which leads to climax. Then the body returns to a state of rest. So, according to this model, if you don’t have desire, you can’t become aroused, yadayadayada… And thanks to the pioneering work and research of Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. who wrote the book Come As You Are, we now have research that helps us better understand how desires differ and why. As I break this down for you, think about how desire shows up for you. Think about your partner. Think about the areas that you feel stuck, hurt, confused and frustrated with desire and sex.

What We Believe Now 🧠

Nagoski’s work shows us that there isn’t just one kind of desire. It’s not a situation where you either have it or you don’t. Desire varies from men to women and it varies within gender as well. In her research, she identified 3 types of desire: Spontaneous, Responsive and Contextual. Let’s look at each one and see which applies to you.

Three Types of Sexual Desire ⭐️

Spontaneous desire means that desire shows up instantaneously. Seventy-five percent of men experience spontaneous desire, 25% of men don’t. Only 15% of women experience instant desire, whereas 85% of women don’t. Look at those statistics again. They’re important. In this description, spontaneous = instant. Sex is merely mentioned or initiated, and desire instantly shows up, ready to go. Responsive Desire means exactly how it sounds. This refers to desire that grows in response to some form of stimulation. When something sexy happens, desire grows. Five percent of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire. So, if you don’t necessarily initiate sex or think much about it, but tend to respond to your partner’s advances, you may have responsive desire. Contextual Desire means that sexual desire is dependent on the circumstances and the environment. Even if you feel stimulated, if the circumstances and the environment don’t work for you, your desire cannot fully show up. This might help explain why you lack desire when the kids are sleeping in the next room, you had a hard day at work or you feel tired. For you, context is everything. Nagoski found that most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous, even though it may not be. They may not realize that the other factors all fell into place in order for their desire to show up “instantaneously”.

Sexual Desire and You 💫

We typically love sharing this information in our couples therapy sessions because it generates so many A-HA! reactions. Finally, couples can begin to make sense of their experience and better understand each other. Information like this helps the “lower desire” partner remember that they are capable of desire, lust and erotic expression. It also helps the “spontaneous” desire partner depersonalize the perceived lack of desire in that partner. It makes room for us to consider that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience desire.

It’s just different for everybody.

So often, as we’ve evolved from being pre-adolescents to teens to adults, we didn’t get the right information about sex. No one really taught us. We grew into our adult bodies and entered adult romantic relationships lacking critical information! One of the joys of being a relationship and sex therapist is that we get to set the record straight. You’re never too old and it’s never too late to get solid, clear, accurate sex education. So which types of desire do you and your partner experience? Love starts with you. ❤️