Behaviors that Drain Your Relationship
When problems start in relationships, it’s easy to point fingers, blame our partners, and focus solely on their shortcomings.
“If you would just ___________ (fill in the blank), we’d be great!”
As I’ve written many times before, one partner typically wants to “fix” the other.
Wouldn’t love feel easy if it were that simple? Fix the problem partner and all will be well.
Reality? Partner problems are interdependent. Finding root causes to chronic struggles can feel murky at times. Shifting relationship patterns requires patience, tolerance and acceptance skills.
After all, it takes two to tango. Relationship research shows us that both partners uniquely contribute to relationship struggles.
I’ve got the perfect exercise to help you and your partner self-evaluate how you may contribute to your relationship issues. I often use practices like this in couples and marriage therapy to help partners decrease blame and increase accountability.
Holding Yourself Accountable
Personal accountability doesn’t mean that you stop expressing your relationship concerns. It simply means that you take a balanced approach to problem-solving. It’s a practice of humility.
While practicing accountability, be careful to not take responsibility for what doesn’t belong to you. Some of your behaviors may contribute to the issue, as well as some of your partner’s actions. Each one of you contributes to the whole.
The purpose of self-assessment is to help you better understand how you show up. Do you show up being the type of partner that you’d like to have? Do your behaviors ultimately push your partner away? How do you create connection when in conflict?
The DRAIN Assessment
I recently came across a great exercise that’s rooted in mindfulness practices.
Created by author Russ Harris, an expert in Acceptance and Commitment therapy, this assessment helps you take an honest look at your own behaviors.
He calls it the DRAIN exercise and it’s based on an acronym that he created that breaks down unhealthy behavioral habits.
Rather than focus on your partner, I invite you to focus on yourself. Take a look at each category and write down the ways you might “drain” your relationship.
How Do You DRAIN Your Relationship?
D – Disconnection – In order to feel fully connected to your partner’s words, ideas, actions and feelings, it requires you to pay attention. Full attention means that you feel open, curious and receptive to their thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams.
That’s not easy when you feel hostile or defensive. Or when you go into conversations blaming them, or with preconceived ideas about their intentions.
Notice the many ways you might disconnect from your partner. It can look like many things such as irritability, stonewalling, being distracted, shutting down.
R – Reactivity – This refers to living on “automatic pilot”, meaning you don’t think about how you behave, it just happens. It’s a knee-jerk reaction or an impulsive response.
Rather than being mind-full, it’s more mind-less, meaning that you didn’t really consider the impact of your actions. This can look like short-tempered responses, cursing, yelling, blaming and generally being hurtful.
What behaviors might you do that reflect mindless reactivity instead of mindful responses?
A – Avoidance – Staying “conflict free” through avoidance is just as painful as being overtly confrontational. It’s a powerful and silent position of power.
Retreat might feel like a relief from your problems but it only magnifies the issues. It leaves your partner in a powerless state and keeps your relationship stuck and in a state of suffering.
How might you act out in avoidance? Behaviors can include numbing actions like taking in excessive drinking, food, drugs, screen time, denial or complete physical withdrawal.
I – Inside Your Mind – Our minds love to hold infinite conversations about all things. It’s the source of our ability for deep concentration as well as for relentless distraction.
Living inside your mind means that you spend lots of time rehashing old stories and hurts or rehearsing all the conversations that you want to say. Chatter, chatter, chatter. It’s a space that lets you ruminate and remain stuck in pain, suffering and unproductive stories.
How much time do you spend inside your mind? How trapped do you feel by the never-ending thoughts?
N – Neglecting Values – It’s easy to claim values but it’s not always easy to live up to them. Do you talk a good talk but then forget the walk?
If you claim a certain set of values as important to you, such as love or kindness, your actions – even when you feel angry – need to reflect those values. You can be angry and still love your partner. You can speak firmly without being unkind. Feeling angry doesn’t mean you abandon the value of love.
What values do you claim as important to you but then seem to abandon in moments where they might matter most?
Take It To The Next Level
Now that you know the DRAIN Assessment and have answered the questions, Harris suggests that you make a list of two columns.
In the first column, make a list of values according to the type of partner that you’d like to be. You might use words like loving, kind, generous, affectionate, supportive, trustworthy, etc.
Then, in the second column, come up with a list of values that you don’t subscribe to. Samples include materialistic, hostile, disorganized, aggressive, mean, etc.
After you complete your self-assessment through the DRAIN process, look at your two lists. In moments when your relationship feels challenging, which list best describes your behaviors?
Be the Change, Enact the Change
Even if your partner doesn’t see their role in things, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work on your part. You can’t make your partner “do” anything, but you can exercise control over how you think and what you do.
Sometimes, when you become the change you want to see, you shift the entire system of your relationship. You no longer play the same role. It’s like you change the dance step, going from the tango to the waltz.
Your partner can’t possibly keep dancing the tango without you as the tango partner.
Take the lead.
