Different Sex Drives

Have you ever said any of the following? 🗣

  • I have no desire
  • My partner has a low sex drive
  • My partner’s drive is much higher than mine
  • I never want to have sex

Unfortunately, today’s media pigeonholes the partner with the “lower” sex drive as dysfunctional. Couples seek out therapy wanting to “fix” the person with the “lower” drive.

But the idea of “fixing” can actually further that person’s sense of feeling like a non-sexual person.

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No Communication.
No Time Together.
No Touch.
Sex Feels Like a Chore.
Roommate Status. Complacent.

Strengthen your relationship with this simple-to-follow, therapist-created program. 

Through our go-at-your-own-pace course, you can take as much time as you need to work through the guided exercises and LoveSheets.

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fortune cookie no sex tonight

Mismatched Desire

What if I told you that when it comes to mismatched desire, no one needs to be “fixed”?

Let me break down the latest research on understanding libido to help you better understand your personal sex drive and that of your partner.

What We Used to Believe 📖

For many decades, we thought that you needed desire to have sex.

The model looked something like this:

Desire → Arousal → Climax → Rest

Desire leads to arousal, which leads to climax. Then the body returns to a state of rest.

So, according to this model, if you don’t have desire, you can’t become aroused, yadayadayada…

And thanks to the pioneering work and research of Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. who wrote the book Come As You Are, we now have research that helps us better understand how desires differ and why.

As I break this down for you, think about how desire shows up for you.

Think about your partner.

Think about the areas that you feel stuck, hurt, confused and frustrated with desire and sex.

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dictionary word desire

What We Believe Now 🧠

Nagoski’s work shows us that there isn’t just one kind of desire. It’s not a situation where you either have it or you don’t. Desire varies from men to women and it varies within gender as well.

In her research, she identified 3 types of desire: Spontaneous, Responsive and Contextual.

Let’s look at each one and see which applies to you.

Three Types of Sexual Desire ⭐️

Spontaneous desire means that desire shows up instantaneously.

Seventy-five percent of men experience spontaneous desire, 25% of men don’t.

Only 15% of women experience instant desire, whereas 85% of women don’t.

Look at those statistics again. They’re important.

In this description, spontaneous = instant. Sex is merely mentioned or initiated, and desire instantly shows up, ready to go.