Have you ever worried about falling “out of love”?
Partners will tell us, “I’m just not ‘in love’ anymore”.
In love. Out of love.
Do these phrases simplify our complex human experience? Do they influence our perspective of love to be all or nothing? You either feel it or you don’t, and by the way, it’s temporary…?
Current research tells us that a predictor for divorce is not infidelity, lack of romance, financial stress, or co-parenting differences.
It’s a lack of love.
Yes, life happens. But conflict between partners arises when they decrease their emotional expression and intimacy, positive regard for each other and demonstrations of caring. Couples can live in that love-less state for years.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows us that on average, couples will wait at least five years before they reach out to a relationship therapist for help.
In the words of playwright Jean Giraudoux, “If two people who love each other let a single instant wedge itself between them, it grows – it becomes a month, a year, a century; it becomes too late.”
So what does it take for a couple to achieve and sustain love for the long haul?
Lucky for us, research shows us specific ways we can make our love sustainable.
“In Love” vs. “Loving”
On our website, we refer to, what most couples call “in love”, as, “the honeymoon phase” of your relationship.
It refers to a common experience during the early dating process where you may have felt lots of excitement about your partner. Sex may have happened often and felt passionate.
In the book, A General Theory of Love, authors, Lewis, Amini and Lannon, distinguish between the honeymoon experience of being “in love” and the experience of “loving”.
They note that being “in love” conjures up the memory of the energy and excitement of a couple’s first meeting and early courtship. In that phase, two people achieve instant attraction and passionate sex, often while barely knowing each other.
They also highlight that our culture values an “in love” status. Books, magazines, movies and media cast images of being “in love” without acknowledging the work involved to maintain that high state of arousal.
The authors show us that the “in love” state shown in the media is merely an entry point to the long-term experience of “loving”… if one chooses.
Further, they explain that “loving” involves “synchronous attunement and modulation”, and requires the investment of time to really know each other. Synchronous means “in person, in real-time”. Modulation refers to adjustment and regulation.
In our take-a-pill, fast-food, high-speed internet, instant messaging culture, “in person, in real-time” experiences become less prioritized. Instant reactivity seems to supercede self-regulation and adjustment.
We expect connection and intimacy to happen quickly or through digital emoji hearts. We are not encouraged to “make time for and attune” to our partners. As the authors put it, we’re encouraged to “achieve, not attach”.
Lewis Amini and Lannon added, “If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be last on the list…”
So we know that being “in love” captures an entry point and that loving occurs over time, in multiple, real-time, in person, interactions. It requires us to know the depths of our partners and ourselves.
But what about the sex?
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Now that we can distinguish between being “in love” and “loving”, let’s explore how to actually achieve a “loving” state in relationships.
Some of the foundational work that we do in couples and sex therapy is based upon the research of Robert Sternberg. As a psychologist and social scientist, Sternberg gave us the model of the Triangular Theory of Love.
It is based on the image of a triangle and each corner includes one of the core components of loving relationships.
In fact, our Intimacy Breakthrough course for couples weaves these principles throughout the lesson modules, focused on strengthening your emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.
Let’s explore Sternberg’s three components and how you can apply them.
Three Components to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg helped us understand that a relationship’s success is not based on one aspect of relating. It’s the combination of different components that make up the whole of how we love.
There may be times when one component feels stronger than another. His work helps us understand that love fluctuates. He also showed us there are different types of love shared between couples throughout the course of their relationship.
Intimacy
Sternberg placed intimacy at the top of the triangle. To Sternberg, intimacy meant the close bonds partners might share with each other. It reflects how interested they are in each other, how they show respect to each other, caring for the welfare of the other and in general, contributing to their partner’s happiness.
Consider your own relationship: How do you and your partner practice intimacy as defined above? How well do you communicate your ideas and feelings? Do you hold each other in high regard? Do you value each other? How warm do you feel around each other?
Passion
To the left of the triangle, Sternberg placed passion. He said that passion is an important component in the beginning of relationships because it reflects strong feelings of desire, attraction and love. Initially, it contributes to the motivation for loving. It combines romance, physical attraction and sex.
Consider your own relationship: How do you and your partner demonstrate romance? How special does your partner make you feel? How might you rate the quality of your sex life on a scale of 1-10, 10 being full satisfaction? How sexy and desired do you feel?
Commitment
To the right side of the triangle is commitment. Commitment refers to a couple’s decision to be together, and in the long term, to the maintenance of their love. It refers to choice. Choice is not limited to a one-time decision in the beginning. It’s a daily exercise of not only choosing your partner, but also of maintaining your love, through thick and thin.
Consider your own relationship: What do you do on a daily, weekly or monthly basis that helps you maintain the love of your relationship? Be careful not to only name the ways you manage life together. Focus on how you behaviorally show your partner that you commit to your love.
Apply This to Your Relationship
The experience of life-long loving, as shown in the Triangular Theory of Love, helps us understand that a healthy relationship cannot succeed on just any one component of the triangle. Even further, we can see that when all areas are strong, the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts.
Naturally, as you ride the ebb and flow of your relationship, there will be times when some components feel stronger than others. There will also be times when the strength of one component will increase the strength of another. And vice versa. They’re interconnected.
Sternberg wrote that when all three components are strong, couples achieve, what he calls consummate love. In consummate love, couples feel happier together than apart, work through conflict with grace, delight in each other’s stories and enjoy a healthy sex life.
We believe that many couples can experience consummate love throughout the lifetime of their relationship but not as a constant state of existence. All relationships ebb and flow. For those couples who worry about any component of the triangle, well, there’s resources that can help greatly improve all three areas.
When couples take our Intimacy Breakthrough course for couples, they get closer to consummate love. They learn to make time for their relationship (commitment), strengthen communication, positive regard, empathy, affection (intimacy) and find their spark through sexual connection (passion).
Consider the questions above, below each component of the triangle. Check-in with yourself. Be honest.
