Healing After Infidelity and Betrayal
I see many couples in the practice because of infidelity, affairs, cheating and/or betrayal.
In these deeply painful experiences, couples not only struggle with the most fundamental concept of commitment but also with attempting to maintain their love during their crisis.
When Ashley Madison was hacked in 2016, an interview on NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.
Most couples have no map, no fallback plan, no direction on where to go once the affair is discovered or revealed.
“NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.”
If you’ve experienced infidelity or betrayal, the pain endured by both of you can feel insurmountable.
Restoring commitment in its most fundamental sense can feel nearly impossible for you.
Yet, with attention, intention, effort, and patience, I’ve seen couples move from near divorce to complete healing.
Couples may seek therapy at different stages of this journey.
Here are some examples of when partners contact us:
- One partner suspects the other is cheating. Rather than sit alone with his concerns, he’ll use therapy as a means to explore what to do and how to handle it.
- One partner is on the brink of having an affair or actively having one. She’ll use therapy to try to gain clarity about her conflicted feelings.
- A betrayed partner discovers an affair and experiences a crisis of emotions. Feeling total devastation and loss, she’ll immediately seek out couple’s therapy for guidance.
- A betrayed partner cannot get past a previous affair discovery. It may be years later and the couple struggles to move on. They may schedule for themselves to see how they can “get past” what happened.
Transparency, Accountability and Time
Initially, it will be important for couples to practice transparency and accountability.
If you are the betrayed partner, you hold a whirlwind of emotions that must be expressed.
Critical to healing, you’ll need to express your anxiety, anger, fear, disappointment, shock and overall devastation.
It’s natural for you to ask questions about the affair, remain suspicious for a period of time, and to question everything.
If you are the involved partner, you must hold yourself accountable for the decision to step outside the relationship, even if you feel justified in doing so.
You may have your own separate emotional experience that can also include fear, sadness, desperation, relief and concern.
It’s natural for you to avoid answering questions but you cannot avoid all questions.
Most importantly, you’ll both need to value time.
Time will help you move out of a crisis state, develop insight into your relationship and possibly envision a future together.
“Time helps couples move out of a crisis state, develop insight into their relationship and envision a future together”
Is it Possible to Experience Intimacy During a Crisis?
In therapy, as couples move through these phases, they learn how to practice the behaviors associated with “loving” while healing from an affair.
Amongst the many skills learned, couples practice communication, empathy, vulnerability, transparency, care for the welfare of the other, honesty, trust-building, and forgiveness.
Learning these skills isn’t a guarantee that you will stay together.
For some couples, the best decision, while difficult, is separation.
Before you move into those big decisions alone, please consider seeking therapy.
Therapy provides a space for couples to explore the healthiest way for them to heal.
Therapy shows couples how to practice “loving”, whether they choose to stay together or to separate.
Research tells us that couples will wait five years before they seek out relationship help.
The Silent Divide
For many affair couples, they unknowingly experienced a silent divide, a slow and steady series of actions and inactions that laid the groundwork for the affair(s) to occur.
Remember, commitment isn’t a one-time act. It’s a series of behaviors that nurture your relationship over its lifespan.
This happens on the days when life feels ordinary, mundane and fine, as well as when you struggle to be in each other’s company.
With so many tools/resources at your disposal, from articles and books, podcasts and courses, and/or therapy, it’s easier than ever to stay attuned, connect and practice loving every day.
