Relationship Maintenance
I recently received a call from a former couple that I worked with. They said, “Can we come back in for a few sessions? We need a tune-up!”
Relationships require a certain level of maintenance. Just like a car requires standard maintenance a few times a year, well, your relationship does too.
Unfortunately, so many couples misconstrue this reality.
Have you ever had thoughts like this?
Here is a list of mistaken beliefs that many couples think when it comes to relationship maintenance and nurturing:
- If we have to work at it, then something is wrong.
- I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need, he should just know!
- Sex should just happen, we shouldn’t have to talk about it.
- She should know I love her, why should I have to say it all the time?
- Isn’t it obvious that I appreciate what he does?
- Why do I have to thank him for picking up the kids? He’s supposed to do that.
- We’ve been together 30 years, isn’t it clear that I’m not going anywhere?
- We have sex at least once a week, clearly she’s satisfied.
- Yes, I work late a lot but he understands. If he was unhappy, he’d tell me.
Do you see the pattern here?
These simple statements show us a series of common thoughts that can become relationship poison.
Let me show you what lurks beneath them.
There are 3 Components of Love that help couples connect and build a healthy foundation. In this blog, “What to do if You’re Falling Out Of Love”, we talk in-depth about Sternberg’s theory.
Current research tells us that a predictor for divorce is not infidelity, lack of romance, financial stress, or co-parenting differences.
It’s a lack of love.
Relationship Maintenance At Every Stage
Whether you’ve been together five years or 50, whether you’re a new family or empty nesters, your relationship is the vehicle that you ride together through life.
If you’re not regularly maintaining it, well, you become a hazard to your family and to yourselves.
It’s so easy to let life get in the way of your relationship focus but as the authors have written in the book, A General Theory of Love, “If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be last on the list…”
Dropping your time with your partner should be last on your list.
Try This “Tuning In” Exercise
One of the exercises I like to give couples in therapy is called the Relationship Check-In.
In this exercise, you’ll take turns sharing:
- Set aside 20 minutes each week to check in with your partner.
- Put away all electronics and find a private space in your home.
- Try to check-in before either partner gets too tired (not too late).
- Start by naming something that you appreciate about your partner.
- Name something you might be struggling with in the relationship and name what you might need more or less of from your partner.
- Tell your partner that you love them if that feels right for you. Hug.
In this exercise, no topic is off-limits.
It’s a great exercise in staying connected, holding space for both positive and negative experiences and clearly communicating what you each desire.
It’s also important to stick to the 20 minutes.
If check-ins become 2-hour marathons, no one will want to participate.
If a difficult topic is raised, it’s helpful to know that:
- The partner with the complaint has the time and space to share it
- The time to focus on a difficult topic is boundaried and softened by positive feelings.
When couples commit to this exercise, they almost always report feeling closer, more connected, in communication and generally happy with each other. Is it time for a relationship tune-up?
Fun Ways to Nurture Your Love
In addition to regular check-ins, it’s also helpful to be kind and offer loving gestures when the opportunity arises.
Small things like cooking your partner’s favorite meal, bringing her a cup of coffee in bed, washing his car for him or going out on regular date nights go a long way to demonstrate caring.
There are so many ways to attend to and maintain your love. Maintaining what you have together isn’t a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign that you care so much.
What are all the ways you attend to your relationship?
