The Spiritual Divorce
Unfortunately, many couples experience divorce before they actually formally divorce.
Divorce is often the result of a silent separation that happens over many years. It creeps in slowly and quietly. No specific trauma required.
In fact, it can happen when couples don’t practice the most fundamental aspects of loving:
- Intimacy – genuine care for the welfare of the other, mutually sharing thoughts and feelings, being supportive, practicing empathy
- Passion – demonstrating attraction, desire and physical connection through affection and sexual exchanges
- Commitment – attending to the relationship in a conscious, mindful way on a consistent basis
It all comes back to this article where we learned about Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love.
Are You in a Spiritual Divorce?
In her book, Learning to Love Yourself, author Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse offers the following symptoms as signs that you may be in a spiritual divorce:
- Habitual sadness in the couple – low energy
- Mutual sentiments of boredom and emptiness
- Indifference to each other’s problems or dreams
- Frequent coldness or avoidance in sexual encounters
- Lack of small courtesies and politeness
- Climate of mutual distrust
- More confidence in someone outside the relationship than with each other
- Communication routine and superficial
- Frequent feelings of being alone or misunderstood
- Insults and sarcasm and a discomfort with healthy anger
- Much avoidance and little confrontation
- Overbusy and chaotic social or professional life
- Loss of capacity for play and joy
- An atmosphere of the “violence of silence” in the home
Notice how many behaviors from this list tie right back to the Triangular Theory of Love.
Passivity, Disengagement and Loss of Interest
What stands out to me in the spiritual divorce is not so much what’s done but what’s not done. This list reflects a couple that has lost interest in each other, who engage passively, lack meaningful dialogue or experiences, live parallel lives, avoid each other and feel lonely even though they share a life together.
In modern love, it’s easy for this to happen, even to couples that were once incredibly close.
Modern-day couples live with unprecedented demands, especially in today’s climate of managing life during a global pandemic along with our charged political climate.
Even in moments where you might feel like you can relax, these issues sit beneath the surface. They’re with you on every shopping trip, school drop-off, family event, work engagement and social media feed.
It’s hard for our bodies and minds to drop into real relaxation. It’s hard to have the energy to be interested in your partner’s day. Life feels hard right now.
If You Find Yourself in a Spiritual Divorce
If you’ve read the list above and can check many of the statements, please don’t panic. You can find your way back to a more connected, loving relationship. It’s not too late.
Here’s a great exercise to try with your partner.
Time Machine
- Set aside an hour on a Friday or Saturday night
- Make tea or cocktails with a snack
- Start to go back in time and remember when you first met
- Talk about that day/night
- Who approached who?
- What attracted you to each other?
- What was your first date like? First kiss?
- What felt fun and light back then?
- What individual hobbies were you into?
- How did you like to spend your time as a couple?
- As you go back in time, notice how it feels to remember. What do you miss?
- What are the qualities that you want to bring back to your life now?
- What matters to you most?
- How can you make some changes?
- What are you both willing to commit to?
- Hug often as the night unfolds
You Can Reset and Restart
Finding your groove again as a couple doesn’t always have to require grand gestures. You don’t have to take a vacation somewhere to find each other, although vacations are certainly nice.
Sometimes, a few meaningful conversations can get the ball rolling. But talk isn’t enough.
You have to follow through with action.
What actions can you put into place (remember, small and meaningful go a long way) to start to bridge a divide that might have been growing between you?
What behaviors are you willing to shift to prevent a spiritual divorce?
