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Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

by | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress

If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond?  Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you.  We all wear multiple hats.

Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention.  Trust me; I get it.  Life demands a lot from you.  But, are you too busy?

The Power of Choice

When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?”  I know, you’re puzzled by this question.

Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.

I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.

Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices.  We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.

You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness.  Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.

So, the question is – Are you too busy?  If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop.  Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end.  You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.

Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself 

Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out.  Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.

Asked yourself these three questions:

  1. Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?

Mindfulness is about paying attention.  When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle.  If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”

  1. Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?

If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value.  You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth.  There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing.  (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)

I want you to think about where that comes from for you.  How is busyness tied up in your self-worth?  And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?

  1. Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?

Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules.  I call this the “shoulds.”  I should do this, or I should do that.  I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event.  It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.

We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”.  In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.

Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live.  Ask yourself, Am I too busy?  If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need.  Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.

A wise person knows their limits.  Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty.  Busyness robs you of fulfillment.  The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life.  You have a say in how you live.  Now, go live your best life!

Love. Live. Better

At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better!  We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better?  Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better.  Life is more manageable.  You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.

Let’s make love the primary focus.  When we do that, we all know that we are living better.

21 Cheap and Thoughtful Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

by | Feb 12, 2018 | General, Holidays, Love, Mindfulness, Relationships, Valentine's Day

What keeps long-term relationships alive?  Novelty. New experiences. Stepping outside of your typical box. This does not require expensive gifts! Let love and affection lead your celebration of romance this Valentine’s Day.

Some of the ideas below are not rocket science. But I guarantee you probably don’t do them. Why? Because they are stupid-simple. We tend to over-do, over buy, over think Valentine’s Day.

Remember, this day is not about expensive gifts. It’s about thoughtfulness, consideration, love, affection, and attention towards the one you love.

Below you will find 21 ideas on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day without spending lots of money. Remember, meaning and thoughtfulness go much farther than lavish gifts. Here’s what you can do for the one that you love:

21 Ideas On How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

  1. Make breakfast in bed
  2. Retell the story of when you first met, highlighting what made them “the one” for you
  3. Make a list of all the ways their presence in your life makes your life better and share it with them
  4. Begin and end your day with a one minute, heartfelt hug
  5. Send a love letter through snail mail
  6. Turn on music, grab your partner and dance in your kitchen
  7. Frame your favorite picture of them (just your partner, not a couple’s picture) and tell them why you love that one
  8. Frame a favorite picture of the two of you
  9. Hide little candy hearts in different places so that your partner finds them throughout the day
  10. Reminisce about your wedding day and tell your partner the one memory you have of them that you love from that day
  11. Give your partner a head to toe massage
  12. Make a homemade Valentine’s Day card
  13. Try to cook a fancy dinner together
  14. Feed your partner a favorite dessert (it’s okay to laugh throughout, in fact, I encourage it)
  15. Leave a card on their car windshield so that it greets them in the morning
  16. Surprise them with a bubble bath, just for them, with candles and champagne
  17. Bake a cake together
  18. Make a music playlist (their favorites, romantic songs, pick your theme)
  19. Turn off technology for the night or for a weekend, play games instead or turn in early and spend time having pillow talk
  20. Send an affectionate text several times that day with kissy face emoji’s and hearts
  21. Rent or stream their favorite movie, one you know they can watch over and over again (key: watch it with them!)

As you can see, it doesn’t take much to bring a little fun into your Valentine’s Day. If you can’t swing these things on a weekday, table your celebration for the weekend and tell them how much you look forward to that time together.

Sweet little somethings. Creative. Fun. Easy. Thoughtful. Loving.

Why Your Relationship Disappoints You

by | Jan 9, 2014 | Marriage Survival, Relationships

John and Kim came into therapy due to financial differences. Partnered for many years, they kept separate bank accounts. John always thought they would join their bank accounts but Kim assumed they would always keep finances separate.

Sara and Joe were married for three years and had an active sex life during courtship. Sara particularly enjoyed receiving oral sex from Joe but shortly after getting married, Joe stopped performing it. He claimed he didn’t enjoy it, despite having performed it numerous times prior to marriage.

Betty and Bob had a planned pregnancy after partnering for 5 years. Bob always thought that Betty would be a stay at home mom. A successful sales woman, Betty assumed that the baby would to go daycare and she could return to work.

Kate and Meredith finally had the baby they always wanted. Kate looked forward to nurturing their trio but Meredith wanted her mom, Phyllis, over every week so Phyllis could bond with her grandchild. Kate had a different postpartum vision.

Vinnie and Maria both grew up in Italian families. Vinnie assumed that once they were married, they would cook Sunday dinner for the extended family weekly. Maria worked 60 hours per week and had no intention of hosting elaborate weekly dinners.

What do these five couples have in common? Each couple experiences a disruption in their contract. When a couple commits to a long term relationship, each individual holds certain expectations. When stated out loud, couples may find agreement or work out their differences. However, all couples also carry unspoken contracts or expectations. When these are not met, the unspoken contract becomes a wedge in the partnership.

In couples therapy, we help to unpack the various levels of your unspoken contracts. Whether we discuss money, sex, religion, extended family, family planning, employment or parenting, our work focuses on helping you find a way to bridge your contract differences.

Communication prior to moving in together certainly helps uncover these unspoken expectations but will not catch them all. Some of your expectations are not fully known to you.  They often relate to the dynamics in your family of origin – the contract being to replicate those dynamics or to create the opposite dynamic.

If you currently experience a wedge between you and your partner, consider what’s in your unspoken contract that has suddenly emerged.

  • How does this expectation tie back to your family of origin?
  • By holding this expectation, what are you trying to avoid?
  • By holding this expectation, what do you want to replicate?
  • Were you aware of this prior to committing to your partner?
  • Did you ever discuss this with your partner?

Once you answer these questions, discuss your responses. Ask your partner to answer the same questions. Once you’ve discussed your differences, you must ask:

  • Can I be flexible?
  • What would happen if I flexed my expectations?
  • What scares me about being more flexible?

For some partners, their expectations leave no room for negotiation. Your partner needs to know this so he/she can decide whether they have flexibility. If not, hard decisions must be made. For this phase of the conversation, I encourage you to search deeply. What are you holding onto?

A friend of mine once told me that his relationship success is due to not having expectations. I do not believe that to be true. We all hold certain expectations and expect our partners to fulfill our contracts. We just may not realize we have them.

Find Your Courage to Need

by | Oct 17, 2013 | Intimacy, Relationships

I remember my client, Joan, who adamantly said to me, “I am not getting close to you because I don’t want to need you”. I was struck by her honesty and self-awareness. She knew exactly what to avoid, why she did it and admittedly so.  She showed up for therapy weekly to check it off her to-do list.  She did not engage with me in a way that fostered any intimacy or connection. She worked hard to keep a safe distance.

Disconnection became a necessary skill so she could survive her family. Throughout her life, from childhood into adulthood, her parents emotionally abandoned her. No wonder she didn’t want to need me or anyone else. If she could not rely on her own parents to support and love her, how could she expect anyone else to?  She absorbed the covert message, “you are not lovable” as her truth. She even struggled to love herself.

Joan wanted to connect to others. She wanted a life partner. That’s why she came to see me. Yet, a part of her wanted to stay disconnected and alone. It felt safer.

Joan’s perception of need showed up in all of her relationships. She told me she did not reveal much of herself to anyone in her life. She valued autonomy and viewed need as a sign of weakness.

Joan may have been stuck in a stage of “immature need“. According to Brian and Marcia Gleason, LCSWs, partners demonstrate immature need through expressions like, ‘I can’t live without you’.  Immature need encompasses a desperation for an other.  It is regressive in nature. Joan did not want to become dependent on me. Her fear:  if she were to “need” me, she might not be able to function without me. A terrifying thought for someone who worked so hard at autonomy.

When you approach your partner from immature need, you enter that relationship incomplete. Your partner’s presence fills a void in your life. This is why you might feel threatened to live without them.  Their absence brings you back to an old wound. You might even think to yourself, “He/she completes me”. The truth is no one can fill that void for you. Your work is to strive for “mature need“.

The Gleason’s describe mature need as a “source of courageous connection”. In their book, Exceptional Marriage, they write:

When couples are able to see each other in truth (neither idealizing nor demonizing), they are then open to feeling mature need. To allow ourselves to experience the full-bodied, wholly conscious, undefended need for our partner is high up on the list of peak experiences. To feel, to express, to reveal that ‘I need you’ from the fullness of my heart and soul, transports me to the absolute highest reaches of the human experience. It is a thing of miraculous beauty. It is also scary as hell.

Mature need requires you to let down all of your defenses. This experiences proves to be your most powerful and vulnerable. When you express mature need, you admit the significance of your partner. However, couples who demonstrate “mature need” know that they can also live without their partners. They simply choose not to.

The Gleason’s summarize it this way:

Their “I need you” is not the desperate, demanding immature need of earlier stages. It is the fully aware knowledge that ‘With you, I am capable of so much more than without you’ “

When you approach a relationship from a place of mature need, you enter the relationship as a complete and whole person.  Your partner does not complete you, he/she complements you. When you join each other as two whole, complete persons, your potential grows far beyond the sum of your parts.

Mature need transforms you.

Can You Prevent Your Relationship from Ending?

by | Aug 28, 2013 | Divorce/Separation, Relationships

Can you prevent your relationship from ending?

A client, whose partner has distanced themselves significantly from him, said, “I live like she’s gone”. He said, “I make all the beds, clean the whole house, get the kids to school, you know, everything that I’d have to do if she wasn’t there because she may not be there anymore anyway”. He admitted that if he had done more of these things before, he might not be in this situation. His partner refuses couples therapy at this time. How often do we wait until our partners are almost gone to step up in our relationship, whether domestically, emotionally or physically?

Loss prompts us to finally look, to see the person before us, to appreciate them more fully, to participate more.

It reminds me of that phrase, “It’s on my bucket list”. We need the inevitability of death to prompt us to live a full life. It’s the same with relationships. If we consciously know our relationship is in jeopardy, we step up more. We love greater, show more affection, try to schedule dates, dress better, clean up, buy flowers, do more chores, work harder. If your partner said, “[Your name], I’m just not happy in this relationship/marriage/partnership. I love you but I want more. I think we may need to separate.”. What feelings does that evoke in you? What would you do to save the relationship?

While some couples weather these storms, others do not make it.

Chronic dissatisfaction can cause one partner to stop loving the other. The feelings die. Then there is loss. What causes this dynamic and how do we prevent it?

First, and most importantly, you must communicate what you feel, long before you stop loving your mate.

Do not hold it in. Holding it in creates resentment and anger. Your partner is not a mind reader. Do not assume that he/she “should just know” what you want or that your hints are clear expressions. Say what you want to your partner, directly, in a way that supports both you and your partner. Build collaborative dialogue into your communication.

Second, check-in with each other frequently to ask how you are both doing.

Are your wants/needs met? What does your partner need? Too often, we assume that the person we initially committed to is the same, even after months or years. We assume that what he/she liked or wanted then is what he/she likes and wants now. We all change, grow and evolve. As a loving partner, your role is to continually ask questions, take an interest, be curious about who you’re partner is today, tomorrow and all days that follow.

Third, remember that each and every day, you choose to be together.

You both have the choice to leave on any given day. Stating your commitment formally or informally does not guarantee that your partner will always be there. Know this: A greater guarantee of relationship success involves conscious communication, attention, teamwork and loving expression. My client sits in the discomfort of marital discord, potential loss of his nuclear family and deep regret and sadness. While he knows he cannot change the past, he makes every attempt now to do what he can to save his marriage. He keeps trying despite the awareness that it may be too late. He practices self-examination and humbly holds himself accountable for his actions. However, he cannot save his relationship by himself and he has a partner who will not come into therapy.

So, can you prevent your relationship from ending?

Value your partner and your relationship now. Today. Communicate effectively, directly and lovingly today. Start now before your partner says that it’s just too late.

Do You Connect at a Distance?

by | Aug 21, 2013 | Connection, Relationships

We all hold certain roles in our relationships that can shift.  I’m not talking about who takes out the trash or who puts the kids to bed.  I’m writing about a deeper relational dynamic. As biologically-programmed social creatures, we seek and crave connection to an other. True connection requires a certain level of intimacy. Yet our fear of intimacy can drive us to create relational dynamics that defy our very goals for emotional and physical closeness.

Do you remember the honeymoon stage of your relationship? You probably couldn’t get enough of each other. Through total immersion, you temporarily became one. Initially blissful, this immersion may have also suffocated you.  So you came up for air and began to differentiate, meaning, you began to identify and express your differences. Why? You needed connection and some autonomy. The balance is delicate and essential for individual and relational health.

Moving toward and away from your partner is a natural state. In Gestalt therapy, we refer to this as contact and withdrawal.  We have moments when we can meet our partners fully (contact). We also step back (withdrawal) and come forward again. Like ocean waves that roll in to meet the shore line and recede back into the great seas, we too, ebb and flow.

What would happen if the waves didn’t recede from the shoreline? What happens when your partner (or you) keeps coming forward (pursuer) without ever withdrawing? Usually, the receiving partner withdraws or distances from the pursuer.  This withdrawal prompts the pursuer to press harder and the distancer to withdraw further.

Psychotherapist and author, Steve Betchen D.S.W. identifies the pursuer-distancer dynamic (or p-d) as a natural dynamic of relationships. In his book, Intrusive Partners, Elusive Mates, he writes that when these incidences are isolated, the relationship might not necessarily suffer.  He adds that if this dynamic is chronic, fixed and crosses across multiple contexts, trouble may be inevitable.

If you identify with the p-d dynamic, what motivates you to stay in your relationship? If your needs are chronically not met, why keep pursuing? Why keep distancing?  Why stay with a partner who does not meet your needs? Perhaps you both have an underlying fear of intimacy.

Betchen paraphrases psychiatrist Thomas Fogarty, M.D.:

He contended that all people want closeness; they want to be cared for, to be accepted. However, he felt that people took the ability to become close too lightly. In fact, he suggested, when two people begin to move toward one another with the expectation of closeness, the emotionality or intensity that accompanies this process may result in fusion followed by desperate need for space and distance. To achieve this degree of space, one partner may become the pursuer and the other distanced. In this way, the couple fixes the distance between them with the pursuer pursuing and the distancer distancing. The more the pursuer pursues, the more the distanced distances and vice versa.”

Read his statement again. I read it several times. It says that as much as a couple might claim to want greater closeness, they simultaneously create dynamics that prevent true intimacy from occurring. They co-create this process.

Intimacy is defined as the ability to be open and honest with someone, free from judgement and criticism. Difference and conflict may exist but does not prevent you both from engaging in the discussion. Intimacy allows you to discuss even the most controversial, uncomfortable subjects with open, fully present exchange.

In Gestalt Therapy, healthy contact reflects intimacy.  In her book, The Wounded Healer, author Mariah Fenton Gladis writes,

Healthy contact functioning is perhaps the single most important capacity we possess. It is what makes or breaks relationships, binds or destroys families, and allies or alienates nations. It is what enables you to get your love across. To not have this capacity is to be emotionally and interpersonally disabled”.

You may say that you want an intimate relationship. You may identify the p-d dynamic in your relationship. This means that although you want intimacy, you put up roadblocks to have it.  You connect at a distance.

I ask you, “What are you afraid of?”

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