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Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

by | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress

If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond?  Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you.  We all wear multiple hats.

Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention.  Trust me; I get it.  Life demands a lot from you.  But, are you too busy?

The Power of Choice

When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?”  I know, you’re puzzled by this question.

Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.

I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.

Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices.  We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.

You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness.  Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.

So, the question is – Are you too busy?  If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop.  Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end.  You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.

Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself 

Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out.  Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.

Asked yourself these three questions:

  1. Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?

Mindfulness is about paying attention.  When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle.  If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”

  1. Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?

If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value.  You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth.  There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing.  (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)

I want you to think about where that comes from for you.  How is busyness tied up in your self-worth?  And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?

  1. Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?

Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules.  I call this the “shoulds.”  I should do this, or I should do that.  I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event.  It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.

We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”.  In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.

Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live.  Ask yourself, Am I too busy?  If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need.  Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.

A wise person knows their limits.  Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty.  Busyness robs you of fulfillment.  The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life.  You have a say in how you live.  Now, go live your best life!

Love. Live. Better

At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better!  We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better?  Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better.  Life is more manageable.  You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.

Let’s make love the primary focus.  When we do that, we all know that we are living better.

21 Cheap and Thoughtful Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

by | Feb 12, 2018 | General, Holidays, Love, Mindfulness, Relationships, Valentine's Day

What keeps long-term relationships alive?  Novelty. New experiences. Stepping outside of your typical box. This does not require expensive gifts! Let love and affection lead your celebration of romance this Valentine’s Day.

Some of the ideas below are not rocket science. But I guarantee you probably don’t do them. Why? Because they are stupid-simple. We tend to over-do, over buy, over think Valentine’s Day.

Remember, this day is not about expensive gifts. It’s about thoughtfulness, consideration, love, affection, and attention towards the one you love.

Below you will find 21 ideas on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day without spending lots of money. Remember, meaning and thoughtfulness go much farther than lavish gifts. Here’s what you can do for the one that you love:

21 Ideas On How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

  1. Make breakfast in bed
  2. Retell the story of when you first met, highlighting what made them “the one” for you
  3. Make a list of all the ways their presence in your life makes your life better and share it with them
  4. Begin and end your day with a one minute, heartfelt hug
  5. Send a love letter through snail mail
  6. Turn on music, grab your partner and dance in your kitchen
  7. Frame your favorite picture of them (just your partner, not a couple’s picture) and tell them why you love that one
  8. Frame a favorite picture of the two of you
  9. Hide little candy hearts in different places so that your partner finds them throughout the day
  10. Reminisce about your wedding day and tell your partner the one memory you have of them that you love from that day
  11. Give your partner a head to toe massage
  12. Make a homemade Valentine’s Day card
  13. Try to cook a fancy dinner together
  14. Feed your partner a favorite dessert (it’s okay to laugh throughout, in fact, I encourage it)
  15. Leave a card on their car windshield so that it greets them in the morning
  16. Surprise them with a bubble bath, just for them, with candles and champagne
  17. Bake a cake together
  18. Make a music playlist (their favorites, romantic songs, pick your theme)
  19. Turn off technology for the night or for a weekend, play games instead or turn in early and spend time having pillow talk
  20. Send an affectionate text several times that day with kissy face emoji’s and hearts
  21. Rent or stream their favorite movie, one you know they can watch over and over again (key: watch it with them!)

As you can see, it doesn’t take much to bring a little fun into your Valentine’s Day. If you can’t swing these things on a weekday, table your celebration for the weekend and tell them how much you look forward to that time together.

Sweet little somethings. Creative. Fun. Easy. Thoughtful. Loving.

3 Steps to Improving Intimacy: What is Your Relationship EPS?

by | Jan 31, 2018 | General, Intimacy, Love

This is for you whether or not you are in a relationship. If you are in a relationship, think of these steps as a how-to guide to improving intimacy in your relationship. If you are single, think of these steps as a way to spark the relationship you want to create.

If you are proactively trying to educate yourself, like many of my clients, then this framework is for you. This is for anyone looking to overcome typical obstacles and areas that people get stuck when they are trying to make their long-term relationships work – basically when sex becomes complicated.

Improving Intimacy is 3-Fold

Intimacy is a broad subject. There are three main areas to address when we talk about improving intimacy. Think of these areas as touchpoints within the larger topic of intimacy. Breaking intimacy down into a three-part framework helps to create a concrete framework. It simplifies intimacy for you, so you can get to work on nurturing your connection with your partner.

What is your Relationship EPS?

You are familiar with GPS – a system for navigating where to go and how to get to your destination. To navigate where you want to go in your relationship, you need to pay attention to how you nurture intimacy with your partner. This is what I call your EPS.

Intimacy or Relationship EPS breaks down into:

  1. Emotional Connection
  2. Physical Connection
  3. Sexual Connection

3 Steps to Improving Intimacy

Intimacy is not just about sex. Please do not make that mistake. Physical intimacy is just one component of nurturing your connection with your partner. There are three steps to improving intimacy.

  1. Have emotional conversations with your partner. You do not want to just talk about life management. Make sure to talk about how you feel. I am referring to your emotional reaction to what is happening in your relationship. Whether you are navigating conflict, talking about money or sex, it is not just about the content. The conversation is about the feelings behind the content; that is what makes the difference for nurturing intimacy.
  2. Make room for touch that does not become sexual. Physical connection specifically refers to non-sexual touch. When touch only leads to sex, someone is going to start shying away from physical touch in the relationship. Reach out to touch a hand, give a hug, share a kiss or a cuddle – with no intention of turning it into a sexual experience. What that touch does is it communicates safety. It builds in a sense of security for the partnership.
  3. Ask yourself – Am I nurturing my sex life? Am I engaging in it? Am I participating in it? What I want you to think about on a consistent basis is whether you think about sex (if at all). Think about how you contribute to your sexual connection.

All three areas of your intimacy work together. Each of the three steps works together to nurture your intimacy. Think of Relationship EPS like a braid. Each strand weaves and overlaps until they begin to interlock. When the strands work together (in harmony), they produce a beautiful braid (your relationship). When they fray, the braid breaks apart.

11 Questions to Help You Create an Intentional New Year

by | Dec 22, 2017 | General, Holidays, Personal Growth

Sometimes, I love the fresh start of the New Year. I’ve even noticed that on certain years, I’ve felt eager to see the previous year go. Have you been there too?

This fall, I’ve been more thoughtful about preparing for next year than ever before. It’s felt good to reflect on my life, my career, my family, my marriage.

I’ve used my reflections to help me focus on what feels most important to me, what I’ve missed and what I want more of. I’ve enjoyed my personal process so much that I thought I’d bring it to you as a way to help you and/or your partner create a meaningful, intentional, purposeful, inspiring 2018!

Before we ring in the new year, share these questions with your honey and answer them together. I’m planning on doing the same. If you are not partnered, simply tweak the questions to focus exclusively on you and all that you want to manifest for yourself (you can even do this with a bestie!)

11 Questions To Help You Create An Intentional New Year

  1. What’s the one activity (big or small) that we did together that I would want to brag about to all of my friends?
  2. Looking back on this year, what one word describes our relationship? Our year?
  3. If someone wrote a book about our life in 2017, what kind of book would it be? (Drama, comedy, mystery, etc)
  4. What was our funniest moment of the year? (Funny as in laugh out loud funny)
  5. What new relationship habits did we cultivate over the past 12 months??
  6. I witnessed you personally grow when ___________________ happened.
  7. What was the best news we received this past year?
  8. What is the greatest challenge we faced together as a couple?
  9. What’s one goal we said we wanted to accomplish and followed through with?
  10. What do I feel most grateful for about you/us this past year?
  11. What’s one word to describe what we want for ourselves in 2018? Individually/as a couple

Why Reflect?

As far as we know, we only get one life to live. Just one. Each day that passes, well, we don’t get it back. The time to go from good to awesome is NOW! Knowing where you’ve been helps you chart where you want to go.

So, here’s to you, to your awesomeness and to all that 2018 has in store for you!

I can’t wait to hear all about it:)

Happy New Year

5 Step Process to Intimate Love

by | Aug 25, 2017 | General, Intimacy

Do you fear intimate love? You’re not the only one. We all want deep connection. Sometimes we even crave it.  Yet, we find ways to block or ignore intimate moments.

Want some examples? Staying single. Spending more time on tech than with our partners. Sustaining chronic conflict. Living in a sexless marriage. I could go on.

 

Why do we do this? Because intimacy is friggen scary. Pardon the passive “f” word but it fits. In fact, I teach about this in my Intimacy Revival Platinum program. In this 6-month program, couples practice three components of intimacy:

  • Courage
  • Risk
  • Vulnerability

When I created this program, I searched for definitions on vulnerability. Oxford dictionary published one that struck me deeply.

“The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

Wow. Did you read that definition??? This helps you understand why you might dance around this topic. On the one hand, you are wise to protect yourself. But watch yourself. You might also prevent yourself from being fully known or loved.

You deserve to feel loved. And you can’t feel truly loved – emotionally, physically and/or sexually – until you surrender into intimacy. One does not exist without the other. I know, hard news to take but it’s true.

Think of it this way. It’s a 5 step process toward intimate love. It looks like this:

 

5 Step Process of Intimate Love

Step 1: Tap into your courage so that you can take greater intimacy risks.

Step 2: Say yes to risk despite your fears (rejection, abandonment, disappointment, etc).

Step 3: Take risks through the vulnerable act of mental, emotional and sexual transparency.

Step 4:  Use this transparency to create clarity, confidence, closeness and trust.

Step 5: Reap the rewards of full, authentic, honest and whole love.

One thing that I know is this:

Every single person that steps into my office possesses the first step: Tapping into courage. I know that you have courage too. Step into your own courage to create an unbreakable, intimate love.

Lessons on Romantic Love This Valentine’s Day

by | Feb 10, 2017 | General, Valentine's Day

Lessons on Romantic Love

If you haven’t caught this sweet, super short love story called “A Romance That Started With a Mistake”, recorded for StoryCorps, then click the link to listen and come back to this post. I’m struck by how Bill and Claudia touch on key elements on what makes a relationship strong.

In less than three minutes, this couple highlights the following:

Feeling “Flustered” and “Tingly”

Do you remember those days? Think back to the time when you first met your love. Did you get butterflies in your stomach? Did your face feel hot? Did you find yourself breathing differently or stumbling over your words? Your emotions of love and sense of attraction registered physically in your body. What do you remember feeling in your body when you first met? Share this memory with your partner.

“You Made Me Happy”

I love how Bill shares his vulnerability with such ease. How often do you let your partner know how happy they make you? Does your conversation focus more on what is wrong with them? Is there room to acknowledge those moments where your partner brings you joy, contentment and happiness?  Consider those moments and let your partner know.

“You Were Still You”

Claudia shares how despite Bill’s physical disability, she saw him as a whole person. How often do you criticize your body or that of your partner?  Whether due to aging, childbearing years, disability or dysfunction, how often do you only see parts of yourself and not your whole self? This couple highlights how love and attraction are more than skin deep. Consider what physical and non-physical traits attracted you to your partner, then and now. Think of how meaningful it could feel to them to know this. 

“Enduring Traits”

Claudia openly shared what she admires about Bill.  What do you admire about your partner? How many qualities can you name? How often do you take the time so say, “Hey, you know what I love about you, I love how you _______.”. Think about how impactful it would be to acknowledge those specific traits that you admire most of all. How special would your partner feel if they knew you thought so highly of them?

“We Put Us First”

Bill acknowledges how Claudia put their relationship first. No matter what. As a result of this, many years later, they still sound madly in love with each other. Best of friends. Lovers. How often do you make your relationship top priority? What might you both need to shift so that you can spend more time attending to the love between you?

“What are you hoping for us in this final chapter?”

Bill and Claudia look to their future. Bill made a joke, where he may be partially or wholly serious, but I have no doubt that they deepen this conversation. By asking this question, Claudia shows us how she holds conscious, intention-setting discussions. She is committed to him and together, they look to their future and see each other in it. What would the answer be if you and your partner were to answer the question, “What are you hoping for us in our future together?”

***

In less than three minutes, Bill and Claudia showed us what intimacy looks and feels like.

They allowed themselves to be vulnerable by freely expressing their physical attraction and admiration for one another, demonstrating transparency, confirming the priority of their relationship, and looking to their future together.

Research teaches us how important it is for you, as romantic partners, to have a solid base of friendship.

We also know that intimacy requires your vulnerability – the ability to say, “I need you”, to let your partner see you fully and to verbalize what you love about them more than merely focusing on where you struggle. 

We also know that tending to your relationship requires attention, commitment and love.

Thanks to StoryCorps, Bill and Claudia can inspire us all to deepen our connection to our most cherished partners, this Valentine’s Day and always.

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