Should You Schedule Sex? Part One

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 7, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive

Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…

We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.

Why?

Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.

It isn’t romantic.
It seems ‘forced’.
It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
What happens if the kids interrupt?
What if….

If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.

I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.

It isn’t romantic.

Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.

You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?

A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)

Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.

It seems ‘forced’.

Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?

If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!

Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.

Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?

Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.

BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.

If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!

In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!

Should You Schedule Sex with Your Partner? Part Two

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 5, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive

Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….

In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE. In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!

Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.

Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.

If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.

Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.

This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.

So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.

You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.

So, should you schedule sex?

We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.

Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.

Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex? If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.

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