by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 7, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…
We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.
Why?
Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.
- It isn’t romantic.
- It seems ‘forced’.
- It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
- What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
- What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
- What happens if the kids interrupt?
- What if….
If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.
I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.
Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.
You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?
A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)
Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.
Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?
If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!
Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.
Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?
Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.
BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.
If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!
In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!
by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 5, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….
In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE. In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!
Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.
Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.
If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.
Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.
- This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
- If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.
So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.
- You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
- If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
- Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
- If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
- Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.
So, should you schedule sex?
We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.
Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.
Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex? If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.
by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 10, 2019 | Connection, Kissing, Oral Sex, Sex
Why you need to makeout with your partner…
I’m obsessed with this video, First Kiss. Not surprisingly, it went viral when published on YouTube. I admit that I’ve watched it several times and have been swept into it’s magic each and every time. I notice that when I watch it, I’m relaxed yet a bit nervous. I’m smiling. My heart melts a bit and overall, I feel dreamy.
I realize that we may all attach different meanings to the act of kissing and to this video. For me, this video represents connection, courage, risk and ultimately, the release of fear. This clip captures the process of moving toward intimacy.
In my work, I see a repetitive pattern amongst those who struggle in their sex lives. Lack of foreplay. Many couples report that they jump into bed, fondle each other’s genitals and within 5 minutes, start some form of penetration. Is it any wonder that they feel disconnected, dissatisfied and that one or both partners has lost sexual desire?
This video allows us to watch intimacy unfold. These strangers begin with an awkward stance, uncertain of when to start kissing, even verbalizing the “awkward moment” before a first kiss. Through their giggling, bowed down heads and shuffling of feet, they reveal anxiety and anticipation. They don’t just dive into it.
Once they cross over that invisible boundary and touch lips, they become magical. They cradle each other’s bodies and heads, some grab and pull each other. We see a tender lip bite, loving caresses, whole-body engagement – all from a kiss.
As the video comes to an end, these strangers pull away softly, seal their experience with a double smooch, a head or hand hold or sustained eye contact. Some look away, giggle and wonder what to do next. It’s almost as if they regressed to the innocence of their early sexual experiences.
Do you remember your very first romantic kiss in life?
I can remember three distinct experiences. My very first was a peck on the cheek in 1st grade. The giggling on the playground seemed infinite. The second was in 7th grade. I remember it as sloppy, awkward and not enjoyable, although for some reason, I went back for more. The third was with my spouse – a magical, sweep-me-off-my-feet, don’t-ever-let-it-end, fall in love kiss.
When two people allow themselves to fully engage in their kiss, the power of this meeting cannot be matched. For some, kissing is better than sex. Even Julia Robert’s had a rule of no lip-kissing with her sex customers in the movie Pretty Woman. Kissing made the sex experience intimate, not intercourse.
Suggested Read
In The Guide To Getting It On, author Paul Joannides wrote, “Another reason for the added power of kissing is so many of the major senses have their outlets on the human face. There are vision, smell, hearing and taste, and the lips and skin are exquisitely sensitive to touch”.
For those of you who have pushed kissing to the back seat of your sexual experience, it’s time to bring it front and center. In fact, I highly encourage you to only kiss. Have full on make out sessions. Kiss passionately in all rooms of your house, outside, in the car, on the street, in an elevator, wherever your lips travel in a given day.
Juicy, luscious kisses will bring your sex life renewed energy. So, so sexy.
ADDENDUM! After posting this blog, I learned that this video was actually an advertisement for a clothing company. Clearly, I was fooled! However, I think the actors and models really captured the essence of a magical kiss. They beautifully transform awkward into magical. I still hold onto my view on kissing. It doesn’t happen enough. It’s a powerful form of sexual expression, communication and foreplay. And yes, it’s incredibly sexy!
by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 8, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
Is there Humor in your relationship?
Do you laugh at yourself? Or, do you take yourself too seriously? Laughter can be THE best medicine. A good sense of humor can strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know some sessions are hard.
Other sessions not so much; perhaps less heavy, less intense. Let me share a story with you of how one couple turned a difficult session into a breakthrough with humor.
I had been seeing this couple for a few months.
They had lots of conflict and worked hard on their relationship.
During our session, I shared a thought of mine. Suddenly, I noticed a smirk on the one partner’s face. I looked at him and said, “I see you smirking! What are you thinking right now?”
Then, he just started laughing. He repeated the thought I had just shared with them, verbatim, and sarcastically called it “therapy gold, a real master’s level summary.”
When he reflected my statement back to me, I realized how funny it was, as did his spouse.
I kid you not, when I share that all three of us – him, his spouse, and me – broke out into hysterical laughter.
It was the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.
The kind of laughter where you have a hard time regaining your composure.
It took all of us a while to get back to business, and we laughed about it for multiple sessions.
But, it reminded us of the power of humor and how it can transform a difficult moment, conversation or conflict into a different kind of experience.
Therapy Isn’t Always Hard
There are two reasons why I’m telling you this story.
- Humor strengthens your relationship with anyone, including during therapy. What an amazing gift, when you have that kind of rapport and trust with your therapist – so much so that you can lightly poke fun at them; everyone can laugh about it and all parties have a good time. For me, humor is symbolic of the quality of our relationship.
- Therapy isn’t always intense or hard. Depending on the session, what we’re talking about, and the level of humor you practice in your life, there can be funny moments. I have experienced intense humor and hard laughter in my office. Sometimes clients are poking fun at their own idiosyncrasies; sometimes they are poking fun at me.
Stories like this also remind me of the role of humor in my own marriage.
My husband and I have the ability to laugh at ourselves. And, that’s really how humor starts.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re most likely too hard on yourself. Lack of humor robs you of the playfulness that life has to offer.
You’ll miss out on how humor transforms and strengthens your relationship. Because laughter is like a relief of pressure in an already pressured world.
How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship
When’s the last time you laughed? (I’m talking about doubled-over, cheeks-hurting, tears-popping-out-your-eyes laughter.) Humor not only strengthens your relationship, it’s just plain good for you! Here are six (somewhat unexpected) health benefits of laughter:
- It burns calories! Laughter is actually like exercise.
- It strengthens your core. Laughter literally works your midsection.
- It increases your heart rate, which increases circulation in your body.
- It decreases stress. When you decrease stress, you increase your immune system.
- It can lower blood sugar. Lower blood sugar boosts your mood.
- It improves your quality of life. Laughter truly helps you see the world differently.
Love. Live. Laughter.
So, I ask again – Do you laugh at yourself?
I promise that humor strengthens your relationship with your partner. If you laugh jokingly and mutually (that’s key), then you won’t take yourself so seriously and you will be more tolerant. Humor and laughter are part of what brings harmony and aliveness to our relationships.
by Carolynn Aristone | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond? Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you. We all wear multiple hats.
Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention. Trust me; I get it. Life demands a lot from you. But, are you too busy?
The Power of Choice
When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?” I know, you’re puzzled by this question.
Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.
I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.
Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices. We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.
You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness. Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.
So, the question is – Are you too busy? If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop. Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end. You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.
Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out. Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.
Asked yourself these three questions:
- Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?
Mindfulness is about paying attention. When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle. If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”
- Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?
If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value. You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth. There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing. (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)
I want you to think about where that comes from for you. How is busyness tied up in your self-worth? And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?
- Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?
Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules. I call this the “shoulds.” I should do this, or I should do that. I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event. It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.
We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”. In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.
Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live. Ask yourself, Am I too busy? If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need. Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.
A wise person knows their limits. Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty. Busyness robs you of fulfillment. The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life. You have a say in how you live. Now, go live your best life!
Love. Live. Better
At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better! We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better? Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better. Life is more manageable. You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.
Let’s make love the primary focus. When we do that, we all know that we are living better.
