by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 7, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…
We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.
Why?
Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.
- It isn’t romantic.
- It seems ‘forced’.
- It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
- What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
- What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
- What happens if the kids interrupt?
- What if….
If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.
I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.
Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.
You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?
A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)
Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.
Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?
If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!
Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.
Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?
Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.
BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.
If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!
In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!
by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 5, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive
Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….
In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE. In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!
Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.
Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.
If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.
Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.
- This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
- If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.
So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.
- You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
- If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
- Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
- If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
- Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.
So, should you schedule sex?
We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.
Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.
Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex? If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.
by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 8, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
Is there Humor in your relationship?
Do you laugh at yourself? Or, do you take yourself too seriously? Laughter can be THE best medicine. A good sense of humor can strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know some sessions are hard.
Other sessions not so much; perhaps less heavy, less intense. Let me share a story with you of how one couple turned a difficult session into a breakthrough with humor.
I had been seeing this couple for a few months.
They had lots of conflict and worked hard on their relationship.
During our session, I shared a thought of mine. Suddenly, I noticed a smirk on the one partner’s face. I looked at him and said, “I see you smirking! What are you thinking right now?”
Then, he just started laughing. He repeated the thought I had just shared with them, verbatim, and sarcastically called it “therapy gold, a real master’s level summary.”
When he reflected my statement back to me, I realized how funny it was, as did his spouse.
I kid you not, when I share that all three of us – him, his spouse, and me – broke out into hysterical laughter.
It was the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.
The kind of laughter where you have a hard time regaining your composure.
It took all of us a while to get back to business, and we laughed about it for multiple sessions.
But, it reminded us of the power of humor and how it can transform a difficult moment, conversation or conflict into a different kind of experience.
Therapy Isn’t Always Hard
There are two reasons why I’m telling you this story.
- Humor strengthens your relationship with anyone, including during therapy. What an amazing gift, when you have that kind of rapport and trust with your therapist – so much so that you can lightly poke fun at them; everyone can laugh about it and all parties have a good time. For me, humor is symbolic of the quality of our relationship.
- Therapy isn’t always intense or hard. Depending on the session, what we’re talking about, and the level of humor you practice in your life, there can be funny moments. I have experienced intense humor and hard laughter in my office. Sometimes clients are poking fun at their own idiosyncrasies; sometimes they are poking fun at me.
Stories like this also remind me of the role of humor in my own marriage.
My husband and I have the ability to laugh at ourselves. And, that’s really how humor starts.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re most likely too hard on yourself. Lack of humor robs you of the playfulness that life has to offer.
You’ll miss out on how humor transforms and strengthens your relationship. Because laughter is like a relief of pressure in an already pressured world.
How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship
When’s the last time you laughed? (I’m talking about doubled-over, cheeks-hurting, tears-popping-out-your-eyes laughter.) Humor not only strengthens your relationship, it’s just plain good for you! Here are six (somewhat unexpected) health benefits of laughter:
- It burns calories! Laughter is actually like exercise.
- It strengthens your core. Laughter literally works your midsection.
- It increases your heart rate, which increases circulation in your body.
- It decreases stress. When you decrease stress, you increase your immune system.
- It can lower blood sugar. Lower blood sugar boosts your mood.
- It improves your quality of life. Laughter truly helps you see the world differently.
Love. Live. Laughter.
So, I ask again – Do you laugh at yourself?
I promise that humor strengthens your relationship with your partner. If you laugh jokingly and mutually (that’s key), then you won’t take yourself so seriously and you will be more tolerant. Humor and laughter are part of what brings harmony and aliveness to our relationships.
by Carolynn Aristone | Mar 7, 2018 | Communication, Connection, General, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress
If I asked you how you’re doing, right now, how would you respond? Most of us would respond with this one word, “busy” (two words if we’ve been feeling “crazy busy”). I am right there on that busy train with you. We all wear multiple hats.
Chronic busyness leads to life on auto-pilot, rather than living from intention. Trust me; I get it. Life demands a lot from you. But, are you too busy?
The Power of Choice
When clients report overwhelming, chronic busyness, I ask them – “Tell me. What is it that you like about being busy all the time?” I know, you’re puzzled by this question.
Most of us don’t “like” being chronically busy. Yet, we live our lives as if it’s not a choice. My question attempts to really test the idea that busyness is a fate and not a choice.
I know that for a lot of people, myself included, busyness doesn’t feel like a choice. However, we all have to take a step back and recognize that we’re the authors, the creators, of how we live our lives.
Busyness robs us of mindful, intentional choices. We stop practicing conscious decision making. Somewhere along the way, we start equating busyness with value – as in, I’m only valuable when I’m busy when I’m “doing”.
You might say that our culture predisposes us to this addiction, an addiction to chronic busyness. Busyness serves as a great distraction, from disconnection, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, despair, disappointment and more.
So, the question is – Are you too busy? If you’re crazy busy, all the time, do me this one favor – take a moment to stop. Be present in this moment with me and read this post to the end. You actually have the power to choose how you live your life.
Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Chronic busyness is a result of patterns of living that, ultimately, leave us feeling stressed out. Busyness becomes a lifestyle. There are many reasons why this may be happening, but I want you to find your reason for why you are “too busy”.
Asked yourself these three questions:
- Am I living mindlessly, or am I living a mindful lifestyle?
Mindfulness is about paying attention. When you apply this to your life, you are practicing a mindful lifestyle. If find yourself losing focus of what is important or falling out of the present moment, you need to ask yourself, “Am I paying attention to the choices I am making, or am I living by default?”
- Is my busyness an attempt to keep up with everybody else?
If you’re busy proving that you can do it all, just like everybody else seems to be doing, then maybe you’re questioning your own value. You think, if I can’t keep up, then that says something about me and my worth. There must be something wrong with me if I can’t keep “doing” like everybody else keeps doing. (Meanwhile, these people are suffering just like you as a result of all that busyness.)
I want you to think about where that comes from for you. How is busyness tied up in your self-worth? And, how can you find value in who you are, not what you do?
- Are you living according to your own rules or someone else’s rules?
Maybe, for you, it’s that you aren’t living according to your own rules and you’re living according to someone else’s rules. I call this the “shoulds.” I should do this, or I should do that. I should bake that dish, or I should go to that event. It’s what comes from subscribing to someone else’s idea of what life should look like, not your own.
We don’t have to operate under the illusion that “if everyone else is busy, I should be busy too”. In actuality, yes, everyone’s is busy. In reality, most are suffering from their chronic busyness.
Today, I want you to practice extra care, extra mindfulness, extra intention in how you choose to live. Ask yourself, Am I too busy? If the answer is yes, then these three follow up questions will give you the answers you need. Let the introspection guide you in being purposeful in your choices and knowing your limits.
A wise person knows their limits. Don’t overstretch yourself (your budget, your diet, your work-life balance) and get left feeling empty. Busyness robs you of fulfillment. The good news is that you have a choice in how you want to live your life. You have a say in how you live. Now, go live your best life!
Love. Live. Better
At the Center for Intimate Relationships, we want to help you help love and live better! We used to say live and love better, but shouldn’t it be love and live better? Because when you’re in a loving relationship, when you’re in alignment with your partner, life is better. Life is more manageable. You feel like you can conquer anything…No matter what life throws your way.
Let’s make love the primary focus. When we do that, we all know that we are living better.
by Carolynn Aristone | Apr 23, 2015 | Intimacy, Loneliness, Loss, Love, Marriage Survival
Do you have a fear Intimacy?
As a scholar of intimacy, I continuously attempt to refine my own understanding of this abstract concept and how it shows up through the multiple layers of our relationships.
I witness couples avoid it, dance around it, dip their toe into it, beg for it, misunderstand it, desire it, need it, want it, demand for it, fear it and block it, sometimes all within one therapy session.
Some partners seek it out but ensure they never receive it.
They partner with someone who maintains a safe emotional distance. Others desperately crave intimacy and develop enmeshed relationships.
Here, they lose their own identity. They cannot distinguish where they end and their partner begins.
But what is true intimacy anyway?
In a research article assessing marital satisfaction, written in The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families by Sobral, Teixeira and Costa, the authors define intimacy as the capacity to exchange thoughts and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued and to depend on them while also experiencing healthy autonomy.
The words “exchange” and “depend” stand out to me.
According to these authors, these are the action words, the behaviors, required for partners to experience intimacy.
The authors highlight that traditional definitions of intimacy exclude the concept of dependence.
So what might get in the way of achieving intimacy?
These researchers have defined two key areas:
FLS – Fear of losing the self (dependence)
FLO – Fear of losing the other (exchange)
Both of these require a withholding behavior.
It looks like this:
(FLS) If I share all of me, I might lose my autonomy, my independence.
(FLO) If I share all of me, you might disapprove of me and then reject me.
Therefore, I keep parts of myself hidden away from you but as a result, I feel lonely.
I think FLO is easier to identify than FLS because the feelings associated with FLO are more tangible.
These include feelings such as exposure and rejection.
Behaviors like direct eye contact can feel intolerable and create a kneejerk response to hide.
Conflict avoidance is another form of FLO. If I just keep the peace, you won’t leave me. But what does FLS look like?
Thoughts that might accompany FLS include not wanting to justify one’s actions to a partner, “I don’t have to explain myself to you”, “I don’t’ have to tell you where I spend my money” and/or operating from an “I” instead of “we” mentality.
With FLS, dependence not only feels uncomfortable but can also be threatening.
I am currently working with a couple that prides themselves on not “needing” each other, almost as if their autonomy is a badge of honor.
However, their fear of dependency has contributed to a sexless marriage of several years and a recent affair.
Therapists Brian and Marcia Gleason offer one of my favorite descriptions of dependency within a relationship.
In their book Going All The Way, they conceptualize healthy need as one’s ability to recognize one’s own autonomy while simultaneously being aware that with their partner, they are capable of so much more.
In Attachment and Human Development, psychologist Jude Cassidy wrote in her article Truth, Lies and Intimacy: An Attachment Perspective, “Autonomy is important for intimacy because to permit oneself to become truly close to another person, one must have confidence in the autonomy of both the self and the partner so that one is free from fear of engulfment”.
True intimacy requires both the prioritization of connection over distance as well as transparency over suppression.
When you permit yourself to need your partner, to reveal yourself and to fully connect, you live from a courageous heart. You allow love to conquer fear.
As I continue to help couples experience greater levels of intimacy, consider how FLO and FLS might keep you from experiencing a fuller, richer, more satisfying relationship with the one you love.
