Does your stomach drop when your partner says, “We need to talk”? Ugh, the worst, right?It isn’t easy to sit in “the talk”, whether you’re the partner expressing dissatisfaction or the partner receiving the feedback. A feeling of dread can sit on both sides of the experience.If you’re the partner carrying the gripe(s), it’s natural for you to want to rehash everything that’s wrong with your partner or your relationship. That makes sense since you’re seeking a solution to all of the problems. Naming problematic behavior, whether through couples counseling or a series of private “talks” at home, is necessary to find resolve. However, if you find yourself only focusing on what’s wrong, instead of also on “what’s right”, you’re excluding important parts of your relationship story. If the issues in your relationship feel chronic, it makes sense that the problems are all you might see. I liken this to a haze in your view that keeps you from clearly seeing that good things are happening too.
Frustration is natural.
It’s also natural to have frustration and resentment build up over time. Unfortunately, resentment can block your ability to see anything good that your partner might do right now. It can also make positive relationship memories from your past, feel as if they’ve never happened.Repeatedly staying focused on what your partner has done wrong, or where they fall short, only strengthens that negative relationship story. If that’s the only thing you notice or point out, it can instill a sense of inadequacy in your partner. When that’s the only message that they hear from you, it becomes destructive, often translating to “I’ll never get it right. They’ll never be satisfied with what I do ”. How can you address problematic behaviors without deepening the divide? Let’s look at constructive ways to address problematic behaviors while also “seeing the good” in your partner so that you can get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.
What to Avoid When Naming a Problem in Your Relationship
To keep this simple, I’ve listed five areas to avoid the next time you want to address your partner’s problematic behaviors. Try these the next time you ask for “the talk”.
Complain instead of criticize.
Relationship researchers, John and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. have written extensively on the pitfalls couples fall into when in conflict. In their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they note that complaints differ from criticisms. Complaints focus specifically on the issue, criticism focuses on the person’s character. Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes every time I come home? You’re just lazy and completely unreliable, expecting me to do everything all the time!”Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again (fact). You said on Tuesday night that you’d handle that before I get home (fact). What happened (Question)?Notice how the latter stuck to the issue, referenced a previous conversation, and then invited the partner to share why he/she didn’t follow through. Complaints keep defenses low and make it easier to find resolve. No character attacks.
Avoid all or nothing language.
When feelings start to escalate, it’s easy to use two very dangerous words, always and never. These words represent absolutes. Relationship behaviors don’t fall into absolute categories. Instead of saying, “Why is there a sink full of dishes everytime I come home? You always do this. I can never count on you for anything!”Try saying, “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. Can we talk about how to resolve it?
Prioritize understanding over winning.
You might think that conflict resolution means complete agreement. That can happen at times but some conflicts aren’t that neatly solved. Instead of trying to be “right” or win the argument, look for parts of each other’s perspective that make sense to you, even if you don’t fully agree. Let’s look at an example.Partner A: “I didn’t get to the dishes tonight because I had a really stressful day at work and I was exhausted. I needed time to decompress.”Partner B: “I understand your need to decompress. I know that your work is stressful. But we need to talk about this because it’s impacting me and our home life. This is an issue that keeps happening and it’s upsetting to me”. Partner A: “I get why you’re upset, you come home tired too. I don’t want to upset you.”Notice how Partner B demonstrated understanding first but also didn’t abandon their own point of view. There was no complete agreement. Partner B’s attempt to understand keeps the conversation open and flowing instead of shutting it down.
Include appreciation.
When you’re troubled by the problems in your relationship, it can be difficult to feel appreciation, even if your partner contributes positively to your shared life. You can share appreciation along with a complaint at the same time. Let’s look at an example of the sandwich approach:No sandwich approach: “I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. We just talked about this on Tuesday and it’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty bothered by this. Can we talk about how to resolve this? Sandwich approach: “I appreciate that you took the time to talk the other night when I shared about the dishes in the sink. I noticed there’s a sink full of dishes again. It’s a problem that keeps happening. I’m feeling pretty upset by this. I always appreciate that you’re open to talking about some of our struggles and I really want to work this one out.”The second example shows you the sandwich approach: the problem is sandwiched between two statements of appreciation. Again, this helps reinforce that you’re a team, not adversaries.
Keep it short and simple.
When you’re bothered by your partner’s behaviors, you may talk at length about it with them. Keep in mind that it’s hard for a partner to hear what they’ve done “wrong”. It’s even harder for them to hear it on repeat. Instead of going on and on, stay focused, make your point in two or three sentences and invite your partner into the conversation. Focus on solutions more than the problem.
Need Help Seeing the Good in Your Partner?
If expressing appreciation or seeing the good in your partner feels difficult right now, you can try an exercise taken from research in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Known as the Pleasant Events Calendar, MBSR uses this activity to help decrease stress by helping you focus on what feels good in your life, or in this case, your relationship.For one week, keep a log for each day of the week, and answer the following questions:
What pleasant interactions did you experience with your partner today?
Were you aware of the pleasant feelings while they were happening?
How did your body feel during the experience?
What thoughts are in your mind now as you recall and write about this event?
After one week, notice how you feel and what you see in your partner. This exercise may help you reconnect to more pleasurable feelings about your relationship. If it only highlights a pleasure deficit, you may consider speaking to a licensed professional therapist that focuses on relationship therapy and/or marriage counseling. In ConclusionYou now have concrete tools to keep emotions regulated, see the good in each other, express appreciation and look for pleasure, all while addressing the hard stuff. Yes, it’s possible!When you follow the steps outlined in this article, “the talk” may not feel as scary anymore. Whether you’re attempting to resolve problems in the privacy of your own home or even in a therapy session, these steps can help you stay connected even while in conflict.
A friend recently told me that she had a bad dream… she said that in her dream, her spouse was a bad kisser! She said, “I felt so relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream. Can you imagine?!”
It got me thinking about the importance of kissing compatibility and the need to kiss often.
Most couples who report unsatisfying sex or being in a sexless marriage tell us that they don’t include kissing as a part of their foreplay.
If that’s you too, you’re missing an important act of bonding. After all, kissing is a bit like your signature, right? If you were to be in a lineup with 5 different people, and your mate was to kiss each one of you, don’t you think your partner would know your kiss from the rest? Of course, they would.
Why Do Couples Stop Kissing?
When working with couples in relationship counseling or sex therapy, they say, “we just don’t do it anymore” and don’t seem to question why it has stopped.
For some couples, kissing stops because they’re more focused on having an orgasm through their genitals than on mouth-to-mouth kissing.
Other couples feel short on time. Rather than use that time to kiss, they rush to have a quick orgasm.
Quickies can be fun and spontaneous but when it becomes your sex life norm, it’s usually not satisfying for both partners.
Unfortunately, if you’re one of those couples, you may have more “sex” but not necessarily feel close. That’s because kissing is actually more intimate than genital touching or orgasms. It creates closeness, bonding and can lead to better sex overall.
Kissing is Sexy and Triggers Your Neurosystem
Kissing has neurological effects that increase your bond and sense of attachment to your partner. That’s because when your lips touch, your brain releases feel-good, bonding chemicals like oxytocin, seratonin and the pleasure hormone, dopamine.
Dopamine is the same hormone released with the use of drugs or sugar. Yes, kissing produces that same hormone release.
Wet kisses actually help you exchange important hormones like testosterone. Famous anthropologist, Helen Fisher, reported that 90% of the world’s population engaged in kissing and most use the tongue.
Yet, it makes neurological sense that kissing can fade away in long-term relationships. You have three sexual systems designed to land a mate: your lust system, romance system and attachment system.
Kissing is primarily used during the lust and romance phase of relationship development. It’s used to attract and keep a potential mate. Kissing helps you know if you’re compatible. So once you’ve established a commitment and moved into the next phase of your relationship, attachment, it makes sense that you might kiss less.
But just because it makes sense doesn’t mean that it should stay that way.
What If My Partner is a Lousy Kisser?
Unless of course, you’re not feeling kissing compatible. Proceed with caution if you have to give your partner feedback on how they kiss. Sexual feedback is highly sensitive territory. But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t speak up. Sexual communication is key to a healthy sexual connection.
Here are some ways you might be able to address it:
The Sexy Approach
“Babe, let me show you how I love to be kissed” (this communicates more about you and less about them so it doesn’t raise their defenses). You can add words like, “if you kiss me like this, it really turns me on…”.
The Dominant Approach
“I wanna be in charge of our kiss for a minute. Just let me kiss you and you follow my lead” – and if they start to try to control the kiss, say, “ah-ah, I’m in charge! Follow my lead”
Notice that in either case, the redirect is non-shaming, non-judgmental and lets you express how you’d like to be kissed.
Kissing Practices to Try
Adapted from the book, The Heart of Desire by Dr. Stella Resnick, here are three different kissing practices to try.
The Around-the-World Face Kiss*
Start by kissing your partner’s face. On their forehead, their cheeks, their jawline, their chin, their nose, even their eyebrows, their lower lip, their upper lip. Then begin to kiss their mouth, fully, gently and softly. Once your partner fully invites you into their mouth, allow your momentum to build.
Follow the Leader
On different days, each partner takes turns leading the mouth kiss. The leader is the giver. The follower is the receiver. The receiver tunes into the shape of their lover’s lips, the tension held in their lips and tongue and the energy of the kiss. The receiver matches the giver’s shape, tension and energy.
Good ol’ fashioned make out
Clothes on. Start with a little wet kiss and allow it to grow. Hum/moan softly. Suck on each other’s tongue and lips. Bite each other’s lips gently if it feels right. If your partner seems ready, allow your tongue to go deeper into their mouth. Pull them into you. Kiss for as long as it feels good.
Why Kissing is Erotic
Your mouth is an erotic symbol. It’s what you use to eat, to taste, to take things in. It’s part of your olfactory system in the body which is so tuned into a sensory experience.
When kissing – you may not actually be eating your partner but you’re exercising the muscles that you use when you are hungry.
When kissing, you are tasting your partner and in that gorgeous, purposeful exchange of fluids, you are literally swallowing them into you and you continue to want more of them.
In Conclusion
While genital orgasms are fun, they’re not always intimate, and often do not occur for both partners in their sexual exchange. If it’s been a while since you’ve had some good make-out sessions, start to focus more on the pleasure of kissing, without it leading to penetration.
The results are usually positive, with couples feeling increased connection, increased arousal and overall, more sexy.
When problems start in relationships, it’s easy to point fingers, blame our partners, and focus solely on their shortcomings.
“If you would just ___________ (fill in the blank), we’d be great!”
As I’ve written many times before, one partner typically wants to “fix” the other.
Wouldn’t love feel easy if it were that simple? Fix the problem partner and all will be well.
Reality? Partner problems are interdependent. Finding root causes to chronic struggles can feel murky at times. Shifting relationship patterns requires patience, tolerance and acceptance skills.
After all, it takes two to tango. Relationship research shows us that both partners uniquely contribute to relationship struggles.
I’ve got the perfect exercise to help you and your partner self-evaluate how you may contribute to your relationship issues. I often use practices like this in couples and marriage therapy to help partners decrease blame and increase accountability.
Holding Yourself Accountable
Personal accountability doesn’t mean that you stop expressing your relationship concerns. It simply means that you take a balanced approach to problem-solving. It’s a practice of humility.
While practicing accountability, be careful to not take responsibility for what doesn’t belong to you. Some of your behaviors may contribute to the issue, as well as some of your partner’s actions. Each one of you contributes to the whole.
The purpose of self-assessment is to help you better understand how you show up. Do you show up being the type of partner that you’d like to have? Do your behaviors ultimately push your partner away? How do you create connection when in conflict?
The DRAIN Assessment
I recently came across a great exercise that’s rooted in mindfulness practices.
Created by author Russ Harris, an expert in Acceptance and Commitment therapy, this assessment helps you take an honest look at your own behaviors.
He calls it the DRAIN exercise and it’s based on an acronym that he created that breaks down unhealthy behavioral habits.
Rather than focus on your partner, I invite you to focus on yourself. Take a look at each category and write down the ways you might “drain” your relationship.
How Do You DRAIN Your Relationship?
D – Disconnection – In order to feel fully connected to your partner’s words, ideas, actions and feelings, it requires you to pay attention. Full attention means that you feel open, curious and receptive to their thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams.
That’s not easy when you feel hostile or defensive. Or when you go into conversations blaming them, or with preconceived ideas about their intentions.
Notice the many ways you might disconnect from your partner. It can look like many things such as irritability, stonewalling, being distracted, shutting down.
R – Reactivity – This refers to living on “automatic pilot”, meaning you don’t think about how you behave, it just happens. It’s a knee-jerk reaction or an impulsive response.
Rather than being mind-full, it’s more mind-less, meaning that you didn’t really consider the impact of your actions. This can look like short-tempered responses, cursing, yelling, blaming and generally being hurtful.
What behaviors might you do that reflect mindless reactivity instead of mindful responses?
A – Avoidance – Staying “conflict free” through avoidance is just as painful as being overtly confrontational. It’s a powerful and silent position of power.
Retreat might feel like a relief from your problems but it only magnifies the issues. It leaves your partner in a powerless state and keeps your relationship stuck and in a state of suffering.
How might you act out in avoidance? Behaviors can include numbing actions like taking in excessive drinking, food, drugs, screen time, denial or complete physical withdrawal.
I – Inside Your Mind – Our minds love to hold infinite conversations about all things. It’s the source of our ability for deep concentration as well as for relentless distraction.
Living inside your mind means that you spend lots of time rehashing old stories and hurts or rehearsing all the conversations that you want to say. Chatter, chatter, chatter. It’s a space that lets you ruminate and remain stuck in pain, suffering and unproductive stories.
How much time do you spend inside your mind? How trapped do you feel by the never-ending thoughts?
N – Neglecting Values – It’s easy to claim values but it’s not always easy to live up to them. Do you talk a good talk but then forget the walk?
If you claim a certain set of values as important to you, such as love or kindness, your actions – even when you feel angry – need to reflect those values. You can be angry and still love your partner. You can speak firmly without being unkind. Feeling angry doesn’t mean you abandon the value of love.
What values do you claim as important to you but then seem to abandon in moments where they might matter most?
Take It To The Next Level
Now that you know the DRAIN Assessment and have answered the questions, Harris suggests that you make a list of two columns.
In the first column, make a list of values according to the type of partner that you’d like to be. You might use words like loving, kind, generous, affectionate, supportive, trustworthy, etc.
Then, in the second column, come up with a list of values that you don’t subscribe to. Samples include materialistic, hostile, disorganized, aggressive, mean, etc.
After you complete your self-assessment through the DRAIN process, look at your two lists. In moments when your relationship feels challenging, which list best describes your behaviors?
Be the Change, Enact the Change
Even if your partner doesn’t see their role in things, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work on your part. You can’t make your partner “do” anything, but you can exercise control over how you think and what you do.
Sometimes, when you become the change you want to see, you shift the entire system of your relationship. You no longer play the same role. It’s like you change the dance step, going from the tango to the waltz.
Your partner can’t possibly keep dancing the tango without you as the tango partner.
I recently received a call from a former couple that I worked with. They said, “Can we come back in for a few sessions? We need a tune-up!”
Relationships require a certain level of maintenance. Just like a car requires standard maintenance a few times a year, well, your relationship does too.
Unfortunately, so many couples misconstrue this reality.
Have you ever had thoughts like this?
Here is a list of mistaken beliefs that many couples think when it comes to relationship maintenance and nurturing:
If we have to work at it, then something is wrong.
I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need, he should just know!
Sex should just happen, we shouldn’t have to talk about it.
She should know I love her, why should I have to say it all the time?
Isn’t it obvious that I appreciate what he does?
Why do I have to thank him for picking up the kids? He’s supposed to do that.
We’ve been together 30 years, isn’t it clear that I’m not going anywhere?
We have sex at least once a week, clearly she’s satisfied.
Yes, I work late a lot but he understands. If he was unhappy, he’d tell me.
Do you see the pattern here?
These simple statements show us a series of common thoughts that can become relationship poison.
Let me show you what lurks beneath them.
There are 3 Components of Love that help couples connect and build a healthy foundation. In this blog, “What to do if You’re Falling Out Of Love”, we talk in-depth about Sternberg’s theory.
Current research tells us that a predictor for divorce is not infidelity, lack of romance, financial stress, or co-parenting differences.
It’s a lack of love.
Relationship Maintenance At Every Stage
Whether you’ve been together five years or 50, whether you’re a new family or empty nesters, your relationship is the vehicle that you ride together through life.
If you’re not regularly maintaining it, well, you become a hazard to your family and to yourselves.
It’s so easy to let life get in the way of your relationship focus but as the authors have written in the book, A General Theory of Love, “If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be last on the list…”
Dropping your time with your partner should be last on your list.
Try This “Tuning In” Exercise
One of the exercises I like to give couples in therapy is called the Relationship Check-In.
In this exercise, you’ll take turns sharing:
Set aside 20 minutes each week to check in with your partner.
Put away all electronics and find a private space in your home.
Try to check-in before either partner gets too tired (not too late).
Start by naming something that you appreciate about your partner.
Name something you might be struggling with in the relationship and name what you might need more or less of from your partner.
Tell your partner that you love them if that feels right for you. Hug.
In this exercise, no topic is off-limits.
It’s a great exercise in staying connected, holding space for both positive and negative experiences and clearly communicating what you each desire.
It’s also important to stick to the 20 minutes.
If check-ins become 2-hour marathons, no one will want to participate.
If a difficult topic is raised, it’s helpful to know that:
The partner with the complaint has the time and space to share it
The time to focus on a difficult topic is boundaried and softened by positive feelings.
When couples commit to this exercise, they almost always report feeling closer, more connected, in communication and generally happy with each other. Is it time for a relationship tune-up?
Fun Ways to Nurture Your Love
In addition to regular check-ins, it’s also helpful to be kind and offer loving gestures when the opportunity arises.
Small things like cooking your partner’s favorite meal, bringing her a cup of coffee in bed, washing his car for him or going out on regular date nights go a long way to demonstrate caring.
There are so many ways to attend to and maintain your love. Maintaining what you have together isn’t a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign that you care so much.
What are all the ways you attend to your relationship?
I see many couples in the practice because of infidelity, affairs, cheating and/or betrayal.
In these deeply painful experiences, couples not only struggle with the most fundamental concept of commitment but also with attempting to maintain their love during their crisis.
When Ashley Madison was hacked in 2016, an interview on NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.
Most couples have no map, no fallback plan, no direction on where to go once the affair is discovered or revealed.
“NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.”
If you’ve experienced infidelity or betrayal, the pain endured by both of you can feel insurmountable.
Restoring commitment in its most fundamental sense can feel nearly impossible for you.
Yet, with attention, intention, effort, and patience, I’ve seen couples move from near divorce to complete healing.
Couples may seek therapy at different stages of this journey.
Here are some examples of when partners contact us:
One partner suspects the other is cheating. Rather than sit alone with his concerns, he’ll use therapy as a means to explore what to do and how to handle it.
One partner is on the brink of having an affair or actively having one. She’ll use therapy to try to gain clarity about her conflicted feelings.
A betrayed partner discovers an affair and experiences a crisis of emotions. Feeling total devastation and loss, she’ll immediately seek out couple’s therapy for guidance.
A betrayed partner cannot get past a previous affair discovery. It may be years later and the couple struggles to move on. They may schedule for themselves to see how they can “get past” what happened.
Transparency, Accountability and Time
Initially, it will be important for couples to practice transparency and accountability.
If you are the betrayed partner, you hold a whirlwind of emotions that must be expressed.
Critical to healing, you’ll need to express your anxiety, anger, fear, disappointment, shock and overall devastation.
It’s natural for you to ask questions about the affair, remain suspicious for a period of time, and to question everything.
If you are the involved partner, you must hold yourself accountable for the decision to step outside the relationship, even if you feel justified in doing so.
You may have your own separate emotional experience that can also include fear, sadness, desperation, relief and concern.
It’s natural for you to avoid answering questions but you cannot avoid all questions.
Most importantly, you’ll both need to value time.
Time will help you move out of a crisis state, develop insight into your relationship and possibly envision a future together.
“Time helps couples move out of a crisis state, develop insight into their relationship and envision a future together”
Is it Possible to Experience Intimacy During a Crisis?
In therapy, as couples move through these phases, they learn how to practice the behaviors associated with “loving” while healing from an affair.
Amongst the many skills learned, couples practice communication, empathy, vulnerability, transparency, care for the welfare of the other, honesty, trust-building, and forgiveness.
Learning these skills isn’t a guarantee that you will stay together.
For some couples, the best decision, while difficult, is separation.
Before you move into those big decisions alone, please consider seeking therapy.
Therapy provides a space for couples to explore the healthiest way for them to heal.
Therapy shows couples how to practice “loving”, whether they choose to stay together or to separate.
Research tells us that couples will wait five years before they seek out relationship help.
The Silent Divide
For many affair couples, they unknowingly experienced a silent divide, a slow and steady series of actions and inactions that laid the groundwork for the affair(s) to occur.
Remember, commitment isn’t a one-time act. It’s a series of behaviors that nurture your relationship over its lifespan.
This happens on the days when life feels ordinary, mundane and fine, as well as when you struggle to be in each other’s company.
With so many tools/resources at your disposal, from articles and books, podcasts and courses, and/or therapy, it’s easier than ever to stay attuned, connect and practice loving every day.
What resources do you use to practice “loving”, consistently, even when your relationship feels hard?
Flooded with hormones, we see our partner through a blind set of eyes. They can do no wrong. They light us up from within. They’re everything we’ve ever wanted. “Soulmates”.
We tend to see ourselves in our partner. Sometimes, they bear the characteristics that we aspire towards. Other times, they seem like a mirror image of us. What better experience than to partner with ourselves for life?
In some relationships, partners never seem to have conflict. They’ll say “we don’t fight” and seem to agree all the time.
That type of union makes it difficult for partners to evolve. It can also lead to something called enmeshment, where each partner seems to blend into the other with no distinct “I”.
Other couples confront a different reality. They “suddenly” discover that one partner seems polar opposite to the other. This can wreak havoc on a couple’s self-concept. Partners wonder how they EVER got together to begin with. What were they each thinking?
Welcome to the world of differentiation.
Some couples fail to achieve it. Other couples struggle to accept it.
What is healthy differentiation and why do we need it for healthy love?
What is Healthy Differentiation?
In 1997, Dr. David Schnarch wrote a groundbreaking book called Passionate Marriage in which he claims that differentiation is essential for healthy relationships.
By his definition, “differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love ”.
He adds that differentiation is essential to reducing blame, repairing conflict, tolerating intimacy and creating a hot, loving sex life.
For relationships to be healthy, it requires you to attend to your individuality as you move through the world in a state of togetherness. It means being two distinct people attempting to create an interdependent relationship.
Why is Differentiation Important?
When partners can clearly and distinctly define themselves while in partnership, they create a more honest, transparent, authentic relationship. No masks. No facades. This in turn helps eliminate relationship habits that can become toxic, such as the expectation for mindreading, wrong assumptions and chronic resentment.
When couples can achieve this, it gives them an extraordinary gift; for each partner to love and to be loved, exactly for who they are.
Differentiation and Intimacy
Dr. Schnarch identifies different types of intimacy. Consider which type of intimacy you might practice in your own relationship. We’ll use Dr. Scharch’s language.
According to Scharch, you engage in other-validated intimacy if you expect that your partner will accept you, empathize, validate you and reciprocate disclosure after you’ve shared something personal about yourself. Your self-worth depends on the reaction of your partner.
Self-validated intimacy is when you can disclose your thoughts and feelings while maintaining your own self-worth, regardless of how your partner responds. You hold no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity for what you’ve shared.
Would acceptance and reciprocity be “nice”? Maybe. Unfortunately, “nice” can keep a relationship flat, dull and static.
He argues that intimacy can occur in the latter form, even if the disclosure isn’t accepted, validated or empathized with; even if only one partner discloses. Self-validated intimacy requires you to support yourself while letting yourself be known to your partner. It reduces unhealthy dependency and enmeshment.
Let’s just sit with that for a moment. What you just read may feel counter to everything you thought you knew about relationships.
Intimacy and Vulnerability
Differentiation requires vulnerability tolerance. As a couple’s and sex therapy practice, my team and I frequently use that term when referring to the work we do with our clients.
No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. Most would describe the experience as feeling naked, exposed and unprotected from harm. Yet vulnerability is an experience partners need to step into from time to time to establish real intimacy.
One of my favorite quotes on intimacy and vulnerability is from Dr. Schnarch. He says:
“I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want to know you love me – and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection – but I must face that possibility if I’m ever going to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.”
Self-disclosure and tolerance for vulnerability become easier when our sense of worth becomes less dependent on our partner’s moods and reactions.
The more we can reveal of ourselves, the more interesting our relationships become. We increase the possibility of making real contact, real authentic connection with our partners.
This achievement allows couples to retain a sense of intimacy even when in conflict. It permits partners to have differences of opinion, to have a voice, to express themselves.
Integrating Healthy Differentiation into Your Relationship
If you’re not sure what all of this means for you, let me simplify it: establishing an intimate connection with your partner starts with having a strong, healthy connection with yourself.
If you allow your self-worth to hinge on the words and actions of others, you have not yet learned how to support yourself or possibly love yourself. It’s difficult to give and receive love with another person if you haven’t yet learned how to fully accept and love who you are.
Even folks who appear to be fiercely independent may struggle to genuinely connect with anyone else because underneath their outward presentation, sits fragility.
Consider a radical act of self-confrontation. Focus on yourself and not on your partner. Ask yourself if you can metaphorically stand up on your own two feet. Can you hold yourself up? Can you hold yourself up in more vulnerable situations with your partner? Can your partner do the same? How well do you tolerate your partner’s differences? How much room is there for difference within the partnership?
How might differentiation help you become a healthier, more enlivened couple?
