How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

by Carolynn Aristone | Nov 1, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability

How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

Do you fear that your past shows up in your current relationship?

Maybe statements like: “I don’t know how to trust, it’s not safe”, “I don’t know when to reach out, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone”, or perhaps “I don’t dwell on how I feel, it’s easier to just move on” are all too familiar for you or your partner.

Oftentimes, we latch on to thoughts of being flawed or not good enough or unworthy of love when trauma was a part of our childhood. If relationships are a source of fear, then absent, insecure or disorganized attachments leave a person feeling helpless or alone. The mind finds a way to cope. But sometimes, coping does not lead to healing and your trauma can creep into adult relationships.

Even if the person can’t name the aftereffects, they feel them. Whether it’s feeling like a lifelong victim, acting passive-aggressively when upset, retreating into passivity during conflict, or creating an inauthentic version of yourself – there are many ways childhood trauma affects adults in a relationship. It can also feel difficult to support someone with trauma, especially in a partnership.

Survivors of childhood trauma deserve love and security in a relationship. Forming a healthy relationship can be full of missteps and confusion, but fostering intimacy can be full of healing and growth. Let’s discuss how we can better understand the impact of trauma and help partners love and live better.

Seeing Childhood Trauma

Whether you or your partner has experienced trauma, the most important thing to remember is that (just like anyone) they want to be seen, heard, and understood. It starts with seeing the effects of trauma on your relationship. Do you and your partner experience:

Disagreements fueled by emotions?
Reactions heightened by common relationship issues?
Aversions to conflict making talking through issues difficult?
Assumptions that one person is against the other?
Doubts about a partner’s love or faithfulness that linger?
Issues accepting love, despite repeated reassurance?

Unhealed trauma is a deep wound and dynamic force in any partnership, which can amplify emotions and escalate issues. Whether it is you or your partner who has experienced childhood trauma, the language you use in conversation is critical to healing and growth in your relationship.

Talking Childhood Trauma

Building a stronger connection, healthier bond, and more intimate relationship requires a lot of communication. Talking about childhood trauma can be difficult and there are times when your current relationship will trigger those same fears. Learning how to navigate the conversation helps couples stay calm and collected as their understanding of trauma heals and grows their partnership. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Self-observation can slow down escalating emotions
Mindfulness can raise awareness and identify triggers for each of you
Phrasing can help you both stay grounded in the present

If during a conversation, something that is said or heard triggers an unwanted response or reaction then try redirecting the dialogue. You can use phrases like:

“I wonder if we can slow this down or if we are heading into old territory”
“It seems like we’re getting triggered. Can we figure out what’s going on with us?”
“I’m thinking this could be something we should talk about in therapy.”

Healing childhood trauma is like healing a deep wound. It takes careful, hard work especially in an adult relationship. However, it is possible to replace old ways of being over time. And, finding a therapist who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, can be the next step to repairing old traumas.

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

Oprah recently did a report on 60 Minutes that discusses how trauma plays a role in childhood development and what new methods are being used to help people who have experienced it. The piece has been life-changing for many. You can watch it here.

So, the question is, how does childhood trauma affect adult relationships? It affects how we see, hear, and understand each other. In an intimate relationship, the triggers are bigger and the stakes are higher. Couples must do the work to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood in their partnership (especially when trauma is at work).

If you walk away learning one thing, walk away seeing, hearing, and understanding the difference between “What is wrong with you?” and “What happened to you?” The difference here in how you perceive and receive your partner is subtle but profound. The first question looks to fix the trauma with blaming language while the second question looks to comprehend their trauma with safe language.

Everyone deserves to love and live better. Whether you or your partner has survived childhood trauma, you can decide to work together to heal and grow in your relationship. The more we understand about childhood trauma, the more we foster intimacy in adult relationships.

How to Receive a Compliment

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 21, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability

**Does your partner struggle to receive a compliment?**

Do you struggle with accepting them?

Do you dismiss compliments?

When you allow yourself to take a compliment in and integrate it into your being, you participate in intimacy.

A personal share… A couple of years ago, I was part of a mentoring group that gave me tremendous, unwavering support. But when a new opportunity arose for me, I made the decision to leave the group.

During our last meeting together, our lead mentor asked everyone to share what they appreciated about me and my contribution to the group. I didn’t know this was going to happen. I received one compliment after another. Even though I made the decision to leave the group, I felt a huge wave of emotions during this exercise.

I took many deep breaths as I kept my feet grounded to the floor. With each inhalation, I allowed myself to take their compliments into my whole being. Feeling my breath in my body and feet on the floor helped me to stay grounded in what felt like an exercise of intimacy.

My question to you is…

Do you allow yourself to stay present and take those moments in?

Or, do you dismiss compliments and miss opportunities for deeper intimacy?

Let’s discuss how to receive a compliment so you can stay grounded, present, and intimate with the one you love.

Dismissing Compliments

If you and your partner dismiss each other’s compliments, then you are dismissing intimate moments. What does dismissal look like? It looks different for everyone and every relationship. Here are just a few examples of how your discomfort might show up:

Laughing your way out of the compliment (using humor to deflect away from the compliment)
Countering with another compliment (deflecting away from the self and onto your partner)
Stopping the compliment from happening (totally blocking intimacy)

When you do not know how to receive a compliment with ease and comfort, then your partner’s powerful acknowledgements have nowhere to land. If this describes you or your partner, then let’s talk about why. What are some of the reasons for dismissing compliments?

The Reasons Why

Intimacy starts with you and compliments are intimate. Consider how your personal history affects how you receive compliments. Do these apply?

Self-esteem – When don’t feel good about yourself on the inside and someone offers you a compliment, the words don’t match how you see yourself. It’s difficult to take the beautiful words in if you don’t believe them yourself.
Family of Origin – How did your family acknowledge each other? Were compliments encouraged or discouraged? Did your parents praise each other? As products of our environments, we often carry on the culture and traditions of our families of origin.
Expectations – If someone “sees” you and expresses this through a compliment, then they may expect more from you. This may exceed how you see yourself. It may feel easier to dismiss their compliment than to fulfill what you imagine their expectation to be.

What’s true in almost any of these moments is this: Compliments are a practice in exposure, intimacy, and vulnerability. We all want to be recognized, to feel significant to someone else. That experience can feel welcome and simultaneously, overwhelming.

How to Receive a Compliment

You need to own your awesomeness! Remember, it all starts with you. It’s hard to give unto others if you yourself struggle to receive. Here are three questions to ask yourself:

What do you feel good about?

Implement a ritual of self-acknowledgment. Review your day daily. Ask yourself what you feel good about that day. Maybe you made it to the gym or made a good food choice or went the extra mile at work. Think about your accomplishments and feel good about yourself.

2. What can you compliment in others?

Be generous in your recognition of others. Make your compliments authentic. If you are able to give genuine compliments to someone else, then it reinforces for you that compliments can be authentic acknowledgments of appreciation. This helps when you are on the receiving end.

3. How do you receive a compliment?

Work on being generous with yourself and generous with offering compliments to others. This practice will strengthen your ability to receive acknowledgment from others. Compliments will finally have a place to “land” within you because compliments, both giving and receiving, will feel familiar.

It starts with acknowledging yourself, so others can acknowledge you, too. If you see the good in yourself, then the ones you love can recognize the good in you, too. Learning how to receive a compliment is a powerful experience. You deserve to give and receive the good in your life.

Should You Schedule Sex? Part One

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 7, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive

Should you schedule Sex? Part One of Two…

We schedule just about everything these days but the idea of scheduling nookie seems to make some people cringe.

Why?

Well, people struggle with scheduling sex for a lot of reasons….and we want to put some into perspective.

It isn’t romantic.
It seems ‘forced’.
It could put one of you on the defensive — if you don’t want sex as often as your partner — you could feel like you are being pressured and if you are the partner who wants it more often, you might feel like you are begging.
What if you can’t agree on how often or what nights/days?
What if you don’t want to when it is scheduled?
What happens if the kids interrupt?
What if….

If you have ever thought about scheduling sex and had any of these thoughts, maybe this article will help you decide if scheduling sex is a good fit for your relationship.

I want to debunk a couple of the reasons above about scheduling sex or at least give you something to think about.

It isn’t romantic.

Scheduling sex can be. It can be really romantic and sexy. Think about this.

You plan your vacations, right? Once you pick that date to go to Hawaii, how often do you find yourself daydreaming about those sandy beaches and umbrella drinks?

A LOT, I bet. Well, scheduling sex can be equally exciting and let’s face it, some of us like a little time to prepare anyway. (I mean, how many times have you and your partner been kissing and as one thing leads to another and you remember that you really wanted some time to freshen up?)

Scheduling sex can give both of you time to prepare both mentally and physically. It gives you time to fantasize about your partner and that always feels good.

It seems ‘forced’.

Is it forced or intentional? There’s nothing wrong with setting aside time that is dedicated to your relationship for anything else, so why should there be this false idea that you are forcing sex?

If you are in a committed relationship and sex is something you both agree is important, then schedule away!!

Remember: Scheduled Sex is Intentional Sex and anytime you make your partner an intentional part of your day, you are making your relationship a priority.

Plus, it is FUN. Knowing when you are going to be skin on skin with your partner is something FUN to think about. Isn’t it?

Note ** if you and your partner are having sex as often as you both feel is working for you, keep up the good work! You don’t need to schedule sex is you both feel that your frequency is fine.

BUT… if you are like many couples, you might be on the sex teeter totter — you want more intimacy with your partner but you can’t find the time or the right mood.

If that’s the case, scheduling sex could be one great way to increase intimacy and connection!

In Part Two, I’ll share some of the ground rules and tips for scheduling sex and making this activity FUN and EXCITING!

The “P” Word: Is It Okay to Watch?

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 6, 2019 | Porn, Pornography, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive

Is Porn Accepted in Your Relationship?

Many couples have conflicts about the role of pornography in their relationship. You may flat out refuse to allow it. You might sneak your viewing and keep it a secret. You may view porn as cheating. You might use it to learn about sex or secret fetishes. Or, as a couple, you may use porn to get even sexier together.

Are any of those right or wrong? Is it addictive?

Sex therapists are divided about whether or not viewing porn is an addiction. Some researchers say an absolute yes, others say it’s not. Some say it hurts relationships, others argue it actually helps relationships.

At our Center, we’ve seen both sides of the argument. Benefits have included how porn has helped couples overcome issues of sexual inhibition, connect with content that sits outside of conventional sexual norms, helped couples become more sexually engaged with each other as well as bring couples closer together.

On the flip side, we’ve also seen how pornography has contributed to obsessive viewing for some partners, increased erectile dysfunction for some males, negatively impacted sexual expectations within partnerships as well as the affected identity, performance, and gender roles in sex.

There are no one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to the role of pornography in your sex life. Each partner and partnership is unique.

At CIR, we believe couples should have open and honest discussions about the role of pornography in their lives. This should include where and how you think it could help enhance your sex life, as well as how it taps into your vulnerabilities, fears, and concerns. These discussions should be on-going, not a one-time conversation.

In addition, for couples who choose to view porn, we highly encourage that couples only view “Ethical Pornography” (typically created by women) where:

Actor safety and full consent is the highest priority of the company
Natural body types, all skin colors, and orientations are featured
Workers are paid fair, adequate wages under safe and clean working conditions
Workers can refuse any scenes outside of their comfort zone
Sex positivity, advocacy, and empowerment are emphasized
Films NEVER include the use of drugs, alcohol, force, abuse, endangerment, minors and/or non-consensual sex

So yes, healthy porn viewing requires that you do your research. Unfortunately, pornography can be exploitive, unethical and abusive. This poses considerable cause for concern, especially when it comes to children and adolescents. Kids can easily stumble upon inappropriate websites. We encourage the highest levels of safety and caution to prevent children and teens from viewing content that could traumatize them.

Here are some additional tips on healthy use of pornography:

Porn is designed for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. Erotic scenes are comprised of scripts, actors, lights and cameras. Porn is not a means of sex education.
Your greatest source of sex education is your partner, research books and/or films designed for educational purposes only.
Porn is not a replacement for your partner. While it can be enjoyed solo, if you find yourself turning more to films than to your partner, it’s time to take a break from viewing. Spend time reconnecting with your partner instead.
If you enjoy sexual fantasy but never really want to experience it in real time, porn can help you explore fantasies safely without having to enact them (of course, as long as it follows the guidelines above).
Sharing porn viewing with your partner can help build sexual trust and intimacy together, while also fueling sex positivity and sexual empowerment.

Overall, we encourage you to introduce the topic to your partner. Start by having an honest conversation. Treat your relationship as unique, sacred and intimate. Hold each other’s views with care. Beware of absolutism. See where the conversation takes you.

Note: If you and/or your partner struggle with out of control sexual behavior, sometimes called sex addiction, which may or may not include porn viewing, we suggest you speak with a professional that specializes in that area.

Should You Schedule Sex with Your Partner? Part Two

by Carolynn Aristone | Oct 5, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive

Should you schedule Sex? Part Two….

In Part One I talked about the misconceptions associated with scheduling sex with your partner. READ Part One HERE. In this post, I want to share the important tips for having the conversation about scheduling sex and how you can make this activity a success!

Scheduling sex could be a great option for you but there are a few ground rules to help you factor in the inevitable interruptions and life’s monkey wrenches.

Before you begin picking dates and mapping out the schedule, you and your partner should have a compassionate conversation about what you both consider to be the frequency to be intimate.

If your libidos are mismatched, this conversation isn’t about who wins and gets it as much as they want, rather it is about compromise.

Rarely do we see partners who have the exact same sexual appetite. If you and your partner’s drive are different here are the most important ideas to keep in mind.

This is about making your relationship BETTER and INCREASE CONNECTION, not about creating pain, frustration or picking a fight.
If your conversations about sex frequency have gone sideways in the past, step back and think about why? Your goal is not to set off those triggers again. If you both feel like the conversation will be too difficult, it might be a good idea to work with a professional therapist.

So, if you are both on the same page about scheduling sex, here are a few of the rules to keep in mind.

You each get one ‘pass’ for any reason at all once a month.
If something completely unexpected comes up and you just can’t muster the mojo for sex — plan to cuddle for at least 20 minutes. There’s always time to cuddle. BUT don’t use the cuddle card too often.
Decide what counts as sex as a couple. Does it only count as sex if full penetration has occurred? What constitutes sexual intimacy for you and your partner?
If you get a little frisky on a date that wasn’t scheduled, GOOD…but it doesn’t count as your scheduled time. Consider that a bonus 😉 or if you feel like you can’t make a scheduled date and the impromptu date makes up for it, just make sure your partner knows so they can manage their expectations.
Pick your schedule and stick to it for 30 days and then re-evaluate. Look at how many cuddle cards, interruptions, and passes were used and together discuss how you both feel about that. Maybe you were too aggressive in your frequency? Maybe you didn’t use any passes and found that you wanted to be intimate more often. After thoughtful review, schedule your next month and see how it goes.

So, should you schedule sex?

We say yes…if it means that you are carving out time to be intentional with physical affection and intimacy.

Keep the objective in mind that increased intimacy and connection are the goals and you’ll be on the right track for scheduling sex.

Did you read part one of our series on Should You Schedule Sex? If not, click here to read how to overcome possible objections.

How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship

by Carolynn Aristone | Sep 8, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress

Is there Humor in your relationship?

Do you laugh at yourself? Or, do you take yourself too seriously? Laughter can be THE best medicine. A good sense of humor can strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know some sessions are hard.

Other sessions not so much; perhaps less heavy, less intense. Let me share a story with you of how one couple turned a difficult session into a breakthrough with humor.

I had been seeing this couple for a few months.

They had lots of conflict and worked hard on their relationship.

During our session, I shared a thought of mine. Suddenly, I noticed a smirk on the one partner’s face. I looked at him and said, “I see you smirking! What are you thinking right now?”

Then, he just started laughing. He repeated the thought I had just shared with them, verbatim, and sarcastically called it “therapy gold, a real master’s level summary.”

When he reflected my statement back to me, I realized how funny it was, as did his spouse.

I kid you not, when I share that all three of us – him, his spouse, and me – broke out into hysterical laughter.

It was the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.

The kind of laughter where you have a hard time regaining your composure.

It took all of us a while to get back to business, and we laughed about it for multiple sessions.

But, it reminded us of the power of humor and how it can transform a difficult moment, conversation or conflict into a different kind of experience.

Therapy Isn’t Always Hard

There are two reasons why I’m telling you this story.

Humor strengthens your relationship with anyone, including during therapy. What an amazing gift, when you have that kind of rapport and trust with your therapist – so much so that you can lightly poke fun at them; everyone can laugh about it and all parties have a good time. For me, humor is symbolic of the quality of our relationship.
Therapy isn’t always intense or hard. Depending on the session, what we’re talking about, and the level of humor you practice in your life, there can be funny moments. I have experienced intense humor and hard laughter in my office. Sometimes clients are poking fun at their own idiosyncrasies; sometimes they are poking fun at me.

Stories like this also remind me of the role of humor in my own marriage.

My husband and I have the ability to laugh at ourselves. And, that’s really how humor starts.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re most likely too hard on yourself. Lack of humor robs you of the playfulness that life has to offer.

You’ll miss out on how humor transforms and strengthens your relationship. Because laughter is like a relief of pressure in an already pressured world.

How Humor Strengthens Your Relationship

When’s the last time you laughed? (I’m talking about doubled-over, cheeks-hurting, tears-popping-out-your-eyes laughter.) Humor not only strengthens your relationship, it’s just plain good for you! Here are six (somewhat unexpected) health benefits of laughter:

It burns calories! Laughter is actually like exercise.
It strengthens your core. Laughter literally works your midsection.
It increases your heart rate, which increases circulation in your body.
It decreases stress. When you decrease stress, you increase your immune system.
It can lower blood sugar. Lower blood sugar boosts your mood.
It improves your quality of life. Laughter truly helps you see the world differently.

Love. Live. Laughter.

So, I ask again – Do you laugh at yourself?

I promise that humor strengthens your relationship with your partner. If you laugh jokingly and mutually (that’s key), then you won’t take yourself so seriously and you will be more tolerant. Humor and laughter are part of what brings harmony and aliveness to our relationships.

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