Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

by Carolynn Aristone | Jul 5, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum. In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things. If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple. Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes. Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work. My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers. You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents. And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality. It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within. Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected. You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being. But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you. It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect. Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

The couple feels stressed out by life
One partner wants more sex than the other
One or both partners have had affairs
The couple struggles with parenting challenges
The couple holds different marital expectations
One partner is depressed or anxious
One partner is a functional alcoholic
One or both partners have body image issues
One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is. As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them. Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work. As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better. At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun!

The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

by Carolynn Aristone | Jun 20, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

Are you living in a sexless marriage? Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about. You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services. This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships. In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life. You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down. This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple. Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second. I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body. You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low? You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage. You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it! Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being. I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

5 Important Facts You Must Know About Erectile Dysfunction

by Carolynn Aristone | Aug 7, 2014 | Aging, General, Sex Education, Sexual Dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction

No one welcomes erectile dysfunction, also known as ED.

Up to 30 million men in the United States experience ED in their lifetime.

ED is the inability to achieve or maintain an erection throughout the completion of sexual activity for a period of 6 months.

The emergence of this dysfunction often causes significant psychological and relational distress for both the symptom bearer and their partner.

Like many sexual disorders, the onset of ED usually involves a complex history that requires a thorough assessment and an interdisciplinary approach. This means that if you decide to seek therapeutic support for ED or any other sexual disorder, it’s crucial to meet with a qualified therapist who possesses a thorough understanding of your particular sexual dysfunction.

Below I’ve listed five critical components to help you understand ED and what you can do about it.

FACT #1:

YOU MAY HAVE AN UNDERLYING MEDICAL CONDITION

The following information is probably the most important thing that you need to know about ED (and is often the most overlooked). ED is often linked to underlying medical problems.

ED can be an early symptom of a larger disease. The most commonly seen are vascular conditions that inhibit the circulation of blood to the penis. Neurological diseases, hormonal imbalances (not enough testosterone), diabetes and prostate cancer are known contributors to ED.

If you are working with a therapist on ED, be sure to create a team of support that not only includes your therapist but a good urologist and general practitioner.

FACT #2:

ED SHOWS UP IN MANY FORMS

ED can show up in a variety of ways. Although rare, some men experience lifelong ED. Others acquire ED after having had satisfactory erections in the past. If you acquired ED, you may have experienced it slowly over time or suddenly.

ED can also be general or situational. General means ED happens in all sexual situations, whether alone or partnered. Situational ED is more common and only occurs with certain partners or at certain times. In any case, a full medical and psychological work up is important to help you resolve your symptoms.

FACT #3:

ED MAY REFLECT OTHER ISSUES

Sadly, the medical community seems to view ED as primarily a biological issue.

Docs dispense medications like Viagra or Cialis like candy without offering psychological support. ED can be a reaction to psychological and relational distress.

Many cases of ED involve issues of anxiety, depression, poor self-image, lack of relational satisfaction, lack of physical attraction, negative sexual messages from the family of origin, feelings of inadequacy, sexual incompatibility, religious contradictions to sex, to name a few.

Effectively resolving ED requires a holistic approach to treatment.

If you have already consulted with a urologist, be sure to include a qualified sex therapist as part of your treatment team.

Fact #4:

HOW YOU THINK INFLUENCES ED

ED functions similarly to panic disorder. Once you’ve had your first panic attack, you grow fearful and anxious of experiencing it again. Your anxiety about having another panic attack breeds an attack.

ED works the same way. One single episode of ED can manifest a significant amount of anxiety about recurrence. That anxiety leaves no room for arousing sexual thoughts. Before sex commences or during sex, your anxiety recreates ED.

For some, this vicious cycle becomes harder and harder to escape.

With the right guidance, you can learn how to restructure your thought patterns and reduce performance anxiety.

FACT #5:

ED AFFECTS ALL PARTIES INVOLVED

ED does not just affect you. Unfortunately, as a result of ED, your partner may suffer significant relational distress. Your partner may place blame on themselves for the development of your ED.

They may feel unattractive, confused, and abandoned. As a result, they may develop low sexual desire. Since ED greatly impacts confidence levels, you too might develop low sexual desire. If not treated, these symptoms can lead to greater relational problems.

ED may be the cause of your relational problems or the result of your relational problems. This dysfunction affects you and your partner individually as well as how you exist together.

***

You may feel ashamed and embarrassed about this diagnosis. You are not alone.

Do not allow these difficult reactions to prevent you from seeking treatment. Your body is communicating an important message. Your physical health and/or your relationship may be at risk.

The good news is that help is available to you. With the right team in place, you and your partner can learn how to create a strong, healthy relationship and a satisfying sex life.

856.208.6443

clientcarecoordinator@cirllc.com