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Relationship Maintenance: Is It Time for a Tune Up?

by | Feb 17, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Sex Positive, Soulful and Mindful

Relationship Maintenance

I recently received a call from a former couple that I worked with. They said, “Can we come back in for a few sessions? We need a tune-up!”

Relationships require a certain level of maintenance. Just like a car requires standard maintenance a few times a year, well, your relationship does too.

Unfortunately, so many couples misconstrue this reality. 

Have you ever had thoughts like this?

Here is a list of mistaken beliefs that many couples think when it comes to relationship maintenance and nurturing:

  • If we have to work at it, then something is wrong.
  • I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need, he should just know!
  • Sex should just happen, we shouldn’t have to talk about it.
  • She should know I love her, why should I have to say it all the time?
  • Isn’t it obvious that I appreciate what he does?
  • Why do I have to thank him for picking up the kids? He’s supposed to do that.
  • We’ve been together 30 years, isn’t it clear that I’m not going anywhere?
  • We have sex at least once a week, clearly she’s satisfied.
  • Yes, I work late a lot but he understands.  If he was unhappy, he’d tell me.

Do you see the pattern here? 

These simple statements show us a series of common thoughts that can become relationship poison.

Let me show you what lurks beneath them.

Sternberg Theory of Love

There are 3 Components of Love that help couples connect and build a healthy foundation. In this blog, “What to do if You’re Falling Out Of Love”, we talk in-depth about Sternberg’s theory.

Current research tells us that a predictor for divorce is not infidelity, lack of romance, financial stress, or co-parenting differences.

It’s a lack of love.

 

Relationship Maintenance At Every Stage

Whether you’ve been together five years or 50, whether you’re a new family or empty nesters, your relationship is the vehicle that you ride together through life.

If you’re not regularly maintaining it, well, you become a hazard to your family and to yourselves.

It’s so easy to let life get in the way of your relationship focus but as the authors have written in the book, A General Theory of Love, “If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be last on the list…”

Dropping your time with your partner should be last on your list.

 

Try This “Tuning In” Exercise

One of the exercises I like to give couples in therapy is called the Relationship Check-In.

In this exercise, you’ll take turns sharing:

  • Set aside 20 minutes each week to check in with your partner.
  • Put away all electronics and find a private space in your home.
  • Try to check-in before either partner gets too tired (not too late).
  • Start by naming something that you appreciate about your partner.
  • Name something you might be struggling with in the relationship and name what you might need more or less of from your partner.
  • Tell your partner that you love them if that feels right for you. Hug.

In this exercise, no topic is off-limits.

It’s a great exercise in staying connected, holding space for both positive and negative experiences and clearly communicating what you each desire. 

It’s also important to stick to the 20 minutes.

If check-ins become 2-hour marathons, no one will want to participate.

If a difficult topic is raised, it’s helpful to know that:

  • The partner with the complaint has the time and space to share it
  • The time to focus on a difficult topic is boundaried and softened by positive feelings. 

When couples commit to this exercise, they almost always report feeling closer, more connected, in communication and generally happy with each other. Is it time for a relationship tune-up? 

Fun Ways to Nurture Your Love

In addition to regular check-ins, it’s also helpful to be kind and offer loving gestures when the opportunity arises. 

Small things like cooking your partner’s favorite meal, bringing her a cup of coffee in bed, washing his car for him or going out on regular date nights go a long way to demonstrate caring. 

There are so many ways to attend to and maintain your love. Maintaining what you have together isn’t a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign that you care so much. 

What are all the ways you attend to your relationship? 

 

 

How to Heal Your Relationship After a Betrayal

by | Feb 12, 2022 | Blog, Communication, Connection, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Sex Positive, Soulful and Mindful

Healing After Infidelity and Betrayal

I see many couples in the practice because of infidelity, affairs, cheating and/or betrayal.

In these deeply painful experiences, couples not only struggle with the most fundamental concept of commitment but also with attempting to maintain their love during their crisis.

When Ashley Madison was hacked in 2016, an interview on NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.

Most couples have no map, no fallback plan, no direction on where to go once the affair is discovered or revealed.

“NPR revealed that affairs occur in at least 20% of all marriages yet other reports state affairs occur in at least 60% of all marriages.”

If you’ve experienced infidelity or betrayal, the pain endured by both of you can feel insurmountable.

Restoring commitment in its most fundamental sense can feel nearly impossible for you.

Yet, with attention, intention, effort, and patience, I’ve seen couples move from near divorce to complete healing.

Couples may seek therapy at different stages of this journey.

 

Here are some examples of when partners contact us:

  • One partner suspects the other is cheating. Rather than sit alone with his concerns, he’ll use therapy as a means to explore what to do and how to handle it.
  • One partner is on the brink of having an affair or actively having one. She’ll use therapy to try to gain clarity about her conflicted feelings.
  • A betrayed partner discovers an affair and experiences a crisis of emotions. Feeling total devastation and loss, she’ll immediately seek out couple’s therapy for guidance.
  • A betrayed partner cannot get past a previous affair discovery. It may be years later and the couple struggles to move on. They may schedule for themselves to see how they can “get past” what happened.

Transparency, Accountability and Time

Initially, it will be important for couples to practice transparency and accountability.

If you are the betrayed partner, you hold a whirlwind of emotions that must be expressed.

Critical to healing, you’ll need to express your anxiety, anger, fear, disappointment, shock and overall devastation.

It’s natural for you to ask questions about the affair, remain suspicious for a period of time, and to question everything.

If you are the involved partner, you must hold yourself accountable for the decision to step outside the relationship, even if you feel justified in doing so.

You may have your own separate emotional experience that can also include fear, sadness, desperation, relief and concern.

It’s natural for you to avoid answering questions but you cannot avoid all questions.

Most importantly, you’ll both need to value time.

Time will help you move out of a crisis state, develop insight into your relationship and possibly envision a future together.

“Time helps couples move out of a crisis state, develop insight into their relationship and envision a future together”

Is it Possible to Experience Intimacy During a Crisis?

In therapy, as couples move through these phases, they learn how to practice the behaviors associated with “loving” while healing from an affair.

Amongst the many skills learned, couples practice communication, empathy, vulnerability, transparency, care for the welfare of the other, honesty, trust-building, and forgiveness.

Learning these skills isn’t a guarantee that you will stay together.

For some couples, the best decision, while difficult, is separation.

Before you move into those big decisions alone, please consider seeking therapy.

Therapy provides a space for couples to explore the healthiest way for them to heal.

Therapy shows couples how to practice “loving”, whether they choose to stay together or to separate.

 

 

Research tells us that couples will wait five years before they seek out relationship help.

 

The Silent Divide

For many affair couples, they unknowingly experienced a silent divide, a slow and steady series of actions and inactions that laid the groundwork for the affair(s) to occur. 

Remember, commitment isn’t a one-time act. It’s a series of behaviors that nurture your relationship over its lifespan.

This happens on the days when life feels ordinary, mundane and fine, as well as when you struggle to be in each other’s company.

With so many tools/resources at your disposal, from articles and books, podcasts and courses, and/or therapy, it’s easier than ever to stay attuned, connect and practice loving every day.

What resources do you use to practice “loving”, consistently, even when your relationship feels hard?

Get Your Sex Life Back on Track

by | Jul 5, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

 

Get Your Sex Live Back on Track

Your sex life doesn’t sit in a vacuum.  In a long-term relationship, good sex is dependent on many things.  If there is any part of you that thinks sex should “just happen” – organically, naturally, fluidly, spontaneously, at will – well, you will be sadly disappointed.

I wish it was that simple.  Can sex happen that way? Absolutely… sometimes.  Which means that at other times, it takes conscious work.  My question for you is – Are you willing to do the work?

Life Obstacles

When you create a life together, you grow beyond the role of lovers.  You become life partners. You might be business partners. You may even opt to become parents.  And, you wear many hats in between. But somewhere in your journey, you begin to separate your sexuality.  It’s as if it becomes a separate entity, disconnected from all of the roles you play.

Your Sexuality

Remembering that your sexuality is part of you, part of your identity while you play all of those roles in life, is key to stoking the fire from within.  Paying the bills, shopping for food, or giving your child a bath does not erase your sexuality.  

The problem is that you become disassociated and disconnected.  You disassociate from that part of yourself. You disconnect from the fact that you’re a sexual being.  But, guess what? It’s there. It’s within you.  It hasn’t left.

Relationship Problems

Conflict in your relationship can also cause a disconnect.  Unresolved wounds, disagreements, absences, sexual incompatibilities, and more can make sex awkward, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  Working through relationship difficulties can lead to a better sex life but even that is not a guarantee.

A Day in My Office

Here are 10 typical scenarios I see in my office that leave couples with a lackluster sex life:

  1. The couple feels stressed out by life
  2. One partner wants more sex than the other
  3. One or both partners have had affairs
  4. The couple struggles with parenting challenges
  5. The couple holds different marital expectations
  6. One partner is depressed or anxious
  7. One partner is a functional alcoholic
  8. One or both partners have body image issues
  9. One partner is struggling with a sexual dysfunction
  10. One partner has a previous sexual trauma

Why is Sex So Complicated?

Well, because it just is.  As you can see from this list, some issues tie directly to sex but not all of them.  Yet, sex is impacted by all of them.

My therapeutic approach allows me to take on a holistic lens and bird’s-eye view when addressing your struggles; so that together, we can create the right solutions for your relationship and sex life.

But, it takes some work.  As we work through the issues, obstacles, or disconnects that you feel, we also cultivate sex-positive energy, vibrancy, and excitement for your future sex life. Because it can be better.  At some point, what feels like work actually starts to feel like fun! 

The Secret Behind Your Sexless Marriage

by | Jun 20, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Loneliness, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Positive, Sex Therapy, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Shame, Sexual Trauma, Stress

Are you living in a sexless marriage?  Perhaps you’re one of those couples that from the outside everything looks picture-perfect, but you carry a secret that no one knows about.  You and your partner don’t touch each other, you don’t get intimate with each other, and you don’t have sex together.

Low sexual desire is the number one reason that couples seek out my services.  This is not an uncommon issue for many people in long-term partnerships.  In fact, my work with couples helps them navigate the dynamics in their sexless marriage.  

How to Navigate Your Sexless Marriage

Your sexless marriage is not always just about sexual desire. It can be a combination of things.

  1. First, before you can tackle your sex life, you and your partner have to resolve complications in your relationship. I’ve seen sex fall off the map due to other non-sexual relationship problems. In order for you to create a hot sex life, it helps to resolve the relationship problems first. This can be anything from betrayal, to parenting, money, the in-laws, career, stress or other issues.
  2. Second, resolving your relationship problems doesn’t mean that sex magically starts happening – or that sex will be spontaneous and amazing. You may have to rebuild your sex life.  You still have to work at it and that’s okay. Working directly on your sex life can feel fun, freeing and rewarding once you’ve conquered those non-related issues noted in number one.
  3. Third, after months or years of a sexless marriage, you and/or your partner have probably shut your sexual systems down.  This is where we tap into your sexuality as an individual so you can come together as a couple.  Because sex and sexuality is really about your life force, your life energy, your vitality. That force starts with you.

How to Raise Your Sexual Energy

Let’s get vulnerable for a second.  I want you to think to a time when you’ve had a really charged sexual experience. Can you remember all the sensations associated with this memory? If you hold that memory in your mind, you’ll remember that you radiated energy throughout your entire body.  You were fully embodied in this life force, this vitality, that is almost indescribable.

So, how do you raise your sexual energy once it’s gone low?  You have to tap into your own sexuality before you can tap into your sex life as a couple. It starts with this question:

What makes you (as an individual) feel most alive?

  • Maybe it’s going to the gym to get your body up and moving
  • Maybe it’s eating a luxurious meal that reaches all of your senses
  • Maybe it’s participating in a risky sport or adventure consistently
  • Maybe it’s reading an erotic novel to get sex on the brain
  • Maybe it’s wearing certain fabrics that feel sexy on your body
  • Maybe it’s touching yourself while showering to activate your arousal

Love and Live Sexy

I have worked with many couples who live in a sexless marriage.  You don’t have to keep your sexless marriage a secret anymore. You can do something about it!  Remember that – in addition to all the other roles you play in life – you are also a sexual being.  I encourage you to use the suggestions above or come up with your own and try them.

If you’re looking for other ways to enhance your sex life, here’s where to start!

Overcome Boredom in Your Relationship

by | Mar 8, 2020 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Relationships, Sex, Sex Positive, Stress, Vulnerability

Are you bored in your relationship?

Does your relationship make you want to yawn?  Does it feel like Relationship Groundhog Day?  Same routine, same activities, same restaurants, etc. It’s what happens to most couples when their days become Life Management 101.  All about routines, schedules, structures. 

Don’t get me wrong. There’s a sense of stability in it, right? At least, you know what to expect.  

Like most long term couples, you settle in for the long haul.  Your routine becomes second nature, providing reliability and comfort in its repetition. Where spontaneity might bring uncertainty, reliability brings a sense of safety.  Unfortunately, it can also bring boredom and complacency.

It can even lower the bar for what’s possible in your love and in your life. 

Over time, it can be hard to understand how you got to where you are or where your spark went.  You may even start to think– What the hell happened to us? We used to be so fun together.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has felt “the slump”.  I’m not saying routines are bad.  (We all need a certain level of dependability in a partnership.)  But I am challenging your mindset and the status quo for your relationship.  Chances are that if your relationship feels stale, you and your partner have grown complacent. 

Consider this Question:

How does your predictability impact intimacy?

We’ve established that traits like stability and reliability create safety, right?

But these traits are also opposite to spontaneity, excitement, curiosity, adventure and risk. 

And at it’s core, healthy intimacy involves risk-taking.

So, while stability and reliability are great for safety, and are certainly important for intimacy, they can also sabotage intimacy when they become the sole focus of your love. 

When intimacy dies, the relationship fizzles out. No spark. 

I’m sure you can feel the difference between when you’re in your love groove and when you feel stuck in a relationship rut. 

If you want to feel intimate, connected and fun with each other again, you must step outside of your relationship box.

You have to proactively, intentionally and purposely bring excitement back into your relationship so that you can feel fun again.  

And when you introduce healthy risks, you not only increase your intimacy potential but you also bring new energy to your love.

 

It Starts with You

Let me ask you this — Are you afraid of risks?  

Do you fear being vulnerable?

Does intimacy challenge you?  

To overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to challenge yourself to do “different”.

Sometimes, fear of change can lead to complacency.

So can laziness, passivity, depression, relationship conflict, perfectionism, taking your relationship for granted. 

So rather than confront those things (which requires courage), we go on cruise control. (Yawn)

We don’t step outside the box or get outside of our comfort zone.

We don’t find our edges or take risks on our own – let alone as a couple.  

As a result, we miss out on opportunities to tap into something deeper, greater, more challenging.

Boring Relationship, Lost Spark, No Intimacy

So what does “it starts with you” actually mean?

Well, having an exciting relationship starts with you being an exciting partner.

YOU are the start to getting back on course, away from boredom and complacency toward growth, spark and connection. 

Be Willing to Take Risks

How do I know any of this?  Well, in addition to being a sex therapist and couples counselor, I know from personal experience.

My spouse and I have been married for over 20 years. We consider our marriage to be a great one.  

After all this time, we still feel intimately connected. But that intimacy is earned.

We take healthy risks – emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.

Whether that means having tough conversations with each other, an adventure we’ve never had before, a new sexual experience, sharing a spiritual awakening or something else.

I encourage you to take risks too. 

And not just relationship risks but personal risks. 

Do something that is as far from boring as possible.

Whether it’s confronting a work situation that you’ve avoided, taking that class you’ve had your eye on, booking a solo trip over a long-weekend, anything that gives you a new experience. Anything that offers you a new story to share. Anything that deepens the dimensions of who you are.

When I do this, or my partner does this, it gives us the opportunity to share something new at the end of the day.  We can talk about our edges. We inject new material into the fabric of our lives.

At the end of the day, we can share something different about ourselves.  We get to talk about how we stepped through a challenge.

As a result, we become more interesting to each other. The experiences we have on our own, apart from each other, enhance our overall relationship.

Overcoming boredom in your relationship starts with you and can have a beautiful ripple effect into your love.

 

Change your Mindset

If you want to overcome boredom in your relationship, you have to take a step back and look at your approach.  

Remember this: how you do anything is how you do everything.

It’s time to self-examine.

Ever hear of the “fixed mindset” versus the “growth mindset”?

In a fixed mindset, you see yourself as having fixed traits or static qualities.  

In a growth mindset, you believe that your traits or qualities can be developed through dedicated attention and hard work.

You want to adapt a growth mindset.

That means that you believe that you have the potential to evolve, to deepen your connection to each other, to bring life back into your love, to grow individually and as a couple.

But, it starts with you.

You have to be willing to take risks, get vulnerable, and be intimate with yourself in order to be more connected to your partner.

 

Overcome Boredom in your Relationship

If you’re feeling complacent, stuck, disconnected, boring, loveless, which is the story for so many couples, then take a step back.  Focus on how you are as a partner and what you bring to the relationship.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:  

  1. Where is my edge?
  2. Where am I challenging myself?
  3. How am I going to step into who I want to be?
  4. How can I be the kind of partner that I want to have?

Answer these questions separately, then come together to discuss. The answers will guide you to co-create a life and love that feels invigorating, inspiring and one that you look forward to engaging with. All of that is a far cry from a boring relationship or life.  

Remember, passion rises where risk, vulnerability, and intimacy come together.

Become passionate about your life and your love — That’s a good place to start. ♥️

 

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

by | Nov 1, 2019 | Communication, Connection, General, Intimacy, Love, Marriage Survival, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-esteem, Vulnerability

How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

Do you fear that your past shows up in your current relationship?

Maybe statements like: “I don’t know how to trust, it’s not safe”, “I don’t know when to reach out, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone”, or perhaps “I don’t dwell on how I feel, it’s easier to just move on” are all too familiar for you or your partner.

Oftentimes, we latch on to thoughts of being flawed or not good enough or unworthy of love when trauma was a part of our childhood. If relationships are a source of fear, then absent, insecure or disorganized attachments leave a person feeling helpless or alone. The mind finds a way to cope. But sometimes, coping does not lead to healing and your trauma can creep into adult relationships.

Even if the person can’t name the aftereffects, they feel them. Whether it’s feeling like a lifelong victim, acting passive-aggressively when upset, retreating into passivity during conflict, or creating an inauthentic version of yourself – there are many ways childhood trauma affects adults in a relationship. It can also feel difficult to support someone with trauma, especially in a partnership.

Survivors of childhood trauma deserve love and security in a relationship. Forming a healthy relationship can be full of missteps and confusion, but fostering intimacy can be full of healing and growth. Let’s discuss how we can better understand the impact of trauma and help partners love and live better.

Seeing Childhood Trauma

Whether you or your partner has experienced trauma, the most important thing to remember is that (just like anyone) they want to be seen, heard, and understood. It starts with seeing the effects of trauma on your relationship. Do you and your partner experience:

  1. Disagreements fueled by emotions?
  2. Reactions heightened by common relationship issues?
  3. Aversions to conflict making talking through issues difficult?
  4. Assumptions that one person is against the other?
  5. Doubts about a partner’s love or faithfulness that linger?
  6. Issues accepting love, despite repeated reassurance?

Unhealed trauma is a deep wound and dynamic force in any partnership, which can amplify emotions and escalate issues. Whether it is you or your partner who has experienced childhood trauma, the language you use in conversation is critical to healing and growth in your relationship.

Talking Childhood Trauma

Building a stronger connection, healthier bond, and more intimate relationship requires a lot of communication. Talking about childhood trauma can be difficult and there are times when your current relationship will trigger those same fears. Learning how to navigate the conversation helps couples stay calm and collected as their understanding of trauma heals and grows their partnership. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Self-observation can slow down escalating emotions
  2. Mindfulness can raise awareness and identify triggers for each of you
  3. Phrasing can help you both stay grounded in the present

If during a conversation, something that is said or heard triggers an unwanted response or reaction then try redirecting the dialogue. You can use phrases like:

  1. “I wonder if we can slow this down or if we are heading into old territory”
  2. “It seems like we’re getting triggered. Can we figure out what’s going on with us?”
  3. “I’m thinking this could be something we should talk about in therapy.”

Healing childhood trauma is like healing a deep wound. It takes careful, hard work especially in an adult relationship. However, it is possible to replace old ways of being over time. And, finding a therapist who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, can be the next step to repairing old traumas.

 

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships

Oprah recently did a report on 60 Minutes that discusses how trauma plays a role in childhood development and what new methods are being used to help people who have experienced it. The piece has been life-changing for many. You can watch it here.

So, the question is, how does childhood trauma affect adult relationships? It affects how we see, hear, and understand each other. In an intimate relationship, the triggers are bigger and the stakes are higher. Couples must do the work to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood in their partnership (especially when trauma is at work).

If you walk away learning one thing, walk away seeing, hearing, and understanding the difference between “What is wrong with you?” and “What happened to you?” The difference here in how you perceive and receive your partner is subtle but profound. The first question looks to fix the trauma with blaming language while the second question looks to comprehend their trauma with safe language.

Everyone deserves to love and live better. Whether you or your partner has survived childhood trauma, you can decide to work together to heal and grow in your relationship. The more we understand about childhood trauma, the more we foster intimacy in adult relationships.

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